To ask you for advice between going back to Husband who left me or continue with new guy

[somewheresunny0]

Hello

I need to give as much detail as poss but it's all quite outing.

In September, my husband of 7 years (partner of 11) left me. I had depression and anxiety after losing both of my parents to cancer and we had multiple miscarriages (no children).

I ended up spending 2 months in a psychiatric hospital. I was heartbroken, sad, angry, every emotion that was negative, I felt it.

Whilst in there, he gave up our house (private rented), sold my stuff (furniture, vases etc) on Facebook and his family removed me from the family group chat amongst other petty things.

I came out to my clothes and personal items piled up in boxes at my Dad's house, my bed and dog were there and that was all I had left.

In the last few weeks of my hospital stay, a friend of a friend who I know only socially messaged saying he had heard what had happened and he was there if I needed to talk.

Fast forward 2 months, I've been dating this guy who's lovely, kind, funny. Makes me excited, I look forward to seeing him etc.

My ex Husband for the past 6 weeks has been asking me to go for a weekend away to see if we can move forward and eventually end up back together. He says he doesn't want to be in a relationship with me right now but live apart and go on dates/weekends away/fun things.

So now I have a problem, I'm angry with him for leaving me at my lowest, being heartless enough to sell my home items, his family seemed to forget I ever existed even though they've known me since I was a teenager and nothing bad ever happened between me and their son. I never cheated, never lashed out. I was just very depressed and struggling to work full time, look after a house and maintain a healthy relationship. I was struggling. I would work 12 hour days, come home, shower and go to bed. My ex has his own business and worked weekends so I was alone in my grief and depression all of the time.

My whole heart loves him, but I'm angry and I'm angry with his family. He wants to go to marriage counselling to see if we can rekindle.

The other guy is new and exciting and obviously I don't know the "real" him if you like so it's like taking a big risk.

Do I go back to the guy who was my home, my husband and the love of my life or do I move forwards in this great place that I'm in with my mental health, see how it goes with new guy and just go with the flow.

I don't want to chuck years of partnership, friendship, love, marriage down the drain but I also don't want to go back to what finally broke me.

I feel like my head is scrambled.

Every time I see my ex, all I do is cry, I'm so upset he abandoned me when I needed him most, I'm angry that he now only wants the good parts of a marriage (weekends away etc) but he doesn't want to help me in any other way. But then I know half of the reason I'm crying is because I miss him, us, the good times and family unit we had.

Any wise words from you guys may be all I need. Thank you for reading I know it's long x

I think you have closure about what your ex can be like but still have feelings. The hurt feelings seem too big for a relationship especially if you're vulnerable. He's behaved too badly really. I don't think in real life he's the love of your life and what happens if you have a relapse.

The other guy I'd also drop right now, or keep it to a weekly date for at least a year. You've cover too far to blow your circuits relationship hopping. This is all very recent.

Come not cover

If you got back together with your (ex?) husband you’d be getting back with his bad qualities as well as his good - deserting you when you took an overdose and leaving you to sort yourself out, only visiting you in hospital when he felt horny, selling your stuff and leaving you without your home and anything else he did..

He would do the same again which means you’d never be able to talk openly about how you feel and would always have to put up a front as you did before your breakdown.

From experience one of the most empowering things we can do is to take back control over our life. For me it was initiating divorce proceedings and moving on.

You sound really self aware, you have someone who treats you well and makes you happy and both of you are content to take things slowly.

A good relationship should be mutually supportive. I think you know the answer OP.

I don't think I could ever forgive or forget how someone wasn't there for me when I really needed them.
What would your relationship ever mean if you know he'll treat you so badly when you need him the most?

I'm so sorry for all you've been through - I hope you find glorious happiness as you deserve.

Your ExH has behaved like a royal cunt.

Not only does he not support you in the depths of your grief and depression. He tries to get his leg over when he occasionally visits you on a sectioned ward. I mean - not exactly a loving supportive charmer is he. And then he leaves the rented family home and gets rid of everything in it with not a care. Did you see any money from this?

