Page 8 | To think my parents are being rude?

diddl · 06/02/2022 15:41

"but the difference is your partner’s parents DO want to meet so I think it’s rude not to!"

So what Op's parents want is more important?

diddl · 06/02/2022 15:42

@diddl

"but the difference is your partner’s parents DO want to meet so I think it’s rude not to!"

So what Op's parents want is more important?

That should be Op's partner's parents!

Procrast · 06/02/2022 15:42

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Bbq1 · 06/02/2022 15:42

@englishsongbird

DP and I have been together nearly 4 years (late 20s) and bought a house last year.

His parents live 1 hour away from us, mine live 5 hours away. Mine are coming for 3 days in Feb half term (I'm a teacher). They've never met his. They're a bit reclusive at the best of times - live in a tiny hamlet in the middle of nowhere with 2 dogs who are basically their substitute children since I left home.

DP's parents have asked him when they are likely to meet mine and have hinted that he's deliberately keeping the families apart. I suggested to my parents that, when they come to stay, his should also come round to our house and we all go for a walk. My parents seemed very reluctant and when I asked why, my mum said it isn't normal or necessary for the two sets of parents to meet before their children are married and they don't see the point of meeting two people who they might not have anything in common with. I explained that I really want them to meet because it would be frankly weird for them to meet for the first time at our wedding and DP and I shouldn't be keeping our families separate. The response was that they will be too tired after their long journey and really just want to see me and DP.

DP is offended and angry at what he sees as rudeness towards his family and I happen to agree, but for all I know their perspective is normal and we're all being a bit sensitive. AIBU?

It is odd not to meet the other parents before the wedding ceremony. Granted they lived close to us and to each other, but my mum and dad met my husband's parents well before out wedding day. We took them all out for a meal. They all got on like a house on fire, turned out they knew a lot of the same people. We used to have them all over for Christmas Dinner etc and they became quite friendly outside of us

LosingTheWill2022 · 06/02/2022 15:43

I'm with your parents OP.
I think your dp and his parents are being weird and overbearing.
There's no need for the 2 sets of parents to meet and if they agree this time it sets a precedence for future trips to stay with you. Because either your DP's parents want to check them out or they want a social relationship with them. And your parents clearly don't want that.
Your parents are travelling to see you and your dp. As they're 500 miles away I'm guessing it doesn't happen often. I wouldn't want to spend time out of 3 days meeting new people.

stuntbubbles · 06/02/2022 15:43

I don't think there is any need for the two sets of parents to meet until say a few months before the wedding.
Genuine question, because I come from a “there’s no need at any point” clan, who also tend to cohabit rather than marrying, and have a habit of entwining ourselves with partners from very different background where any meeting would be hell on toast for all involved: what’s the need once a wedding is afoot? What’s the goal?

NeverDropYourMooncup · 06/02/2022 15:44

DP only met my totally emotionally bereft relatives after 8 years because one was dying.

He has no reason to wish to repeat the experience - and certainly wouldn't subject any of his lovely family to them; the coldness and outright mean comments would really hurt their feelings.

nettie434 · 06/02/2022 15:48

I feel sympathetic towards your parents. You describe them as reclusive. They live in a small hamlet so probably don't have much contact with neighbours and they have some Covid related anxiety with not wanting to be in the same house as your DP's parents.

They are probably already stressed by the thought of the visit - it is quite possible they feel anxious even if they want to see you. Personally, given that it's their first visit to your house, I think you could give them some leeway. I think it would help your DP and his parents if they tried to make it less personal and accepted that your parents would be anxious about meeting anyone for the first time.

Teeturtle · 06/02/2022 15:49

No it is not rude and it isn’t particularly unusual either. Nothing unusual about meeting either, but I don’t think there is a need to.

JustUseTheDoorSanta · 06/02/2022 15:49

Both sets of our parents would have been hugely offended and found it odd for the others to refuse to meet. They are family joined by you; refusing to meet apart from a wedding would be effectively saying they don't support you bring with your OH, or don't expect you to stay with your OH. Frankly it's odd, our parents would have probably presumed an imminent engagement or pregnancy announcement at your stage of life, with the recent house purchased. Refusing to attend that is awful.

I would have words with my parents, to explain why it can be perceived as very rude, because it is about accepting my OH as family. What efforts are they making with your OH, and does that also need to be discussed at the same time?

Regardless, I would be clear to the in-laws "It's not you, it's them, they are very introverted and I'm sorry it's coming across as rude."

PostThenGhost · 06/02/2022 15:54

Married 25 years.

DM met my PIL at the wedding. First and last time they ever met, PIL both died last year. DF was living abroad when we got married so he never even met PIL.

They lived hours apart from each other, when either of them visited they came to see us. Seems odd to force people together when the only reason they are aware of the others existence is through their children.

Sportslady44 · 06/02/2022 15:54

They sound like a couple of boring old farts and your partners family probably aren't missing out on anything by not meeting.

girlmom21 · 06/02/2022 15:56

@Sportslady44

They sound like a couple of boring old farts and your partners family probably aren't missing out on anything by not meeting.

