To ask you for advice between going back to Husband who left me or continue with new guy

[somewheresunny0]

Hello

I need to give as much detail as poss but it's all quite outing.

In September, my husband of 7 years (partner of 11) left me. I had depression and anxiety after losing both of my parents to cancer and we had multiple miscarriages (no children).

I ended up spending 2 months in a psychiatric hospital. I was heartbroken, sad, angry, every emotion that was negative, I felt it.

Whilst in there, he gave up our house (private rented), sold my stuff (furniture, vases etc) on Facebook and his family removed me from the family group chat amongst other petty things.

I came out to my clothes and personal items piled up in boxes at my Dad's house, my bed and dog were there and that was all I had left.

In the last few weeks of my hospital stay, a friend of a friend who I know only socially messaged saying he had heard what had happened and he was there if I needed to talk.

Fast forward 2 months, I've been dating this guy who's lovely, kind, funny. Makes me excited, I look forward to seeing him etc.

My ex Husband for the past 6 weeks has been asking me to go for a weekend away to see if we can move forward and eventually end up back together. He says he doesn't want to be in a relationship with me right now but live apart and go on dates/weekends away/fun things.

So now I have a problem, I'm angry with him for leaving me at my lowest, being heartless enough to sell my home items, his family seemed to forget I ever existed even though they've known me since I was a teenager and nothing bad ever happened between me and their son. I never cheated, never lashed out. I was just very depressed and struggling to work full time, look after a house and maintain a healthy relationship. I was struggling. I would work 12 hour days, come home, shower and go to bed. My ex has his own business and worked weekends so I was alone in my grief and depression all of the time.

My whole heart loves him, but I'm angry and I'm angry with his family. He wants to go to marriage counselling to see if we can rekindle.

The other guy is new and exciting and obviously I don't know the "real" him if you like so it's like taking a big risk.

Do I go back to the guy who was my home, my husband and the love of my life or do I move forwards in this great place that I'm in with my mental health, see how it goes with new guy and just go with the flow.

I don't want to chuck years of partnership, friendship, love, marriage down the drain but I also don't want to go back to what finally broke me.

I feel like my head is scrambled.

Every time I see my ex, all I do is cry, I'm so upset he abandoned me when I needed him most, I'm angry that he now only wants the good parts of a marriage (weekends away etc) but he doesn't want to help me in any other way. But then I know half of the reason I'm crying is because I miss him, us, the good times and family unit we had.

Any wise words from you guys may be all I need. Thank you for reading I know it's long x

He not only left you when you needed his support and love, he kicked you while you were down. I don't know anyone who could do that to a stranger never mind their wife.

I'd be asking for compensation for my belongings not thinking of getting back with him.

If you are tempted to return to 'D'H read back your own update - "I took an overdose. He left."
I wouldn't leave a lodger who had just taken an overdose. I would be around for them until they were well enough to care for themselves. And this is the person you should be able to rely on, beyond any other, because he made that commitment to you.
He is showing you who he is: and it's really not a recommendation.
I'm so sorry you've been through such awful times. I really hope that you choose joy.

The fact that you would even consider going back to this louse of a husband shows how very vulnerable you are. More than that, you are probably codependent.

You need some serious long-term counselling to explore why you would let someone treat you like this, and to learn about boundaries and self-esteem.

Codependent No More may be a useful read for you to start with.

If you do not get to grips with your demons and learn to be whole on your own, without depending on anyone else to feel complete and in charge of your life, you will remain a victim of this man or another one for your entire life.

Your DH sounds vile.
“To me, some of the things he's done are unforgivable (for example me being stuck in hospital 50 miles away seeing my stuff sold on Facebook).”- I’d never trust him again. Block and delete him from your life.

You should never even consider going back to your husband .

Your ex is a total shit, he is desperate for a shag and wants to date you for this purpose. Tell him to fuck the fuck off and wank himself into obscurity. No thoughts about the new guy but take it easy OP. You have been through a terrible time.

Don't go back. You deserve better.

When you needed him the most, when you were at your most vulnerable, when your world had collapsed - your husband bailed.

You would be very foolish to go back to someone who has shown you that he will not be there for you in the sickness part of in sickness or in health.

@somewheresunny0

Fuck him (your EX DH.) Don't have him back. What a cheeky fucker he is!

OP,

I wasn’t going to say anything until I saw your update on p 3, because PPs have given voice to my main thoughts.

But your ex is so awful that I don’t think it matters if you are still in love with him. He is surely not in love with you in any meaningful sense of the word or he could never have done what he did.

You’ve put yourself back together and you have the possibility of something with a guy who sounds like one of the good ones. I am so glad that he makes you laugh, and that you’re taking it slow. Please honour the progress you’ve made.

Don’t go back. Tell him to never contact you again.

You love the man you thought he was. Who he actually is, however, is a thoughtless git who discarded you like it was nothing and only came sniffing around again once he thought it would benefit him.

You can’t trust him, he’s not a safe person for you.

Don't turn back, there's nothing new to see there x

Is it possible that rather than still love him you love the happy past and happy memories it represents? It's very confusing when circumstances change. How can we mentally process our wedding days as being so happy when the marriages don't last? I don't have magic answers. You can't change the past, nor the memories - good and bad - but you can change the future.

*The fact that you would even consider going back to this louse of a husband shows how very vulnerable you are. More than that, you are probably codependent.

You need some serious long-term counselling to explore why you would let someone treat you like this, and to learn about boundaries and self-esteem.*

This.

You are not quite right, and i mean that kindly, op.

You need some space to get a level head, set yourself up in your living situation, you need to sort out getting divorced from your awful, awful, husband.

