I've got a terrible cold and I refused to look after the kids

[EezyOozy]

I am a SAHM. At least I am Until Aug this year when my 2yo takes her place in the preschool nursery. Husband earns £70k pa from main job and £10-15k from additional self employed work he chooses to take on. He puts this extra income in his self investment pension. He also has an employment pension. ( I have set up a modest LISA that I pay into from family pot to cover gap in pension from being a SAHM for 3y. I also keep my state pension contributions up. )

Anyway, I've had a dreadful cold all week and so have my 2 and 4 year old. It's been a real struggle. I am shattered. This morning he announced he needed to work all day on self employed stuff and that for doing just a small amount of work he will get £7k so he couldn't turn it down.

I asked what he will do with the money (there are loads of things that need fixing in our house, it's a doer upper, as well as the needing a new garden fence to make the garden sage for the kids).

He said he was going to put it all in his self investment pension. He told me this while I was trying to put a grocery delivery away, snot dripping down my face and I had just told him how shattered I was (and that my cold had made me go deaf in one ear). The children were already being challenging.

I said "if I have to look after the kids alone at the weekend when I am unwell, after the week I've had, then the money should at least go into the family pot or be spent on the fence or the house .... otherwise why should i agree to struggle on alone. What's in it for me?!!".

He thought this was outrageous and starting having a rant about how he earns all the money, so I told him to look after the kids and went for a lie down. I didn't want to argue in front of the kids but I sent him a lengthy message saying he needs to appreciate me more and the value of looking after the kids when they are ill and off school, throughout the pandemic when all the childcare closed and I couldn't go out with them and nearly went mad, and during relocating for his new job. I'm still livid. He hasn't apologised yet as he genuinely thinks it's outrageous that I've refused to look after the kids alone all day today.

AIBU??

"I also keep my state pension contributions up."

What do you mean, are you paying voluntary NI contributions?

This is not necessary - you can get NI credits as the parent of a child under 12, even if you don't get Child Benefit (which I assume you're not claiming since your husband is a high earner).

Info:

If you choose to not get Child Benefit
You can still fill in the Child Benefit claim form. You need to state on the form that you do not want to get payments.

You need to fill in the claim form if you want to:

get National Insurance credits, which count towards your State Pension
ensure your child gets their National Insurance number automatically before they’re 16 - otherwise they need to apply for one themselves

From www.gov.uk/child-benefit-tax-charge

Where is your pension OP?

You are enabling him to earn all this money by looking after your joint children. That £7k and all the other thousands of pounds that have gone into his SIPP - why didn't half of it go into yours?

Some conversations need to be had about family money I think.

@AnotherEmma yes I do that. I used to get CHB but husband now earns to much so I just claim the NI credits x thanks

👍

Remind him that if you divorce you will get half of that fat pension and all the rest of it and he will lose his fucking maid/nanny/housekeeper

@CrappyXmasMarket yeah I think I'm going to set up the same SIPP he has . I also have full state pension contributions to date, some employment pension from before I had my second child, a LISA, and will go back to work in Aug (although my ongoing employment pension will be quite modest as I won't earn as much as him)

YANBU.

If you're feeling guilty about kiddywinks, just look through all the photos and videos you will have of them having a great time with you to remind yourself what a good mum you are. One afternoon recouperating doesn't negate that!

Is his pension one that continues to pay out in full or in part to you after his death?

You could turn that shit back on him anyway with much more relevance: “why don’t you want to look after your own kids?” He sounds bloody awful.

@TatianaBis I will ask tonight thanks

You are his housekeeper, not his equal. He is treating you like staff.

They're not two separate things though are they?

If OP wasn't there to look after the children (which she isn't this weekend) then he either pays for a weekend nanny or he doesn't do the job.

He is using you as unpaid childcare to earn money which he then ringfences completely for himself. So, @hassletassle isn't only propping up his earning power, she's actively losing time she could be earning money (or just recovering, or having leisure time - or anything). She's paying twice over and he's earning twice over.

What an absolute shitbag he is.

I think you should apply for some jobs, preferably shift work that includes weekends and ask him how now he's not the only earner how this works out? Is he really telling you that he cares so little about your family and so much about his own ability to feather his own solo nest that he'd make sure childcare was paid from your pot, and house repairs and all the rest also? (Not saying actually take the job btw)

I think the most upsetting part of this for me is that he really doesn't see it that you're the one making all the sacrifices so he and he alone has more money. Such a selfish attitude.

You are his housekeeper, not his equal. He is treating you like staff

Except at least staff a) get paid and b) get time off.

I can guarantee his bubble isn’t going to burst in august and you will keep having almost all the responsibility for children and the household….

Well what would you suggest ? @FFSFFSFFS

I would ask him, does he value your contribution to the household, by way of doing the amount of childcare you do? If no, tell him you are prepared to stop doing it, & you will be going back to work full time ASAP and/or retraining so that your earnings can begin to approach the level of his. If he does value your contribution, he needs to start demonstrating this - by deeds not just words. By whatever you think is reasonable - including listening to you on the matter of household expenses, recognising that you are not a machine & do get ill & require days off from looking after the kids, and potentially contributing to your pension.

At the moment it sounds like he wants all the benefits of an equal marriage but none of the responsibilities.

I'd also point out that he's choosing to do this additional work & spend time away from his family. It's not compulsory & his main job isn't in jeopardy if he doesn't complete it. It's not even as if the money is needed for household expenses, a debt; the only one who benefits from this is him. Except he won't if this turns out to be the last straw for your marriage.

I would get a job ASAP and pay the nursery bill between you both.

So he considers your purpose in life to be working unpaid round the clock to facilitate him squirrelling away tens of thousands of pounds of family money for himself?

Greedy misogynist prick.

The deal with a single earner household is that the income is shared - your pension should have as much invested in it as his. It doesn't mean one person lives on a shoestring while the other builds up a personal fortune.

How many hours do you work each week? Unpaid work is still work. And how many hours does he work?

@RussianSpy101 There is no place for her until August

I would get back to work absolutely asap to put myself in a position of more influence.

He can then pick up more of the burden, too. No excuses.

Remember that if you divorce a proportion of pension goes to you too! It's not sunk in that case.

Having said that he HAS to realise that the only reason he is able to earn what it does is because you're on hand to pick up all the childcare and flex around him.

@hassletassle

Well what would you suggest ? *@FFSFFSFFS*

You change it now.

I do agree with that poster. There is an endless succession of women on here who assumed that their lazy partner would suddenly step up from doing 0% of the unpaid family work because she had returned to employment. They never ever do so the woman ends up doing 100% of the family work plus her paid work while the man continues his king of the castle routine.

If you want it to change, you need to start now. He clearly doesn't consider any of it to be his responsibility so why would he in August?

Well its clear from your OP he is looking after his own future, has his own pension from work another he pays into from his second job. You are a SAHM and have a small pot in comparison and he doesnt value your contribution to family life and he ensures large sums of extra go into his pension pot. He seems to believe him beinf the breadwinner means you add no value and his money is his...not what i would have bought into as a SAHM...

@headintheproverbial

Remember that if you divorce a proportion of pension goes to you too! It's not sunk in that case.

Having said that he HAS to realise that the only reason he is able to earn what it does is because you're on hand to pick up all the childcare and flex around him.

He doesn't value it though, does he? Because it's just women's work to him.

It's not that he doesn't realise, it's that he places no value on it whatsoever. Whereas what he's doing lines his pockets (and boosts his ego) so he considers it valuable.

I would suggest that you start taking ownership of resolving the situation - your husband is a dickhead and the system makes it harder for women - but that doesn’t mean you have no agency or responsibility….