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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask you for advice between going back to Husband who left me or continue with new guy

171 replies

somewheresunny0 · 07/02/2022 09:56

Hello

I need to give as much detail as poss but it's all quite outing.

In September, my husband of 7 years (partner of 11) left me. I had depression and anxiety after losing both of my parents to cancer and we had multiple miscarriages (no children).

I ended up spending 2 months in a psychiatric hospital. I was heartbroken, sad, angry, every emotion that was negative, I felt it.

Whilst in there, he gave up our house (private rented), sold my stuff (furniture, vases etc) on Facebook and his family removed me from the family group chat amongst other petty things.

I came out to my clothes and personal items piled up in boxes at my Dad's house, my bed and dog were there and that was all I had left.

In the last few weeks of my hospital stay, a friend of a friend who I know only socially messaged saying he had heard what had happened and he was there if I needed to talk.

Fast forward 2 months, I've been dating this guy who's lovely, kind, funny. Makes me excited, I look forward to seeing him etc.

My ex Husband for the past 6 weeks has been asking me to go for a weekend away to see if we can move forward and eventually end up back together. He says he doesn't want to be in a relationship with me right now but live apart and go on dates/weekends away/fun things.

So now I have a problem, I'm angry with him for leaving me at my lowest, being heartless enough to sell my home items, his family seemed to forget I ever existed even though they've known me since I was a teenager and nothing bad ever happened between me and their son. I never cheated, never lashed out. I was just very depressed and struggling to work full time, look after a house and maintain a healthy relationship. I was struggling. I would work 12 hour days, come home, shower and go to bed. My ex has his own business and worked weekends so I was alone in my grief and depression all of the time.

My whole heart loves him, but I'm angry and I'm angry with his family. He wants to go to marriage counselling to see if we can rekindle.

The other guy is new and exciting and obviously I don't know the "real" him if you like so it's like taking a big risk.

Do I go back to the guy who was my home, my husband and the love of my life or do I move forwards in this great place that I'm in with my mental health, see how it goes with new guy and just go with the flow.

I don't want to chuck years of partnership, friendship, love, marriage down the drain but I also don't want to go back to what finally broke me.

I feel like my head is scrambled.

Every time I see my ex, all I do is cry, I'm so upset he abandoned me when I needed him most, I'm angry that he now only wants the good parts of a marriage (weekends away etc) but he doesn't want to help me in any other way. But then I know half of the reason I'm crying is because I miss him, us, the good times and family unit we had.

Any wise words from you guys may be all I need. Thank you for reading I know it's long x

OP posts:

daimbarsatemydogsbone · 07/02/2022 09:57

YABU

Inspectorslack · 07/02/2022 09:58

Don’t go with either of them. Take time to get yourself sorted and on an even keel. Good luck

Original poster

somewheresunny0 · 07/02/2022 09:59

@daimbarsatemydogsbone

YABU

I am being unfair about what?

OP posts:

Ragwort · 07/02/2022 10:00

Do not go back to him ... concentrate on loving yourself, getting your independence back. I know it is hard to turn your back on the 'happy times' but focus on how far you've got on your own. You will feel far, far stronger in time.

Original poster

somewheresunny0 · 07/02/2022 10:00

@Inspectorslack

Don’t go with either of them. Take time to get yourself sorted and on an even keel. Good luck

The thing is, my main focus is myself. Other guy knows this and is genuinely just kind and thoughtful and I enjoy spending time with him. He knows I'm not ready for a serious relationship anytime soon, I put all my cards on the table and told the whole truth about everything.

OP posts:

HollowTalk · 07/02/2022 10:01

It's really clear that you should never go back to your husband. I wouldn't even speak to him again.

As to the other guy I would just take it really slowly. You are very very vulnerable at the moment. Don't move in with him. Don't share expenses. Carry on seeing him for as long as he treats you nicely and you have a fun time. The second either of those things change, stop seeing him.

Onlyforcake · 07/02/2022 10:03

The thing is. Your ex will ALWAYS have been the one who behaved atrociously to you and the one who hasn't got your back.

The new guy might turn into a long term thing. Or it might not. But that's ok.

Your husband closed a door. He now wants to date without making a commitment. I say let go of the pain, by moving on. You don't owe the ex. Things were perhaps great, but I couldn't get past the fact of his actions when you needed support.

Outnumbered99 · 07/02/2022 10:05

Oh OP what an awful time you have had. I don't know what you should do but it does strike me your husband behaved absolutely appallingly when you were at your worst and i don't think i could ever get past that.

Best of luck whichever path you choose.

Original poster

somewheresunny0 · 07/02/2022 10:05

@HollowTalk

It's really clear that you should never go back to your husband. I wouldn't even speak to him again.

Thank you.

What do I do if I say it's definitely over and then regret it? I'm scared that's what will happen.

There is absolutely no talk of shared finances or anything like that with new guy, I've met his friends and their partners at dinner and that's as serious as it's got. We just laugh together, a lot. And that's exactly what I need after a horrific period of my life.

