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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this ok or am I being over sensitive?

144 replies

DaffodilDandilion · 06/02/2022 11:34

We had a school event this morning. ExH has the children this weekend so I met them there. On arrival 5yo DD was only wearing tights and a standard length jumper so I said (without thinking) “oh! Where are your leggings?”. I had packed two pairs of tights with dresses for DD1 and two pairs of leggings with tops for DD2.

ExH snapped back loudly “they’re all she fucking had” in front of my friends from school and the teachers. I replied explaining what I had packed but he just said “yeah whatever” and strode off.

I’m just looking for some perspective. He was like this throughout our marriage and I don’t know if I’m just too sensitive or if this really isn’t ok, especially in front of the children. I’m trying to establish new boundaries now we live apart.

So YABU - his reaction is normal, you’re being sensitive

YANBU - he was rude to respond like that.

Thank you.

OP posts:
WonderfulYou · 06/02/2022 13:06

Too many posters on here concerned that poor dear ex-H had his judgement questioned in public. The poor dear!

The real question is why is he so incompetent as a parent. No-one should take a 5 year old out just wearing tights and a jumper, He needs to get organised himself, keep clothes at his house etc.

OPs question is about his reaction, not the way her DC was dressed.

So OP feels his reaction is worse than the issue of her DD not being dressed - therefore posters are answering her question.

I’m not sure why you are twisting OPs thread into something that wasn’t even asked.
If she wanted to know whether he should have put a skirt on her then that would have been her question and people would have agreed with her but that’s not what she’s asking.

PinkSyCo · 06/02/2022 13:07

He probably got on the defensive because he felt you showed him up in front of everyone. That’s not really an excuse to swear at you like that though. Your poor children must have been mortified.

Mellowyellow222 · 06/02/2022 13:07

@joopy79

YANBU but.....was it clear which clothes belong to each child?
This is the sort of society bullshit that has no place in 2022.

This man should manage clothes for his children - not rely on his ex wife to buy, wash, pack and label clothes so that he has to put minimal effort into parenting.

Why do we expect so little from men? We giggle at the hapless man who can’t be arsed to learn the difference between tights and leggings.

If a mum sent her son out in pants because she thought they were shorts I don’t think anyone would be asking the dad if he labelled the clothes and explained things clearly to the mum

FabriqueBelgique · 06/02/2022 13:09

@DaffodilDandilion

YANBU but.....was it clear which clothes belong to each child?

You make a fair point, to me it would be obvious to our leggings with tops and tights with dresses but I assume he didn’t realise/ just grabbed whatever he found first yesterday and was stuck with what was left today.

It wasn’t a huge issue though, I popped home to get DD a skirt to wear over her tights and she was fine. I was just left feeling really embarrassed that he had spoken to me like that in front of so many people I know.

They’ll all have seen his type before and will be judging him, not you!
Original poster
DaffodilDandilion · 06/02/2022 13:11

So OP feels his reaction is worse than the issue of her DD not being dressed - therefore posters are answering her question.

I don’t think his response to me was a bigger deal than the fact my daughter was in tights and a jumper.
I felt that my unhappiness about her state of dress was so justified than I didn’t need reassurance from strangers.
My issue is how to deal with his reaction to me. I’m having counselling at the moment to help me with various issues stemming from my marriage and I wanted to know if I was justified in being hurt.
I can see now that I shouldn’t have mentioned anything to him in public and I will be more careful with my words and tone in future so I don’t irritate him.

OP posts:
Mojoj · 06/02/2022 13:12

He's a rude, ignorant prick. You are well rid.

Ivyonafence · 06/02/2022 13:13

He sounds like a prick. I'm sure everyone around you was thinking that divorcing him was a lucky break for you.

If he's a high earner why can't he buy leggings for his own DD?

I feel sorry for your DD having her father make a scene at school, not dress her properly and begrudge her a few pounds worth of clothing at his house while being a high earner.

TeaStory · 06/02/2022 13:14

I will be more careful with my words and tone in future so I don’t irritate him.

Sounds like walking on eggshells. You’re divorced, but still having to manage his poor behaviour? You can only take responsibility for your own behaviour, not his reactions. It sounds like your daughter has also learned not to say anything to him, even though she felt embarrassed by her state of undress. I don’t get how he can be a father for 5+ years and still not know how to dress his child.

kitkatsky · 06/02/2022 13:17

It was exactly because of this that I stopped providing clothes when my son went to his dad's. If you had really only sent that what stopped him popping to Primark or the supermarket and picking up something for her to wear with it?

Newbabynewhouse · 06/02/2022 13:17

ButWhereDidTheWindComeFrom

Exactly! Men are praised like children when they do somehting right...women are just expected to get on with it and know it all

AnotherDelphinium · 06/02/2022 13:22

Next time he has them, don’t send anything with them. If this is his attitude and he can’t tell the difference between tights and leggings, a five year old being uncomfortable in public, and how to talk to you, stop sending stuff.

He should be providing clothes, toiletries etc whilst on his time, especially if he’s only paying CMS amount. If parents get on well they’ll send a Trunki, but not to be subject to this sort of abuse!

Original poster
DaffodilDandilion · 06/02/2022 13:28

Next time he has them, don’t send anything with them.

I couldn’t do that. It wouldn’t be fair to the children, not to mention how angry he would be with me.