I'd say the OP's parents aren't missing out by not wanting to meet two control freak parents of OP's partner to be fair...

DuchessAndThePea · 06/02/2022 15:57

@shoofly

Honestly I think your parents are being rude. They may be introverted, they may not see the point, but you and your DP have bought a home together which means it's a serious relationship. They don't have to become great friends and live in each others pockets, but their children are planning a life together so it's not at all unreasonable for them to meet. I actually think they should just get on with it, ask them to suggest the least stressful way to get through this and then you can arrange it.

This.

diddl · 06/02/2022 15:58

@Sportslady44

They sound like a couple of boring old farts and your partners family probably aren't missing out on anything by not meeting.

Well the perhaps Op's partners parents can calm the fuck down & stop pushing to meet!

Midlifemusings · 06/02/2022 16:00

I don't think it is weird at all for parents to not meet prior to an engagement / wedding. They have no reason to meet - they aren't going to be friends. Their adult children are dating and that is it.

They are coming to visit you and give how introverted / reclusive they are - it seems rude of hosts to intentionally put them in uncomfortable positions to satisfy the curiosity of his parents to meet yours. Just like if you went to visit them and they decided they wanted you to spend a chunk of that time with their neighbours who they like.

I don't get the benefit or necessity of them meeting - will they be required to be friends? to keep in touch?

If they were outgoing or didn't mind meeting - then great. But to force a meeting when they clearly won't be comfortable and there is zero benefit to them meeting, just seems pointless.

Sportslady44 · 06/02/2022 16:05

People are also so selfish as well as weird if my son say wanted me to meet his gfs parents for example i would even if I wasn't bothered. I would do it because he wanted me too . That's what's wrong today not only are people antisocial and boring they are bloody selfish. Has nobody ever heard of doing something because someone else would like you too!!!!

CMOTDibbler · 06/02/2022 16:07

In 26 years together, our parents met twice - once at the suit fittings for our wedding, and on the actual day. But I do know families where its all a bit more intermingled, and can see where someone coming from a community where that is more normal might raise an eyebrow at an offer to meet was turned down. Or your DP's parents might be asking in a roundabout way when they can expect an engagement/wedding

diddl · 06/02/2022 16:11

"if my son say wanted me to meet his gfs parents for example i would even if I wasn't bothered"

I'm not sure if Op is that bothered though or if it's pressure from her partner & his parents.

ILoveAllRainbowsx · 06/02/2022 16:13

@Hoppinggreen

I think it seems pretty normal and if they don’t want to meet someone then you shouldn’t force it. I don’t think they are being rude If you get engaged etc then they can meet

I agree with this. Why do you and your partner want to force people to do something that they don't want to do?

They are not being rude, they are just introverts.

Echobelly · 06/02/2022 16:18

I initially thought it was, if not rude, at least putting you in an awkawrd position to try to explain to your future ILs why they don't want to meet. But with them living 5 hours away, I suppose it's not unreasonable that they might not have met your ILs before the wedding. Maybe explain to future ILs that your parents are very just introverted and would find a 1:1 meeting a bit difficult to navigate?

LosingTheWill2022 · 06/02/2022 16:18

That's what's wrong today not only are people antisocial and boring they are bloody selfish.

What nonsense @Sportslady44. Its not a "today" issue as many posters have pointed out. Some people are more sociable than others.

My 2 sets of grandparents had no social contact other than around the wedding of my parents and christenings of the grandchildren. Same with my parents and the parents of their dc's dps ...etc. that's going back 60 years so nothing to do with modern times.

I know other families where things have been completely different and cross family gatherings and social events are the norm. Its horses for courses.

girlmom21 · 06/02/2022 16:20

Can I just add that if my partner was angry at my parents for not wanting to do what his parents wanted I'd be reconsidering my relationship.

Etinoxaurus · 06/02/2022 16:20

@nettie434

I feel sympathetic towards your parents. You describe them as reclusive. They live in a small hamlet so probably don't have much contact with neighbours and they have some Covid related anxiety with not wanting to be in the same house as your DP's parents.

They are probably already stressed by the thought of the visit - it is quite possible they feel anxious even if they want to see you. Personally, given that it's their first visit to your house, I think you could give them some leeway. I think it would help your DP and his parents if they tried to make it less personal and accepted that your parents would be anxious about meeting anyone for the first time.

Extraordinary. This reads as if they’re toddlers. OPs parents are adults. And apparently functioning enough to travel 5 hours and to have raised a child. YANBU @englishsongbird Rude and wet.

whiteroseredrose · 06/02/2022 16:23

Can we stop calling OP's parents antisocial? That would be if they were constantly farting and burping. They are unsociable.

My DPs met PIL when we actually got engaged.

They have met a lot over the years, and we have spent many Christmases together - despite them being very different.

However I previously lived with an Ex and they never met his DPs. No point unless we were actually going to get married.

I'd leave them alone - they can meet at your engagement party.