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Original poster

To ask you for advice between going back to Husband who left me or continue with new guy

171 replies

somewheresunny0 · 07/02/2022 09:56

Hello

I need to give as much detail as poss but it's all quite outing.

In September, my husband of 7 years (partner of 11) left me. I had depression and anxiety after losing both of my parents to cancer and we had multiple miscarriages (no children).

I ended up spending 2 months in a psychiatric hospital. I was heartbroken, sad, angry, every emotion that was negative, I felt it.

Whilst in there, he gave up our house (private rented), sold my stuff (furniture, vases etc) on Facebook and his family removed me from the family group chat amongst other petty things.

I came out to my clothes and personal items piled up in boxes at my Dad's house, my bed and dog were there and that was all I had left.

In the last few weeks of my hospital stay, a friend of a friend who I know only socially messaged saying he had heard what had happened and he was there if I needed to talk.

Fast forward 2 months, I've been dating this guy who's lovely, kind, funny. Makes me excited, I look forward to seeing him etc.

My ex Husband for the past 6 weeks has been asking me to go for a weekend away to see if we can move forward and eventually end up back together. He says he doesn't want to be in a relationship with me right now but live apart and go on dates/weekends away/fun things.

So now I have a problem, I'm angry with him for leaving me at my lowest, being heartless enough to sell my home items, his family seemed to forget I ever existed even though they've known me since I was a teenager and nothing bad ever happened between me and their son. I never cheated, never lashed out. I was just very depressed and struggling to work full time, look after a house and maintain a healthy relationship. I was struggling. I would work 12 hour days, come home, shower and go to bed. My ex has his own business and worked weekends so I was alone in my grief and depression all of the time.

My whole heart loves him, but I'm angry and I'm angry with his family. He wants to go to marriage counselling to see if we can rekindle.

The other guy is new and exciting and obviously I don't know the "real" him if you like so it's like taking a big risk.

Do I go back to the guy who was my home, my husband and the love of my life or do I move forwards in this great place that I'm in with my mental health, see how it goes with new guy and just go with the flow.

I don't want to chuck years of partnership, friendship, love, marriage down the drain but I also don't want to go back to what finally broke me.

I feel like my head is scrambled.

Every time I see my ex, all I do is cry, I'm so upset he abandoned me when I needed him most, I'm angry that he now only wants the good parts of a marriage (weekends away etc) but he doesn't want to help me in any other way. But then I know half of the reason I'm crying is because I miss him, us, the good times and family unit we had.

Any wise words from you guys may be all I need. Thank you for reading I know it's long x

OP posts:
LIZS · 07/02/2022 12:38

@Inspectorslack

Don’t go with either of them. Take time to get yourself sorted and on an even keel. Good luck
This. Ex behaviour was despicable. Sounds like you are not ready to take on a new relationship yet though.
username1293948 · 07/02/2022 12:41

Am I reading this correctly? He tried to initiate sex on a psychiatric ward? Wow.

Just because you think you “love” him, that is NOT a reason to stay with him. He clearly doesn’t love you! As previous posters have said, he wants sex with no strings attached. He sounds absolutely awful.

ISmellBurnings · 07/02/2022 12:43

You don’t love him, you love what was before. Google the sunken coat fallacy.

There is no way you should accept him back, he has behaved appallingly.

ISmellBurnings · 07/02/2022 12:43

Cost! Not coat! No sunken coats here. 🤣

ClawedButler · 07/02/2022 12:44

Sunken costs fallacy.

I'd never heard of that till I joined MN - went and looked it up and it just made so much sense. Very liberating to see through it.

Xmassprout · 07/02/2022 12:46

Your husband is a disgrace

yourestandingonmyneck · 07/02/2022 12:47

Look after yourself!!!!

The new guy....maybe.....who knows. If he's treating you well and being a friend, great. But don't give him any more importance for now.

The ex - no way. Not in a million years. If I didn't feel annoyed at what a prick he clearly is I'd be cringing for him even thinking it's possible that you'd give him another chance.

What a dick.

BrinksmansEntry · 07/02/2022 12:48

Your ex H is a very cruel man. And I bet the guilt has hit him and he wants the chance to be seen to be a nice man by dating you. But in a cruel way - no commitment, all on his terms and I'm assuming an acceptance that he won't be taken to task for the cruel things he did.

Nope. Don't go near him.

You don't have to choose the other guy either, you can choose to be by yourself for a bit. But if you enjoy his company then enjoy it for what it is, an extra to your life rather than the focal point.

I am appalled by the behaviour of your ex H and his family. So, so cruel.

longtompot · 07/02/2022 12:49

Ok, to take the emotion out of it, imagine if your posts were told to you by your best friend. What would you say to her? I imagine you'd be as angry as hell with the husband in this situation and would probably advise your friend to stay far away from him.

Your husband had enough energy to get rid of all your stuff, but not to give to you in the form of emotional support when you needed it.

You need more counselling to get through this. I suspect you are in love with who you thought he was and what you thought your future was going to be. He has shown you he is not the person you thought he was.

