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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I've got a terrible cold and I refused to look after the kids

151 replies

EezyOozy · 06/02/2022 15:04

I am a SAHM. At least I am Until Aug this year when my 2yo takes her place in the preschool nursery. Husband earns £70k pa from main job and £10-15k from additional self employed work he chooses to take on. He puts this extra income in his self investment pension. He also has an employment pension. ( I have set up a modest LISA that I pay into from family pot to cover gap in pension from being a SAHM for 3y. I also keep my state pension contributions up. )

Anyway, I've had a dreadful cold all week and so have my 2 and 4 year old. It's been a real struggle. I am shattered. This morning he announced he needed to work all day on self employed stuff and that for doing just a small amount of work he will get £7k so he couldn't turn it down.

I asked what he will do with the money (there are loads of things that need fixing in our house, it's a doer upper, as well as the needing a new garden fence to make the garden sage for the kids).

He said he was going to put it all in his self investment pension. He told me this while I was trying to put a grocery delivery away, snot dripping down my face and I had just told him how shattered I was (and that my cold had made me go deaf in one ear). The children were already being challenging.

I said "if I have to look after the kids alone at the weekend when I am unwell, after the week I've had, then the money should at least go into the family pot or be spent on the fence or the house .... otherwise why should i agree to struggle on alone. What's in it for me?!!".

He thought this was outrageous and starting having a rant about how he earns all the money, so I told him to look after the kids and went for a lie down. I didn't want to argue in front of the kids but I sent him a lengthy message saying he needs to appreciate me more and the value of looking after the kids when they are ill and off school, throughout the pandemic when all the childcare closed and I couldn't go out with them and nearly went mad, and during relocating for his new job. I'm still livid. He hasn't apologised yet as he genuinely thinks it's outrageous that I've refused to look after the kids alone all day today.

AIBU??

OP posts:
Artichokeleaves · 06/02/2022 15:59

Not only do you work 24 hour shifts, without pay, without benefits, you also don't even get to call in sick!

If he regards you as providing childcare for him to work, then he needs to realise that you get workers' rights. Including pay, and when you call in sick it's his problem to find cover, not yours. If you're not a worker but his partner then these are his kids too, and a partner usually gives a damn about the other one feeling terrible and needing help. So which is it?

Original poster
EezyOozy · 06/02/2022 16:00

@FFSFFSFFS Right, I thought you were going to offer a specific suggestions. You have just told me that I need to improve the situation, which I already know. Thanks!

OP posts:
formalineadeline · 06/02/2022 16:03

Being the "breadwinner" means you are the person designated to earn the money for your family. It's not his money, it's for his whole family.

Same as in a hunter-gatherer society, the family's hunter doesn't return with a deer and then say "nah, you can't eat this, it's mine, you can starve". Because that would be stupid. Hmm

Even if he's trying to form his argument on "it's traditional", he's being idiotic, basically.

formalineadeline · 06/02/2022 16:05

You have a nursery place for August, do you have a job lined up?

What about childminders or a nanny? It's not like the family's short of money to pay for it.

ittakes2 · 06/02/2022 16:07

I am very confused - you said he has a chance to make a quick £7k which he always puts into this self employed pension and then you are upset that he is continuing the trend? I get you are upset about him not helping you - if you are upset about him paying into a self employed pension instead of the family pot than that's a thing going forward permanently not just a one off fence job so best have a sit down when you are feeling better and discuss.

formalineadeline · 06/02/2022 16:07

£7k would pay for a nanny full time for 2-3 months, no?

KickAssAngel · 06/02/2022 16:07

Spend some time thinking about what you see as a fair contribution to the household, and fair division of assets. Draw up some numbers and then sit down with him. Perhaps tonight just tell him that it's time to re evaluate the family resources so can he start thinking about this, too, as his children get older.

Your main resources are time and money. Your main responsibilities are your children, yourselves and your home.

What can each of you provide? How is that then distributed to fulfill your responsibilities?

Don't just think about bare necessities. Consider a reasonable amount of leisure time, fun activities, enjoyment. They're not just mood lifters, but actually help you as individuals and a family to grow and feel valued. Each one of you requires a certain amount of nurturing, so that should be factored in.

Agree a budget that protects you all. Agree a spread of time that works for you all.

Perhaps he should think about what would happen if you become chronically ill, or if he died, or you divorce. Are his children protected in those situations? Your decisions should be based on protecting your children as the first priority. If he can't agree to that, them there's a whole bigger conversation to have.

KangSaeByeok · 06/02/2022 16:09

[quote hassletassle]@FFSFFSFFS Right, I thought you were going to offer a specific suggestions. You have just told me that I need to improve the situation, which I already know. Thanks![/quote]
Ok so what you need to do is either allocate days or allocate jobs.

Option 1 - days
Week 1. He does all child related tasks Mon-Weds. Drop off/ pick up. Lunches, school uniform prep (including washing), random admin (parties, world book Day etc). Collect child if ill etc. Week 2 he does Thurs-Fri. Repeat.

Option 2 - split tasks:
Drop off
Pick up
Class admin
School uniform
Lunches

Sure people can add more to the list. Does that help? It needs to be spelt out.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 06/02/2022 16:10

Every single time he takes on additional self employment work, he makes you work unpaid for him so that he can add many thousands to his private pension.

