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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be confused as to why I am excluded?

999 replies

yesitssea · 05/02/2022 23:42

My friends 50th.

She was my best pal through uni. And afterwards. We lived together in a flat share too for a few years.

Saw her normally over the past year (2 or 3 times) text her happy birthday last week and she replied really friendly like 'thanks, hope we can meet up soon!'.

I go on Facebook today and her and all of our friends are away celebrating her 50th in a hotel. I am gobsmacked. There are even people there who are more my friends than hers. Our old work colleagues. Our joint friends.

I just can't understand it. It's bizarre. She's must have known about it for months. We caught up before christmas and nothing was mentioned.

She does have a history of occasionally singling one person out and excluding them for a while. She likes to be the organiser of weekends away etc.

Im wondering if it's my turn. She's done it to another of our friends and we all noticed and just purposefully made sure that person was forwarded on the invitation every event that was organised.

Can you help me understand what's gone on here? It's so weird. Am I the pariah this time?

Even my Mum said to me 'oh Kerry's 50th looks fab, why didn't you go?' As she had seen pics on Facebook. So awkward.

OP posts:
UserBot9to5 · 12/02/2022 12:32

yes, so true @pictish it's damage control to her own reputation

LookItsMeAgain · 12/02/2022 12:35

I'd reply No to her too.
Then I'd arrange a separate dinner with other people (doesn't have to be this circle of friends) and post images up. Just so she realises that you're not waiting in for her crumbs of a friendship.

Cherrysoup · 12/02/2022 12:35

@yesitssea

UPDATE: she's asked me out for dinner.

Hahahahahahaha

No.

Wow, she is one cheeky cow!
SNUG2022 · 12/02/2022 12:38

The only suitable response is "lol".

harriethoyle · 12/02/2022 12:44

I'm another one who would organise a group dinner for the same night and post photos on fb! Silly woman...

Theblacksheepandme · 12/02/2022 12:55

LookItsMeAgain
I'd reply No to her too.
Then I'd arrange a separate dinner with other people (doesn't have to be this circle of friends) and post images up. Just so she realises that you're not waiting in for her crumbs of a friendship.

I wouldn't do that at all. It"s just game playing that I would have no interest in doing. I would definitely say no and leave it at that. I bet OP will meet up with her though.

Opus17 · 12/02/2022 12:57

Oh the cheek of her! She clearly knows she'd done wrong. She seems like a controlling nutter, enjoying playing with people's feelings.

WhatICallMyUsername · 12/02/2022 13:02

Probably wants to meet so she can gaslight you into thinking you did say you were busy!!

BruceAndNosh · 12/02/2022 13:16

I wouldn't immediately say no. I'd start a text conversation, and see if you can get her to admit she lied or deliberately excluded you.
Then SEND TO ALL in your group

UnconditionalSurrender · 12/02/2022 13:30

Don't go. Its more game playing. Shes been dreadful and shes been found out so just let her be. It's not your job to make her feel better and she certainly won't make you feel better.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 12/02/2022 13:30

Gosh, she's got a brass neck, hasn't she?!

I bet some people have asked her why she told them you were busy for her party, after you told them you weren't actually invited - and now she's hoping to whitewash it all so that everyone still stays friends with her!

I agree - No is the only possible answer to that invitation.

No doubt she "wants to explain", which will involve her being sure that you said you were busy that day/weekend, which is why she didn't invite you in the first place, because she already "knew" you were unavailable. Which, as you (and we) know is utter hogwash.

I also don't think it's worth playing her game - and I wouldn't arrange anything else either. It would be more confounding to her that you would rather do NOTHING than go to lunch with her, and would make it clear that you have no time for her or her games any longer.

mcmooberry · 12/02/2022 13:35

Thanks for the update. And yes - no!
What she did was unforgivable and has cost her a longstanding friendship, in fact almost certainly a few.
@UniversalAunt summed up the situation perfectly.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 12/02/2022 13:38

@UserBot9to5

I think that every time you're excluded it ends up making you stronger, eventually.... after the pain fades

In the last 5 yrs i have been excluded by a bi5ch at work (she left luckily) a female relative who has 100% succeeded in excluding me from the wider family, and because of fallout from that as well as other ways to hurt me, my family of origin has ostracised me. Feel like the last 2 years have been so painful but i am stronger on my own now. I need to be part of a group far less now.

I disagree. I was bullied for five full years at senior school - some of it was name calling, but some was exclusion - I was an outsider from the point where we moved to a rural village when I was 10 and went to the local primary, and it continued throughout my time at the local comprehensive, and only stopped when we went to sixth form college.

Im 57 years old now, and I still cannot get rid of the deeply ingrained belief that no-one really likes me or wants to be my friend - and I trace that back to being excluded for so long.

Maybe if I had had some support (from my parents or the school), it might have made me stronger, but I didn’t have any support, and so it broke me. I’m not sure it can be fixed.

Bigboysmademedoit · 12/02/2022 13:50

You’re so right to say no. By going out with her (and her no doubt posting a few pics on social media) makes it look like you were the unreasonable one and you’re condoning her behaviour - ‘I can make you feel crap but still control the situation’. Just block her and don’t give her another thought - let her stew and be judged by your friends.

WhenwillIlearntoadult · 12/02/2022 14:06

She sounds like a narcissist (apologies if someone has already said this). She’ll be WhatsApping you a sob story next. And you will probably really hurt her feelings.
Only thing to do with people like that is ignore them.
Hope you have many happy social events ahead!

affairsofdragons · 12/02/2022 14:14

Heck, I'd send her the link to this chat

WhatisanODP · 12/02/2022 14:15

Please tell me you replied with one word.

No!

pictish · 12/02/2022 14:16

Ask her what date she was thinking. Be busy that day. Ask for another…be busy on that day too. Ask for a third. Tell her you’ll check and get back to her. Never get back to her.
Rinse and repeat until she understands that you have left the building. Always be pleasant. But that is all.

affairsofdragons · 12/02/2022 14:17

Alternatively, invite everyone who was at her 50th quietly and all of you show up together about after she's there waiting for you. Book a different table in the same restaurant.

pictish · 12/02/2022 14:26

@affairsofdragons

Alternatively, invite everyone who was at her 50th quietly and all of you show up together about after she's there waiting for you. Book a different table in the same restaurant.
I hope you’re joking.

I wouldn’t give her the validation of a contest by throwing any sort of childish revenge gathering.
I’d simply draw my line in the sand and leave her behind.

SheSellSeaShells · 12/02/2022 14:28

I hope you replied " I have other commitments"

JuergenSchwarzwald · 12/02/2022 14:35

I would just say "sorry, really busy for the next few weeks - maybe after Easter" and then mute notifications from her. I imagine she will get the message. You don't have to play games.

billy1966 · 12/02/2022 14:37

You are at a crossroads OP.

You can choose to have this ugliness in your life, or you move forward, keeping the few of the group that you genuinely like and are nice, and focus on other friendship groups that you enjoy.

I would think long and hard as to why you would ever want to engage with someone like that again.

Allusernamesalreadyused · 12/02/2022 14:39

I'm waaay too invested in this!!! But what is the story with this woman???
We need more deets😂
I know I know I need to get a life🙈

Bonheurdupasse · 12/02/2022 14:42

@pictish

Ask her what date she was thinking. Be busy that day. Ask for another…be busy on that day too. Ask for a third. Tell her you’ll check and get back to her. Never get back to her. Rinse and repeat until she understands that you have left the building. Always be pleasant. But that is all.
This- OP. This with bells on!