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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I've got a terrible cold and I refused to look after the kids

151 replies

EezyOozy · 06/02/2022 15:04

I am a SAHM. At least I am Until Aug this year when my 2yo takes her place in the preschool nursery. Husband earns £70k pa from main job and £10-15k from additional self employed work he chooses to take on. He puts this extra income in his self investment pension. He also has an employment pension. ( I have set up a modest LISA that I pay into from family pot to cover gap in pension from being a SAHM for 3y. I also keep my state pension contributions up. )

Anyway, I've had a dreadful cold all week and so have my 2 and 4 year old. It's been a real struggle. I am shattered. This morning he announced he needed to work all day on self employed stuff and that for doing just a small amount of work he will get £7k so he couldn't turn it down.

I asked what he will do with the money (there are loads of things that need fixing in our house, it's a doer upper, as well as the needing a new garden fence to make the garden sage for the kids).

He said he was going to put it all in his self investment pension. He told me this while I was trying to put a grocery delivery away, snot dripping down my face and I had just told him how shattered I was (and that my cold had made me go deaf in one ear). The children were already being challenging.

I said "if I have to look after the kids alone at the weekend when I am unwell, after the week I've had, then the money should at least go into the family pot or be spent on the fence or the house .... otherwise why should i agree to struggle on alone. What's in it for me?!!".

He thought this was outrageous and starting having a rant about how he earns all the money, so I told him to look after the kids and went for a lie down. I didn't want to argue in front of the kids but I sent him a lengthy message saying he needs to appreciate me more and the value of looking after the kids when they are ill and off school, throughout the pandemic when all the childcare closed and I couldn't go out with them and nearly went mad, and during relocating for his new job. I'm still livid. He hasn't apologised yet as he genuinely thinks it's outrageous that I've refused to look after the kids alone all day today.

AIBU??

OP posts:
Aaaabbbcccc · 06/02/2022 16:42

Have you actually discussed the things you think need doing on the house and when you will get them done? If not, I think YABU to take randomly go crazy at him because you are feeling a bit unwell and feel put upon. Is it the fact he is not helping with the kids, or where he is putting the money? It sounds like you have a marriage with serious communication problems which should be your primary focus. As well as getting a job.

ancientgran · 06/02/2022 16:44

Slightly off topic but you don't need to pay for state pension contributions while you aren't working if you have young children.

HMG107 · 06/02/2022 16:44

@hassletassle I'm unsure of your general tax status but I'd be careful about insisting part of the extra income goes into your pension pot if your not a higher rate tax payer too.

As a higher rate tax payer my husband's entitled to claim 40% tax relief on his SIPP contributions, whereas I'm only entitled to 20%. My husband isn't interested in all of this stuff but I feel secure in the long term future of our marriage, plus I'm conscious I'm entitled to part of the pension pot if we do divorce, so I'm now looking at setting up an SIPP in his name and reducing the contributions to mine as we'd be 20% better off.

www.hl.co.uk/pensions/tax-relief

He's happy for me to take over this stuff but if your not happy with your husband controlling the financial decisions I agree this needs to be addressed.

Original poster
EezyOozy · 06/02/2022 16:45

Have you actually discussed the things you think need doing on the house and when you will get them done?

Yes

If not, I think YABU to take randomly go crazy at him because you are feeling a bit unwell and feel put upon.

I did go crazy at him, I told him I was going for a lie down.

Is it the fact he is not helping with the kids, or where he is putting the money? It sounds like you have a marriage with serious communication problems which should be your primary focus. As well as getting a job.

It is the fact that he is expecting me to look after the kids at the weekend, alone, when I am on well, so that he can put money into his self investment pension.

I have repeatedly said I am looking forward to going back to work in August when my youngest will get her nursery place.

OP posts:
Original poster
EezyOozy · 06/02/2022 16:46

*unwell

OP posts:
mummykel16 · 06/02/2022 16:46

@hassletassle

Btw our mortgage is small, I run a fairly frugal house!
So what happens to the£70k?
Imyourvenus · 06/02/2022 16:47

You are 1000% right

Original poster
EezyOozy · 06/02/2022 16:47

@HMG107 Thank you, I honestly haven't thought about that that's really helpful

OP posts:
IlonaRN · 06/02/2022 16:52

Remember also that there is an upper limit to how much can be invested into a person's pensions in any tax year. If he is investing £7k from one weekend's work, then he will probably hit that!
I recommend you get proper financial advice.

Gardenfish · 06/02/2022 16:56

Good for you!!