Hes a grade one dick and doesn’t deserve a second chance with someone like you that would have stood by him and supported him if the shoe was on the other foot.

The reason you are scared is because you’ve had such a history together. And closing that chapter of your life is a big step. But you need to. He isn’t good for you.

Whether or not it works out with this new chap - have fun. Mend yourself. Become a better stronger person for yourself. Become someone who can stand on her own two feet and enjoy everything a relationship has to offer - but also have your own interests. This is your opportunity and time know to change things.

I’m so angry at your ex.

I worked in mental health and you obviously needed the support the unit could offer you and two months wasn’t a long time as someone suggested. It’s just 8 weeks to get the support you werent getting elsewhere whilst sinking with grief.

I hope you are in a much stronger place now. Many squishes. Stay strong.

You hit rock bottom and the first thing he did was break his wedding vows of in sickness and in health. Hell would freeze over if he’d even breathe the same air as me or think he could get back with me.
Just have some time on your own, you don’t need to get into another relationship. Tbh, I’d be seeking a divorce asap. He’s betrayed you in spectacular fashion.

It's easy to say from an outsiders point of view, but don't go back.
I'm the sort of person that holds a grudge so I would never be able to forgive completely. He'll always be the one that treated you terribly when you need him the most, I can't see how anyone could completely get over or forgive that.
Just be careful with the new man, don't get too involved too fast as you are obviously having a hard time at the moment and will be vulnerable.
Keep seeing him if it makes you happy but try and make yourself happy in other ways that don't rely on someone else.

Whilst in there, he gave up our house (private rented), sold my stuff (furniture, vases etc) on Facebook and his family removed me from the family group chat amongst other petty things.

I came out to my clothes and personal items piled up in boxes at my Dad's house, my bed and dog were there and that was all I had left.

Just on this bit alone I wouldn't go back to him. You are married and that's meant to be for in sickness and in health. He doesn't get to abandon you when you needed him most. As for his family, what would they be like if you did get back together? Would you suddenly be welcomed with open arms? Would you be added back to all their communication channels?

I would tell him no, you will not be getting back together. He has hurt you in the worst way possible. Get divorced. I suspect you 'd'h is jealous that you are seeing someone else and I suspect that if you were to split up with this other chap, your husband would do the same again to you.

As for the other chap, if you are enjoying yourself, then go for it!

He says he doesn't want to be in a relationship with me right now

Wow. So not only a weapons-grade arsehole, a half-hearted one. A lukewarm offer of poor treatment vs the chance to rebuild your life on your own terms, it's a no-brainer.

Like PPs say, the new guy may or may not work out, but that's fine. Whatever you do, though, do not give your scumbag "D"H a minute more of your thoughts.

Honestly what a thundercunt.

Your ex sounds like an absolute wanker. You know exactly who he is as he has shown you, so why would you even consider speaking to him again nevermind get back with him?

As for the new guy, just take things very slowly and concentrate on building your life back.

Sorry about the loss of your patents, I hope you are learning to deal with that grief. You deserve better from his family.

Your Ex has pin his colours to the mast he has not loved and supported you - his weekend/dates ideal is clearly just for easy sex. Whilst I would guess he is looking for someone else.
The new guy take stuff entirely at your pace, but put you first every single time.

I suspect you 'd'h is jealous that you are seeing someone else and I suspect that if you were to split up with this other chap, your husband would do the same again to you

Yes it comes across as "I don't really want you, but I'm not letting anyone else have you either."

He's shown his true colours, trust your gut on this one.

@somewheresunny0 my dad is in a psych hospital. He has dementia. I live 600 miles away and one night, I was notified that he was sick and attending a and e. I told my kids I had to go, got in the car, caught the overnight ferry and drove for 9 hours to be there. I phone most night for an hour or so and the staff joke when the phone rings at 9 each night, that is me before they even answer. I visit when I can and we're trying to move him closer. I'm doing my best, in not easy circumstances.

