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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be confused as to why I am excluded?

999 replies

yesitssea · 05/02/2022 23:42

My friends 50th.

She was my best pal through uni. And afterwards. We lived together in a flat share too for a few years.

Saw her normally over the past year (2 or 3 times) text her happy birthday last week and she replied really friendly like 'thanks, hope we can meet up soon!'.

I go on Facebook today and her and all of our friends are away celebrating her 50th in a hotel. I am gobsmacked. There are even people there who are more my friends than hers. Our old work colleagues. Our joint friends.

I just can't understand it. It's bizarre. She's must have known about it for months. We caught up before christmas and nothing was mentioned.

She does have a history of occasionally singling one person out and excluding them for a while. She likes to be the organiser of weekends away etc.

Im wondering if it's my turn. She's done it to another of our friends and we all noticed and just purposefully made sure that person was forwarded on the invitation every event that was organised.

Can you help me understand what's gone on here? It's so weird. Am I the pariah this time?

Even my Mum said to me 'oh Kerry's 50th looks fab, why didn't you go?' As she had seen pics on Facebook. So awkward.

OP posts:
booplefloof · 08/02/2022 18:30

@yesitssea it will hurt for the moment, but please move on. It's her loss. You sound lovely.

MountainAshley · 08/02/2022 18:57

She sounds awful. I agree with those who say the best way to deal with her is to just keep your distance. Nobody needs this kind of crap in their life.

Theblacksheepandme · 08/02/2022 19:40

I hope the attached doesn't cause offence but I do think of this song for nasty people like her.

Original poster
yesitssea · 08/02/2022 20:19

@Anonymouseposter

When i have come across people like the OP's "friend" I have found that they somehow manage to get queen bee status and have other women vying for their attention. They tend to act like your bosom buddy, almost a sister then withdraw. Somehow it's very difficult for people not to mind when they are the object of exclusion. Of course the most effective thing to do is to not react at all and act like you don't care. Work on really not caring and spend time with people who are more genuine and don't play games. It was good to let the others know that you weren't even aware of the party though. It exposes her and some friends will recognise her behaviour as unpleasant.
Yes this is quite spot on.

She is charismatic, and love bombs. And then cuts off. The people who have been cut off in the past have mostly been people who have settled down however there is one old flat mate That we used to live with who has remained single and she still cut her off.

I think in that case it was because the woman really wasn't interested enough. She had her own thing going on with other groups of friends.

I think this may be my 'sin' too. I made a group of social friends when we left uni that she always criticised but we all had stuff in common- music. So we're always out clubbing or going to gigs.

And now I have mum friends from school. So this group (apart from a few of them) I could take or leave.

I have had constant funny texts from two of the guys at the hotel though about my new 'pariah' status 🤣. They were both told I had other commitments!

OP posts:
Original poster
yesitssea · 08/02/2022 20:20

*we were out clubbing. I don't go clubbing nowadays!

OP posts:
Theblacksheepandme · 08/02/2022 20:30

My 14 yr old daughter has made friends with a lovely girl that has been shunned by a queen bee. The queen bee appears to want this girl back now and it sounds like my daughter is going to be dumped. My daughter really dislikes the queen bee and avoids her like the plague. What is it about the queen bee that makes people go back?

MsTSwift · 08/02/2022 20:57

Fun charisma and fear

pictish · 08/02/2022 20:57

Social status. Most people would rather lose a friend.
I’m not judging just stating. We weigh up the impact to ourselves and choose accordingly. Follow the Queen, stay in the gang. Not arsed about the gang? Pick your friend.

People don’t always (or often) pick sides according to how nice or decent a person is…they go with the one who has more social status in order to preserve their own.

What awards so many callous and selfish people such status is the truly mystifying part.

ESGdance · 08/02/2022 20:57

@Theblacksheepandme

My 14 yr old daughter has made friends with a lovely girl that has been shunned by a queen bee. The queen bee appears to want this girl back now and it sounds like my daughter is going to be dumped. My daughter really dislikes the queen bee and avoids her like the plague. What is it about the queen bee that makes people go back?
I wonder if it’s just the platonic version of the “trauma bond” - induced fear? All the same stages of emotionally abusive relationships
  • love bombing, idealising, devaluing, discarding - then hoovering back into punching distance once the victim is clear when they stand in the hierarchy?

Fear - keep your enemies close is an old saying?

RussiasGreatestLoveMachine · 08/02/2022 23:13

FML - the machinations involved in being a queen bee.

Who can honestly be bothered?! What am I missing….?

Confused

It’s the same reason I’d never, ever go into politics….

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 09/02/2022 02:49

She's clever, isn't she.
Tells people up front that you're not able to come, so of course most people won't bother to check that you've actually been invited, because they don't automatically assume that the QB has lied!

Maybe now they will. That would be even more fun than the whole group ostracising QB - just to check around between your/themselves after every invitation, to see who has been left out, and then either arrange to go out with the "pariah" instead, or to invite the "pariah" along just to see QB's face!