Skilovingmama · 06/02/2022 17:05

@AtrociousCircumstance

Remind him that if you divorce you will get half of that fat pension and all the rest of it and he will lose his fucking maid/nanny/housekeeper Angry
Giving up work to be a SAHM is a bad idea whether married or not, although a much worse idea if unmarried. Having a lengthy time out of work means your career and pension will probably never recover. Courts rarely order maintenance these days and it’s a huge myth that you’re protected if you’re married. You’re not, barring cases where the assets are several million. But this wanker is advancing his career while yours gets screwed into the ground. At the absolute minimum, equal amounts of money should be paid into your pensions so that when your marriage in all likelihood breaks down (because he’s an unappreciative wanker), you won’t have a penniless retirement to look forward to.
Original poster
EezyOozy · 06/02/2022 17:08

Thanks for the input @Skilovingmama , My career won't be screwed into the ground though, I'm quite certain of that.

OP posts:
Fredstheteds · 06/02/2022 17:09

SAHM here too- he needs to invest in the house for his kids and his marriage . A fenced area is so useful . Kids are hard work and I know I rarely stop. Maybe your husband needs to appreciate your contribution

BitcherOfBlakiven · 06/02/2022 17:12

Your DH is a twat.

I’ve crawled around for 3 days with 3DC due to the worst ear infection I’ve ever had - I can’t hear out of that side at all, the pain is unbelievable and I can’t stand up because I go dizzy.

But I’m a single parent.

This is one of the reasons we split up… WifeRobot must never, ever request that Man of the House look after his own damn DC.

ToykotoLosAngeles · 06/02/2022 17:14

Sorry, just re-read the 'get on with being a working family woman' part and understand now, if both people are working similar hours then agree school runs should be 50/50 unless it's impractical to do so.

No. Absolutely not. I work 3 days a week, DH does 5. If DS is ill for a week, should I be taking all 3 days off just because I work fewer hours?

Original poster
EezyOozy · 06/02/2022 17:19

@BitcherOfBlakiven that sounds terrible, I hope you feel better soon !

OP posts:
VimFuego101 · 06/02/2022 17:21

Every single time he takes on additional self employment work, he makes you work unpaid for him so that he can add many thousands to his private pension.

This is absolutely spot on. Remember this every time you cover all the childcare.

ambushedbywine · 06/02/2022 17:24

Depending on where you live a full time nanny and a cleaner could easily cost £45k.

He needs to view your contribution as valuable. It’s incredibly selfish of him to ringfence money earned on the back of your hard labour (because let’s face it, looking after young kids whilst unwell is flipping hard Labour!)

Skilovingmama · 06/02/2022 17:26

@hassletassle

Thanks for the input *@Skilovingmama* , My career won't be screwed into the ground though, I'm quite certain of that.
Good. I’m pleased to hear it won’t. My friend has been a SAHM for 7 years now while her DH’s earnings have gone up by 70k in that time and he never has to worry about needing a day off work for sick kids etc. I wonder if she’d be able to restart her career that she left while still quite junior. They don’t have a joint account, she has to ask him for money. She has no pension. These days, the most valuable asset a person will have is their earning capacity. So many women have theirs ruined while men’s increase due to having a wife at home who does literally everything for them. It’s so unfair.
lurkingattheback · 06/02/2022 17:30

Remind him he couldn't do his work without your help. You're a team. I'm a SAHM and my husband is well aware of this. If you split and he had 50/50 custody he would have to find and pay for child care. Financially he's better of 'paying' you and the money in the joint account will still be for his benefit.

mummykel16 · 06/02/2022 17:31

I'd be using the family pot to level up as much as possible

Original poster
EezyOozy · 06/02/2022 17:32

@Skilovingmama that's dreadful. I've worked out that, from the end of my last maternity leave to the point I had to go back to work it will only be 2.5 years, that's long enough for me, hopefully not too long to get a job quickly. I've also been doing some studying and getting some additional qualifications while I've been a stay at home mum, which has been very difficult to fit in, mostly doing it at night when I'm shattered, but I should be able to get a better job than the one I left, in theory anyway

OP posts:
Orchid876 · 06/02/2022 17:35

How are you keeping your state pension contributions up? If you're paying voluntary contributions, and you have a three year old, you don't need to. Anyone who is a carer for a child automatically gets their contributions, but you need to register for that via the Child Benefit system. It sounds like you're not eligible to receive child benefit though, so just register for child benefit but elect to not have it paid. But YANBU, and you do need a fairer financial arrangement.

WarriorN · 06/02/2022 17:35

@MintJulia

I'd book a nanny for Mon-Wed. Put it on a shared credit card.

Domestic engineers are entitled to sick leave just the same as every other human being. Your husband is being a tit. You're married, all funds are shared funds anyway.

This, he's v entitled.

If you left hed either have to do everything himself or hire help.

Women's labour isn't recognised and you don't get sick days.

Kennykenkencat · 06/02/2022 17:38

He thought this was outrageous and starting having a rant about how he earns all the money

But who makes it possible for him to earn all the money.

How much work did he do having to look after 2 children.

I am sure all pension money and savings and investments have to be declared and valued as become part of the marital pot when you divorce.
I know friends Dh had to declare all of the business and side things he did to be valued and then divided by 2

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