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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my parents are being rude?

283 replies

englishsongbird · 06/02/2022 12:42

DP and I have been together nearly 4 years (late 20s) and bought a house last year.

His parents live 1 hour away from us, mine live 5 hours away. Mine are coming for 3 days in Feb half term (I'm a teacher). They've never met his. They're a bit reclusive at the best of times - live in a tiny hamlet in the middle of nowhere with 2 dogs who are basically their substitute children since I left home.

DP's parents have asked him when they are likely to meet mine and have hinted that he's deliberately keeping the families apart. I suggested to my parents that, when they come to stay, his should also come round to our house and we all go for a walk. My parents seemed very reluctant and when I asked why, my mum said it isn't normal or necessary for the two sets of parents to meet before their children are married and they don't see the point of meeting two people who they might not have anything in common with. I explained that I really want them to meet because it would be frankly weird for them to meet for the first time at our wedding and DP and I shouldn't be keeping our families separate. The response was that they will be too tired after their long journey and really just want to see me and DP.

DP is offended and angry at what he sees as rudeness towards his family and I happen to agree, but for all I know their perspective is normal and we're all being a bit sensitive. AIBU?

OP posts:
stuntbubbles · 06/02/2022 17:20

Our families are becoming connected
I think this is really the crux of the matter: whether you view it as OP and DP becoming connected, or OP + family and DP + family all becoming connected. DP’s parents obviously see themselves as a package deal with their kid, and think they’re joining OP’s family. OP’s family think they’re just adding DP to the clan and don’t want the “free gift with purchase” of his family as well. Neither is wrong, per se, but DP and his parents being angry about it is definitely wrong.

Avaynia · 06/02/2022 17:31

I don’t think they’re being rude. No one is owed a relationship. I think it’s much more rude to think you’re entitled to someone’s time the way your partner’s parents do. And to get mad about it? Very off.

JustUseTheDoorSanta · 06/02/2022 17:33

do you ensure all your siblings meet your partners siblings as well as your parents?
Yes, we've all made the effort to meet and spend time with siblings all round. BIL's wife's parents live on another continent and were super keen to meet me long before we married, I was delighted to meet them and feel sad not yet to have met one of her siblings except on video call. Pre covid we were considering a trip that would include meeting them. But then I'm from the type of family where a cousin's ex's mum and aunt still attend family parties, so it's DH and so is SIL. Possibly that's why we all get along, because we have the same family values - literally.

Is this a test where if your family doesn't like their family then you end the relationship?
No. It's a nice way of welcoming someone with all that they bring, which includes their loved ones.

Original poster
englishsongbird · 06/02/2022 17:36

Thank you everyone who's posted for your time and insight!

The general conclusion seems to be that DP, PiLs, my parents and I are all being a bit unreasonable, which is fair enough and what I expected to be honest. I am not going to press the issue with my parents, because although they are being unsociable and arguably rude, I need to respect their boundaries.

This evening we will tactfully explain to PiLs that my parents are introverted and still concerned about Covid, and now is not the best time for us all to meet. Fortunately I'm close enough to them to do this honestly.

I do want to say that I slightly misrepresented my DP's reaction - irritated and hurt is probably more accurate than 'angry'. To those of you who think he's raising red flags, he's not. He has made so much effort with my parents, who do really like him - he's done the drive up to see them many times with no complaints whatsoever and we spent Christmas with them at their house this year. I happen to think that what PiLs said to him was very unfair and put him in a terrible position, since my parents' behaviour is in no way his responsibility or anything he can control.

