I've got a terrible cold and I refused to look after the kids

[EezyOozy]

I am a SAHM. At least I am Until Aug this year when my 2yo takes her place in the preschool nursery. Husband earns £70k pa from main job and £10-15k from additional self employed work he chooses to take on. He puts this extra income in his self investment pension. He also has an employment pension. ( I have set up a modest LISA that I pay into from family pot to cover gap in pension from being a SAHM for 3y. I also keep my state pension contributions up. )

Anyway, I've had a dreadful cold all week and so have my 2 and 4 year old. It's been a real struggle. I am shattered. This morning he announced he needed to work all day on self employed stuff and that for doing just a small amount of work he will get £7k so he couldn't turn it down.

I asked what he will do with the money (there are loads of things that need fixing in our house, it's a doer upper, as well as the needing a new garden fence to make the garden sage for the kids).

He said he was going to put it all in his self investment pension. He told me this while I was trying to put a grocery delivery away, snot dripping down my face and I had just told him how shattered I was (and that my cold had made me go deaf in one ear). The children were already being challenging.

I said "if I have to look after the kids alone at the weekend when I am unwell, after the week I've had, then the money should at least go into the family pot or be spent on the fence or the house .... otherwise why should i agree to struggle on alone. What's in it for me?!!".

He thought this was outrageous and starting having a rant about how he earns all the money, so I told him to look after the kids and went for a lie down. I didn't want to argue in front of the kids but I sent him a lengthy message saying he needs to appreciate me more and the value of looking after the kids when they are ill and off school, throughout the pandemic when all the childcare closed and I couldn't go out with them and nearly went mad, and during relocating for his new job. I'm still livid. He hasn't apologised yet as he genuinely thinks it's outrageous that I've refused to look after the kids alone all day today.

AIBU??

Where is your pension OP

Presuming they are married for life, she will benefit from his pension.

Not that it makes this situation reasonable but it is worth thinking about.

@IlonaRN

Remember also that there is an upper limit to how much can be invested into a person's pensions in any tax year. If he is investing £7k from one weekend's work, then he will probably hit that! I recommend you get proper financial advice.

He is nowhere the pension limits though. He can still pay in 100% of his income although he would lose tax relief on the amount over £40k were he to be putting that amount in which on only £70k I doubt he is even with additional income.

As you are married if you were to split then the pension would be part of the shared asset so actually you would be benefiting from him adding to his pension as it gets better tax relief than you can. If he were to die nowadays most pension pass in full to the beneficiary.

The reality is that he has decided to take on extra work to ensure he has aadequate pension provision for you as a family .

That is all by the by. The question is his practical assistance in helping with the kids etc both now and when you are working and that is more about what needs addressing.

Glad your have it sorted financially. I didn't want to put nasty thoughts in your mind but wanted to make sure you were safe. We did our wills at the same time but he still pulled a fast one. Good Luck.

@hassletassle

Thanks *@MintJulia* . The thing is if he puts it into a self-employed pension then it is ring fenced in a way, can't be spent on the house and it can't be touched by me. I don't mind him putting some money in there but not huge chunks, not when I have to look after the kids when I'm basically crawling around ill, after having them all week

He's possibly doing this to reduce his tax burden and obvs save for retirement.

I assume your relationship is otherwise fine? If so I get what he's saying about the earnings, but if you're ill you can't look after the kids and recover. Def get help in when you can plan for it. x

I always see people say "You looking after the kids means he can have his career" but unfortunately, for a lot of these men, if you said to them you can be a high earner or a a dad, well...

We’ve always split our cash. However, I do a lot more consultancy than my wife. It does occasionally gall me to be both nagged about not doing family things but also to be expected to work all hours to keep the finances above water.

masterblaster how much more consultency are we talking about if you and your wife both work?

I would be encouraging him to put money in his pension - 70K is not very much.

@ToykotoLosAngeles

I don’t understand your point. Most men I know would prefer to be high earners than dads! It’s a lifestyle thing

[quote Giraffesandbottoms]@ToykotoLosAngeles

I don’t understand your point. Most men I know would prefer to be high earners than dads! It’s a lifestyle thing[/quote]
That is my point..?

As in, they would rather not have the children than have to share 50% of the illness cover, mental load, and broken nights. I know at least 2 men who basically say their job is at the top of the pyramid and "she was the one who wanted kids, they're her problem".

Absolutely not unreasonable. When you’re feeling up to it I think I would demand that he transfer you a substantial sum so that you can get the house sorted and do other essentials, plus start paying for some ad hoc childcare so that you can start preparing to go back to work and invest in your own pension. You need his commitment to make your house safe and pleasant and get you onto an equal footing financially and then you need to follow this up. Unless he agrees then tell him that a full 50% of the childcare will be his sole responsibility and that he can if necessary take leave or pay a nanny which he will have to find. On the days when he looks after the kids you’ll be re-establishing your career and taking self employed work. And when you do get back to work make sure that everything is absolutely fair down to the last penny (don’t fall into the trap of you paying for all the kids’ stuff whilst he builds his pension pot). He will respect you much more.

