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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I've got a terrible cold and I refused to look after the kids

151 replies

EezyOozy · 06/02/2022 15:04

I am a SAHM. At least I am Until Aug this year when my 2yo takes her place in the preschool nursery. Husband earns £70k pa from main job and £10-15k from additional self employed work he chooses to take on. He puts this extra income in his self investment pension. He also has an employment pension. ( I have set up a modest LISA that I pay into from family pot to cover gap in pension from being a SAHM for 3y. I also keep my state pension contributions up. )

Anyway, I've had a dreadful cold all week and so have my 2 and 4 year old. It's been a real struggle. I am shattered. This morning he announced he needed to work all day on self employed stuff and that for doing just a small amount of work he will get £7k so he couldn't turn it down.

I asked what he will do with the money (there are loads of things that need fixing in our house, it's a doer upper, as well as the needing a new garden fence to make the garden sage for the kids).

He said he was going to put it all in his self investment pension. He told me this while I was trying to put a grocery delivery away, snot dripping down my face and I had just told him how shattered I was (and that my cold had made me go deaf in one ear). The children were already being challenging.

I said "if I have to look after the kids alone at the weekend when I am unwell, after the week I've had, then the money should at least go into the family pot or be spent on the fence or the house .... otherwise why should i agree to struggle on alone. What's in it for me?!!".

He thought this was outrageous and starting having a rant about how he earns all the money, so I told him to look after the kids and went for a lie down. I didn't want to argue in front of the kids but I sent him a lengthy message saying he needs to appreciate me more and the value of looking after the kids when they are ill and off school, throughout the pandemic when all the childcare closed and I couldn't go out with them and nearly went mad, and during relocating for his new job. I'm still livid. He hasn't apologised yet as he genuinely thinks it's outrageous that I've refused to look after the kids alone all day today.

AIBU??

OP posts:
Voice0fReason · 06/02/2022 17:41

I do remind him regularly about how lucky he is to have full-time "childcare" so he can work as much as he pleases! His bubble will burst in August when I go back to work though

His bubble won't burst because you will remain completely responsible for all childcare while he carries on doing what he wants to do.

howtoleaveit · 06/02/2022 17:44

You can get access to that pension if you split up. Imagine-you’d have every other weekend to yourself plus half the assets and you wouldn’t be his servant anymore. You could have a life and he’d have a huge shock. What’s the actual point of him? What are you getting out of this? You could get rid and spend the next year building yourself back up. Then start dating and find someone who actually likes you and wants to spend their weekends with you

Theunamedcat · 06/02/2022 17:46

Anyone else in a cold house wondering how you make £7000 in a weekend?

ancientgran · 06/02/2022 17:46

[quote hassletassle]@Skilovingmama that's dreadful. I've worked out that, from the end of my last maternity leave to the point I had to go back to work it will only be 2.5 years, that's long enough for me, hopefully not too long to get a job quickly. I've also been doing some studying and getting some additional qualifications while I've been a stay at home mum, which has been very difficult to fit in, mostly doing it at night when I'm shattered, but I should be able to get a better job than the one I left, in theory anyway[/quote]
I had to take some time off work, not for children but when DH originally became disabled and life was a bit chaotic. It wasn't a great time for getting a job but I enrolled at an agency and got some temp work and was offered a job at the first place I went to. It wasn't at the level I had been at but within 12 months I had been promoted and 18 months after that my boss left suddenly due to ill health and I was suddenly in a very good job. It can be a good way to get back into work and to make contacts.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 06/02/2022 17:58

Just popping on to say YANBU. Stick to your guns and point out that he decided to put money that he won't be able to spend for decades ahead of the well-being of his wife and children this week.

He knew you were sick and exhausted before taking on this work and it didn't occur to him to postpone it, that's how utterly clueless he has become.

2022IamHavingYa · 06/02/2022 17:58

Threads like this make me so happy I’m single. Let us know how you get on with your chat OP. Do not back down. You get you fence and anything else you need

Forgothowmuchlhatehomeschoolin · 06/02/2022 17:58

Yanbu op.
I have clocked off a few times this week cos l am sick to fucking death of doing everything house related.
I work too but because l am part time it doesn't seem to register. Think the penny is slowly dropping so l will be maintaining this until l am appreciated more.

Forgothowmuchlhatehomeschoolin · 06/02/2022 17:59

Oh and l am not even ill!

GucciBear · 06/02/2022 18:02

If he has that attitude, please make sure how well YOU and the children will benefit from HIS pension! Also, if he were to die young does everything pass to you. Apologies for being so morbid but I had a huge shock when my husband died and he didn't do what he promised when we made our wills.

