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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this ok or am I being over sensitive?

144 replies

DaffodilDandilion · 06/02/2022 11:34

We had a school event this morning. ExH has the children this weekend so I met them there. On arrival 5yo DD was only wearing tights and a standard length jumper so I said (without thinking) “oh! Where are your leggings?”. I had packed two pairs of tights with dresses for DD1 and two pairs of leggings with tops for DD2.

ExH snapped back loudly “they’re all she fucking had” in front of my friends from school and the teachers. I replied explaining what I had packed but he just said “yeah whatever” and strode off.

I’m just looking for some perspective. He was like this throughout our marriage and I don’t know if I’m just too sensitive or if this really isn’t ok, especially in front of the children. I’m trying to establish new boundaries now we live apart.

So YABU - his reaction is normal, you’re being sensitive

YANBU - he was rude to respond like that.

Thank you.

OP posts:
joopy79 · 06/02/2022 11:37

YANBU but.....was it clear which clothes belong to each child?

blondie292 · 06/02/2022 11:38

YANBU that's an appalling way to speak to you both alone and infront of people!

StarsAreWishes · 06/02/2022 11:39

It was absolutely not OK.

It wasn’t OK to only half dress his daughter.
It wasn’t OK that he is still putting the mental load of caring for them on you, even when he had them (essentially blaming you for his failure).
It wasn’t OK for him to speak to you like that (wither in front of others or privately).
It wasn’t OK for him to storm off having a tantrum.

Does he want to co-parent?

kittenkipper · 06/02/2022 11:39

Yanbu! He's obviously an ex for good reason!

Returnoftheowl · 06/02/2022 11:40

@joopy79

YANBU but.....was it clear which clothes belong to each child?
Surely any adult can work out the leggings go with the tops and the tights go with the dresses?
StarsAreWishes · 06/02/2022 11:40

(* “Whether or not” - bloody autocorrect)

itwasntaparty · 06/02/2022 11:40

He half dressed his kid and tried to blame it on you, YANBU.

Original poster
DaffodilDandilion · 06/02/2022 11:40

YANBU but.....was it clear which clothes belong to each child?

You make a fair point, to me it would be obvious to our leggings with tops and tights with dresses but I assume he didn’t realise/ just grabbed whatever he found first yesterday and was stuck with what was left today.

It wasn’t a huge issue though, I popped home to get DD a skirt to wear over her tights and she was fine. I was just left feeling really embarrassed that he had spoken to me like that in front of so many people I know.

OP posts:
5keletor · 06/02/2022 11:41

He took her out in just tights? Could he not have put yesterday's leggings on again if he really couldn't find the second pair, or buy her a pair?! He could have even asked you to bring a pair.
No YANBU, he sounds incompetent, and rude.

Coffeeshopcake · 06/02/2022 11:43

Yanbu and it's not a fair point at all to ask if it was clear which clothes were for which child.

He should be capable of dressing his own children properly not putting it into you.

RedskyThisNight · 06/02/2022 11:43

Surely a 5 year old dresses herself? And, if they were thick tights your ex may not have realised she wasn't wearing leggings?

But not ok for him to talk to you the way he did.

ABCeasyasdohrayme · 06/02/2022 11:44

Why do you have to pack their clothes? He should have some at his own house.

Yanbu, he is being a twat blaming his failings on you.

RedCandyApple · 06/02/2022 11:45

I don’t think it’s a big deal! Surely she had a coat so it wouldn’t have been obvious to everyone anyway? Or she didn’t have a coat? 😕 not nice to speak to you in that way though

WallaceinAnderland · 06/02/2022 11:46

He made a fool of himself OP, not of you. Anyone who witnessed that would think you were a smart woman for leaving him. He made himself look like a prat.

LondonWolf · 06/02/2022 11:47

@DaffodilDandilion

YANBU but.....was it clear which clothes belong to each child?

You make a fair point, to me it would be obvious to our leggings with tops and tights with dresses but I assume he didn’t realise/ just grabbed whatever he found first yesterday and was stuck with what was left today.

It wasn’t a huge issue though, I popped home to get DD a skirt to wear over her tights and she was fine. I was just left feeling really embarrassed that he had spoken to me like that in front of so many people I know.

Don't be embarrassed. When I hear people speak to others like that, especially if I know them to be or have been in a relationship together, I think to myself "what a nasty, abusive twat!" I certainly don't judge the victim in fact I feel sad and empathetic for the person on the receiving end. I'm sure you do too don't you? So just judge them on how you'd be feeling about this.
PoppyFleur · 06/02/2022 11:47

Don’t be embarrassed about how he spoke to you. The embarrassment belongs to him and he alone. He is showing his true colours in public. Had I witnessed that scenario my only thought would be one of compassion for you and contempt for him.

Lostlostlost3 · 06/02/2022 11:48

This is on him not you OP. If I had been watching I'd probably go away and have a good gossip... about how awful he is and how well you've done to get rid. Well done!

Natty13 · 06/02/2022 11:48

He's a father. He is responsible for clothing them. I dont even pack clothes for mine unless something specific they want to take... their dad has plenty of clothing at his and his house is their home as well, not a hotel they need to pack to go and stay at.

Theunamedcat · 06/02/2022 11:50

So now the school have seen him not only being incompetent but neglectful and abusive

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 06/02/2022 11:51

What an idiot. People will have noticed but feel sorry that you have to put up with his shit. Sorry your girls had to hear it.

LondonWolf · 06/02/2022 11:53

@RedCandyApple

I don’t think it’s a big deal! Surely she had a coat so it wouldn’t have been obvious to everyone anyway? Or she didn’t have a coat? 😕 not nice to speak to you in that way though
My dd would have been mortified to only have tights and a jumper to wear. It's just careless and it's obvious that tights are not leggings! They have seams and are usually see through at the top.
RandomMess · 06/02/2022 11:57

So basically he doesn't provide his own DC with clothing for them in their home with him and he isn't capable of dressing them appropriately.

After that awful behaviour from him and I would let him provide their clothing from now on. After all CMS is for you to provide for them in your home not his as well.

Sure you share coats and shoes but you shouldn't be packing a weekend bag!

RedCandyApple · 06/02/2022 11:58

Then wouldn’t they have said something before leaving the house if they noticed? (The child that is?)

Marmm · 06/02/2022 11:59

He shouldn't have spoken to you like that no.
However, I would have just accepted that that is how he has chosen to dress his daughter and he has shit parenting skills and not called it out then but had a quiet word later, like via email or however you usually communicate.

PonyPatter44 · 06/02/2022 12:01

I guarantee that anyone who saw that was appalled by him, and thought he was a total dickhead.