I’m not sure really tbh. £7k is my entire year’s earnings and I don’t have a husband to pay the bills for me, let alone take the kids when I feel ill. But if I could swap, I’d definitely take the £7k over a day in bed. That amount of money is literally life changing to some people.

@BarleyG I can see what you’re saying, but that’s not the position here. From what I understand the OP’s family don’t immediately need the money, he’s just putting it into a pension pot from which the OP is essentially barred.

I've read so many horror stories from women who were in similar circumstances and divorce inevitably happened.

Yabu to be a sahm when you have a husband who only values paid work! Cos I'm thinking he was always like this?

He needs reminding that care of dc is 50% his responsibility either in time or money.

Bet he'd value/appreciate it more if he had to pay for it!

You have just encapsulated in one post why barring addictions, separate finances when you have children make absolutely no sense

Totally agree

I'm also concerned that you seem to think you will quickly and easily get a job when your youngest starts nursery - how long have you been a sahm?

I fear even if you do easily find a job he'll STILL be expecting you to do all the chores and outside of work hours childcare! Does he even spend ANY time with his dc?

I used to get CHB but husband now earns to much

@AnotherEmma can confirm but I think even those who aren't eligible for cb can claim and then repay it under taxation but it ensures the stamp is covered ?

And frankly if he's earning enough you're over that threshold you shouldn't be having to go to him "cap in hand" to get him to pay for essential home maintenance!

Unpaid work is still work

Yep!

If you want it to change, you need to start now.

Agreed

You poor woman.

He sounds SO AWFUL.

He clearly doesn't give a damn about you and your welfare.

It also sounds as if you are vulnerable to financial abuse.

He is looking after number one whilst not giving a damn about you.

If you were my daughter I would be gather copies of any and all financial information like pensions, bank accounts.

Take photographs of them.

A man that selfish with so little concern about you is not to be relied upon.

Let this be a real wake up call for you.

This is not a good man.

Protect yourself, because he won't.

Get child care that isn’t you
Rent a nanny by the month or however it’s done
Get a cleaner that isn’t you - when the bills start coming in for those he will appreciate you more
He is earning a mind boggling amount of money
I had a cleaner when I was on Mat leave because I was knackered and did not want to be viewed as the fucking house servant and I earnt waaaaaay less than your Hubbie

Is all this extra work he's doing and banking in his pension, just another way of avoiding sharing the parenting load?

If it is, you need to correct that.

Before you return to work, which I think you should do asap, even if it means he pays for childcare, he needs to start doing his share and get used to it.

Stop being a foirmat to this awful man.

You deserve better.
I hope you feel better soon.

Weird question August is ages away. Loads of time to find a job.

When did you last job hunt? When you did were you doing so with a big gap in your cv and the fact that you're a mother going against you? Because unjust as that is it's the reality! There aren't that many jobs about now

August is only 6 months away, at the very least you need to be checking what vacancies there are (or aren't!) In your area, how many are applying for them (the online sites often show how many applicants per vacancy on their site) checking transport provision/travel times/parking in line with childcare pick up and drop off, considering how to answer the awkward (and illegal - but still get asked) questions about what will you do in the school holidays/when kids are sick etc. checking if you need additional/updated qualifications

If you think it'll be a case of simply applying and getting a job within a few weeks I think you'll find you're very mistaken!

I assume you are actually married - may sound daft but other posters have referred to ‘husband’ when actually meaning long term partner.

Yes I was wondering this too

We are married !

Good to know

which mean I can probably get a job quite easily

Yea I'm getting the feeling you're quite out of touch with the current employment market

My career won't be screwed into the ground though, I'm quite certain of that.

Based on what?

it will only be 2.5 years,

That's not an insignificant period of time. With the pandemic and brexit occurring in that time a LOT has changed

but I should be able to get a better job than the one I left, in theory anyway

Again I'm not sure that will be the reality

If they split I suspect getting cm would be like getting blood out a stone and contact if any would be minimal and irregular - contact cannot be enforced. This is a man not used to making time for dc while he lives with them he ain't gonna do it if he doesn't!

Sounds like I'm royally fucked no matter what I do now then @Graphista , cheers!

August is only 6 months away, at the very least you need to be checking what vacancies there are (or aren't!) In your area, how many are applying for them (the online sites often show how many applicants per vacancy on their site) checking transport provision/travel times/parking in line with childcare pick up and drop off, considering how to answer the awkward (and illegal - but still get asked) questions about what will you do in the school holidays/when kids are sick etc. checking if you need additional/updated qualifications

I am doing all of these things.

@Aaaabbbcccc

I would be encouraging him to put money in his pension - 70K is not very much.

Helpful. It’s more than 95% of people earn.

@GucciBear

Glad your have it sorted financially. I didn't want to put nasty thoughts in your mind but wanted to make sure you were safe. We did our wills at the same time but he still pulled a fast one. Good Luck.

How did he pull a fast one Gucci? Did he make a new will later that you didn't know of, cutting you out?

This is an argument in favour of not being a SAHP. Your efforts are just not valued as they should be.