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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is this ok or am I being over sensitive?

144 replies

DaffodilDandilion · 06/02/2022 11:34

We had a school event this morning. ExH has the children this weekend so I met them there. On arrival 5yo DD was only wearing tights and a standard length jumper so I said (without thinking) “oh! Where are your leggings?”. I had packed two pairs of tights with dresses for DD1 and two pairs of leggings with tops for DD2.

ExH snapped back loudly “they’re all she fucking had” in front of my friends from school and the teachers. I replied explaining what I had packed but he just said “yeah whatever” and strode off.

I’m just looking for some perspective. He was like this throughout our marriage and I don’t know if I’m just too sensitive or if this really isn’t ok, especially in front of the children. I’m trying to establish new boundaries now we live apart.

So YABU - his reaction is normal, you’re being sensitive

YANBU - he was rude to respond like that.

Thank you.

OP posts:

Original poster

DaffodilDandilion · 06/02/2022 12:34

I think your child was very embarrassed that their parents had a small argument in front of their teachers and friends. And you both need to make an effort to not do it again.

Fair point. I try ever so hard not to disagree with him because in ten years of marriage and 2 of being separated I’ve never ‘won’ an argument and I end up getting upset. I should have been more careful to not criticise him.

OP posts:

Pancakeorcrepe · 06/02/2022 12:35

@Marmm so you would leave your daughter in a standard length jumper and tights? Do you dress like that?
OP he is absolutely useless and obviously an ex for good reason. Don’t let him make you doubt yourself. He sounds like one of those lazy fuckers who can’t engage their brain. It shows such a lack of care for his little girls, very off-putting.

GoodbyeKat · 06/02/2022 12:36

See it from his perspective he has the kids and what you did was criticise him.
You can’t critics and expect your ex to say yes dear you’re right I’m in the wrong! Ex’s can be bitter. Did you really have to point out his mistake?

Newbabynewhouse · 06/02/2022 12:39

Oh dear poor child...

greenlynx · 06/02/2022 12:39

I don’t think you did anything wrong at all. Of course, you were surprised to see DD half dressed. There is no excuse at all to talking like this to you even without anyone present. I would make a note of this just in case for the future.
I bet he himself wasn’t just in shirt and boxers.

Dumblebum · 06/02/2022 12:41

Good lord what with the victim blaming on here?

Op it wasn’t your fault and you did nothing wrong, Christ if I saw my child just in tights with her bum visible I’d kick right off and then some. What a fucking twat he is, and to respond like that? Gaslighting arsehole

Criticise him, don’t be scared of this weirdo. You did nothing wrong. It was all him.

WorriedGiraffe · 06/02/2022 12:41

@GoodbyeKat

See it from his perspective he has the kids and what you did was criticise him. You can’t critics and expect your ex to say yes dear you’re right I’m in the wrong! Ex’s can be bitter. Did you really have to point out his mistake?

I’d say yes because the child’s bum was on show, or should she have let the kid go around embarrassed and half naked to avoid embarrassing her adult father?

GracieLouFreeebush · 06/02/2022 12:42

Then wouldn’t they have said something before leaving the house if they noticed? (The child that is?)
Because she’s a child and her dad quite clearly over reacts.

blyn72 · 06/02/2022 12:46

He defiitely should not have embarrassed you in public.

billy1966 · 06/02/2022 12:46

@PoppyFleur

Don’t be embarrassed about how he spoke to you. The embarrassment belongs to him and he alone. He is showing his true colours in public. Had I witnessed that scenario my only thought would be one of compassion for you and contempt for him.

Absolutely this.

Those that will have witnessed this will have righly clocked that he is a nasty piece of work.

You may yet find the show he made of himself useful.

Particularly as your children's teacher's were witness to this display.

You can be sure they know now why you divorced him.

Well done

OakPine · 06/02/2022 12:51

Mumsnet is appalling sometimes.

Too many posters on here concerned that poor dear ex-H had his judgement questioned in public. The poor dear!

The real question is why is he so incompetent as a parent. No-one should take a 5 year old out just wearing tights and a jumper, He needs to get organised himself, keep clothes at his house etc.

CyberNan · 06/02/2022 12:51

some men are just fooking useless.

accept it otherwise you are going to be pissed off until your children turn 18 and you can finally stop having any type of relationship with him.

