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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my parents are being rude?

283 replies

englishsongbird · 06/02/2022 12:42

DP and I have been together nearly 4 years (late 20s) and bought a house last year.

His parents live 1 hour away from us, mine live 5 hours away. Mine are coming for 3 days in Feb half term (I'm a teacher). They've never met his. They're a bit reclusive at the best of times - live in a tiny hamlet in the middle of nowhere with 2 dogs who are basically their substitute children since I left home.

DP's parents have asked him when they are likely to meet mine and have hinted that he's deliberately keeping the families apart. I suggested to my parents that, when they come to stay, his should also come round to our house and we all go for a walk. My parents seemed very reluctant and when I asked why, my mum said it isn't normal or necessary for the two sets of parents to meet before their children are married and they don't see the point of meeting two people who they might not have anything in common with. I explained that I really want them to meet because it would be frankly weird for them to meet for the first time at our wedding and DP and I shouldn't be keeping our families separate. The response was that they will be too tired after their long journey and really just want to see me and DP.

DP is offended and angry at what he sees as rudeness towards his family and I happen to agree, but for all I know their perspective is normal and we're all being a bit sensitive. AIBU?

OP posts:
Bosephine · 06/02/2022 16:23

It’s great that there’s more understanding these days that some people are introverts but sometimes introversion is used as an excuse for rudeness. A short walk together isn’t a great imposition and to refuse is certainly rude. If Op’s parents genuinely don’t feel up to that, it’s really social phobia rather than introversion. If they are up to it but can’t be bothered, it’s lazy and rude.

Of course it’s up to them but I’m not surprised Op’s partner is upset, especially given the way they’ve talked about his parents as if they were a couple of random strangers- how insulting to him and to the relationship.

girlmom21 · 06/02/2022 16:27

Of course it’s up to them but I’m not surprised Op’s partner is upset, especially given the way they’ve talked about his parents as if they were a couple of random strangers- how insulting to him and to the relationship.

We don't know what his relationship with the OP's parents is like. Unless he makes regular effort with them he's got no right to insist they make extra effort for him.

Sportslady44 · 06/02/2022 16:28

Exactly you might as well just meet up might even enjoy yourselves.people are so bloody weird and rude.

StickyToffeePuddingAndIceCream · 06/02/2022 16:28

Why do you want them to meet? Are you trying to make them be friends? There's no need for them to meet really as they live so far apart it isn't like their paths are going to cross much. I think it'd only be rude if they refused at the time not if they said they aren't fussed before anything has been arranged. Maybe when you are engaged or expecting they might meet them, bf and gf relationships often aren't seen as serious to some people.

miraveile · 06/02/2022 16:30

If you're close with partners parents , just sit them down and explain it like you have here - that your parents are shy and introverted and it's nothing personal, and their son is not trying to keep you all apart. Case closed!

RavenclawDiadem · 06/02/2022 16:32

@TheYearOfSmallThings

I think it is very peculiar behaviour. Nobody is asking them to go clubbing or on holiday together, just to show their faces and say hello.

The responses on this thread surprise me, and I wonder if this is one of those English things that make no sense at all to Irish people.

It's not making a lot of sense to me as a Scottish person either, tbh.

This idea that spending an hour with someone and having a cup of coffee and a slice of cake is a major hardship. So weird.

Pipsquiggle · 06/02/2022 16:36

Rather than saying 'introverted' would 'socially awkward' be a better description?

My In laws are both of the above and tbh they are bloody hard work. I try to keep my family away from Dh's for this reason.

Bosephine · 06/02/2022 16:38

We don't know what his relationship with the OP's parents is like. Unless he makes regular effort with them he's got no right to insist they make extra effort for him.

It’s hardly a great effort to be civil.

I wonder whether the pandemic has affected people’s views on socialising- depressing if so. Meeting new people occasionally for a brief period really isn’t some sort of Herculean labour, even for an introvert. I’m sure it used to be the norm that even introverts were capable of basic politeness and manners.

Bosephine · 06/02/2022 16:39

The responses on this thread surprise me, and I wonder if this is one of those English things that make no sense at all to Irish people,

I’m English and it makes no sense to me either.

girlmom21 · 06/02/2022 16:40

@Bosephine

We don't know what his relationship with the OP's parents is like. Unless he makes regular effort with them he's got no right to insist they make extra effort for him.

It’s hardly a great effort to be civil.

I wonder whether the pandemic has affected people’s views on socialising- depressing if so. Meeting new people occasionally for a brief period really isn’t some sort of Herculean labour, even for an introvert. I’m sure it used to be the norm that even introverts were capable of basic politeness and manners.

No but it's shit if you're travelling 5 hours to see your only child to then have to make an effort with someone's parents when that person hardly gives you the time of day and knows so little about you that they get angry at your personality type and slag you off 🤷‍♀️
FoodieToo · 06/02/2022 16:41

@TheYearOfSmallThings

I think it is very peculiar behaviour. Nobody is asking them to go clubbing or on holiday together, just to show their faces and say hello.

The responses on this thread surprise me, and I wonder if this is one of those English things that make no sense at all to Irish people.

