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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be confused as to why I am excluded?

999 replies

yesitssea · 05/02/2022 23:42

My friends 50th.

She was my best pal through uni. And afterwards. We lived together in a flat share too for a few years.

Saw her normally over the past year (2 or 3 times) text her happy birthday last week and she replied really friendly like 'thanks, hope we can meet up soon!'.

I go on Facebook today and her and all of our friends are away celebrating her 50th in a hotel. I am gobsmacked. There are even people there who are more my friends than hers. Our old work colleagues. Our joint friends.

I just can't understand it. It's bizarre. She's must have known about it for months. We caught up before christmas and nothing was mentioned.

She does have a history of occasionally singling one person out and excluding them for a while. She likes to be the organiser of weekends away etc.

Im wondering if it's my turn. She's done it to another of our friends and we all noticed and just purposefully made sure that person was forwarded on the invitation every event that was organised.

Can you help me understand what's gone on here? It's so weird. Am I the pariah this time?

Even my Mum said to me 'oh Kerry's 50th looks fab, why didn't you go?' As she had seen pics on Facebook. So awkward.

OP posts:
Notlivinglife · 06/02/2022 09:18

@yesitssea how mean and disgusting of your so called friend to do this to you and making her gathering public on FB for all to see. Rubbing salt into the wounds.
She sounds like a very toxic, passive aggressive. I would call her out on it or give her a taste of her own.
I have work colleagues that sound just like her. They are like a pack of Wolves!
Be strong and stand up for yourself. X

Happymum12345 · 06/02/2022 09:19

This isn’t how friends should behave. It’s hurtful and unkind. Treat others as you would be treated. I say this to my class of 6 year olds.

Theblacksheepandme · 06/02/2022 09:19

SNUG2022
Yes dh's group split off with a new group chat, meet ups etc. They made a breakaway group on the sly. Some people are in both, some not

Men can be bitches too then. Did you DH call them out on it?

Oblomov22 · 06/02/2022 09:20

The more you tell us the worse this gets. Do you have enough self worth to realise that this must stop?

whysonasty · 06/02/2022 09:22

@Lampzade Yes, I know. But ages doesn't stop people from being cowards and craving acceptance at whatever cost. I've called people out for this sort of thing before and I can say it's only meant I've then taken the place of the excluded and the person I was defending has joined the throng and said nothing. It's total shit. But it happens.

whysonasty · 06/02/2022 09:22

*age doesn't stop

TheBestofTimesTheWorstofTimes · 06/02/2022 09:23

I've got Margaret from RHOJ on my mind reading this thread 😁
Outwardly so calm, reasonable and 'sweet'. But like a viper ready to strike and sneer when she wants control.

V upsetting OP. I agree not to confront, just drop her. Much more effective with drama queens

Rubyupbeat · 06/02/2022 09:24

Why haven't others, you included, dug her out before, for excluding other friends. I wouldn't associate with a person like this, someone who treats others like shite.

pictish · 06/02/2022 09:26

She will want your friends to become her friends. It’s not good enough that they’re her friends as well she wants them to be her friends instead. Having you there would threaten her sense of ownership.
Some people don’t value their place unless they have beaten someone else to gain it. They don’t want to share, they want to replace.
It’s about control.

I could be wrong of course…but suspect this is why you were left out. You’re a threat.

AngeliaFields01 · 06/02/2022 09:26

I would I post under the photos wow you really are a shit friend aren't you

Tricked2003 · 06/02/2022 09:28

I would cut contact but not before I made it clear to my other friends in the group that I hadn't been invited, rather than didn't attend.

whirlycarly · 06/02/2022 09:29

Urgh. Also been on the receiving end. It stings. It's confusing because you know you'd never behave that way and you can't make sense of it. I give any of these types a massive wide berth these days as soon as I spot it. If someone falls out with people constantly, it's going to be your turn at some stage.

All you can really do, unless you're going all in to challenge this (and have the emotional energy to deal with it) is act with quiet dignity and extricate yourself. If you like the others, stay in contact and I bet the truth outs very soon without you needing to ask.

She's done it for a reaction, don't give her the reaction.

