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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this ok or am I being over sensitive?

144 replies

DaffodilDandilion · 06/02/2022 11:34

We had a school event this morning. ExH has the children this weekend so I met them there. On arrival 5yo DD was only wearing tights and a standard length jumper so I said (without thinking) “oh! Where are your leggings?”. I had packed two pairs of tights with dresses for DD1 and two pairs of leggings with tops for DD2.

ExH snapped back loudly “they’re all she fucking had” in front of my friends from school and the teachers. I replied explaining what I had packed but he just said “yeah whatever” and strode off.

I’m just looking for some perspective. He was like this throughout our marriage and I don’t know if I’m just too sensitive or if this really isn’t ok, especially in front of the children. I’m trying to establish new boundaries now we live apart.

So YABU - his reaction is normal, you’re being sensitive

YANBU - he was rude to respond like that.

Thank you.

OP posts:
Marmm · 06/02/2022 12:01

You also don't know how stressful it had been for him to get them ready. It might have been a nightmare. Even so it doesn't excuse him talking to you like that and especially not infront of the children

wtfisgoingonhere21 · 06/02/2022 12:03

Well @DaffodilDandilion

He's shown his shorty colours to the people there hasn't he.

Don't be embarrassed op.

I'm pretty sure they will all be thinking what a prick he is.

I'm guessing that's why he's an ex op.

I would have been inclined to have said similar under my breath but loud enough for the friends nearby to hear.

wtfisgoingonhere21 · 06/02/2022 12:05

@Marmm

Don't really think having a stressful morning getting his own dc dressed should have any bearing on how his kids go out dressed and definitely not the way he spoke to op.

Give your head a wobble and don't make excuses for a rude incompetent parent eh

Original poster
DaffodilDandilion · 06/02/2022 12:08

Just responding to a few points…

He doesn’t have clothes for them there, only pyjamas. The CMS stipulated amount is a reasonably large amount of money as he is a high earner so he expects me to pay for everything the children need from that which is doable for me; I just can’t afford to do all the scoring things with him that he can but at least they get to do them.

DD does dress herself but I am involved in helping them choose their outfits because they are only little still.

DD was upset that she was only in tights, she was in her coat but it doesn’t fully cover her bottom hence me dashing home to get her a skirt.

I accept he may have had a stressful time getting them ready and that may excuse why he was so abrupt with me.

OP posts:
newbiename · 06/02/2022 12:11

No , no excuses. If you had a stressful time getting them ready would you have sworn at him ? N

WorriedGiraffe · 06/02/2022 12:11

@Marmm

He shouldn't have spoken to you like that no. However, I would have just accepted that that is how he has chosen to dress his daughter and he has shit parenting skills and not called it out then but had a quiet word later, like via email or however you usually communicate.
The child has a right to be dressed in proper clothes though, and not risk being embarrassed because a man is too lazy to dress his child properly, of course she shouldn’t have been made to walk around skirtless all day.

He was rude OP, but don’t be embarrassed, he will have only acted like that because HE was embarrassed that he did a bad job and you called him out on it, he’s the one who looked like an idiot here not you.

LagganBubble · 06/02/2022 12:14

YADNBU - swearing at you in front of children, teachers and other parents is massively inappropriate.

Bellringer · 06/02/2022 12:15

He's an arse. Do they like going? Not acceptable Rosen them out half dressed

WonderfulYou · 06/02/2022 12:16

YABU - you called him out in front of all these people first.
You can’t then act embarrassed that he responded.

Imagine if he met you there and asked why you dressed your child like that in front of everyone.

I would be fuming.

Bellringer · 06/02/2022 12:17

To send (rosen🙃😟

StarsAreWishes · 06/02/2022 12:19

The CMS stipulated amount is a reasonably large amount of money as he is a high earner so he expects me to pay for everything the children need from that which is doable for me

Fortunately for you, what he expects doesn’t have to have a bearing anymore.

Unless you have sole custody then the CMS payment assumes he is also providing. He should have clothes, toiletries, toys etc for them at his house, provided for by him. They are not visitors when they are at his house, they are at home.

MatildaTheCat · 06/02/2022 12:20

Firstly he was very rude and I’m certain everyone who heard will have thought so and that he was a twat.

Secondly, if, out of 4 garments he is unable to fathom which went together be extremely glad he’s your ex.

StarsAreWishes · 06/02/2022 12:21

@WonderfulYou

YABU - you called him out in front of all these people first. You can’t then act embarrassed that he responded.

Imagine if he met you there and asked why you dressed your child like that in front of everyone.

I would be fuming.

