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Original poster

To ask you for advice between going back to Husband who left me or continue with new guy

171 replies

somewheresunny0 · 07/02/2022 09:56

Hello

I need to give as much detail as poss but it's all quite outing.

In September, my husband of 7 years (partner of 11) left me. I had depression and anxiety after losing both of my parents to cancer and we had multiple miscarriages (no children).

I ended up spending 2 months in a psychiatric hospital. I was heartbroken, sad, angry, every emotion that was negative, I felt it.

Whilst in there, he gave up our house (private rented), sold my stuff (furniture, vases etc) on Facebook and his family removed me from the family group chat amongst other petty things.

I came out to my clothes and personal items piled up in boxes at my Dad's house, my bed and dog were there and that was all I had left.

In the last few weeks of my hospital stay, a friend of a friend who I know only socially messaged saying he had heard what had happened and he was there if I needed to talk.

Fast forward 2 months, I've been dating this guy who's lovely, kind, funny. Makes me excited, I look forward to seeing him etc.

My ex Husband for the past 6 weeks has been asking me to go for a weekend away to see if we can move forward and eventually end up back together. He says he doesn't want to be in a relationship with me right now but live apart and go on dates/weekends away/fun things.

So now I have a problem, I'm angry with him for leaving me at my lowest, being heartless enough to sell my home items, his family seemed to forget I ever existed even though they've known me since I was a teenager and nothing bad ever happened between me and their son. I never cheated, never lashed out. I was just very depressed and struggling to work full time, look after a house and maintain a healthy relationship. I was struggling. I would work 12 hour days, come home, shower and go to bed. My ex has his own business and worked weekends so I was alone in my grief and depression all of the time.

My whole heart loves him, but I'm angry and I'm angry with his family. He wants to go to marriage counselling to see if we can rekindle.

The other guy is new and exciting and obviously I don't know the "real" him if you like so it's like taking a big risk.

Do I go back to the guy who was my home, my husband and the love of my life or do I move forwards in this great place that I'm in with my mental health, see how it goes with new guy and just go with the flow.

I don't want to chuck years of partnership, friendship, love, marriage down the drain but I also don't want to go back to what finally broke me.

I feel like my head is scrambled.

Every time I see my ex, all I do is cry, I'm so upset he abandoned me when I needed him most, I'm angry that he now only wants the good parts of a marriage (weekends away etc) but he doesn't want to help me in any other way. But then I know half of the reason I'm crying is because I miss him, us, the good times and family unit we had.

Any wise words from you guys may be all I need. Thank you for reading I know it's long x

OP posts:
Pinkyantelope · 07/02/2022 10:17

Don't even think about going back to your ex. Sorry but he's a revolting excuse for a person. Who would even think about selling someone's stuff when they're temporarily ill in hospital.

When you look back on that relationship, once you've had time to heal, you'll wonder how you could love someone who's so unkind.

I wouldn't get too involved with the other guy either. Stay friends and let yourself get better. Have counselling to build up your confidence in yourself again and your mental health.

Good luck OP.

Whitney168 · 07/02/2022 10:18

I imagine your husband has heard that you are moving on and wants to bring you back in line then break you again.

Whether or not things work out with the new man, clearly you should never give your husband the time of day again.

DiamondBright · 07/02/2022 10:18

Your ex needs to be completely cut off, there's no need for any contact you need to close that chapter of your life.

JustUseTheDoorSanta · 07/02/2022 10:19

I'm sorry you've had such a hard time. Your ex doesn't deserve you, and you know now that he and his family will abandon you if the going gets tough again. That really isn't the right person to have in your life, so best that he's gone. Start the divorce proceedings now and go after every penny you are due for new furniture etc.

With the new guy, who knows! If he's bringing you joy for now then see where it leads. Sometimes the right person can turn up at a strange time, but if they are right then it'll all be fine. And if not at least you'll have had some laughs along the way.

Original poster
somewheresunny0 · 07/02/2022 10:19

@FunnyGoingsOn

You should stay single for a good while.

Did your ex give a reason for his behaviour? Did he say you had done something? Two months is a long time to be in a psychiatric hospital. You must have been extremely unwell.

TBH the fact you started dating the new guy so quickly after coming out of hospital sounds worrying.
I presume you are still under some sort of care? Is there anyone you can talk to in real life

The something serious was the fact I was putting on a brave face for everyone, continuing to work full time, keep my home clean all whilst losing my mind to grief.

I had a breakdown and took an overdose. He left. I took myself to inpatient psychiatric care so that I could learn how to deal with the grief and pain and be "me" again.

I didn't do anything bad to exDH, the worst I did was shut down, sexually, emotionally. He gave me no support.

OP posts:
Change123today · 07/02/2022 10:19

Your ex just doesn’t want to be seen as the bad guy - move on. It’s done.

New guy seems nice - but timing is not good. You are vulnerable. Focus on fixing you and figuring out who you are as a person and what you want. Enjoy the laughter and time spent but keep an open conversation with him that timing isn’t now. If it’s meant to be it will be but you need time to get better, the loss of a husband and marriage- that takes time.

Well done on getting to where you are now - be a little selfish and focus on you - you deserve it. Flowers

Peachtoiletpaper · 07/02/2022 10:20

Please don't give this callous, selfish, heartless man another minute of your time. Engage in therapy to unpick whatever has happened. You will feel sadness at what has happened overall but I am sure that with hindsight you will.feel no regret at turning down his half arsed offer of sex at weekends. Initiating sex in hospital whilst selling your possessions and dismantling your home? That is way beyond forgiveness.

