Anyone else have an aversion to corporate bollock speak?

[LindaLaHugh]

I say aversion - deep hatred would be more accurate. It gives me The Rage
You know the type of thing " deep dive" " I'll take that away to action it" " even " going forward" makes me a bit stabby

Whoever mentioned Parish councils , we have hardly any corporate speak. But every single planning application involves an Archers worthy potted history of the village.
So Appletree house wants a rear single storey extension, cue
Where is Appletree house ?
Its's bicycle Bob's old place, next door but one to Terence the tree, just up from quagmire lane. Didn't used to have a name, was just number 3 back then.
Who is bicycle Bob ?
You know Bob, lovely chap, kept sheep on quagmire lane, they were always escaping, got into the Church vegtable plot when he grazed them in the churchyard one Summer, descimated the brassicas , lived here years before he moved over to Lancashire.
He's dead now.
Who Bob ?

Yes, tragic it was.
Did he have an accident on his bike ?
No, he got his cuff caught in his electric tin opener and severed an artery.
Thats awful !
He was a good age, mind.
Do you remember that Summer him and Baler Brian came to blows over his lasses pony getting sick and Bob blaming Brian for selling him hay with ragwort in ?
Yeah he never did rejoin the darts team.
Who Bob ?
Brian ! Bob never played darts, couldn't with that squint.
His daughter used to make really good rabbiting nets from the twine.
Brians ?
No, Bobs, Brian never had a daughter.
She lives in America now.
No Australia.
I heard she came back and lives in Filey, split up from that chap she married, funny hair, bit of a limp, and now lives with a woman.

PC Clerk valiantly attempts to get a decision. Nobody objects...

They might struggle, what with the well being so close to the house.
The wells at number 2
No definately at 3, I helped Bob fill it with some hardcore left over from when they built the new scout hut. He tried to build a pond over the top but it kept draining, lost a lot of fish before he put the decking down.

I don't use "incentivise" - I change it to "offer incentives for/to".
I used to work in an American-owned bookshop – when the posh hardbacks with dust jackets came in, we’d wrap the dust jacket in a plastic cover to protect it. A job I always dreaded because my boss would say “We need to coverise these.” Aaargh.

100% with you OP!

@Wrongkindofovercoat

Whoever mentioned Parish councils , we have hardly any corporate speak. But every single planning application involves an Archers worthy potted history of the village. So Appletree house wants a rear single storey extension, cue Where is Appletree house ? Its's bicycle Bob's old place, next door but one to Terence the tree, just up from quagmire lane. Didn't used to have a name, was just number 3 back then. Who is bicycle Bob ? You know Bob, lovely chap, kept sheep on quagmire lane, they were always escaping, got into the Church vegtable plot when he grazed them in the churchyard one Summer, descimated the brassicas , lived here years before he moved over to Lancashire. He's dead now. Who Bob ? Yes, tragic it was. Did he have an accident on his bike ? No, he got his cuff caught in his electric tin opener and severed an artery. Thats awful ! He was a good age, mind. Do you remember that Summer him and Baler Brian came to blows over his lasses pony getting sick and Bob blaming Brian for selling him hay with ragwort in ? Yeah he never did rejoin the darts team. Who Bob ? Brian ! Bob never played darts, couldn't with that squint. His daughter used to make really good rabbiting nets from the twine. Brians ? No, Bobs, Brian never had a daughter. She lives in America now. No Australia. I heard she came back and lives in Filey, split up from that chap she married, funny hair, bit of a limp, and now lives with a woman.

PC Clerk valiantly attempts to get a decision. Nobody objects...

They might struggle, what with the well being so close to the house.
The wells at number 2
No definately at 3, I helped Bob fill it with some hardcore left over from when they built the new scout hut. He tried to build a pond over the top but it kept draining, lost a lot of fish before he put the decking down.

Your PC is waaay more amusing than our old one. The first meeting I attended, my item was at the bottom of the agenda, after the report on the annual ‘inspection walk of the village’ by councillors, which produced 480 points for action, each of which (Item 145: faded paint on dog waste bin on Church Green’; Item 297: protruding hedge on School Lane; Item 303: cracked glass in village noticeboard outside PO’) needed to be individually discussed at length to decide whether it was a PC or CC matter. 😀

@Fiftythreepercent

I think granular is a useful word

My personal irritant is “baked in”

What does it mean though?