Giraffesandbottoms · 06/02/2022 18:05

I'd book a nanny for Mon-Wed. Put it on a shared credit card

In theory this is fine. In reality it’s pretty impossible to book a nanny for 3 days that you would trust to look after your child when they are a stranger. In reality your child would just spend the time wanting you instead of the stranger they don’t know. In reality when you’re sick you also don’t want a stranger in the house!

YANBU OP your husband is being outrageous.

SemperIdem · 06/02/2022 18:06

Yanbu - he would not be able to have the career he has if you weren’t a SAHM. You are unwell and the work he wants to do is not related to the family unit. He needs to support you by caring for his children.

Summerfun54321 · 06/02/2022 18:08

There’s so much to unpack from your post. He prioritises himself financially, demands (rather than asks) you facilitate he works more than full time, he neglects to look after you and and the kids or the house…. What’s the point of him apart from earning money? You may as well be divorced and he pay maintenance.

Jvg33 · 06/02/2022 18:09

I've noticed a few threads like this in the past. I also have experience in my own life. I think sometimes we think too much about our partners needs and making sure they are okay above ourselves. I think we should start taking a leaf out of their books. For example, there was a thread this week about a partner who announced they were going on a bike ride and just left the house without saying goodbye and a return time. Maybe some of us should pull a 'oh I thought you were sorting dinner. I haven't been to the shop.' and some other similar ideas.

Jvg33 · 06/02/2022 18:10

'i haven't done your clothes washing this week. I didn't know you wanted it done. You didn't say.' etc

millytint44 · 06/02/2022 18:11

How much would it cost to put your children in full time child care? He should at least give you that as your share of the family finances.

CatJumperTwat · 06/02/2022 18:15

You can talk to him all you like and maybe he'll do a few easy things to shut you up, but the fact is he doesn't respect you or care about making you happy. Once that rot sets in, the marriage is done.

I'd be concentrating very hard on my career so I could leave him ASAP.

ChickenStripper · 06/02/2022 18:16

If the money is going into his pension and you are married it is half yours approx anyway.

ChocAH0l1kk2 · 06/02/2022 18:19

He should have volunteered look after the children, when he saw you were sick

You shouldn't need to ask or argue

Original poster
EezyOozy · 06/02/2022 18:21

To answer a PP; we have wills and everything is left to me when he dies (just as I leave everything to him). I've ascertained that I am the beneficiary of this SIPP when he dies too.

OP posts:
Original poster
EezyOozy · 06/02/2022 18:24

Oh I've booked the fence for mid March. I have just told him it's getting done. I am the one that has to watch the kids in the garden 90% of the time.

Still more to discuss but it's a start i suppose

OP posts:
Gitfeatures · 06/02/2022 18:26

I can't be the only one reading this thinking 'you might have to kill him.'

MrsBerthaRochester · 06/02/2022 18:26

Yanbu. I remember a time when xdh and I both had the flu. I was a sahm. He did go to work but would come home at 2 and get in bed and stay there meaning I had no choice but to do everything for our 3 dcs.
One night I didnt make dinner as to ill, just gave kids toast and beans. He was raging. The following night I made a frozen pizza and left it in the oven. When he finally came downstairs he came right up and hissed in my face that I "better" have made his dinner. I posted about it on here at the time. How I wish I had told him to fuck off then.
My xdh was financially abusive and yours is to. He wont change. Get yourself a very good solicitor and get out.

mummykel16 · 06/02/2022 18:30

@Theunamedcat

Anyone else in a cold house wondering how you make £7000 in a weekend?
And how you spend £70,000
Luredbyapomegranate · 06/02/2022 18:35

Once you’ve socked him in the eye I think what the pair of you should do is go see a financial advisor. Work out all your various goals (paying off mortgage, uni fees, pension income, age of retirement, car etc) and then you’ll know how much you should be putting away. Whatever you decide it needs to be a joint decision. He cannot just stick extra money into a pension without discussion, and it may be better in your name.

As you are about to go back to work, it’s a great time to review everything and work out how you will divvy up child care and housework once you get back.

He seems to have made you the little woman in his mind, time to correct that.

Luredbyapomegranate · 06/02/2022 18:37

@CatJumperTwat

You can talk to him all you like and maybe he'll do a few easy things to shut you up, but the fact is he doesn't respect you or care about making you happy. Once that rot sets in, the marriage is done.

I'd be concentrating very hard on my career so I could leave him ASAP.

I know you mean this helpfully but this is peak mumsnet ✨