Is this ok or am I being over sensitive?

[DaffodilDandilion]

We had a school event this morning. ExH has the children this weekend so I met them there. On arrival 5yo DD was only wearing tights and a standard length jumper so I said (without thinking) “oh! Where are your leggings?”. I had packed two pairs of tights with dresses for DD1 and two pairs of leggings with tops for DD2.

ExH snapped back loudly “they’re all she fucking had” in front of my friends from school and the teachers. I replied explaining what I had packed but he just said “yeah whatever” and strode off.

I’m just looking for some perspective. He was like this throughout our marriage and I don’t know if I’m just too sensitive or if this really isn’t ok, especially in front of the children. I’m trying to establish new boundaries now we live apart.

So YABU - his reaction is normal, you’re being sensitive

YANBU - he was rude to respond like that.

Thank you.

My friend literally had to 'pair' outfits and fold or roll them together in separate labeled cases order to see that her DC were dressed nicely. If she didn't he'd dress the DC in mismatched outfits or on the wrong child (ie too big/too small). He was a real prick too, and did it with the sole purpose of upsetting her. Didn't matter that the DC were upset too by going out looking ill-dressed. She didn't raise a stink with him, it just wasn't worth it. And as her Bubbie always said "From this, little children do not die".

I know you were surprised this time, but in future best to pick your battles.

I can see now that I shouldn’t have mentioned anything to him in public and I will be more careful with my words and tone in future so I don’t irritate him.

NO NO NO

OP I'm sorry but please tell your therapist that this is what you are thinking right now and see if she can help you see why this is so damaging to both you and your DC

Your follow-up posts show that he was physically and emotionally abusive to you.

If you go around walking on eggshells and trying not to upset him, then he is still abusing you.

It is a completely normal reaction to express alarm that your DD has been brought to school half-dressed and humiliated. You didn't do anything wrong. He's the one who needs to modify his behaviour and I hope you are making note of all these incidents because someday your DDs might need more protecting from him.

Oh dear. You sound quite controlled by and fearful of him still. Have you considered counselling?

Yes, thank you. I am receiving counselling and that was in part why I made this thread as I’m trying to challenge my perspective so I don’t always think I’m in the wrong.

Is it possible that your daughter didn't dare tell him or tried to & he wouldn't listen?

He is obviously not a nice person.I suggest instead of sending clothes each time put together a bundle each of warm winter clothes.Trousers,long sleeved tops and warm jumpers forget the tights and dresses for now.Plenty of underwear so he can dress them easily and avoid that discussion re clothes.If you look around there are bundles on EBay,etc so if he doesn’t return them it’s not a problem.When the children are older they will dress themselves.

He was and is abusive

He is not a positive person to spend time with your children

You’re still his victim and he has you where he wants you

Stand up for yourself, first by going to the Freedom Programme (in person if at all possible, it’s more effective)

Then allow yourself to get angry- because you will, then you won’t let him treat you or your girls like this again.

He could have called you about the clothes, but he chose not to.

Don’t stop contact as much as don’t make it any easier than absolutely bare minimum

He’ll start on them eventually

I can't believe those defending the arse ex.

Your ex is miserly, thicc, and aggressive.
Too cheap to buy his own children clothes for his house. Too thicc to figure out how to dress his own children. Aggressive twat embarrassing himself in front of others.

The only thing the other parents and teachers were thinking was well done on divorcing the twat.

@DaffodilDandilion

Oh dear. You sound quite controlled by and fearful of him still. Have you considered counselling?

Yes, thank you. I am receiving counselling and that was in part why I made this thread as I’m trying to challenge my perspective so I don’t always think I’m in the wrong.

Even if you were in the wrong ‘slightly’ by mentioning it in public his reaction was completely uncalled for and I bet you anything everyone who heard it realised why he’s not your ex! Don’t let him keep controlling you by being silent and not saying anything that might irritate him - your thoughts feelings words are every bit as worthy as his!

