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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be confused as to why I am excluded?

999 replies

yesitssea · 05/02/2022 23:42

My friends 50th.

She was my best pal through uni. And afterwards. We lived together in a flat share too for a few years.

Saw her normally over the past year (2 or 3 times) text her happy birthday last week and she replied really friendly like 'thanks, hope we can meet up soon!'.

I go on Facebook today and her and all of our friends are away celebrating her 50th in a hotel. I am gobsmacked. There are even people there who are more my friends than hers. Our old work colleagues. Our joint friends.

I just can't understand it. It's bizarre. She's must have known about it for months. We caught up before christmas and nothing was mentioned.

She does have a history of occasionally singling one person out and excluding them for a while. She likes to be the organiser of weekends away etc.

Im wondering if it's my turn. She's done it to another of our friends and we all noticed and just purposefully made sure that person was forwarded on the invitation every event that was organised.

Can you help me understand what's gone on here? It's so weird. Am I the pariah this time?

Even my Mum said to me 'oh Kerry's 50th looks fab, why didn't you go?' As she had seen pics on Facebook. So awkward.

OP posts:
NiceTwin · 06/02/2022 08:55

My family did this to me, all invited except me. Yes, I live away from them but them so does my niece who was invited.

I did say on the family WhatsApp group that it was nice to have been invited. Had some meaningless, vacuous responses and then I removed myself from the group.

The irony is, I was nc with twin for 12 years and was told about every gathering going. Now I am back in the fold, so to speak, I am excluded.

So my advice, fuck her, block and don't give her a second more of your thoughts.
It is very liberating to block and move on, you'll find you don't actually miss her given time.

Lightning020 · 06/02/2022 08:55

Just ask her outright.

Chickychickydodah · 06/02/2022 08:55

I’d post on her face book, thanks for the invite then block her. Weird or not she’s not your friend !

Smartiepants79 · 06/02/2022 08:57

@ihateliningup

I can't believe any of you are still friends with her. 30 years of this shit!
This There’s been a couple of similar threads on here recently. Stories of friends who are just awfully behaved and yet people are still friends with them!! Why?
diddl · 06/02/2022 08:57

"‘She's done it to another of our friends and we all noticed and just purposefully made sure that person was forwarded on the invitation every event that was organised.’"

Yet everyone accepted this & still wanted to be her friend??

I suppose they couldn't invite you to her 50th, but they could have warned you?

Or maybe she pre empted them?

Although then why did no one say "aw, shame you can't go"?

CounsellorTroi · 06/02/2022 08:59

I’ve been here and it hurts. I’m sorry OP. I would be very tempted to comment on the photo “my invitation must have got lost in the post” but would probably end up not doing it.

whysonasty · 06/02/2022 09:00

@pictish is right. And the study cited by @UserBot9to5 is depressing as hell. People don't rock the boat because they know it would mean they'll then take the place of the excluded one. They may hate the politics and hate the fact people such as the OP have been left out in the cold, but they won't risk speaking up because they know how shit it is being left out. Even to the point of helping throw the excluded one under the bus. It's sad and pathetic but it's life.

FlamingRoses · 06/02/2022 09:00

I had a ‘friend’ like this IN HIGH SCHOOL. I was 15 when I decided I’d had enough and although I see her around and on SM, she is not my friend.

This woman is 50! You do not deserve this.

MyNameIsArthur · 06/02/2022 09:03

She's done it to another of our friends and we all noticed and just purposefully made sure that person was forwarded on the invitation every event that was organised

Why then did your other friends not forward on the invitation to you on this occasion?

Also, why have none of you in the past confronted her about this bullying behaviour?

I think you should confront her about it now. How unpleasant.

Lampzade · 06/02/2022 09:03

[quote whysonasty]**@pictish* is right. And the study cited by @UserBot9to5* is depressing as hell. People don't rock the boat because they know it would mean they'll then take the place of the excluded one. They may hate the politics and hate the fact people such as the OP have been left out in the cold, but they won't risk speaking up because they know how shit it is being left out. Even to the point of helping throw the excluded one under the bus. It's sad and pathetic but it's life.[/quote]
That is understandable when they are fifteen, but this a bunch of fifty ( or so)year old women.

