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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I've got a terrible cold and I refused to look after the kids

151 replies

EezyOozy · 06/02/2022 15:04

I am a SAHM. At least I am Until Aug this year when my 2yo takes her place in the preschool nursery. Husband earns £70k pa from main job and £10-15k from additional self employed work he chooses to take on. He puts this extra income in his self investment pension. He also has an employment pension. ( I have set up a modest LISA that I pay into from family pot to cover gap in pension from being a SAHM for 3y. I also keep my state pension contributions up. )

Anyway, I've had a dreadful cold all week and so have my 2 and 4 year old. It's been a real struggle. I am shattered. This morning he announced he needed to work all day on self employed stuff and that for doing just a small amount of work he will get £7k so he couldn't turn it down.

I asked what he will do with the money (there are loads of things that need fixing in our house, it's a doer upper, as well as the needing a new garden fence to make the garden sage for the kids).

He said he was going to put it all in his self investment pension. He told me this while I was trying to put a grocery delivery away, snot dripping down my face and I had just told him how shattered I was (and that my cold had made me go deaf in one ear). The children were already being challenging.

I said "if I have to look after the kids alone at the weekend when I am unwell, after the week I've had, then the money should at least go into the family pot or be spent on the fence or the house .... otherwise why should i agree to struggle on alone. What's in it for me?!!".

He thought this was outrageous and starting having a rant about how he earns all the money, so I told him to look after the kids and went for a lie down. I didn't want to argue in front of the kids but I sent him a lengthy message saying he needs to appreciate me more and the value of looking after the kids when they are ill and off school, throughout the pandemic when all the childcare closed and I couldn't go out with them and nearly went mad, and during relocating for his new job. I'm still livid. He hasn't apologised yet as he genuinely thinks it's outrageous that I've refused to look after the kids alone all day today.

AIBU??

OP posts:
Original poster
EezyOozy · 06/02/2022 15:05

Btw our mortgage is small, I run a fairly frugal house!

OP posts:
Original poster
EezyOozy · 06/02/2022 15:06

When I say school, I mean nursery (where my 4yo goes).

OP posts:
AtrociousCircumstance · 06/02/2022 15:07

YANBU.

The wife machine never breaks down does it?! The wife machine has to keep functioning. Regardless of anything.

Rest as long as you need to, he’s being a self-absorbed prick.

PinkPlantCase · 06/02/2022 15:08

Good on you OP hope he see’s the error of his ways.

Original poster
EezyOozy · 06/02/2022 15:08

Thanks. I have some strange sort of mum guilt for "not wanting to look after my own children". It's not even that I don't want to look after them, I just don't want to look after them alone today.

OP posts:
Original poster
EezyOozy · 06/02/2022 15:09

I think I will have words with him this evening and say I'm happy to look after them for a day next weekend, without any help from him, providing the money goes into the joint account and gets spent on the house!

OP posts:
MintJulia · 06/02/2022 15:09

I'd book a nanny for Mon-Wed. Put it on a shared credit card.

Domestic engineers are entitled to sick leave just the same as every other human being. Your husband is being a tit. You're married, all funds are shared funds anyway.

CreamFirstThenJamOnTop · 06/02/2022 15:10

Yanbu to want him to parent while you’re feeling so poorly.
Yabu to conflate this issue with the money issue. It’s just over complicating things and sounds tit for tat.

Deal with the issues separately.

Original poster
EezyOozy · 06/02/2022 15:10

Thanks @MintJulia . The thing is if he puts it into a self-employed pension then it is ring fenced in a way, can't be spent on the house and it can't be touched by me. I don't mind him putting some money in there but not huge chunks, not when I have to look after the kids when I'm basically crawling around ill, after having them all week

OP posts:
Original poster
EezyOozy · 06/02/2022 15:11

@CreamFirstThenJamOnTop good point . I think they became naturally completed due to this mornings discussion. They are separate though. I have two issues!

OP posts:
WaningMoon · 06/02/2022 15:11

You are definitely not being unreasonable OP.

It sounds very much like your ‘D’H has decided he is the big earner therefore the lions share of the money is his and you are solely responsible for all the childcare, absolutely not fair, he should be stepping up when you are sick and taking on a more active parenting role.

And he shouldn’t be funnelling all spare income into just his pension - it needs splitting between family savings or your pensions.