Petty? Yes, probably. But for me it would either be that or dump the whole lot of them as a group (keep the individual friends you like tho)

pictish · 09/02/2022 06:42

She’s not particularly clever as her silly lie has been uncovered pretty quickly. She has taken a gamble on her status really.
I’m going to say that the rest will sweep the lie aside to remain in the group. Like I say, people aren’t led by decency but status.
One or two might challenge it…she will have another lie at the ready to slime out of it…whether they accept her pish or not is unknown.

Theblacksheepandme · 09/02/2022 07:49

pictish
She’s not particularly clever as her silly lie has been uncovered pretty quickly. She has taken a gamble on her status really.
I’m going to say that the rest will sweep the lie aside to remain in the group. Like I say, people aren’t led by decency but status.
One or two might challenge it…she will have another lie at the ready to slime out of it…whether they accept her pish or not is unknown.

I completely agree with you about the group sweeping the lie aside. My thinking is that OP will eventually go back into the group and the games will never stop.

It would be interesting if OP updates in 3 month's time. I bet she is in contact with queen bee and everything was swept under the carpet. OP will continue to joke with others from the group about the exclusion, but there would have been no consequences for queen bee. She will do it again and everyone will laugh about her being up to her old tricks.

I'm starting to be glad I'm in the 3% that call people out on bad behaviour. I might have no friends but I have my dignity. What are people's children learning from this, when they look at their Mums poisonous friendships?

My daughter when she was 12 was the only girl excluded from a Birthday party invite. She confronted the girl and she made a shit excuse as to why she didn't invite her. My daughter came home and at 12 said she could see her Mother wasn't very nice to me, so why would her daughter know any better. The unpleasant girls in my daughters class had Mothers that behaved exactly like this. The cycle just continues on and on.

Apologies for the rant, it just makes me sad that my lovely, kind daughter will have to put up with all this crap in her life. It just never stops.

Toanewstart23 · 09/02/2022 08:25

* I’m going to say that the rest will sweep the lie aside to remain in the group. Like I say, people aren’t led by decency but status. *

Precisely what the op has done multiple times before when it’s happened to others in the group!

diddl · 09/02/2022 08:42

"I’m going to say that the rest will sweep the lie aside to remain in the group."

I think it's that that a lot of us find hard to understand.

Why not start a group without her?

I guess she can be fun & she bothers to organise stuff-is that the "pay off"?

Theblacksheepandme · 09/02/2022 13:11

diddl
I think it's that that a lot of us find hard to understand.

Why not start a group without her?

I guess she can be fun & she bothers to organise stuff-is that the "pay off"?

It doesn't seem to work that way. I have tried myself in the past to start a new group. The others are always hesitant and won't leave.

UserBot9to5 · 09/02/2022 13:39

It's so refreshing to read posts by people who believe that most people value status above decency. So often I read comments like "are you sure it's not all in yr head?".

billy1966 · 09/02/2022 14:43

@Toanewstart23

* I’m going to say that the rest will sweep the lie aside to remain in the group. Like I say, people aren’t led by decency but status. *

Precisely what the op has done multiple times before when it’s happened to others in the group!

I think that is a fair comment.🤷‍♀️
diddl · 09/02/2022 16:03

"The others are always hesitant and won't leave."

That seems strange doesn't it?

Rather the devil you know?

Theblacksheepandme · 09/02/2022 16:10

diddl
That seems strange doesn't it?

Rather the devil you know?

Yes, or else I'm boring. My husband thinks one of the reasons is that I don't like to bitch.

Mary46 · 09/02/2022 16:49

Not nice behaviour. Good to have a few friends. But I agree with another post on calling out bad behaviour. Queen bee types are devious.

whysonasty · 11/02/2022 13:10

Any update, OP?

MalcolmTuckersBollockingface · 11/02/2022 13:50

@Theblacksheepandme

diddl I think it's that that a lot of us find hard to understand.

Why not start a group without her?

I guess she can be fun & she bothers to organise stuff-is that the "pay off"?

It doesn't seem to work that way. I have tried myself in the past to start a new group. The others are always hesitant and won't leave.

My experience too. I didn’t want to set up a counter-group, I just wanted to connect with folk who I was closer to/considered to be friends on a one-to-one basis. Beyond the nosy/flying monkey stage of interest, they didn’t seem that keen to continue the friendship. Most people didn’t want to know despite absolutely despising the Queen Bee. So I dropped the lot of them. I’m glad not to be a part of it but it does smart, somewhat, as I’ve moved to a new area and I’m not exactly inundated with potential friends.
ChooseYourUsernameWisely · 11/02/2022 19:36

I think I know why I’m so friend-less now. In the past I’ve had issues like this and seriously can’t be arsed with it.

I’ve literally got one maybe two people I actually could class as a friend. I just can’t trust people and I tend to back off if they try to get to know me.

So sorry this has happened OP, just sucks!

Benjispruce5 · 11/02/2022 19:39

@ChooseYourUsernameWisely I get where you’re comfortable from. I can’t be doing with friends for friend’s sake. I have a few good friends. We aren’t in each other’s pockets but would be there for each other and catch up and pick up from where we left. Far rather have that than lots of flakes.