OP posts:

Teacupsandtoast · 07/02/2022 10:06

Your ex wants an easy fuck. The counselling will never happen. Date this other guy and have fun but it's not a choice between them, because your ex is not an option. He ruined your life while you were in a psychiatric hospital, he is beyond abhorrent

Hoppinggreen · 07/02/2022 10:07

I am sure it’s very difficult being married to someone with severe MH issues or any serious illness really BUT your ex behaved very badly so it would be a really bad idea to go back to him
Just enjoy some light hearted fun with the new man and focus on yourself

itwasntaparty · 07/02/2022 10:07

Don't go back. Be careful of a rebound relationship with the new bloke, take some time out for yourself.

greenlynx · 07/02/2022 10:08

I wouldn’t go back to your DH. He tried too hard to hurt you and to go away from life with you. It was he who chucked down the drain years of marriage at the first opportunity.
I can understand people being separated for some time and then getting back together but not after such a cruel separation. There was no need for this.

DieDeutschLehrerin · 07/02/2022 10:08

Your post is so perceptive. I think you know the right thing to do and how you would advise a friend in your position.

Continue as you are, focusing on yourself and your health. Choose yourself and enjoy the company of this man as an added benefit as long as it is of benefit to you.

You have not thrown away the years with your husband. He did. You cannot trust him or his family now. You owe it to yourself to move forward and be happier.

Original poster

somewheresunny0 · 07/02/2022 10:08

@Onlyforcake

The thing is. Your ex will ALWAYS have been the one who behaved atrociously to you and the one who hasn't got your back. The new guy might turn into a long term thing. Or it might not. But that's ok. Your husband closed a door. He now wants to date without making a commitment. I say let go of the pain, by moving on. You don't owe the ex. Things were perhaps great, but I couldn't get past the fact of his actions when you needed support.

That's what hurts the most. We made vows, I took my marriage seriously. The only reason I'd have ever left him is if he cheated or become violent.

I would have stood by him through everything.

He wouldn't come and visit me and first but then came every Friday whilst I was in hospital and he'd try to initiate sex every time. I felt like what I was going through in the hospital and how traumatic being on a psych ward is itself didn't matter.

I don't know if I can move past these things.

OP posts:

ElleGB · 07/02/2022 10:09

Do not go back. Please do not give this man the power to destroy you all over again.

He does not love you, nobody who loves you could treat you so appallingly. I’m so sorry for what you went through but the best thing you can do for your future self is to block him and never speak to him again.

You’ve been honest with new guy, if you enjoy spending time with him then continue to do so with no obligation and no pressure.

Please don’t go back x

Original poster

somewheresunny0 · 07/02/2022 10:10

@Outnumbered99

Best of luck whichever path you choose.

Thank you so much.

To me, some of the things he's done are unforgivable (for example me being stuck in hospital 50 miles away seeing my stuff sold on Facebook).

I try my best to be kind to everyone, and that wasn't kind at all. It hurt me tremendously.

OP posts:

MaggieFS · 07/02/2022 10:10

Don't got back. He's treated you horrendously and at a time when you needed support the most.

And don't make this a choice between the two. Move forward with your life, and if the new man is a part of that, that's great, and if he turns out just to be a short term rebound person to give you your oomph back, that's also fine.

All the best! You're sounding so calm given all the crap you've had to deal with, I wish you happiness ahead.

Hoppinggreen · 07/02/2022 10:10

Your update shows what an awful man your ex actually is
What kind of scumbag visits his very ill wife in hospital expecting sex?
Please don’t go back to him just because it’s familiar

stuntbubbles · 07/02/2022 10:12

Putting the new guy aside for a moment: your husband is a terrible, terrible human being. Absolutely vile, the lowest of the low.

It’s not a choice between new guy or husband. It’s a choice between life without terrible husband, or no kind of life with terrible husband. Choose life!

Booboobadoo · 07/02/2022 10:13

Sorry, so he abandoned you when you were at your lowest ebb, sold your stuff and left you homeless? Now he is keeping you dangling for a potential relationship, but is offering weekend sex with no commitment. And you're considering this?

Clarinet1 · 07/02/2022 10:13

Your ex has shown you no understanding or compassion at a time when you desperately needed it. Don’t know what vows you took when you married but what happened to “Wilt thou comfort her .....in sickness and in health”? And getting rid of your belongings was callous. I’m afraid his attempt to get back together after a fashion is probably because he thinks you’re “better than nothing” or to save face amongst friends and family. As is often said on MN, you deserve much better.
In terms of the new guy, if he is prepared to take things slowly and understands what you’ve been through and continues to treat you well and make you happy then maybe it’s worth seeing how things go.

DrFoxtrot · 07/02/2022 10:13

Please do not go back to your ex husband - he does not have your best interests at heart. Everything you've said about him proves how selfish he is, and him wanting to get back with you is all on his terms, he is thinking about his needs. He will never think of yours.

Take it slowly with the new man, it may not work out but that's ok - you are finding your feet dating again and there will be ups and downs.

TeenPlusCat · 07/02/2022 10:14

I don't see how you would ever fully trust your husband again.

FunnyGoingsOn · 07/02/2022 10:16

You should stay single for a good while.

Did your ex give a reason for his behaviour? Did he say you had done something? Two months is a long time to be in a psychiatric hospital. You must have been extremely unwell.

TBH the fact you started dating the new guy so quickly after coming out of hospital sounds worrying.
I presume you are still under some sort of care? Is there anyone you can talk to in real life

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