AtrociousCircumstance · 06/02/2022 15:12

Yes the money is both of yours and he shouldn’t get to control where it goes.

And it is separate to this issue. No bargaining or leverage.

The money needs to be spent on immediate things (not fattening his pension pot) AND you are not a machine, you need a rest when ill AND he is also a parent and needs to behave like one.

CallmeHendricks · 06/02/2022 15:13

Did he actually accuse you of "not wanting to look after your own children?"
You are ill. What's his excuse? He would rather work than do so?

Original poster
EezyOozy · 06/02/2022 15:14

No he didn't say that @CallmeHendricks , that was my strange internal monologue

OP posts:
SparklingLime · 06/02/2022 15:14

YABU in putting up with this ridiculous and demeaning situation.

Booklover3 · 06/02/2022 15:17

No of course you aren’t being unreasonable. He is. Massively

Marmm · 06/02/2022 15:19

Absolutely fair enough

viques · 06/02/2022 15:20

I do hope you are a named beneficiary on this pension that is taking a huge chunk of your family wealth in case anything should happen to him.

Why isn’t some of that money being used to increase your modest pension so that in the future you also have some disposable income of your own?

Remind him how much childcare would cost him if you were not available to do it, he has chosen to have children, he needs to realise that your contribution to his family’s well being has a price tag which should be taken account of even if it doesn’t come with a pay slip attached.

Blossom64265 · 06/02/2022 15:21

You have just encapsulated in one post why barring addictions, separate finances when you have children make absolutely no sense.

When he is working and earning and you are watching the children you are also doing essential labor for that earning.

Stay in bed. Get better. Don’t put up with this anymore.

BluebellsGreenbells · 06/02/2022 15:21

You need to break this down for him, you being at home enables him to work, you are doing him a favor not the other way round.

You do 24 hour shifts with no breaks, no lunch and no holiday or sick pay.

You need to step up and ask for your share of additional funds or he needs to source childcare when you need time off.

AnotherEmma · 06/02/2022 15:25

I think this is a much bigger issue than just getting him to look after the kids while you're unwell.

So many things about this situation are wrong. The main thing is the financial disparity and lack of joint decision-making and access to finances. There's not a huge amount of information to go on but I am wondering if this might amount to financial abuse. That might sound extreme. But what he's doing is saving money for himself while depriving his wife and children of money that would benefit them. If that's not abusive it's certainly extremely unfair.

If my high-earning husband refused to spend money on a garden fence to make it safe for the children to play in the garden, I would be seeking legal advice on divorce and a fair financial settlement. I'm not even joking. It's the kind of selfishness that would make me furious.

Original poster
EezyOozy · 06/02/2022 15:26

*I do hope you are a named beneficiary on this pension that is taking a huge chunk of your family wealth in case anything should happen to him.

Why isn’t some of that money being used to increase your modest pension so that in the future you also have some disposable income of your own?*

I am pretty sure I am the named beneficiary, but I will double check later.

And yes I should also insist that some of it goes into my own pension. I might even ask that he sets me up for the same self invested pension that he has and pays into that too!

All to be discussed this evening if my brain can take it.

I do remind him regularly about how lucky he is to have full-time "childcare" so he can work as much as he pleases! His bubble will burst in August when I go back to work though

OP posts:
namechangedforthiss1 · 06/02/2022 15:28

@hassletassle any work he takes on at the weekend should be split or put into the family pot! Why should you suffer alone for him to work if its only benefiting him?

Original poster
EezyOozy · 06/02/2022 15:28

If my high-earning husband refused to spend money on a garden fence to make it safe for the children to play in the garden, I would be seeking legal advice on divorce and a fair financial settlement. I'm not even joking. It's the kind of selfishness that would make me furious.

Thanks, yes I do agree. I am going to insist on the fence this evening. As part of my list of things I am going to bring up!

OP posts:
Bryzoan · 06/02/2022 15:31

YANBU!! So much wrong here.

Firstly, the assumption that money you earn together (by you looking after the kids while he takes on work that is directly fee paying) is his alone to choose how to spend. It is joint work and joint money.

Second - the complete lack of awareness and empathy regarding you needing a break. Really poor show.

I hate to say it, but the way these issues are managed now really matters. Once the kids no longer need so much looking after he is not going to suddenly value the work you have put in in these years more.