Honestly, if Miranda did a skit on “reach out” I think she’d surprise us by singing Elton John instead of the Four Tops.

First email I opened this morning: 'thanks for reaching out.' I think you mean 'thanks for your email' you pretentious millennial twat 😡

I have stopped finding the bollockspeak amusing and now find it profoundly depressing.

@daimbarsatemydogsbone agreed - I particularly find it depressing that I have another 10 years of listening to this crap before I retire unless I can find a way to get out before then!

'Let's throw that in the strategy wok' is my all time favourite.

I hate it with a passion.

Unfortunately where I work, the people who get promoted are the people who use it. No promotion for me! (But at least I won't have to spend my days listening to people talk utter bollocks while achieving precisely nothing.)

Wrongkindofovercoat That is the most charming thing I've read in a good while.

@TheDivineOddity

'Let's throw that in the strategy wok' is my all time favourite.

Absolutely stealing this and seeing if I can get away with using it.

@stuntbubbles

I don't use "incentivise" - I change it to "offer incentives for/to". I used to work in an American-owned bookshop – when the posh hardbacks with dust jackets came in, we’d wrap the dust jacket in a plastic cover to protect it. A job I always dreaded because my boss would say “We need to coverise these.” Aaargh.

😂 Coverise is most definitely not in my New Harts Rule book!

Fortunately I work with grown-ups who would eye-roll at most corporate speak, which does tend to take the air out of the sails of those who indulge in such abuses of the English language. But we're also the very last circle of acronym hell so I guess you can't have it all.

I still haven't recovered from the time we had management consultants in who full of deep dives, synergies and general project management speak which was presumably designed to sound impressive and as if they knew what they were talking about. As someone who's done PMing, I wondered if they realised how idiotic they sounded once they'd been deciphered although probably not as they had the collective self-awareness of a spoon. There were, of course, the obligatory break-out groups which failed as no-one understood the acronyms in the task we'd been given...

In a previous work-life, I had a colleague with whom we were knee-deep in going forward and reaching out, which always annoyed the fuck out of me, as did her endless use of 'myself' and 'yourself' to try and sound more formal. It was like Arthur from Cabin Pressure had got an office job: "Myself wondered if yourself could possibly send myself a response from yourself regarding the email myself sent yourself two weeks ago". That sort of thing

@Envoitrevisage I’m probably in the minority. I quite like some of it, and use loads of it…..

But WHY? What's wrong with actual normal language?

Townhall

Turns out to be a zoom call. Not in a Town hall or anywhere near one, with top brass spouting platitudes.

I'd recommend only tackling the crocodile nearest the canoe.... 🛶 🐊

@stuntbubbles

I don't use "incentivise" - I change it to "offer incentives for/to". I used to work in an American-owned bookshop – when the posh hardbacks with dust jackets came in, we’d wrap the dust jacket in a plastic cover to protect it. A job I always dreaded because my boss would say “We need to coverise these.” Aaargh.

YANBU! "Going forward" especially irritates me! What's wrong with saying "from now on" or "in future" ??

@JuergenSchwarzwald
"COVERISE"??? That's not only really annoying, it's bad grammar! He must have been a right clown!?

I like to make up or start using these sort of phrases up and see how long it takes to hear another department use them gotta find your fun in the workplace.

Was really hoping someone would come back to explain "granular".

The "speak to this item on the agenda" ...argh.

What about "kicking it in to the long grass" Eurgh.

And off topic, but why oh why, does everyone need to bring a bottle of water to a meeting? In the 80's and 90's, everyone I know, managed to stay alive between morning break and lunch, without the need for constant hydration.

Mind you, we also drank in the pub at lunch time, and in conferences we were offered wine and people smoked at their desks. No one was a snowflake either. Fun times!

Long grass was an expression in use when I was a child - which was a long time ago 😂 - so I don't mind that

Also, it makes sense!

Can't stand the phrase "disconnect".

strategy wok