That's what you do if a person you love is sick.

I'm utterly furious and also so sad that you are in this position and I hope you find the strength to keep this horrible man out of your life. He hasn't behaved in a way that could every make you safe, relaxed, able to rely on him. He had a chance to show you who he was and the bastard certainly did.

New man may be just a fling. I'm a bit worried that he sought you out when you were vulnerable but then, that's when you most need support.

Walk away from your ex. In fact run.

Others have already said your ex is a piece of shit who wants you for sex and nothing else, but I'd also counsel you to finish with the new bloke too.

You need your own base to be strong and you cant do that when you have someone else supporting it.

(I'd also be very very wary of a bloke who wants to be with someone a mere month after they've been a MH inpatient and is at their most vulnerable. Some blokes specifically target such women. Be careful.)

Very clear from everything you said that you should not go back to your ex husband, never ever do that. He’s an absolute arsehole who deserted you when you needed him most and to sell all of your things as well?! Heartless pig. You have no children so no reason to ever contact him again, block him and try to move on for your own sake. That’s a no brainer to me, he’s a selfish prick.

I probably wouldn’t focus on meeting someone new right now either, I think you need to focus on yourself and your health right now.

Thank you all so much for your kind words.

The trouble is, I do still love exH but I can't work out whether I'm still in love with him or I love him because we spent many years together. Our wedding day was the happiest day of my life and I genuinely could never imagine a day that this man would ever leave me, he seemed to love me so completely.

I completely understand and take in consideration that living with me whilst I was on the floor with depression couldn't have been easy and I understand that maybe he had to walk for his own well-being if he wasn't happy but I genuinely thought he would help me get the help that I needed. I needed somebody to say "I recognise you are struggling and this is what we are going to do, together, to help you" what he did was the complete opposite and you're all right, I don't know if I'd ever trust him again.

He wouldn't come and visit me and first but then came every Friday whilst I was in hospital and he'd try to initiate sex every time

WTAF? OP please read this back to yourself.

He wouldn't come and visit me and first but then came every Friday whilst I was in hospital and he'd try to initiate sex every time. I felt like what I was going through in the hospital and how traumatic being on a psych ward is itself didn't matter.

He wants sex and is dressing it up as weekend breaks and date nights.

Don't fall for it, OP. The best thing would be to block and delete him. Even change your number.

Your husband is a vile person and probably only now only wants you because you are seeing someone else . You dont treat people you love the way he has treated you . He has treated you beyond appalling how could you contemplate' fun days out ' knowing what he's capable of. I would block him on everything and move on , be with those that make you laugh and support you not abandon you .

Whatever happens with this new guy don't even think about going back to your ex. What an evil piece of work he is.

OP, you probably love the person he used to be or that you thought he was.
The person who has performed the actions you’re describing is a really awful person that you would never be able to trust again.
Just cut him off, believe his actions.

He says he doesn't want to be in a relationship with me right now but live apart and go on dates/weekends away/fun things

what happens when things get real or tough again. you are extremely fortunate that he has shown his true colours and how he will deal in a crisis. This leaves you open to move forward to your lovely new man and amazing future ahead. Good luck OP.

somewheresunny0 Do not go back to your ex, if he can leave you at your lowest he is not worth it, it’ll happen all over again.

Sorry to hear what you've been through @somewheresunny0.

You can't ever trust your H again, even if he tries to convince you that you can. Almost worse than cutting you off when you needed him most and selling your stuff, is the trying to initiate sex when he did finally visit you. He is an awful person. Stay away from him.

I think you may look back one day and realise that your marriage had some elements of an abusive relationship. It is absolutely not normal to try to initiate sex with your wife who is very unwell in a psychiatric ward. Or not visit, or sell your clothes etc.

The fact that you don’t seem alarmed by this and are even considering going back makes me think you’ve been used to going along with things you don’t feel comfortable with over the years.

Stay away from him. Work on yourself and have some casual fun with the new man.