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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be confused as to why I am excluded?

999 replies

yesitssea · 05/02/2022 23:42

My friends 50th.

She was my best pal through uni. And afterwards. We lived together in a flat share too for a few years.

Saw her normally over the past year (2 or 3 times) text her happy birthday last week and she replied really friendly like 'thanks, hope we can meet up soon!'.

I go on Facebook today and her and all of our friends are away celebrating her 50th in a hotel. I am gobsmacked. There are even people there who are more my friends than hers. Our old work colleagues. Our joint friends.

I just can't understand it. It's bizarre. She's must have known about it for months. We caught up before christmas and nothing was mentioned.

She does have a history of occasionally singling one person out and excluding them for a while. She likes to be the organiser of weekends away etc.

Im wondering if it's my turn. She's done it to another of our friends and we all noticed and just purposefully made sure that person was forwarded on the invitation every event that was organised.

Can you help me understand what's gone on here? It's so weird. Am I the pariah this time?

Even my Mum said to me 'oh Kerry's 50th looks fab, why didn't you go?' As she had seen pics on Facebook. So awkward.

OP posts:
Bywayofanupdate · 06/02/2022 09:43

My friend did this to me on her 40th. She is Jo longer my friend and is still baffled as to why it hurt me so much. She had also done it to other people in the past and everyone I have spoken to about since has asked why I was still friends with her then. Good point well main. So sorry OP it really hurts. I couldn't forgive Flowers

MrsLargeEmbodied · 06/02/2022 09:43

the other friends can hardly take the blame - she gave out the invitations.

Candyss · 06/02/2022 09:43

why and how are any of you tolerating this? I put up with bullshit like this in school but not after - I'm sorry for you but you know what she is like. why is this confusing to you, she has done it to others, why did you think she would never do it to you?

you're well rid - raise your standards of who you have in your life.

Theblacksheepandme · 06/02/2022 09:44

pictish

She will want your friends to become her friends. It’s not good enough that they’re her friends as well she wants them to be her friends instead. Having you there would threaten her sense of ownership.
Some people don’t value their place unless they have beaten someone else to gain it. They don’t want to share, they want to replace.
It’s about control.

I could be wrong of course…but suspect this is why you were left out. You’re a threat.

This exactly has happened my 14 year old daughter. My daughter when she started secondary school made friends with a girl
This girl was a very shy introvert. My daughter brought her around and had to constantly coax her to join other groups
Now this girl has gained confidence she wants my daughter gone. You are right as she wants to replace my daughter. Her treatment towards my daughter is quite shitty and passive aggressive. They are going to a teen disco shortly and this girl asked them all to her house. My daughter said she is just so unkind to her now and she doesn't want to be around her. If she chooses not to be around her she will have lost all the friends she worked on building up over the last 2 years. This girl says quite unkind things in a jokey way to my daughter and she feels if she says anything that she will lose the whole group.

diddl · 06/02/2022 09:44

"This is the interesting piece - that they are not excluded for long - it’s a power game to put people in their place so that she is always queen bee and no one threatens her position."

But what is so wonderful about her that it is tolerated?

Why don't the whole group just bin her?

stripeyflowers · 06/02/2022 09:45

It sounds like she's a game player. If you think about your relationship you'll probably start realising things about her you never noticed before, or perhaps did, but let them pass or pushed them out of your mind.

I had a cousin who was like a sister, I would have done anything for her. She had lots of friends but always made me feel I was extra special to her.
There was one friend who she was always moaning about *Anna for one reason or another. She made out she just about tolerated her but didn't like her.

When we went to my cousins wedding, she was going around thanking everyone and talking to them. She came to *Anna, gently took her face in both hands, spoke sincerely, looking her close and full in the face, kissed her on both cheeks and hugged her.

I could not believe my eyes. I literally felt like the world spun a different way on its axis.

This was the girl who I had held as a baby when when I was 9 and we had been like sisters for decades.

Then after talking to a few more people, she went back on the dance floor. She never looked my way. Was even worse because at the time I was single and sitting on a table all on my own.

I looked back and realised she was only bothered about me when I was useful to her in some way. I was all about her, her, her really.

I think your friend sounds remarkably similar.

If I were you I would ask her why. This is something I never did.

I would ask her - she won't be expecting you to because she's probably used to doing things and you not really 'noticing' them.

Whatever she says, it's likely that you won't feel the same trust in her or your friendship ever again.Flowers

IncompleteSenten · 06/02/2022 09:45

Also, I'm not sure why you are confused. You know she does this to people. You just didn't expect to get a turn. Do you think the others she has done this to did something to 'deserve' it?

If you don't challenge unacceptable behaviour when it's directed at others you can't really expect anything else than to eventually be in the firing line yourself, can you?

I0NA · 06/02/2022 09:46

@DiddyHeck

Im wondering if it's my turn. She's done it to another of our friends and we all noticed and just purposefully made sure that person was forwarded on the invitation every event that was organised.

Can you help me understand what's gone on here? It's so weird. Am I the pariah this time?

What's going on here is that you and your friends have let her get away with this appalling behaviour so she's never had to stop it.

What I don't understand is why you all think it's ok?

This.

Why are you friends with someone who acts so meanly towards others? You didn’t seem to care when other people were the victim. But now you are the victim you are on here asking is what’s going on.

You know perfectly well what’s going on. You’ve condoned it for years.

ChickenStripper · 06/02/2022 09:46

You said you see her 2-3 times a year. It's not a lot really, is it? Maybe these others are people she sees more regularly?

