To think my parents are being rude?

[englishsongbird]

DP and I have been together nearly 4 years (late 20s) and bought a house last year.

His parents live 1 hour away from us, mine live 5 hours away. Mine are coming for 3 days in Feb half term (I'm a teacher). They've never met his. They're a bit reclusive at the best of times - live in a tiny hamlet in the middle of nowhere with 2 dogs who are basically their substitute children since I left home.

DP's parents have asked him when they are likely to meet mine and have hinted that he's deliberately keeping the families apart. I suggested to my parents that, when they come to stay, his should also come round to our house and we all go for a walk. My parents seemed very reluctant and when I asked why, my mum said it isn't normal or necessary for the two sets of parents to meet before their children are married and they don't see the point of meeting two people who they might not have anything in common with. I explained that I really want them to meet because it would be frankly weird for them to meet for the first time at our wedding and DP and I shouldn't be keeping our families separate. The response was that they will be too tired after their long journey and really just want to see me and DP.

DP is offended and angry at what he sees as rudeness towards his family and I happen to agree, but for all I know their perspective is normal and we're all being a bit sensitive. AIBU?

I mean - just imagine - when your DC is in their late 20s and have been with their other half for 4 years and they've bought a house and the opportunity has arisen to casually meet their parents for the first time and you ask, and the answer is no!

Whilst they were never friends, my parents and ILs met informally when dh and I bought our first flat. It was never actually arranged, one set just turned up as the other left (everyone lived locally). Same with dh's siblings and mine, nothing was forced. They've known each 40 years and some years, depending on occasions, see each ither 2/3 times, then not again for a couple of years.
The families met on different occasions over the years, were always civil to each other. I think dc's birthdays, significant occasions etc (and our wedding) would have been very awkward otherwise.
As the decades went on and FIL and my DMum died, the fact that the families knew each other was immensely helpful and MIL was an absolute rock for me and my sisters during my dad's final illness.
But there was no formal 'presentation of the clans'.

Is anyone else picturing Barbara Streisand and Robert de Niro in Meet the Parents

I think it's a bit rude, if people have expressed that they want to meet you (as have the DPs parents) to have basically said no!
But that implies that everyone has to say yes to every social invitation, doesn’t it? “It’s a bit rude, if people have expressed that they want to go out with you/spend their lunch hour with you/come round every weekend, to say no!” DP’s parents have expressed what they want; OP’s parents have also expressed what they don’t want. Not everyone will get their way, but the no trumps the want.

My parents met exes parents before our wedding at considerably more trouble to both sets of parents than is the case here as we lived in place A, mine lived in place B 450 miles away from A and his parents lived in place C 300 miles from place A

We had a weekend where both sets of parents visited our location with his parents (better off financially) stopped in a hotel and mine stopped with us. But we did things together over the course of the weekend and that included friendly discussion of plans for the wedding (which ex and I paid for but which we considered their input on certain matters)

It's weird for them not to meet until your wedding day imo and YES they are being rude! They're visiting you anyway so it's no inconvenience to them to spare an hour or two to introduce themselves and get to know your fiancés parents at least a little!

Being introverted is no excuse. There are certain things that are plain good manners and are part of life this is one of them

My mother is incredibly shy as is now ex fil but they made the effort for their dc as they saw it as the least they could do. Which it is to be honest! Doesn't need to be a length meet 2 hours max. But yes manners seem to be falling by the wayside in many ways these days

If your parents are feeling uncomfortable about an informal meeting like this it's going to be even worse come the wedding day if there are any issues! Best to get ahead of these things.

I'm afraid I agree with them. I am an extremely introverted and suffer with social anxiety and I would find that kind of situation very difficult. However, if I knew it was important to my DC's then I would suck it up and do it, but it would be very hard for me.