@Sportslady44, your comment made my day Grin

OP posts:
JustUseTheDoorSanta · 06/02/2022 17:39

DP’s parents obviously see themselves as a package deal with their kid, and think they’re joining OP’s family. OP’s family think they’re just adding DP to the clan and don’t want the “free gift with purchase” of his family as well.
Agree with this.
Neither is wrong, per se, but DP and his parents being angry about it is definitely wrong.
It depends on your expectations of the role family should and will play in your life, both now and going forwards. You wouldn't meet people who you find it convenient to ignore, cut out and pretend simply don't exist, no. If you're hoping to share family life, take on each other's child as your own and enjoy grandchildren parties together though, then being treated in this way rings a lot of warning bells.

FredWinnie · 06/02/2022 17:46

I am not going to press the issue with my parents, because although they are being unsociable and arguably rude...

No; your parents are not being rude, arguably or otherwise.

Etinoxaurus · 06/02/2022 17:48

@englishsongbird, “This evening we will tactfully explain to PiLs that my parents are introverted and still concerned about Covid, and now is not the best time for us all to meet” perfect.
Flowers

SueSaid · 06/02/2022 17:51

'This evening we will tactfully explain to PiLs that my parents are introverted and still concerned about Covid'

Oh for goodness sake show your parents some respect and stop apologising for them. Just shrug it off and say maybe next time.

I've never known a male dp and his parents so keen to meet other parents. What will they all be like with perhaps a wedding or if babies come along. I'd run now.

sofakingcool · 06/02/2022 17:52

@TheViewFromTheCheapSeats

We’ve been married over 20 years and our parents have never met! No funniness or rudeness involved, just big distances and no massive urge on either side.
Did they not go to your wedding?
diddl · 06/02/2022 17:59

@FredWinnie

I am not going to press the issue with my parents, because although they are being unsociable and arguably rude...

No; your parents are not being rude, arguably or otherwise.

Yeah I also don't think that they are being rude.

If they find socialising as difficult as you say then they might need to "psych themselves" up for it!

Maybe meet as part of a bigger group or at an even so that there is something to talk about/no pressure for someone to always be talking.

I think when someone keeps on to meet you it can feel like you have to then "perform" & be interesting & constantly keep the conversation going (even if that isn't what's expected.

stuntbubbles · 06/02/2022 18:19

@JustUseTheDoorSanta That’s interesting – my parents are the ones who wouldn’t want to meet my in-laws, but they’re also the ones who’ll come to children’s parties and are heavily involved, want family holidays, generally engaged. Whereas in-laws would see meeting the other family as a thing you have to do, to do otherwise is rude… but it’s box-ticking for them. I don’t think it’s as black and white as you make out.

And I wouldn’t want my MIL to treat me as her own child. Partly because she treats her own children terribly, but also she’s not my mum! I wonder if there’s an overlap with families who call their in-laws “mum and dad” here?

GreenFingeredNell15 · 06/02/2022 18:41

I need to psych myself up to meet new people but if it were important to my daughter I'd do it

I think I'd prefer a quick coffee somewhere neutral and an upcoming 'appointment ' so it would be easy to leave after an hour or so

OnaBegonia · 06/02/2022 19:06

My daughters in laws are lovely people, we go out for dinner,
all 6 of us several times a year, send Xmas/birthday cards. No need for avoidance, they might become new friends.

JustUseTheDoorSanta · 06/02/2022 19:24

@stuntbubbles - as many ways as there are folk! I wouldn't use the terms mum and dad, but I'm their family with the rights and responsibilities that brings. It extends further too; DPIL and DP have arranged and had lunches and dinners together without us. DFIL helped out my DB with something, and my DA has taken DMIL to the theatre (nobody else wanted to see it). We are naturally included for lunch and/or days out with SIL's parents in their visits, and ILs come to see my family. The BIL from my sibling, we see a lot of his DP and we have hosted their family friend in an emergency though BIL asked not them (just checked and I only have his dad's mobile number not mum). All of the families ask after each other when there are problems or exciting stuff like new babies and puppies. We aren't all physically so near to wind up in each other's pockets, and nobody can help us with childcare, but everyone is connected and views themselves that way. A wide range of characters, by no means all extrovert nor even all hugely social. As I say, it's just wound up that we've all come from remarkably similar families in character (ignoring the continent split), so it works for us.

burnoutbabe · 06/02/2022 19:30

seems a bit rude. especially if it could just be a 30 min coffee.