And drop the boyfriend if it no longer works for you.

personally, i think you need some time to just be you, and i wouldn't think any reputable therapist would suggest already being in bed with another man/meeting his social network/etc is healthy... but you need to do what's right for you.

don't look back at your DH, it's not the right thing FOR YOU in the long term, and he's already proven that he's the worse sort of person, kicking you when you were down. get him out of your life.

Don’t go back to your ex. I can’t see how you would ever get over how he treated you.

However I’m also quite suspicious of a man who would get involved with someone so recently separated and so recently after a serious psychiatric episode. Tread very, very carefully.

You want a quick way back to hospital get back with your husband. You will forever be on edge with your mental health that he will run at the first opportunity. Do not do this to yourself; use this as an almost rebirth for yourself after the marriage.

He wants an easy shag, you will never trust him fully again. Do not go there!

Your husband tried to have sex with you when you were in hospital? Are you kidding me? The man is a scumbag and him and his family have demonstrated quite adequately what awful people they are. Please don't go back to him.

I do understand how you feel to an extent, my ex left for OW, treated me and the children like trash. I mean cruelty beyond belief. I still wanted him back for a good while. Then I had counselling and did the Freedom Programme and that flicked a switch. I wouldn't even look at my ex again, let alone pine for him. He's a vile man.

There is nothing to say that your current relationship will last forever, it might, it might not. However, I do think you need to take some time to sort yourself out, particularly as you are actually worried that you'll regret not returning to a man who treated you so appallingly. Don't go back there. Good luck

(((HUG)))

I know you think you 'love' your Ex, but what you love is the good memories (like your wedding day), the future you thought you'd have with him.

The real him is the one that abandoned you when you were at your lowest, sold your stuff & tried to have sex with you every time he visited you in the psyc hospital. That's NOT someone who loves you or that you should go back to. You know that really, you just don't want to face it.

Why would you choose to go back to someone who doesn't have your back when the chips are down?? It was something I really struggled with after I split up with my ex. I still feel like I love him & I still feel like I want him, but the sane part of my brain says 'don't be so ridiculous!!'

You just need to be strong & practical. Do you have anything financial you need to get sorted with him? Do that first if you do! Then tell him it's over & to stay the hell away from him.

That's the most important bit!!

The new man...

I know you're having fun etc, but a man that starts up a relationship with someone as fragile as you were, is not good news. Sorry.

You won't listen Im sure, but you actually need to be on your own for a while. Grieve fir the loss of your marriage, your parents & life sometimes being shit!

Then (alongside the ongoing grief at losing your parents) build up a life, then maybe meet someone new.

Are your parents homes/assets being left to you? If so, see a solicitor ASAP about securing them against your ExDH who abandoned you in a psych hospital.

Are you living in your Dads house?

I suspect you ExH is stringing you sling to get his hands on your inheritance!!

Very gently @somewheresunny0 I don’t think you still love your (ex) DH.

You love who you thought he was. You love the image he had projected, not the real him.
The reality him let you down at the worst possible time. The real him sold all your possessions. The real him kicked you out of your house wo even telling you, knowing full well you could do nothing about it.
That’s who the real him is.

Now that he has shown you who he is, what do you think will happen if you go back to him?
Do you expect him to treat you well, to respect you, to care for you? Or should you expect him to drop you and hurt you like he has just done (and then claim it was never serious anyway so what did you expect?)

This guy is bad bad news.
Don’t ever consider going back to him.

Cut your ex off. You don’t love him, you are just not strong enough psychologically to recognise this. He is an absolute shit and not worth an ounce of your energy. Get some counselling and work on self-esteem and boundaries. By all means see the other guy if it’s fun but don’t expect it to patch everything up- you need to focus on yourself more than any relationship. Be happy being single and free!

I am really sorry but I think it is possible to love someone and have wanted a future with them (otherwise why did you get married?) and still recognise that this person is not who you thought and that they actually damaged you. And no matter how much you try to ignore or set aside how much they did damage you, it will always be there and you will always remember. It does not mean that you easily stop loving them, just that the future you thought you would have can no longer be. If you are going to truly heal, and we’ll done, you recognised that you needed to, then it will be without your husband. He has forfeited the right to be part of your life by acting so badly. He has no right to ask anything of you, and you should definitely not feel obliged to give him anything.

I would certainly let his dad know that you appreciated his kindness, but the rest of them? Let them go.

Focus on yourself. New guy sounds very kind and you have been open with him and it does not sound like he is pushing you. I don’t think there is a need to change anything there. Just make sure you have enough time and energy for yourself.

*well done, not we’ll done

You’re ex sounds absolutely awful and I think in your OP you’ve already answered your own question about him. Leave that in the past. It will get easier in time, but if you stay I highly doubt you’ll be able to move past what he did, trust him, or feel comfortable and secure in that relationship ever again and you’ll be stuck in limbo.

The new guy sounds like a decent and kind guy. Keep having fun with him as long as he treats you well, but ultimately focus on yourself and your recovery.

I don’t think your ex has the right to pressurise you into sorting things out after he has behaved. He didn’t support you when you needed it so he now needs to support you while you figure out what you want. If he loves you he’ll wait whatever time.

Personally I don’t think it would be wise to get back with him at anytime but certainly not yet.

The new guy is very new so just take it at a fun pace. Don’t get in too deep and don’t let it consume your mind. Don’t feel it has to work out to justify not getting back with your ex. The end result might be that you end up with neither of these guys and that’s ok. Don’t view it as a gamble or a risk because that just messes your mind.

Please don’t go back to him. He couldn’t accept you at your worst, and now you’re beginning to recover he’s come crawling back? Absolutely not! You deserve someone who will be with you through thick and thin, someone you know you can rely on - he is NOT that.