SemperIdem · 06/02/2022 12:53

He sounds like an arsehole. A lazy arsehole who can’t be bothered to dress his young child properly. Dressing children adequately is an absolute basic.

ButWhereDidTheWindComeFrom · 06/02/2022 12:54

@PoppyFleur

this a million times. What a fucking moron to not even be able to match up some clothes. Does he go to work in his knickers?

Fucking cockwomble.

Dishwashersaurous · 06/02/2022 12:56

Don't be upset about how he spoke to you. It reflects badly on him not you.

However, why didn't the child not get themselves dressed. Surely they know what are their clothes?

ButWhereDidTheWindComeFrom · 06/02/2022 12:56

Oh- and if you have had (or may in the future) to go to court over custody arrangements make sure you take a full and complete note of what happened and his verbally abusive reaction to you in public. Mke a note of who witnessed it including your children. With men like this it never hurts to have a little file on their behaviour. It shows a pattern.

Pluvia · 06/02/2022 12:57

@RedCandyApple

Then wouldn’t they have said something before leaving the house if they noticed? (The child that is?)

With a snappy, bad-tempered father like that? No, I imagine they just do what they're told.

SeaToSki · 06/02/2022 12:57

He took his 5 yr old daughter out of the house in just underwear on her bottom half and a jumper that didnt cover her bum. That is appalling and neglectful. She was embarrassed and could easily have been cold as well or subject to people staring at her. It wasnt even an emergency trip to the supermarket for food or something, she was going to a planned school event. What planet is he on? Dreadful parenting and he should have worked out a different solution before leaving the house with her. But no, the 5 yr old has to suffer because he is too important/busy/angry to lower himself to parenting properly.

Marmm · 06/02/2022 12:58

@OakPine

Mumsnet is appalling sometimes.

Too many posters on here concerned that poor dear ex-H had his judgement questioned in public. The poor dear!

The real question is why is he so incompetent as a parent. No-one should take a 5 year old out just wearing tights and a jumper, He needs to get organised himself, keep clothes at his house etc.

I didn't say his incompetence shouldn't be challenged. I just think that wasn't the place, he has form for being a dick so I think in writing after the event was the better idea. If I were OP I'd use it as an excuse to further reduce his contact. If she is concerned then perhaps he needs to have supervised visits so a proper adult can help him dress his child.

Jumpalicious · 06/02/2022 12:58

Agree with @PoppyFleur. No one is going to judge you, so NOTHING for you to be embarrassed about. It is him who should be embarrassed. But he’s clearly such an idiot that he probably doesn’t give it any thought. You sound like a lovely mum and your focus is on ensuring your kids are happy. Everyone will know this. If anything I’d feel compassion for you and think the dad was a moron.

ButWhereDidTheWindComeFrom · 06/02/2022 13:01

@Marmm

You also don't know how stressful it had been for him to get them ready. It might have been a nightmare. Even so it doesn't excuse him talking to you like that and especially not infront of the children

Seriousy? I bet there is not a mother on this thread who has not felt stressed yet still managed to get their child dressed. It's called the most very most basic bit of aprenting. That and occasionally slinging them some food.

Why is the bar so fucking low for men?

Itwasntmeright · 06/02/2022 13:03

Not only was he being an absolute twat, he’s managed to show himself up in front of all those other people. And not realizing which clothes go with which is no bloody excuse, no competent adult doesn’t know that tights are inadequate on their own. If I had a child to care for and I didn’t think they had adequate clothing to keep them warm, I’d sort something out so they weren’t cold, even if it wasn’t my own child and I had to go to the shop and buy something. He’s a dick.

And OP, next time you’re wondering if somebody else’s behavior is reasonable or not, think what you would reasonably do under the circumstances, that’s your yardstick. Don’t second-guess yourself just because he’s a nasty negligent bastard.

Marmm · 06/02/2022 13:03

@ButWhereDidTheWindComeFrom I've had to dress my child in some very odd outfits and if someone had criticised me I would have felt like bursting into tears as sometimes it is hard enough just to get everyone out on time.

Dishwashersaurous · 06/02/2022 13:03

Actually the most concerning thing here is that a child wasn't able to tell her father that she wasn't dressed properly. And didn't feel able to put the correct clothes on.

That's what op needs to focus on

Marmm · 06/02/2022 13:04

I wouldn't have yelled at them though

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