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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this ok or am I being over sensitive?

144 replies

DaffodilDandilion · 06/02/2022 11:34

We had a school event this morning. ExH has the children this weekend so I met them there. On arrival 5yo DD was only wearing tights and a standard length jumper so I said (without thinking) “oh! Where are your leggings?”. I had packed two pairs of tights with dresses for DD1 and two pairs of leggings with tops for DD2.

ExH snapped back loudly “they’re all she fucking had” in front of my friends from school and the teachers. I replied explaining what I had packed but he just said “yeah whatever” and strode off.

I’m just looking for some perspective. He was like this throughout our marriage and I don’t know if I’m just too sensitive or if this really isn’t ok, especially in front of the children. I’m trying to establish new boundaries now we live apart.

So YABU - his reaction is normal, you’re being sensitive

YANBU - he was rude to respond like that.

Thank you.

OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 06/02/2022 13:51

I’m confident everyone watching thought it’s pretty obvious why you’d want to be divorced from this twat, poor little girls whose dad cant be bothered to dress them and now they also know he can’t even be bothered to have clothes for them. Don’t feel embarrassed! You obviously apologise for him and enable him way too much still, but I appreciate long habits, money and wanting to minimise angst for your children are strong influences. Id like to think that I send them in the clothes they are wearing, send them in old clothes if they never come back, and absolutely refuse to carry on with wife work for him, but maybe in your shoes I wouldn’t, you can’t know.

deeplyrooted · 06/02/2022 13:53

I don’t think you should feel embarrassed by how he spoke to you.

He’s an embarrassment to himself.

But he doesn’t represent you. Anyone listening was probably thinking you were well rid of him.

StationaryMagpie · 06/02/2022 13:55

i had this with my exh as my daugher prefers boys clothes, so i started packing them separate bags with their own clothes in so he couldn't muddle them up... usually in disabled ds's disfavour.. putting him in trousers/tshirts that were too small as they were his sisters sigh

I probably would have reacted the same as you, and also been told off for 'embarrassing' him in public. Sorry, imho, they're the ones that can't dress their kids properly, so why is it my fault?

Beancounter1 · 06/02/2022 13:55

@DaffodilDandilion

Next time he has them, don’t send anything with them.

I couldn’t do that. It wouldn’t be fair to the children, not to mention how angry he would be with me.

Re the above quote, and also you said: I can see now that I shouldn’t have mentioned anything to him in public and I will be more careful with my words and tone in future so I don’t irritate him.

This approach is not getting you anywhere - there is no future in it. At the moment you are continuing to appease him, tip-toe round him, bite your tongue, anything to stop him being angry. So he knows he can carry on being angry, carry on abusing you even though you now live apart. He will carry on looking for opportunities to be angry with you - because that is what abusers do.

I suggest a new approach. Resolve to simply not care about his anger. At first, you will have to pretend you don't care whilst curling up with fear inside, but if you keep going then after a while you will start to actually not care.

A good start would be to send him an email/message saying that because he thinks the amount of clothes you send with the DC is not good enough, from now on you will not be providing the DC with anything when they go to his house. They will arrive wearing shoes, coats, and the clothes they stand in. He will have to provide all changes of clothes, and all toys and entertainment. This will be happening from the very next visit, so he has time this week to go and buy some clothes and other supplies.

The advantage of this is that it is one more thing that is not your problem.

I know you think this would not be fair to the children, but you have to let go of that idea. It is not up to you to police how he parents them.

If they grow up seeing you standing up to him, being firm and strong, they will learn to find their own voices and tell him if he has done something wrong like failed to buy sufficient clothes. They will learn to manage themselves and their relationship with him.

Monopolyiscrap · 06/02/2022 13:59

God of course people will have noticed a child wearing a jumper and tights only. And no people do not go out dressed like that all the time as a few people have claimed. She was half-dressed. I would report to SS a parent routinely sending their child out half-dressed like this.

I notice OP that you are agreeing with those making excuses for your ex. I suspect you were pretty dominated by him and still don't have much confidence.

StellaGibs · 06/02/2022 14:01

Surely any adult can work out the leggings go with the tops and the tights go with the dresses?

Haha, if only... 😣 my ex makes these mistakes too

Sceptre86 · 06/02/2022 14:01

Some of the responses on here are absolutely shitty. It's quite clear op is lacking in condlfidence and that her ex is an abusive arse. Yanbu op. My 5 year old would probably dress herself in tights and a tip and then feel cold. It's up to the parent to intervene and help as she's still young. I would have said the same if she had been my dd. The difference is that my dh wouldn't have reached that way and takes more care that my dd looks coordinated than I do.

His response was out of order and you shouldn't feel embarrassed, he should. Bystanders will know exactly why he is an arse.

Sceptre86 · 06/02/2022 14:01

*excise the whole host of typos but you get the gist.

Inertia · 06/02/2022 14:03

Your follow-up post stands out. Shutting your hand in a door and forcing running water in your face is not ‘a bit physical’ , it’s physical assault. Have you had police involvement?

I’m stunned at the number of people excusing your ex’s response to a very reasonable question. Of course your child shouldn’t have to accept being half-dressed in public. You’re not being sensitive, ex’s behaviour was poor, people will judge him not you-as PPs have said, it’s worth recording this incident.

He should be providing for the children during his contact time. You shouldn’t be facing his anger over clothing, and I’d be really concerned about his responses towards the children. It would be worth speaking to the safeguarding lead at your children’s school, because your ex is an abusive man .