DH & I only met my SIL's parents twice, once at DD & SIL's wedding and once at their reception, which due to Covid was nine months later. We probably would have met more often if not for Covid, but SIL's mum was extremely vulnerable, due to having cancer treatment. SIL's mum sadly died last November, so if we meet again, it'll only be his dad.
But my parents & DH's parents only met a handful of times, and I think any meetings before our wedding were just the result of them happening to be around at the same time.

extremely introverted person**

One year, both dh and I had our 50ths, we had our silver wedding, one dc turned 18 the other 16 so parties would have been a nightmare otherwise! They were probably all sick of the sight of each other by Xmas that year.

I think your DP needs to get over himself and try to be a little more understanding. Lockdown has just increased social anxiety in those that were already prone to it.
Your parents don't have to do anything they don't want to and he and is parents should not be pressing them.

And i do totally empathise that it's difficult sometimes having to do social stuff you don't fancy - but that's life!

Right this moment eldest DD wants a get together with her BFs parents because they've just bought their first house together and got engaged (we all live in same village) and me and DH are like ''oh YES, how wonderful lets all get together for a meal or something'' while on the inside we're both like ''oh gawd. if we must''

I don't think they are being rude. Whilst it would be weird perhaps to meet at your wedding you haven't actually mentioned a wedding. If you do get married they can meet a couple of weeks before the wedding like many other parents do.

@BigSandyBalls2015

Is anyone else picturing Barbara Streisand and Robert de Niro in Meet the Parents

Yes that's kind of us!

My parents can be a little like this. My parents met my mil once fore she passed and my fil at our wedding after we had been together seven years although we live in Ireland and he lives in England. Try not to see it as rude and more them in a situation where they feel uncomfortable.

I think your DP and his parents sound really hard work. You're not engaged, there's no real reason for the parents to meet and your parents are being totally ambushed. I really feel sorry for them!

How "angry" is your DP? That's not a normal reaction. Being annoyed or frustrated would be normal.

I think it’s a bit rude to be honest.
I don’t think there is a ‘need’ for them to meet prior to your wedding but the difference is your partner’s parents DO want to meet so I think it’s rude not to! Especially in the quite informal relaxed way you suggest.

Mine and my husbands parents have met a lot over the years and although they wouldn’t socialise without us, it makes it nice at family events that they aren’t strangers.

My Mum’s Mum met my Dad’s Dad and they actually got together as a couple! They never got married so never official made my parents step siblings 😂

@girlmom21

Your parents aren't rude IMO. I'd be annoyed if I travelled 5 hours to see my daughter and she then insisted I spent a third of my time with her partners parents.

My parents met MIL when DP parked outside their house taking her to a hospital appointment (my parents live a 5 min walk from the hospital) and met FIL when we went for a baby scan at a private clinic.

I don't see why they need to meet if your parents don't want to.

OP has said her parents are down for 3 days and she has suggested they all go for a walk together.

To me, that means an hour or 90 minutes. How you've interpreted it as a full-on, all day hike I'm not quite sure.

@RavenclawDiadem it won't just be a walk will it, because that's weird.

It'll be a walk then "oh let's stop for a bite to eat" then "oh we'll just pop in for a cuppa before we leave" and 90 minutes soon becomes 4 or 5 hours.

If they were that interested in meeting the could travel the 5 hours to OP's parents rather than intrude on their short, rare visit.

I am so surprised by the responses. Maybe because i’m from a different culture, but we made it a point for our parents too meet. They won’t ever be best friends, but they speak at Christmas etc. I would find it strange if they didn’t. Your parents are being unreasonable.

Well no it could just be a walk particularly in Covid times.

I agree that there's no reason for them to meet. The problem is now that the idea has been floated - declining has more read into it than merely a reluctance to socialise.

Mine and DH parents met at our wedding and we already had a child together by then! (They haven't seen each other since!) I don't think it's that unusual if people live in different areas.

I don't think there is any need for the two sets of parents to meet until say a few months before the wedding.

You’ve been together four years - it’s not a flash in the pan relationship. I would be annoyed at their refusal also.