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Original poster

To ask you for advice between going back to Husband who left me or continue with new guy

171 replies

somewheresunny0 · 07/02/2022 09:56

Hello

I need to give as much detail as poss but it's all quite outing.

In September, my husband of 7 years (partner of 11) left me. I had depression and anxiety after losing both of my parents to cancer and we had multiple miscarriages (no children).

I ended up spending 2 months in a psychiatric hospital. I was heartbroken, sad, angry, every emotion that was negative, I felt it.

Whilst in there, he gave up our house (private rented), sold my stuff (furniture, vases etc) on Facebook and his family removed me from the family group chat amongst other petty things.

I came out to my clothes and personal items piled up in boxes at my Dad's house, my bed and dog were there and that was all I had left.

In the last few weeks of my hospital stay, a friend of a friend who I know only socially messaged saying he had heard what had happened and he was there if I needed to talk.

Fast forward 2 months, I've been dating this guy who's lovely, kind, funny. Makes me excited, I look forward to seeing him etc.

My ex Husband for the past 6 weeks has been asking me to go for a weekend away to see if we can move forward and eventually end up back together. He says he doesn't want to be in a relationship with me right now but live apart and go on dates/weekends away/fun things.

So now I have a problem, I'm angry with him for leaving me at my lowest, being heartless enough to sell my home items, his family seemed to forget I ever existed even though they've known me since I was a teenager and nothing bad ever happened between me and their son. I never cheated, never lashed out. I was just very depressed and struggling to work full time, look after a house and maintain a healthy relationship. I was struggling. I would work 12 hour days, come home, shower and go to bed. My ex has his own business and worked weekends so I was alone in my grief and depression all of the time.

My whole heart loves him, but I'm angry and I'm angry with his family. He wants to go to marriage counselling to see if we can rekindle.

The other guy is new and exciting and obviously I don't know the "real" him if you like so it's like taking a big risk.

Do I go back to the guy who was my home, my husband and the love of my life or do I move forwards in this great place that I'm in with my mental health, see how it goes with new guy and just go with the flow.

I don't want to chuck years of partnership, friendship, love, marriage down the drain but I also don't want to go back to what finally broke me.

I feel like my head is scrambled.

Every time I see my ex, all I do is cry, I'm so upset he abandoned me when I needed him most, I'm angry that he now only wants the good parts of a marriage (weekends away etc) but he doesn't want to help me in any other way. But then I know half of the reason I'm crying is because I miss him, us, the good times and family unit we had.

Any wise words from you guys may be all I need. Thank you for reading I know it's long x

OP posts:
GettingThemFromHereToThere · 07/02/2022 14:20

I'm so sorry you've had such a tough time 💐 having multiple miscarriages and losing parents are both extremely hard things to move past. Especially when you didn't seem to have much support.

In all honesty, I would NOT go back to your ex. He let you down in your time of need and it doesn't sound like he's able to step up - that's not what you need from someone. He's shown himself to be a bad partner.

I also would probably put the breaks on your new relationship. You're vulnerable at the moment and it may be a good time to concentrate on yourself and build a solid life. Rather than jump into another relationship that may provide more instability than it's worth.

Concentrate on building your confidence again. Find hobbies and balance. Then, when the time is right, you'll be in a great position to have a family. It doesn't sound like you're there yet.

All the best, remember to put yourself first ❤️

AngeloMysterioso · 07/02/2022 14:24

I just can’t imagine why the fuck you would even be considering reconciling with your ex husband.

The new guy sounds dodgy AF as well, getting in there when you’re at your most vulnerable.

If I were you I’d sack them both off and just spend some time by yourself, healing and figuring out who you are now, without a man in your life.

SportsMother · 07/02/2022 14:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Eddielzzard · 07/02/2022 14:31

I think you're grieving for the loss of your marriage. He can't offer that marriage you thought you had back, after being so incredibly disloyal and unsupportive. No, I could never get past what he did. Don't give him the chance to hurt you again, because he will. It's who he is - he can't be there for you emotionally.

FurbleSocks · 07/02/2022 14:33

The new guy might not be 'the" one but your ex no longer is. To abandon you, remove all your possessions, bad mouth you to his family and yet still try to have sex with you when he visited you during your recovery are so many unforgivable things.

I think you need to grieve for the relationship you have lost because he is no longer that man on your wedding day. In sickness and in health? He ran.

The new guy was prepared to listen when you were at your worst. Walked towards it even. I don't know if it will work out but from a character perspective he's shown far more strength in character than your ex.

CandyLeBonBon · 07/02/2022 14:37

Neither. Spend some time healing from the masses of trauma you've experienced.

CandyLeBonBon · 07/02/2022 14:40

Sorry to clarify New man sounds like he wants to be a 'white knight/saviour' - ex is a cunt of the highest order and I don't think you're in the right space mentally or emotionally to be embarking on a relationship with anyone.

