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Original poster

To be confused as to why I am excluded?

999 replies

yesitssea · 05/02/2022 23:42

My friends 50th.

She was my best pal through uni. And afterwards. We lived together in a flat share too for a few years.

Saw her normally over the past year (2 or 3 times) text her happy birthday last week and she replied really friendly like 'thanks, hope we can meet up soon!'.

I go on Facebook today and her and all of our friends are away celebrating her 50th in a hotel. I am gobsmacked. There are even people there who are more my friends than hers. Our old work colleagues. Our joint friends.

I just can't understand it. It's bizarre. She's must have known about it for months. We caught up before christmas and nothing was mentioned.

She does have a history of occasionally singling one person out and excluding them for a while. She likes to be the organiser of weekends away etc.

Im wondering if it's my turn. She's done it to another of our friends and we all noticed and just purposefully made sure that person was forwarded on the invitation every event that was organised.

Can you help me understand what's gone on here? It's so weird. Am I the pariah this time?

Even my Mum said to me 'oh Kerry's 50th looks fab, why didn't you go?' As she had seen pics on Facebook. So awkward.

OP posts:
Iamnotamermaid · 06/02/2022 08:34

Make a point, leave a message on FB page saying looks like you had a wonderful time etc etc. Wish I could have been there. Then bloke or mute her so any rely is not in your face, Just rise above it and move on - she is not worth the headspace.

TabithaHazel · 06/02/2022 08:34

@yesitssea

She has a weird psychological hold over some members IoT the group who are like flying monkeys.

However the excluded people (which never lasts for long) are generally the more confident settled folk.

She's never married and doesn't have kids where as most of the group do. It's so weird from a psychodrama perspective.

I am going to quietly retreat, not going to confront. Going to mute her on socials though.

I think this is the best solution- don’t give her the satisfaction of the reaction she wants/is expecting from you.
Faevern · 06/02/2022 08:35

Ouch it's hard when you are excluded, but it appears to be your turn. If she has form for this what have any of you done in the past to challenge it?

It's hard to believe that not one of your friends mentioned this, as if they knew you were not going, so have they been complicit with her plans, as you may have been in the past?

Slipping away quietly is how she gets away with it. I would be going out in a blaze of glory.

I would directly comment on her photos something along the lines of where is my invite or are you all having a great time. And if some of those friends really are more yours than hers I would be asking them why they hadn't mentioned it.

Toanewstart23 · 06/02/2022 08:35

A@pictish

Most people “avoid rocking the boat in social groups”?

We’re talking about 50 year old grown assed women here
Why would the op be surprised that exactly what she’s seen before… has now happened again. But this time to her

lisaandalan · 06/02/2022 08:36

Actually walk away and don't be friends with any of them. If I went somewhere and found out one of our friends were not invited on purpose I'd leave because it nasty. X

Toanewstart23 · 06/02/2022 08:36

The only surprising thing is that absolutely none of the guests once mentioned it to the op in the preceding months, during the event or after

Subbaxeo · 06/02/2022 08:36

I’m just amazed you stuck with her for this long. I would find her behaviours giving me the idk.

Imyourvenus · 06/02/2022 08:37

How odd. She doesn't sound like a nice person anyway.

UserBot9to5 · 06/02/2022 08:37

/wow, agree with the others. Don't give her the satisfaction of asking her why you weren't invited. If you did that, she would tell you what you supposedly 'did' and make you the bad guy and upset you all over again.

That is a really big deal. To not invite a close friend you've known for 30 years to your 50th.

Back away from her and leave her to it. Focus on friends who would NEVER do this right now.

I know it hurts like billyo. I've had similar shit pulled on me, by a woman of the same age (that age includes me too). It's just weird.

If I do something shitty, I feel shitty but sadly there are people out there who can do something shitty and feel empowered by it. Confused that is pitiful. At 50, to be getting kicks from excluding a friend like she is 9

Inspectorslack · 06/02/2022 08:38

@Toanewstart23

Anyone else a bit baffled the op knew and had seen her do this multiple times on the past to others

And yet still remained good friends with her?

This
Onlyforcake · 06/02/2022 08:41

Unfortunately you knew she was like this and yet you're still trusting her enough to get upset when she behaves consistently. She's not a friend. Ignore her, move on with your life.

burnthur5t · 06/02/2022 08:42

I see this a lot on MN, just because you've been friends for a long time it doesn't mean you have to put up with shitty behaviour and continue to be "friends" until the end of time

She doesn't sound like a very nice person, ditch her. Your life will be no worse off and you'll respect yourself more

Toanewstart23 · 06/02/2022 08:42

@Onlyforcake

Unfortunately you knew she was like this and yet you're still trusting her enough to get upset when she behaves consistently. She's not a friend. Ignore her, move on with your life.
“Trusting enough”

What about spineless enough to see it happen to others and yet still want to remain good friends with her?

gettingolderandgrumpy · 06/02/2022 08:43

Well this is the thing op nobody has pulled her on it before and now she’s done it to you . I suspect it hurt others too being left out . Thing Is are you going to let her get away with treating you like this? Id just say hi hope you enjoyed your party not sure what happened to my invite . She’ll feel like shit but good she should it’s mean to leave people out .

lanzawaiting · 06/02/2022 08:44

You know she has form for this, you've seen her do it to other friends (and did nothing? Are they not your friends too?) and now you don't understand what's happened?