CrimbleCrumble1 · 06/02/2022 09:04

If you think of yourself as close enough to be in the 50th country hotel gang is seems a bit funny that all you did for your ‘friend’s’ 50th is send a text.

LakieLady · 06/02/2022 09:04

Why not just ask her?

Gowithme · 06/02/2022 09:04

I wonder if it's because she's invited a lot of people she knows are more friendly with you - and so if you're there she might not be the centre of attention as much as she wants.

MarshmallowSwede · 06/02/2022 09:04

A 50 year old woman behaving this way is pathetic.

If I were you I wouldn’t even ask. I would just cut contact. She’s not your friend

blameless · 06/02/2022 09:05

@yesitssea

Some very judgemental comments here, it does sometimes take a long time before things 'slot into place' and we spot patterns of behaviour in those close to us - they are best placed to blindside us.

For some reason the reasonable feel obliged sometimes to protect the guilty - I didn't notice this until I jumped in to try to stop a friend from revealing her father's alcoholism to my mother who is a friend of his.

If you choose to be, you can be released and enjoy the rest of your days without this poisonous person in your life.
Good luck.

MsTSwift · 06/02/2022 09:06

Weird mean and pathetic

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 06/02/2022 09:07
Flowers
butterpuffed · 06/02/2022 09:08

She does it because she can.
She does it because it amuses her.
She does it because she gets away with it.

Please block her and don't even think of telling her you were upset, that's what she wants to hear.

RG2468 · 06/02/2022 09:09

She’s still an immature and insecure child.

Retisestress · 06/02/2022 09:09

@DiddyHeck

Im wondering if it's my turn. She's done it to another of our friends and we all noticed and just purposefully made sure that person was forwarded on the invitation every event that was organised.

Can you help me understand what's gone on here? It's so weird. Am I the pariah this time?

What's going on here is that you and your friends have let her get away with this appalling behaviour so she's never had to stop it.

What I don't understand is why you all think it's ok?

Agree…she is obviously someone who enjoys playing psychological games with her friends! She should’ve been called out a long time ago by all of you !!
pictish · 06/02/2022 09:11

“Can we start a Call Out People’s Bullshit movement?!”

People are so…polite. We put up with a lot of shite in the name of being polite. No one wants to be viewed as the aggressor.

And interestingly, while I’m speaking out about group dynamics and people’s reluctance to rock the boat, I am one such ‘aggressor’. I have been caught up in this sort of bullshit and did confront.
Unsurprisingly, I was neatly ejected from the group. It had a devastating impact on me.

I’m 46 now, I spot these types and know to avoid. I’d love to see a Calling Out Bullshit movement but it takes a brave soul to crack that nut.

pictish · 06/02/2022 09:12

@Gowithme

I wonder if it's because she's invited a lot of people she knows are more friendly with you - and so if you're there she might not be the centre of attention as much as she wants.
Quite probably.
MrsDamonSalvatore · 06/02/2022 09:15

Don’t just mute her, block her and drop her. Who needs such such a toxic and mean-spirited person in their lives?

Faevern · 06/02/2022 09:15

@UserBot9to5 Anyway, it's true, 97% of people won't rock the boat that they're in. If they want to be in that boat.

I am usually in that that 3% and at times it has caused untold stress for me, it is amazing how others will deny even when they are a victim, but I would still do it again.

@yesitssea how will your friends react if you confront this?

SeaWitchly · 06/02/2022 09:17

I had this happen once with a 'friend's' wedding - she told me it was only close family invited [which I was fine with and was happy to help her with pre-wedding arrangements, more fool me] but I learnt later that other, mutual friends were invited to the wedding but not me. It was horrible, especially when some of those mutual friends were bemusedly asking me later why they hadn't seen me at the wedding. She was dead to me after that tbh. I couldn't even look at her, I was so hurt, let alone speak with her, apart from events I couldn't avoid her at and then I was cool and distant.
Sorry OP, it was a shitty thing for your 'friend' to do to you [hugs]