OP posts:
Scabetty · 06/02/2022 13:29

It doesn't matter about your question he was rude to respond as he did. Made himself look like a bully.

M0RVEN · 06/02/2022 13:31

@DaffodilDandilion

Next time he has them, don’t send anything with them.

I couldn’t do that. It wouldn’t be fair to the children, not to mention how angry he would be with me.

What would he do if he was angry with you ? If we know what you are scared of, we might be able to suggest other ways of managing him.
Scabetty · 06/02/2022 13:32

Don’t change your tone or voice. Tell him to change his. You are not responsible for his reactions and don’t have to accept them. Tell him not to talk to you like that and use a civil tone in front of the children.

WonderfulYou · 06/02/2022 13:33

My issue is how to deal with his reaction to me.

Just draw a line in the sand and in future don’t argue in front of the kids.

Unless they are in immediate danger just bite your tongue.
If you need to talk to him about something then do it when the children aren’t there.

One of the hardest things in the world is co-parenting.

If you both keep nit picking or arguing with each other then it might be worth trying to have a proper conversation when the children aren’t there to stop the pettiness - he definitely needs some changes of clothes at his but you need to let him dress his child however he wants to when it’s his turn.

Staffy1 · 06/02/2022 13:34

He was rude, but it only makes him look like the arse he is, not you.

StarsAreWishes · 06/02/2022 13:35

I try ever so hard not to disagree with him because in ten years of marriage and 2 of being separated I’ve never ‘won’ an argument and I end up getting upset. I should have been more careful to not criticise him.

Please consider talking this through with your therapist. You honestly shouldn’t be having to constantly modify your behaviour to avoid setting him off.

Cherrysoup · 06/02/2022 13:37

Only he should be embarrassed, swearing in front of his children/teachers.

Original poster
DaffodilDandilion · 06/02/2022 13:37

What would he do if he was angry with you ? If we know what you are scared of, we might be able to suggest other ways of managing him.

He would usually just say really unkind things picking on my insecurities (ie it’s no wonder no one likes you/ your family don’t care about you) or directly calling me names.

He used to use the silent treatment for days on end but that doesn’t have the same impact now we live apart.

He has on occasion been a bit physical, closing doors on my hand, holding a shower head in my face with the water running but there isn’t such a risk now I have my own home.

OP posts:
HippeePrincess · 06/02/2022 13:38

Stop trying to placate this twat that thank goodness you aren't even with any more.
Give him a weeks notice that following this incident you will no longer provide clothing for when he has the children. If he is buying the outfits he will know what's supposed to go together and it will avoid all this.
I don't care how much maintenance he pays he should be able to provide a couple of weekend outfits!

Ponoka7 · 06/02/2022 13:41

I'm surprised that a staff member didn't pick up on his swearing. It took a while for my DD to not say things in front of the children when they were wearing strange combinations. You know next time. She had to put the outfits in separate carrier bags, labeled, in the bag to go to their dad's. The posters suggesting not sending anything obviously have no experience of angry men and not wanting to subject your children to what will happen. My DD's ex thought nothing of phoning her to call her all the stupid bitches going while the children were in the car and no, that wasn't enough for the court to repremand him. Whatever he thought he didn't have was in the bottom of the bag. Things have got better only because the eldest can manage her own stuff. They've been refusing to go half of the time. The children eventually vote with their feet.

NoSquirrels · 06/02/2022 13:43

I wanted to know if I was justified in being hurt.

He’s a rude twat. So for your own sanity you have to assume he’s going to be rude to you. Try to let it wash over you and not be hurt. It’s why you divorced him - so you don’t need to be hurt by him anymore.

I can see now that I shouldn’t have mentioned anything to him in public and I will be more careful with my words and tone in future so I don’t irritate him.
Fuck that! He took your DD out half dressed. You were perfectly entitled to be surprised and mention it.

Anyone looking on will see he’s an incompetent father and a rude twat.

It’s not you. It’s him.

ButWhereDidTheWindComeFrom · 06/02/2022 13:46

@WonderfulYou

My issue is how to deal with his reaction to me.

Just draw a line in the sand and in future don’t argue in front of the kids.

Unless they are in immediate danger just bite your tongue.
If you need to talk to him about something then do it when the children aren’t there.

One of the hardest things in the world is co-parenting.

If you both keep nit picking or arguing with each other then it might be worth trying to have a proper conversation when the children aren’t there to stop the pettiness - he definitely needs some changes of clothes at his but you need to let him dress his child however he wants to when it’s his turn.

When dealing with a reasonable person that is great advice. But the ex here sounds absuive and angry and knows exactly how to keep the OP under his control- still.

I'd be so tempted to laugh in his face and tell him he made a fool of himself in public, but he sounds erratic and violent. And like he is the sort to take it out on the kids. (Mind you, I used to work in a domestic abuse shelter so see things immediately from the worst possible case). But the OP is clearly still utterly terrified of him. And he knows it.

QuirkyTurtle · 06/02/2022 13:46

He was completely out of line to shout at you like that. You're not being unreasonable for thinking that.

That being said I suspect that very often posters on here phrase things in a way that makes them look good and makes the ex look bad. Who knows how these things were actually phrased.

Unless she was freezing to death I don't really see that much of a problem with dad dressing her in what he sees fit. My SO would barely know the difference between tights and leggings.