I'm from Dublin and this kind of forced meeting with people would be my idea of hell !!! Bit of a silly post above in my opinion.
BurntO · 06/02/2022 16:42

I think it’s rude. It is important to you so it should rank higher in their priorities IMO. My parents didn’t meet my in laws until my wedding day but I’m not a social person and neither set raised the question either so no big deal. But had it been important to us as a couple, I have no doubt both sets would have been up for it

Squirrelblanket · 06/02/2022 16:43

I don't think that they are being rude, many people are not particularly enthused about meeting new people who they may not have anything in common with or barely see again. Especially when they've travelled all that way to see you.

That being said, as it means a lot to you and your partner I do think they are being unreasonable in not agreeing to make an effort and meet the 'in laws', for your sake.

For what it's worth, my parents met my in laws at our wedding reception. They never met again. I don't think it's that unusual. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Thelnebriati · 06/02/2022 16:43

I'm unsocial but I can get over it for an hour to help my kids.

Snowduck · 06/02/2022 16:46

@diddl I didn’t mean that one sets of parents wants trump the others, I worded it badly.
I meant that in itself it wouldn’t be odd if neither set wanted to meet.
But I think if one set do and the couple do it would be courteous to take one for the team, especially in this case when it’s for a walk not the whole visit.

Pipsquiggle · 06/02/2022 16:49

Forgot to say our parents didn't meet until we were engaged which was after about 4 years.

I think your parents are being rude as you've bought a house and is more of a bigger deal than getting married. You should point this out to them.

StripeyDeckchair · 06/02/2022 16:50

It's normal. H1s parents virtually forced themselves on my family. It didn't go well. They had nothing in common (& exMIL was incredibly rude) and it was bad timing for my family.

stuntbubbles · 06/02/2022 16:51

I wonder whether the pandemic has affected people’s views on socialising- depressing if so. Meeting new people occasionally for a brief period really isn’t some sort of Herculean labour, even for an introvert
My parents aren’t introverts and would have been horrified at a forced meeting pre-pandemic. They’ve already got friends and lives, busy lives at that; they’d have zero interest in what’s essentially an arranged friendship – it’s chore. One of the great things about adulthood is the choice over who you spend time with (outside of work).

OP’s parents want to spend time with her, not two strangers.

Limita · 06/02/2022 16:52

I enjoy socialising, but I still couldn't be bothered to make small talk with people I don't know when it's entirely unnecessary. If they met at a party then yes, they should be able to exchange pleasantries, but why do they need to be forced together? They'll meet naturally through birthday parties, engagement party, the wedding, any future christenings, kids' birthdays etc. They don't need to be made to meet.

diddl · 06/02/2022 16:52

Maybe they will agree to it at some point?

I think what skews it for me is the partner's parents saying that he is deliberately keeping the families apart & him being angry?

I mean wtf??

Limita · 06/02/2022 16:56

A short walk together isn’t a great imposition and to refuse is certainly rude. If Op’s parents genuinely don’t feel up to that, it’s really social phobia rather than introversion. If they are up to it but can’t be bothered, it’s lazy and rude.

How is it rude to say 'no thanks'? Why does OP's DP want them to meet? It makes no sense.

Bosephine · 06/02/2022 16:56

I still couldn't be bothered to make small talk with people I don't know when it's entirely unnecessary

This is a hilariously rude approach to life.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 06/02/2022 16:58

I'm from Dublin and this kind of forced meeting with people would be my idea of hell !!!
Bit of a silly post above in my opinion.

I stand corrected and I apologise to the people of the UK, because this thread has confirmed that many Irish people are equally unsociable and awkward. I just hadn't met those people (for obvious reasons!)

saraclara · 06/02/2022 17:10

Jeeze, some of the answers on here...

I'm introverted and quiet, and yes, meeting my DD's partners' parents for the first time was somewhat nerve-wracking, but it's something you do. Our families are becoming connected, and it's the polite and decent thing to accept such an invitation.

The people who say that there's no need, or that they absolutely wouldn't go, do you actually never meet anyone outside your family? Refuse to speak to people you're introduced to? Turn down every single kind invitation? Or is it because they're the in-laws?

Do I have much in common with my DD's in-laws? Not really, though they're pleasant enough. And I'm sure my parents and in-laws felt the same about each other. But they met, and came to the same family occasions and got on fine, as I do with the other sets of parents.

I find it bizarre that people meet and speak to new people in their work environment and presumably locally, and yet 'see no need' to ever meet the parents of the person their DC is marrying/in a long term relationship, and think it's unreasonable for anyone to suggest they might.

Midlifemusings · 06/02/2022 17:14

If Ops DP has worked hard to get to know Ops' parents and driven the 5 hours up for many visits and really put time and effort into building that relationship with them - then they should do it for his sake as he has put a lot of effort into building that relationship.

If he hasn't and his parents are just curious and want to have a look at OPs parents - then no need. They don't want to meet these people who are and typically will continue to effectively be strangers.

For those of you who feel it is important for your family to meet the families of those you are dating - do you ensure all your siblings meet your partners siblings as well as your parents? Is this a test where if your family doesn't like their family then you end the relationship?