Seriously? If you turned up somewhere to find your child half naked, and embarrassed about it, your first instinct wouldn’t be to question it?
Original poster
DaffodilDandilion · 06/02/2022 12:22

YABU - you called him out in front of all these people first.
You can’t then act embarrassed that he responded.

This is fair enough, as I said, I said it without thinking because I was so surprised to see her there without trousers or a skirt on. I don’t think I was confrontational to him as it was directed directly at DD and said in what I thought was a lighthearted tone but as I spoke out in surprise my tone may have been harsher than I’d intended.

OP posts:
KaiKanWhenever · 06/02/2022 12:22

What @MatildaTheCat said!

YANBU - thank goodness you've moved on.

LimeSegment · 06/02/2022 12:23

She called him out because he took his kid outside without clothes!

I've had plenty of stressful mornings and I've never just brought my kid to school in underwear, if I did yes I would expect people to be saying wtf. It's the same as if he went to work wearing a business shirt and jocks - unacceptable.

KaiKanWhenever · 06/02/2022 12:25

Also the fact that you need to question whether you were being unreasonable with him when you were so clearly being reasonable, makes me think he must have really bullied you.

Hankunamatata · 06/02/2022 12:27

Can see both sides. He messed up only putting tights on her, you pointed it out infront of everyone instead of quietly taking them to one side - embarrassing your dd and your ex. Then you proceeded to embarrassing him more by explaining what you had packed, again infront of everyone. Not surprising he snapped back. If someone is cornered and embarrassed they go on the attack.

WonderfulYou · 06/02/2022 12:29

This is fair enough, as I said, I said it without thinking because I was so surprised to see her there without trousers or a skirt on. I don’t think I was confrontational to him as it was directed directly at DD and said in what I thought was a lighthearted tone but as I spoke out in surprise my tone may have been harsher than I’d intended.

But you still started it in front of all these friends and teachers you are so concerned about.

If you said it without thinking then he would have reacted without thinking.

Lots of people wear tights and jumpers.
A child could have easily got her skirt caught up under her coat.
Honestly no one would bat an eyelid at such a young child’s outfit but you brought attention to it.
You could have taken them to the side and mentioned it if you didn’t want her walking around like it.

I think your child was very embarrassed that their parents had a small argument in front of their teachers and friends. And you both need to make an effort to not do it again.

RedskyThisNight · 06/02/2022 12:29

@LimeSegment

She called him out because he took his kid outside without clothes!

I've had plenty of stressful mornings and I've never just brought my kid to school in underwear, if I did yes I would expect people to be saying wtf. It's the same as if he went to work wearing a business shirt and jocks - unacceptable.

The child was wearing jumper and tights - not the same at all. I don't actually see a difference between sending out a child in thick tights versus leggings - plenty of tights are actually less see through than some leggings! So the child might have been perfectly acceptably dressed from a modesty point of view. OP hasn't said either way.
Original poster
DaffodilDandilion · 06/02/2022 12:30

Can see both sides. He messed up only putting tights on her, you pointed it out infront of everyone instead of quietly taking them to one side - embarrassing your dd and your ex. Then you proceeded to embarrassing him more by explaining what you had packed, again infront of everyone. Not surprising he snapped back. If someone is cornered and embarrassed they go on the attack.

Yes, fair enough. I probably shouldn’t have mentioned anything. I wasn’t trying to be critical. It just slipped out because I was surprised but I’ll be more cautious if anything like this happens again.

OP posts:
M0RVEN · 06/02/2022 12:31

@StarsAreWishes

The CMS stipulated amount is a reasonably large amount of money as he is a high earner so he expects me to pay for everything the children need from that which is doable for me

Fortunately for you, what he expects doesn’t have to have a bearing anymore.

Unless you have sole custody then the CMS payment assumes he is also providing. He should have clothes, toiletries, toys etc for them at his house, provided for by him. They are not visitors when they are at his house, they are at home.

This.

And I agree that anyone who heard him speaking to you like that will think he’s an arsehole.

RedCandyApple · 06/02/2022 12:31

Honestly no one would bat an eyelid at such a young child’s outfit but you brought attention to it.

I agree, no one would have noticed! The child was wearing a coat! I really find it hard to believe that many people would have noticed or cared.

Janek · 06/02/2022 12:31

I'd like to think that he'd be more cautious so something like this doesn't happen again!

LittleOwl153 · 06/02/2022 12:34

My response to this would be that he needs to source his own clothes for the children in the future.

Poor kid - even at 5 she would have known she was not properly dressed. Anyone else they saw before you would also have seen what a poor state he had let her out in...