ElleEmby · 06/02/2022 09:29

She’s obviously got some kind of charisma that makes people dance to her tune but I agree sounds deep down like a very unsettled or unhappy person. Tough to do when your social lives are intertwined but it sounds like it’s time to get rid.

Cleanbedlinen12 · 06/02/2022 09:29

I’d go out with the people that were more my friends and get them talking about the weekend then it may come up naturally as in they may say why didn’t you come? I’d be very positive about it all and then just not mention it to her. You’d be giving her attention like other pps have said, and would be unlikely to get a decent reply.
😅You could invite everyone else out to a BETTER time and post pictures of you havening MORE fun!

mumda · 06/02/2022 09:33

Anyone who asks why you weren't there needs to know you weren't invited.

What a load of witches.

I would want shut of them all.

MsTSwift · 06/02/2022 09:34

Whenever I’ve felt left out I’ve held an even better event and left that person out and invited new people or those I’d like to know better. It’s great! And you have fun. Success is the best revenge. Oh and don’t post snarky stuff on her social media makes you look needy and bitter. Onwards and upwards.

CotswoldWoolly · 06/02/2022 09:36

I am usually in that that 3% and at times it has caused untold stress for me, it is amazing how others will deny even when they are a victim, but I would still do it again.
Same here @Faevern, but over the last year or so, I have stopped being the one to stand up. COVID made me think ‘fuck this shit’.
In the past I’ve suffered some horrible attacks from people, smear campaigns, etc, for calling them out. Now I just disengage. By and large they don’t learn and don’t change, and it’s much better for my mental health to just withdraw.

ESGdance · 06/02/2022 09:37

@starfishmummy

However the excluded people (which never lasts for long) are generally the more confident settled folk.

If I had a "friend" who played these games, then I would be excluding myself permanently

This is the interesting piece - that they are not excluded for long - it’s a power game to put people in their place so that she is always queen bee and no one threatens her position.

Your power now is silence ….. because she will crack and try to hoover you back in as she does to others …. and when that time comes ….. more silence - that will throw her. Don’t do anything now because she would love the hurt / angry reaction - that’s exactly why she did what she did to hurt you and make you angry. Don’t give her the pleasure of knowing that.

Some people are so empty and emotionally inadequate that they need to push others down just to keep themselves afloat.

I would consider her gone. You don’t need to know her “reason” - asking is just handing her a stick to beat you with. The reason is because SHE is toxic. She is the common denominator.

Don’t do anything dramatic because this will give her to opportunity to ask “is there anything wrong” and she will twist and feast on your answer with the rest of the group.

Beyond silence and withdrawal the only decision you have to make now is what to do about the rest of the group. Are there individuals you want to have a friendship with? Would you arrange a group event and exclude Miss Toxic? Are these other friends worth it? Would this even work?

MyGlassKeepsLeaking · 06/02/2022 09:37

She's not a friend. She's a mean, manipulative cow, by the sounds of it. I couldn't be bothered with someone like that.

ESGdance · 06/02/2022 09:38

@MsTSwift

Whenever I’ve felt left out I’ve held an even better event and left that person out and invited new people or those I’d like to know better. It’s great! And you have fun. Success is the best revenge. Oh and don’t post snarky stuff on her social media makes you look needy and bitter. Onwards and upwards.
Brilliant approach do this.

Love this Success is the best revenge

Flickflak · 06/02/2022 09:39

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

Pamlar · 06/02/2022 09:39

I think you've answered your own question. She enjoys the power of dropping friends.
Mute her on sm and don't give her the drama she enjoys. Despite your long history, I personally would back away completely bc who needs the drama and upset?

MrsLargeEmbodied · 06/02/2022 09:41

not worth your time by the sound of it op

Lovemusic33 · 06/02/2022 09:41

This is the reason I struggle with friendships with women, they can be so bitchy. I would like more female friends but can’t cope with this kind of thing. Most of my friends are male and it’s so much easier. My best friend from school started leaving me out of things and posting it all over Facebook, gave me no reason at all (I don’t think I did anything wrong), I haven’t spoken to her for years as I can’t deal with the drama, she’s recently moved in on my road, just a few doors away and does her best to avoid me.

IncompleteSenten · 06/02/2022 09:43

Don't give her the satisfaction of a reaction.

Forget about her and focus on other friends.