I would find this group too much like hard work. Speak to your other friends, find out what the story is, confront her and then walk away from it.

UserBot9to5 · 06/02/2022 08:44

[quote Toanewstart23]A@pictish

Most people “avoid rocking the boat in social groups”?

We’re talking about 50 year old grown assed women here
Why would the op be surprised that exactly what she’s seen before… has now happened again. But this time to her[/quote]
This is true though. Kip Williams did a study about bullying and bystanders and a shockingly low 3% will, in a group setting, stand up for a person they observe being bullied exclude. The figure might be higher if the person is having eggs thrown out them but in the more nuanced adult world where bullied = excluded, people do not go out on a limb to say ''why don't we include Userbot''.

Not only have I read this depressing fact in print but it's been my experience, twice.

Once at work, and once with my relatives.

At work, nobody cares I guess. And one woman just decided that I was going to be excluded from the 'chat'. She was a master in manipulationn of the social dynamics and had subtle but numerous ways of excluding me. I don't think any one of them seemed like bullying on its own but the relentlessness of them left me in no doubt.

Because I couldn't contain my frustration with her and exploded once (exactly the wrong thing to do) the narrative at work was that I hated her. Poor Aoife.

Later, a relative decided to cast me in the role of her enemy. She love bombs all the other relatives and is as cold as ice to me. I learnt from the last time and didn't react.

My brother told me he'd noticed so I think it's possible people do notice but they don't care enough to say anything. People assume you can fight your own battles. Or they assume there's something they don't know.

Anyway, it's true, 97% of people won't rock the boat that they're in. If they want to be in that boat.

SunnyLeaf · 06/02/2022 08:44

What a horrible person she is

FabriqueBelgique · 06/02/2022 08:45

@DiddyHeck

I am going to quietly retreat, not going to confront. Going to mute her on socials though.

Oh for goodness sake why not buck the trend and be the one to break the news to her that she's a dick?

Then mute her Wink

Then she gets away with it again!

Can we start a Call Out People’s Bullshit movement?!

MichelleScarn · 06/02/2022 08:46

I wonder if op does send any messages to 'challenge/ask' what went on, the birthday girl will turn on 100% drama llama/victim...
"Ooo my birthdays ruined now, she's made it all about her, that's why I couldn't invite her"..

rainbowunicorn · 06/02/2022 08:46

To be honest OP, you really only have yourself to blame. You say that you have seen her do this numerous times to others in your group. Why the surprise when it was your turn, did you think you were more special than the others and she would not do it to you?
This bitch will have been the same in high school, the one that was always at the center of everything with a dozen girls hanging on her every word. There would always be one person excluded or bullied within the group and it would change every few weeks. The others would not say anything then for fear of being next, just the same as you have sat back and watched it happen to others for 30 years.
At least teenage girls have the excuse of immaturity and most move away from these kinds of toxic friendships once they grow up. Seems like you and your friends never did.

RedFlagsAllOver · 06/02/2022 08:48

She sounds pretty narcissistic op. The fact she acts like a bit of a bitch but people still crowd round her and put up with it. Like a trauma bond in a narcissist relationship.
I wouldn't ask her, she wants that. Please don't message her and if she does message act like you don't care.
I have a narcissist in my life who gets off on not sending Christmas and birthday presents. It hurt that he didn't send me a birthday card. Valentines day next to not show any thought too and I stupidly brought it up last week. So now he knows I will be hoping for something and played into his hands when I get nothing.
Seriously op life is to short to put up with people like this.

Fredstheteds · 06/02/2022 08:48

Could it have been a surprise and the person organising it missed you

JackieWeaverHandforthCouncil · 06/02/2022 08:50

I’ve known a woman like this for over a decade who’s now about the same age as your friend. She was very pretty and her DH had a cool job so people wanted to be around her. Nevertheless she’s pulled this stunt a few too many times (including on me) and now she’s older, not as pretty and her DH lost his job, she’s barely got any mates. She was sniffing around trying to rekindle a friendship with me relatively recently but I just kept the chat short and went about my day.

This woman isn’t a nice person and doesn’t value genuine friendship just shallow friendships, looking popular and being in control. She will eventually meet the same fate as the woman I know.

pictish · 06/02/2022 08:50

[quote Toanewstart23]A@pictish

Most people “avoid rocking the boat in social groups”?

We’re talking about 50 year old grown assed women here
Why would the op be surprised that exactly what she’s seen before… has now happened again. But this time to her[/quote]
Yes it’s very easy to be strident when it’s someone else’s social group and long standing friendship. Zero risk for you.

starfishmummy · 06/02/2022 08:55

However the excluded people (which never lasts for long) are generally the more confident settled folk.

If I had a "friend" who played these games, then I would be excluding myself permanently