Child maintenance or not, if I was spoken to like that I would be making it plainly clear he is to purchase his own clothes for them and starting next month I wouldn’t be supplying them. Buying clothes for the kids might actually make him pay attention to which is which.

You need to set your boundaries. You’re still running around packing clothes, treading on eggshells, paying for everything essential and not having space for the nice to haves.

I get that you don’t want your children to go without when they are with him, but it’s the only language he will understand. Set a position on it and stand firm.

He would usually just say really unkind things picking on my insecurities (ie it’s no wonder no one likes you/ your family don’t care about you) or directly calling me names.

This jumped out at me.

My ex did this for years as part of an abusive relationship. He constantly put me down, implied no-one liked or cared about me, and while this was not true, it has eaten away at my confidence & self-esteem so that while I have got counselling & accept it's not valid, I still feel he effects of that.

I hope your counselling can help you see that he was abusive in your marriage & 'doing things wrong' now that you are apart is intended to force a reaction from you, as a further way to exercise control over you. 💐

Why he’s NOW your ex !
And what eejit takes his daughter to school dressed in jumper and tights? Could he not work it out for himself that “oh that can’t be right, maybe we’ll go with leggings or a dress instead”
His fault NOT yours!

Does he reduce his maintenance by a proportion because they spend some night with him? If so, he can buy their clothes for his weekends out of that proportion he has withheld. Saves your DDs having to take suitcases to stay with their dad and if he’s bought them, he’ll know what is for whom.

You are being too reasonable and conciliatory OP. He sounds like an arse. You are well rid.

He sounds highly abusive.

Have you spoken to anyone about his refusal to pay for any clothes or toiletries for his children when they live with him?

I think this is a safe guarding issue.

A child wearing only a pair of tights and sweater is not acceptable.

Have you spoken to Women's Aid about his treatment on you and your children?

I think you should.

You were a victim of domestic abuse in the marriage.

I think you should not let this go.

At least you have proof he’s an arsehole if you ever need it. What a dick!

@joopy79

YANBU but.....was it clear which clothes belong to each child?

Ffs set your bar a little higher in life. If you are surrounding yourself with child-adults who need this sort of detail explained then you really are selling yourself short

For the handful of posters that are defending the ex's reaction (that is what is being discussed, not the outfit) do you honestly think that is an acceptable way to communicate? Really?

If roles were reversed and the OPs post was something more along the lines of ..... " I was at a school event with my daughter when we were approached by my ex husband. He made remark that our daughter wasn't dressed appropriately, so I loudly told him "it's all she fucking has" he tried to say she has other clothes but I replied with "yeah, whatever ..." and walked off, leaving him to it ...."

Switching it round so you've lost all the context of an abusive past relationship, it still reads as a complete over reaction, one that should not be pandered to.

@OakPine

Mumsnet is appalling sometimes.

Too many posters on here concerned that poor dear ex-H had his judgement questioned in public. The poor dear!

The real question is why is he so incompetent as a parent. No-one should take a 5 year old out just wearing tights and a jumper, He needs to get organised himself, keep clothes at his house etc.

This! Absolutely, he’s a useless twat and he knows it, which is why he reacted the way he did. If my DC was dressed like that I’d most definitely have something to say and would’ve done as the OP did and gone to get her a skirt. I would also notice if one of their friends was dressed like that and wonder why as well as feeling sorry for the poor child!

Completely unreasonable of him! I feel for you as my exh is like this. I have to remind the kids to change their clothes every day before they visit him as, if he's left to it, they end up wearing 1 outfit including the same underwear every day!

As he is clearly too stupid to dress his children properly go by colour blue leggings blue top for one child red leggings red top for other child and as another poster suggested roll them up together put a sticker on with there name and day one and day two on them I mean your only being helpful as he is clearly incompetent

Or reusable bags so they can take a clean set our and put dirty clothing in im assuming he doesn't wash there clothing?