The new man, enjoy his company with no expectations. Move slowly. Flowers

Original poster
somewheresunny0 · 07/02/2022 10:22

I've got to add his Dad (separated from MIL) took time to message me and ask how I was doing, he sent me money in a Christmas card as he always has done and never treated me any differently.

The coldness has come from MIL side.

OP posts:
Original poster
somewheresunny0 · 07/02/2022 10:24

Thank you everjone.

I know I need to take the plunge and cut exDH off.

New guy knows that this will be nothing serious for a long time, I wouldn't string him along. He brings me happiness and laughter which is exactly what I need and I think I do him too (from what he's said).

OP posts:
DiamondBright · 07/02/2022 10:24

I stayed single for a couple of years after my marriage ended, it was a long relationship and his behaviour in the end was appalling (emotionally abusive) and I needed time to heal. I eventually felt strong enough to start dating and met someone but we've taken everything at a snails pace, there's no rush.

XmasElf10 · 07/02/2022 10:25

Your ex sees you as a booty call. You should NEVER speak to that low down lousy little maggot ever again. He is a total shit bag. Date the new guy - or don't if you aren't sure BUT do not go back to the shit bag ex husband he will just treat you like dirt again. I am so angry on your behalf.

Chickychoccyegg · 07/02/2022 10:26

Your dh doesn't deserve another second of your time or your thoughts, he's proven he's not got your back, you can't rely on him, he is a mean, selfish, horrible person.
It's unbelievable how he's behaved, absolutely shocking.
With regards to the new man, as long as you take it really slowly, and it's fun, then why not, it'll do your confidence good .
Best of luck op, and only do what is right for you and your mental health.

Notajogger · 07/02/2022 10:26

I wouldn't go back to your ex if he were the last guy on the planet. Seriously.

AllOfUsAreDead · 07/02/2022 10:27

Do not ever even contemplate getting back with your shitty ex husband. Come on he's a complete loser. And he only wants to go out with you because he hasn't managed to find another woman to shag and is hoping you'll fall for it. DON'T.

Stick with the new guy but don't rush anything. If he starts trying to speed things up, saying he loves you, wants to marry you etc then run like the wind.

Youdoyoutoday · 07/02/2022 10:27

Your husband is a dick and has shown that he can't or won't support you in your time of need so that's not a relationship I'd be rushing to get back in.

He also tried to have sex with you whilst in you were in a hospital at your lowest point, made you homeless and sold your stuff (where is that money, by the way?) and now wants a kinda friends with benefits at the weekend "relationship" ..... do you hear yourself here??

TheABC · 07/02/2022 10:27

To echo the others: your husband broke his vows. He was supposed to love and cherish you. At the very moment you needed his support, he hurt you.

Never let him back into your life. He will bring nothing to it and you can find intimacy, love and friendship elsewhere. Look at getting a divorce to financially severe ties from him and give yourself the freedom and space you need to recover.

The new guy...enjoy the fun. If it develops; good. If it does not, you still know you are attractive and worthy of affection. Take it slow.

Georgeskitchen · 07/02/2022 10:30

Best advice I can give, based on life experience, is if someone has treated you like garbage, don't go back, despite any promises of better behaviour etc.
Heal yourself, don't rush in too fast with the new guy, just take time for yourself

CanofCant · 07/02/2022 10:30

Woah, no way does your husband deserve you back. Have you started the ball rolling with a divorce yet? I cannot believe he treated you that way.

You sound sensible in your focus on yourself and enjoying time with new man but keeping finances and accommodation etc separate for now.

GeorgiaGirl52 · 07/02/2022 10:36

@Hoppinggreen

Your update shows what an awful man your ex actually is What kind of scumbag visits his very ill wife in hospital expecting sex? Please don’t go back to him just because it’s familiar
This^ Familiarity breeds contempt. That is what I feel toward him for the way he treated you. He just wants easy sex without commitment. See a solicitor and file for divorce. Get all you can get of community property, pension, etc. Don't go forward with the new guy until you are mentally stronger and legally divorced. If he is Mr Right then he will be willing to let you set the pace.
Hankunamatata · 07/02/2022 10:37

Ex only wants fun you. If you relapse he isnt going to stick around. Your always going to have to feel like you need to put your best face on for ex. Do you want to live like that?

Ivegottagoforaliedown · 07/02/2022 10:38

Just to echo what everyone else has said - your ex husband is an utter twat and you deserve so much better. I understand its difficult when you have loved him for so long but his actions show he doesn't love you. So pleased you're doing better, you deserve every happiness Flowers

Tell him to get fucked!

Beachhuts90 · 07/02/2022 10:41

Your ex is not the love of your life. Don't think of him as such! He isn't worth it. You have a lot of love ahead of you in your life, don't waste it on someone who hurt you so cruelly.

AlbertBridge · 07/02/2022 10:41

I'm surprised you feel that returning to your husband is the safe, less risky option. He left you at your very lowest point. Even now he's told you he doesn't want a full relationship with you. Going back to him is THE riskiest and stupid thing you could possibly do.

You won't regret not taking a cruel, demonstrably unloving man up on a wishy-washy offer. Promise. You'll never regret it.

He doesn't love you. He just wants you when you don't need him, and doesn't want you when you do.

New guy sounds light, secure, happy and fun. Always follow happiness.

Figgygal · 07/02/2022 10:43

Oh my god
Your ex treated you awfully whilst you were broken then broke you some more
Ive never heard anything more cold and despicable than what he did (outside of abuse or criminal behaviour)
Please tell him to get stuffed

Opus17 · 07/02/2022 10:44

Your ex left you at the lowest point of your life when you needed him most. He has broken the trust, friendship and everything you had together and it's unlikely it'll ever come back.
I'd continue to focus on you and date the new guy. Moving forward is always positive x

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