Bobbins36 · 06/02/2022 14:09

@DaffodilDandilion

What would he do if he was angry with you ? If we know what you are scared of, we might be able to suggest other ways of managing him.

He would usually just say really unkind things picking on my insecurities (ie it’s no wonder no one likes you/ your family don’t care about you) or directly calling me names.

He used to use the silent treatment for days on end but that doesn’t have the same impact now we live apart.

He has on occasion been a bit physical, closing doors on my hand, holding a shower head in my face with the water running but there isn’t such a risk now I have my own home.

I wouldn’t let this abuser anywhere near my kids.
RosesAndHellebores · 06/02/2022 14:13

His behaviour was atrocious. It's potentially a safeguarding issue.

Isthisit22 · 06/02/2022 14:20

@DaffodilDandilion

So OP feels his reaction is worse than the issue of her DD not being dressed - therefore posters are answering her question.

I don’t think his response to me was a bigger deal than the fact my daughter was in tights and a jumper.
I felt that my unhappiness about her state of dress was so justified than I didn’t need reassurance from strangers.
My issue is how to deal with his reaction to me. I’m having counselling at the moment to help me with various issues stemming from my marriage and I wanted to know if I was justified in being hurt.
I can see now that I shouldn’t have mentioned anything to him in public and I will be more careful with my words and tone in future so I don’t irritate him.

But only a couple of posters have said this. The vast majority agree that he should never have spoken to you like that.
GeneLovesJezebel · 06/02/2022 14:27

He took his daughter out in tights and a jumper ? That’s not ok, I would have just not taken her if I couldn’t dress her properly.
His is very unreasonable.

lechatnoir · 06/02/2022 14:31

As someone else has suggested up thread message his today informing him that in light of his public outburst about the clothes you provided, from now on you will expect him to provide everything for the children when he is caring for them - be explicit and list what they will need such as toiletries, underwear, weather appropriate shoes and clothing, food, toys etc. he has a week to sort his shit out and if can't provide for their basic needs whilst in his care you will apply to the courts for a revision of current contact arrangements.

Do not engage with this man - he is your ex but he still seems to have such a hold over you Sad

Monopolyiscrap · 06/02/2022 14:31

@Bobbins36 mothers usually have no choice. If contact is court-mandated, you can lose residency if you ignore a custody arrangement.

KateMcCallister · 06/02/2022 14:39

@joopy79

YANBU but.....was it clear which clothes belong to each child?
He should be supplying clothes for his own children when they're with him. It's not up to the op to carry the parental load for him now they've separated.

Op yanbu and in future I'd not send them with any clothes. He's not having them overnight as a favour and needs to provide for them at his,

Flossieskeeper · 06/02/2022 14:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Monopolyiscrap · 06/02/2022 14:43

And honestly if a grown adult cant work out that leggings are for the child with just a jumper, then they are not safe to leave the house without supervision.

Onlyforcake · 06/02/2022 14:43

He's an angry and barely functional adult, work around some of these. Stop pandering to him. Start being clear he falls far short of acceptable in your eyes and his children's eyes.

Monopolyiscrap · 06/02/2022 14:44

I suspect the ex left the kids to dress themselves and just took them to school like that. A 5-year-old would put on tights and a jumper and think they are dressed. It is why they still need an adult overseeing things.

LondonWolf · 06/02/2022 14:46

@WonderfulYou

YABU - you called him out in front of all these people first. You can’t then act embarrassed that he responded.

Imagine if he met you there and asked why you dressed your child like that in front of everyone.

I would be fuming.

I honestly don't know how anyone can defend this, unless they have particularly low standards of basic parenting themselves I suppose and are hypersensitive to criticism...
luckylavender · 06/02/2022 14:46

@DaffodilDandilion

Just responding to a few points…

He doesn’t have clothes for them there, only pyjamas. The CMS stipulated amount is a reasonably large amount of money as he is a high earner so he expects me to pay for everything the children need from that which is doable for me; I just can’t afford to do all the scoring things with him that he can but at least they get to do them.

DD does dress herself but I am involved in helping them choose their outfits because they are only little still.

DD was upset that she was only in tights, she was in her coat but it doesn’t fully cover her bottom hence me dashing home to get her a skirt.

I accept he may have had a stressful time getting them ready and that may excuse why he was so abrupt with me.

He's clearly a dick but as others have said it just may not have been obvious to him. Also bringing it up in public probably wasn't the smartest move.
Bobbins36 · 06/02/2022 14:46

[quote Monopolyiscrap]@Bobbins36 mothers usually have no choice. If contact is court-mandated, you can lose residency if you ignore a custody arrangement.[/quote]
Using legal means obvs inc police

LondonWolf · 06/02/2022 14:49

I can see now that I shouldn’t have mentioned anything to him in public and I will be more careful with my words and tone in future so I don’t irritate him.

Oh dear. You sound quite controlled by and fearful of him still. Have you considered counselling? I'm being genuine. He's all the way in the wrong here and you need to stand up to him more not less! You'll always get one or two on here who work so hard to make the OP of the thread be wrong that I am surprised they have the strength to hold their phones up to type!

Monopolyiscrap · 06/02/2022 14:51

@Bobbins36 abuse towards the mother is not a reason to stop contact. It is shit, but if you want to keep your kids, you shouldn't go against a court order. You have to pursue legal means, and the family court default is always to allow contact unless the kids would be in real danger. Even then it usually has to be supervised contact.