MandyCarter · 06/02/2022 09:49

Walk away from the whole thing. It's an unkind, hurtful and very spiteful. You are complicit if you are part of that friendship

whysonasty · 06/02/2022 09:51

@pictish

She will want your friends to become her friends. It’s not good enough that they’re her friends as well she wants them to be her friends instead. Having you there would threaten her sense of ownership. Some people don’t value their place unless they have beaten someone else to gain it. They don’t want to share, they want to replace. It’s about control.

I could be wrong of course…but suspect this is why you were left out. You’re a threat.

Again, I agree.

I have a friend (only of about 5 years - friend A) who has shown herself to be a bit like this lately. Not at all to this degree but give her a few more decades. I have another friend (B) I know friend A wants in her life as I think she feels it will up her esteem or something as friend B was in the public eye for a while. They've met briefly a couple of times in passing, but I know friend B wouldn't really relate to friend A.

Friend A presses me to invite friend B along to things, saying she "hasn't seen her for ages" as if they're best buds. It's weird. Then if I do invite her she tries to exclude me from conversations or very subtley undermines me. I don't see her much anymore for this and other reasons.

goodnightgrumble · 06/02/2022 09:53

Think I would have to comment and say 'ooh have fun ladies'
I would need her to know it doesn't bother me!

Hollywolly1 · 06/02/2022 09:54

Count yourself lucky your not going to waste anymore time on this horrible woman.I definitely wouldn't ask her why you were not invited but cut her out ASAP. She would really enjoy you asking her why she didn't invite you,she's just not a nice person at all

Ciaram55 · 06/02/2022 09:59

Has no one ever thought to do the same back on her. Maybe the only way to make her see how hurtful it is.

Hollywolly1 · 06/02/2022 10:00

By the way its exactly why she put it up on Facebook for you to see

melj1213 · 06/02/2022 10:00

Personally I would just comment once on the picture something like "Hope you're all having a lovely weekend away!" and then never acknowledge it again.

The comment will make them aware that you know that you were excluded but then never acknowledging it again will starve your "D"F of the attention she craves. The only exception would be if someone asks why you weren't there, I would be honest and say "I wasn't invited by DF"

Crepusculum · 06/02/2022 10:01

I've come across a couple of people like this.

Last one was a mum at my son's primary school - and we had overlapping mum friends groups so I knew her enough to say hello and have a quick chat but nothing beyond that. She did this kind of thing over a period of a few years and none of the excluded people (this was changed frequently) said anything - so no one else knew it was going on until she did it to the 'wrong' person who decided to say something rather than be quietly hurt, and then several other people in the group shared that she had done it to them in the past too.

For the sake of the other people in the group I would bring this up. It is really mean manipulative behaviour.

JackieWeaverHandforthCouncil · 06/02/2022 10:01

Does your friend also slag people off behind their backs but is lovely to their face? If so, you can 100% believe she’s been doing the same to you.

You should’ve distanced yourself when you saw how she treated others. People like this should be shunned by all so they know they’re behaviour is out of order.

ValancyRedfern · 06/02/2022 10:02

This is behaviour I'd expect from a 13 yr old (I still bear the scars) not a 50 yr old. Life is too short for this shit. Cut her out of your life from this second and you'll be much happier.

Phobiaphobic · 06/02/2022 10:02

This woman is not your friend, unless you want to redefine friendship to include emotional abuse and toxic games. Functioning adults, when they are upset with a friend, actually communicate that and try to resolve the problem, rather than exclude and leaving you guessing as to the nature of the offence. Your 'friend' is operating on the level of a playground bully. She isn't going to change. Are you prepared to change instead and let go of her?

stripeyflowers · 06/02/2022 10:05

@Crepusculum

I've come across a couple of people like this.

Last one was a mum at my son's primary school - and we had overlapping mum friends groups so I knew her enough to say hello and have a quick chat but nothing beyond that. She did this kind of thing over a period of a few years and none of the excluded people (this was changed frequently) said anything - so no one else knew it was going on until she did it to the 'wrong' person who decided to say something rather than be quietly hurt, and then several other people in the group shared that she had done it to them in the past too.

For the sake of the other people in the group I would bring this up. It is really mean manipulative behaviour.

What I've noticed about these people is they do always seem to have lots of friends.

My cousin (post above) did actually say to me once "I like being popular and having lots of friends."

Obviously, there' s nothing wrong with that but now I see it as a sign that she knew exactly how to manipulate people into allegiance with her.

ButWhereDidTheWindComeFrom · 06/02/2022 10:13

@youvegottenminuteslynn

She does have a history of occasionally singling one person out and excluding them for a while. She likes to be the organiser of weekends away etc.

Why do you want to be mates with a bully who isolates people and plays queen bee?

She sounds like a right prick.

This. I'd mute her on social media and in real life. Why be 'friends' with someone like this? It makes no sense to me. Think of her with pity- she has literally nothing else in her life and this is how she gets her kicks. It's sad. But it's not your problem.
Blushinggerbil · 06/02/2022 10:19

Not read whole thread but don’t be her fucking scratching post! She sounds like a horrible woman I work with. Let her exclude you all one by one and let her have no friends left! Shit behaviour.

lightisnotwhite · 06/02/2022 10:19

Attachment style. Insecure /Avoidant. Not sure how this helps you though.

I’d tell her you felt hurt and pull back ( not flounce). She’s in the wrong. Everyone telling you to “ignore” is just encouraging bad behaviour because Kerry doesn’t need to feel bad. It was fine to leave you out because you don’t care.
Call her out. Tell her you weren’t impressed at not being invited. Let her make all the excuses or not.

Theblacksheepandme · 06/02/2022 10:23

It's all very well saying don't bother with her anymore but she will probably lose all the other friends also. They are very unlikely to join OP.

I have been the person that calls people out for bad behaviour. It is a lonely place to be. Not once did anyone ever back me up. I have no friends now at all. It makes me sad sometimes but it's better than getting hurt.