Bintymcbintface · 07/02/2022 14:55

Aw no don't go back to him, take time for yourself and go slow with the new guy casually and have some fun. DH left you when you felt your worst, dumped your stuff, his family dropped you and now he's trying to get you back on a maybe basis. Fuck that, you might love him but you need to see that he doesn't deserve you or your love.

vera16 · 07/02/2022 14:57

I can understand why are you tempted to go back as you've been through hell and it would be comforting to go back to familiarity (the bits that he hasn't sold FFS). But just don't. When you are feeling stronger you will look back and wonder why you even considered it.

Mouldyfeet · 07/02/2022 15:34

Your ex has realised no other woman wants him because he is clearly so fucking vile, and knows you are still vulnerable and so wants you back. I expect the reason why you were so 'broken' was down to how your ex treated you. He's awful;, why on earth would you even be speaking to him. Cut contact, he's a selfish, creepy, prick.

poetryandwine · 07/02/2022 15:35

OP,

I have to say that the PPs who are concerned about your new guy in a way that originally I was not may have a point. I thought he could have been a friend of a friend who knows what it is like to be broken by events. We all have a breaking point.

If you take it slow and stay very cautious I hope and think you will be fine. But please do stay alert for any clue that this fellow is interested in your weakness rather than your strength

MegaClutterSlut · 07/02/2022 15:49

Never ever go back to your H. Not only did he let you down massively when you needed him the most, he then also proceeded to fuck you right over because he's an arsehole. Those aren't the actions of someone that loves and cares about you, completely unforgivable imo

Suzanne999 · 07/02/2022 15:55

I have a horrible feeling your exh only wants you for sex —- try you out see how it goes and then he’ll decide if he walks or not. ( sorry to be blunt)
A husband who’ll sell your belongings, get rid of your home and not contact you when you were hospitalised is never going to be a kind supportive husband.
Bin him, block him.
Have fun with your new man. Have a good time with him, see new places. After what you’ve been through you deserve lightness, fun and happiness —- not wondering when your miserable ex will drop you again. Good luck.

T00Ts · 07/02/2022 15:57

Your husband wasn’t was, is and will always be a cunt.

Don’t go back. Ever.

Redlander · 07/02/2022 15:57

Please don’t go back to your husband. You have come so far!! Flowers

T00Ts · 07/02/2022 15:58

Your husband WAS, IS and will ALWAYS BE….

Not sure why that erroneous ‘wasn’t’ snuck in.

Catcrazy83 · 07/02/2022 16:11

You should divorce him, never mind consider going back Confused
As for the new bloke, you should stop using him to make yourself feel better. It’s unfair. You admit you’re still in love with your husband, getting involved with anyone else right now won’t end well.

Summerhouse1998 · 07/02/2022 16:11

OP,

I am so very sorry for the horrendous things you've gone through, losing both of your parents and your miscarriages.

This should have been a time when your husband should have supported you, shown his love for you, but he didn't did he? In fact he added to your pain with what he did by getting rid of your precious belongings, getting rid of your home...this to me shows his true character. If he's done this once he could well hurt you again..

Someone I know was cheated on many years ago by his wife, but he still desperately wanted to make a go of the marriage, wanted to hold on to it. He was given some advice by someone which was basically "don't look back, look forward to the future and new beginnings"

It was the best advice they received and life was better by moving on.

Sending love your way x

Summerhouse1998 · 07/02/2022 16:20

@guinnessguzzler

Sorrt you have had such a time of it, OP. Can I suggest your new personal anthem in regard to your ex becomes McAlmont & Butler's 'Yes'. It pretty much covers it. Do not go back to him, ever. You deserve better, whether that be with the new guy, someone else, or on your own.
Spot on! And one of my all time favourite songs - such strong lyrics.
Merryoldgoat · 07/02/2022 16:40

Your husband doesn’t deserve anything but your contempt.

You are worth a thousand of him.

whysoserious123 · 07/02/2022 16:43

No way should you go back to your husband !
Wow the way he treated you I wouldn't treat an enemy like that let alone someone who I've promised to love no matter the circumstances! Move on with the new guy or without the new guy but NOT back with your husband ! He doesn't deserve you !
Work on yourself

AnotherLongDay · 07/02/2022 17:04

He’s disgusting, don’t go back to him

Rach000 · 07/02/2022 20:13

Don't go back to him, he will hurt you again. He has said he doesn't want a relationship so will just be using you by the sounds of it till he decides. He should be begging for forgiveness if he really wanted you.
Just keep getting to know the new guy, sounds like he could be good for you if you take it slow.

katie4004 · 07/02/2022 22:02

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CleoUK · 07/02/2022 22:42

Your husband has abandoned you when you needed him. He will make you hurt again. Do not let him do it.
He is not the person you loved. That man is gone or never was...The person that is left is selfish, had his family set against you and now is after easy free fun sex.
Look for support irl (and online). You need to love yourself and take care of yourself.