I had this joy within a year of us meeting/moving in. My sister booked a weekend away for my parents and the siblings/kids. At somewhere where we stayed as kids camping.
WHICH WAS MY NEW IN LAWS village.
So we had to meet up. went over for tea and cakes one afternoon :D Which is odd when you are in your 40s. Seems more normal when you are 15. But done now. My in laws would have been hurt if my parents refused. My parents would have quite happily not gone but recognised it as something to get done.

LosingTheWill2022 · 06/02/2022 19:44

seems a bit rude. especially if it could just be a 30 min coffee

But the other parents live an hour away from OP *burnoutbabe. That would make a 30 minute coffee really odd. If they lived 5 mins away it could have potentially been very casual but they are doing a 2 hour round trip so it would inevitably more of an 'event'.

BoredZelda · 06/02/2022 19:47

My parents and my MIL have seen each other maybe three times in 20 years. They didn’t meet before the wedding either. That said, if either party had suggested they wanted to, it would have been rude of either one to refuse.

Midlifemusings · 06/02/2022 20:06

@JustUseTheDoorSanta

I guess families function very differently. I have never met my sister's husbands siblings or even his parents. They live a six hour flight away and I can't imagine using my vacation time to go and visit people who are completely insignificant in my life. I have my own friends and family. I also have four siblings - 3 of whom are married and so collectively they have 5 sets of inlaw parents and 11 siblings between them through my SILs and BILs families. I can't even fathom dedicating time to form relationships with my BILs families. I have briefly met a few of my BIL/SIL family that live locally but have no relationship with them, just encounters at large family events.

Movingsoon21 · 06/02/2022 23:01

Oh god OP I feel your pain. My parents can be a bit like this and it’s pretty mortifying - meeting new people is just part and parcel of being an adult and it’s definitely odd, even if not rude, to refuse to meet your child’s in-laws!

I’ve done a mix with my parents - when I can I’ve explained that they are shy and it might be best to postpone things, but when something’s important to me I’ve put my foot down and told my parents to grow a pair, and to be fair they’ve adulted up when really necessary.

Did I want to go and spend hours with their friends as a kid? No obviously not, but it’s part of being a family and part of living in normal society! Barring genuine conditions like autism, it’s just selfishness / being difficult to refuse something as simple as this.

LovePoppy · 06/02/2022 23:20

@Coronado2

I think they are being rude. His parents are asking to meetx they are visiting, refusing to do so is rude.
Why? Why is it rude to not meet people you don’t want to?

Hurtful to OP, sure, but why is it rude,

saraclara · 06/02/2022 23:28

Why? Why is it rude to not meet people you don’t want to?

Because it's rude to reject people who have done nothing to deserve it.

Sportslady44 · 07/02/2022 00:54

They sound a bundle of fun not.

Would it not be easier to just meet . The way they are going they are getting off on the wrong foot and making a big deal of something. They should feel happy that someone wants to meet them. Some people eh.

Limita · 07/02/2022 02:08

@saraclara

Why? Why is it rude to not meet people you don’t want to?

Because it's rude to reject people who have done nothing to deserve it.

So it’s rude to say no to any invitation where the person doing the inviting hasn’t done anything wrong?
LovePoppy · 07/02/2022 02:50

@saraclara

Why? Why is it rude to not meet people you don’t want to?

Because it's rude to reject people who have done nothing to deserve it.

Why is it rude not to want to meet them?

Unkind? Perhaps. But not rude?

We don’t owe other people our time

Cocogreen · 07/02/2022 03:45

I think it's not very friendly but they sound socially anxious and awkward about making conversation with strangers.
I'd just tell the in-laws that.