Rosieposie101 · 07/02/2022 13:00

I couldn't go back to a man who abandoned me at my weakest, broke my heart ao much tjay I ended up in a psychiatric hospital, got rid of my belongings and pretended I didn't exist. I'd never trust him again. I also couldn't pretend to be a part of a family that could betray me like that. The new guy wouldn't even come into my decision.

Lorw · 07/02/2022 13:04

Please OP never ever go back to your husband, he’s showed you the kind of man he really is, you are still in love with the him before he showed his true colours.

Andouillette · 07/02/2022 13:09

OP, your husband is a very, very bad man in all the ways that count. Take some of the strength you have so bravely gained and tell him to go take a slow spin on a large cactus, followed by fucking a very, very long way off. You deserve so much better than him, you truly do. It is not a choice between him and your new friend at all, in fact there is no choice, you need to divorce him as fast as is humanly possible. New friend is not even really relevant right now, he is somebody to have fun with and long may that continue! You surely deserve some fun and kindness after all you have been through.

dworky · 07/02/2022 13:09

@Inspectorslack

Don’t go with either of them. Take time to get yourself sorted and on an even keel. Good luck
This.
guinnessguzzler · 07/02/2022 13:25

Sorrt you have had such a time of it, OP. Can I suggest your new personal anthem in regard to your ex becomes McAlmont & Butler's 'Yes'. It pretty much covers it. Do not go back to him, ever. You deserve better, whether that be with the new guy, someone else, or on your own.

guinnessguzzler · 07/02/2022 13:26

*Sorry

whynotwhatknot · 07/02/2022 13:28

Theres one thing splitting up because he couldnt cope with you mh-then theres selling your posessions and acting like youdont exist-what possessed him to do that

Whatadayyyy · 07/02/2022 13:28

Please don’t go back to him. He left you at your most vulnerable and the way he treated you was despicable. You deserve so much better. Take a bit of time for you

whynotwhatknot · 07/02/2022 13:29

@guinnessguzzler

Sorrt you have had such a time of it, OP. Can I suggest your new personal anthem in regard to your ex becomes McAlmont & Butler's 'Yes'. It pretty much covers it. Do not go back to him, ever. You deserve better, whether that be with the new guy, someone else, or on your own.
Love that song
NorthSouth25 · 07/02/2022 13:29

Wow you have been through such an awful time. I really feel for you.

As with a lot of comments on here, I would advise maybe not opening the door again to your ex. You might have taken your vows seriously, but I'm sorry to say, it doesn't look like he did. To be committed to someone is to be by their side in the toughest of times and sadly, he wasn't.

I would worry that your renewed improvements to your mental health would suffer which would be so terrible seeing as you have made progress (without him).. which in itself is a tell tale sign that he wasn't good for you.

When you're with someone for so long you sometimes can't see an alternative, like you're conditioned to being in those circumstances.

But I would take some time away if you can - on your own - without either of them and start to feel better.. when you do the right person will come along (it might be the new guy but what's the rush).

I wish you all the luck in the world!

Summerhillsquare · 07/02/2022 13:30

Jesus Christ, divorce the fucker. And tell everyone what he's done..

Littlegoth · 07/02/2022 13:39

Your ex is not your home. He burned down your home. I had multiple miscarriages too and I can’t imagine where I would be if my partner had acted the way yours did. I’m so sorry you were treated like that. I can’t say what you should do, I don’t think I would be able to move past that. Flowers

Dragongirl10 · 07/02/2022 13:45

Very gently @somewheresunny0* I don’t think you still love your (ex) DH.

You love who you thought he was. You love the image he had projected, not the real him.
The reality him let you down at the worst possible time. The real him sold all your possessions. The real him kicked you out of your house wo even telling you, knowing full well you could do nothing about it.
That’s who the real him is.

Now that he has shown you who he is, what do you think will happen if you go back to him?
Do you expect him to treat you well, to respect you, to care for you? Or should you expect him to drop you and hurt you like he has just done (and then claim it was never serious anyway so what did you expect?)

This guy is bad bad news.
Don’t ever consider going back to him.*

This x 100 ^

Sunnysidegold · 07/02/2022 13:48

I think you need to take the new guy out of the decision.

The issue is.....are you wanting to get back together with your husband? From what you have said here he sounds absolutely horrendous and has shown no consideration at all for you during one of the hardest things you've possibly been through.

I would feel so betrayed by him and would probably live on tenterhooks waiting for him to do this kind of thing again.

He has made his bed and he can lie in it.

ScrumptiousBears · 07/02/2022 14:13

Don't take this the wrong way OP but exH probably thought there were loads of women out there for him and now he realises there aren't and he fancies sex on tap he's come back looking to you.

I'd also have to wonder what sort of man contacts a female he doesn't really know whilst she is in MH care and makes a play for her. That also strikes like a man after a vulnerable woman.

I'd ditch both.

RobinPenguins · 07/02/2022 14:16

I'd also have to wonder what sort of man contacts a female he doesn't really know whilst she is in MH care and makes a play for her. That also strikes like a man after a vulnerable woman.

I agree with this and find it worrying how many posters describe the new man as sounding like “a good one” or a “decent man”.

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