I absoloutley think this is unacceptable and any self employment income (for which it appears assumed that you will just plug the gap), should be directly funnelled into family life - whatever benefits you all, be it cleaner, holidays, childcare etc.

Original poster
EezyOozy · 06/02/2022 16:18

You have a nursery place for August, do you have a job lined up?

It's a preschool nursery, so it will be be covered by 30hrs funded childcare (we are in Scotland)

OP posts:
Original poster
EezyOozy · 06/02/2022 16:20

I am very confused - you said he has a chance to make a quick £7k which he always puts into this self employed pension and then you are upset that he is continuing the trend?

-it's not normally as much as this in one chunk
-it's normally a few hours in the evening when the kids are in bed
-it's not normally when I'm at deaths door and have been all week!

OP posts:
MikeWozniaksMohawk · 06/02/2022 16:21

@hassletassle

You have a nursery place for August, do you have a job lined up?

It's a preschool nursery, so it will be be covered by 30hrs funded childcare (we are in Scotland)

Is there a danger of his additional earnings taking you over the threshold for 30 free hours? (I’m not sure what the rules are in Scotland)
2022HereWeCome · 06/02/2022 16:21

OP wait until you are better to discuss all this. Things cannot go on the way they are and you both need to have clear defined responsibilities / expectations. Money and resources need to be treated as shared.

Original poster
EezyOozy · 06/02/2022 16:21

@KickAssAngel thank you that's a really helpful post

OP posts:
Marmm · 06/02/2022 16:22

@hassletassle

You have a nursery place for August, do you have a job lined up?

It's a preschool nursery, so it will be be covered by 30hrs funded childcare (we are in Scotland)

Weird question August is ages away. Loads of time to find a job.
Original poster
EezyOozy · 06/02/2022 16:22

@Is there a danger of his additional earnings taking you over the threshold for 30 free hours? (I’m not sure what the rules are in Scotland)

No, my 4yr old already gets them. It may be different in Scotland to England.

OP posts:
Original poster
EezyOozy · 06/02/2022 16:23

@KangSaeByeok thank you very much :)

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 06/02/2022 16:25

Its an unbalanced relationship where one person has control of the money and decides how it's spent. Not good. Thats the problem. How to solve it. Not sure. Kang is living in cloud cuckoo land if she thinks he will agree to that.

afizzysweet · 06/02/2022 16:25

Going to play devil's advocate but if he is investing in the same sort of things we invest in, then my understanding is that the market has dipped so now is a good time to invest (dh sorts it and i get monthly updates). Surely the pension will be both of yours given that you're married?

You have two separate issues here - him not picking up any parenting when you're ill, and money. Both should be discussed separately.

Newtoittoo · 06/02/2022 16:27

I assume you are actually married - may sound daft but other posters have referred to ‘husband’ when actually meaning long term partner.
It sounds like he sees himself as single and needs to invest in HIS future- this is where the actual being married part and what is legally ‘yours’ is more pertinent..
Has he always treated you like staff???
Although I am in NO way suggesting ‘ltb’, I do think you need to get back to in the work force and start building your own future security.
The longer you are treated like staff and having no right to family income, the more dependent you will become and the more eroded your self esteem can become.
Get back to work.
Ensure he is responsible for 50% of school drop-offs and collections / holiday / sickness / inset time off school and get on with being a working family woman.
Your home set up will change a bit, but I’m sure for the better. He will see you in a different light too.
I don’t mean to sound too negative, but if he sees you as the home help rather than his lovely wife and life partner - as time goes on, there is a vacancy in his life for an ‘equal life partner’, or OW in other words….
Start living life on your terms…

Original poster
EezyOozy · 06/02/2022 16:27

We are married !

OP posts:
Original poster
EezyOozy · 06/02/2022 16:30

I do think you need to get back to in the work force and start building your own future security.
The longer you are treated like staff and having no right to family income, the more dependent you will become and the more eroded your self esteem can become.
Get back to work.
Ensure he is responsible for 50% of school drop-offs and collections / holiday / sickness / inset time off school and get on with being a working family woman.
Your home set up will change a bit, but I’m sure for the better. He will see you in a different light too.

Thank you. I am definitely going back to work, I have some qualifications which mean I can probably get a job quite easily and started playing in the summer with my youngest accessing her childcare from August.

OP posts:
afizzysweet · 06/02/2022 16:34

Ensure he is responsible for 50% of school drop-offs and collections / holiday / sickness / inset time off school and get on with being a working family woman.

I don't know if I am part of a minority but surely if one person is a stay at home parent and the other works to pay for the bills and things, then things like the school run should fall with the SAH parent...because you're not tied up with work and you're staying at home to parent the kids?

I work self employed 2.5 - 3 days a week and unless something crops up, I take responsibility for the school run, as DH works more than me (and my job is flexible around DC).

If OP/other people WANT to work obviously I understand that, and then things should be different.

afizzysweet · 06/02/2022 16:36

Sorry, just re-read the 'get on with being a working family woman' part and understand now, if both people are working similar hours then agree school runs should be 50/50 unless it's impractical to do so.

CallmeHendricks · 06/02/2022 16:41

Don't forget that currently you are entirely enabling him to work long hours and earn that money.
So, this additional pension that you "can't touch." How would that work out if you were to divorce? I presume it would be included in the marital "pot?"