To be confused as to why I am excluded?

[yesitssea]

My friends 50th.

She was my best pal through uni. And afterwards. We lived together in a flat share too for a few years.

Saw her normally over the past year (2 or 3 times) text her happy birthday last week and she replied really friendly like 'thanks, hope we can meet up soon!'.

I go on Facebook today and her and all of our friends are away celebrating her 50th in a hotel. I am gobsmacked. There are even people there who are more my friends than hers. Our old work colleagues. Our joint friends.

I just can't understand it. It's bizarre. She's must have known about it for months. We caught up before christmas and nothing was mentioned.

She does have a history of occasionally singling one person out and excluding them for a while. She likes to be the organiser of weekends away etc.

Im wondering if it's my turn. She's done it to another of our friends and we all noticed and just purposefully made sure that person was forwarded on the invitation every event that was organised.

Can you help me understand what's gone on here? It's so weird. Am I the pariah this time?

Even my Mum said to me 'oh Kerry's 50th looks fab, why didn't you go?' As she had seen pics on Facebook. So awkward.

They don't like you.

You've dealt with this really calmly OP, and it's really nice that your presence was missed by others. They sound mucn nicer people.

I've realised as I get older that I can't be bothered with people who play games in life. I used to be involved in a group of old school friends. We'd meet once a month for dinner/drinks/cinema etc. Then another person came into the circle, who was someone I'd never really got on with at school and came to really dominate the meet ups.... choosing the venue, days etc all around herself. I just crept slowly back and let her be Queen Bee. I just don't have the energy for teenage behaviour in adults old enough to have learned some life lessons.

@Coffeepot72

*And then I went out and got myself some new friends. And they are wonderful. Life is much better now I don't have to deal with such fuckwittery.*

@booplefloof I’m so glad you managed to find some nicer friends, but how/where??

@Coffeepot72 - nicer friends finding them.

I'm 50 now but in my 30's disassociated myself from 2 male platonic close friends and also a best friend died suddenly when I was 33. My childhood best friend was also out of the picture.

I joined a support group but it was also a friendship group, advertised on Gumtree personal ads for single women in their 30s. I met a few people at what she termed 'Girls Nights In' and cherrypicked a few I wanted to hang out with/make friends with. Ultimately I had a close friendship group of 4 of us (3 friends) until one got very strange with me and another woman.

Joining local groups like choirs/volunteering/yoga also helps.

People who treat others like this are just nasty. Ditch her. Simply do not contact her or respond to her again. She is not your friend. Do not wish her "happy anythings" again. Enjoy life with your real friends.

Yeah I’m with the other Mums - she’s not your friend. Doesn’t sound like she’s anyone’s friend …. Not even her own. When we cut ties with the haters we make space for something better.

I think u should ask her and maybe asked any mutual friends if they know about it? I’m sure they may have asked her why you were not invited.

I simply would not ask, would make a mental note and she would be out. I am 47 and no longer have the patience to suffer fools, especially bitchy fools. Just drop her. She obviously doesn´t like you, she probably doesn't like anyone, so keep the nice ones and ditch the toxic ones.

She sounds jealous of you for some reason I know a woman like this she cuts people out of her life at the drop of a hat.
I would ask why she excluded you then cut her out of your life

I would ask her outright, or tell her your feelings were hurt. This has already affected your relationship permanently anyway. But you know it’s her not you, right?
I know people are saying get rid, but that can be tricky in larger grp, but I wouldn’t give her the headspace after this. If you decide to not say anything then that’s fine but move on.

I'd remove my name from any shared WhatsApp groups.....
She'll know then.....

Don't ask her. She wants a reaction that's why she did it. She'll gaslight you and accuse you of ruining her birthday and being difficult etc. Shes never going to apologise or explain. You just need to walk away from her. Its shit and it hurt's but she is not your friend she's a damaged person who gets a hit from making someone feel rubbish and excluded.

@UniversalAunt

Hi *@Burnamer* yes, I said that, but that is not my judgement of her or any other person. Those comments made as a fictional putative self-assessment of the protagonist’s internal dialogue.

I would not & do not make comments about other people, the comments are a window into her self-loathing.

The rest of the thread expands & MNetters share their own experiences. OP is not alone in this experience, that other people have been through the same form of ghosting & unfair treatment by their loved ones & ‘friends’.

Too many of us have been through this hurt, sometimes deliberately inflicted, sometimes unintended. As a pp said ‘hurt people hurt people’.

I’ll stick to the day job.

But @UniversalAunt there is nothing in the information given by OP that the her friend, the protagonist, feels like that about herself at all. You’ve created an entirely fictional character and chosen characteristics for her to have. I’m not sure what that adds or why you chose for her to loathe those aspects of herself. It’s odd at best?

I don’t understand your use of the word putative in this context though so maybe I’m missing something.

@UnconditionalSurrender

Don't ask her. She wants a reaction that's why she did it. She'll gaslight you and accuse you of ruining her birthday and being difficult etc. Shes never going to apologise or explain. You just need to walk away from her. Its shit and it hurt's but she is not your friend she's a damaged person who gets a hit from making someone feel rubbish and excluded.

Yes she will do this.

But if your intention is calmly provide the truth over her lies and expose her behaviour to the rest of the group rather than have any expectations of her apologising or changing then you can choose your words and actions to deliver that objective.

It will trigger her to cause carnage - but if you can weather it and trust that at least some of the audience with “see it” and once the dust has settled they will align with your values then it might be worth the risk.

The other alternative is to say nothing to her, stop engaging in the group whatsapp and group activities but talk when appropriate, calmly with other group members one on one and build a parallel friendship group if that’s what you want in the longer term. You might well find in your one to ones that they are sick of her being overbearing and dominating by organising everything and treating others appallingly.

They might be worried that they are the only one seeing her behaviour.

Have you discussed her behaviour with anyone else in the group in the past?

Burnamer
But@UniversalAuntthere is nothing in the information given by OP that the her friend, the protagonist, feels like that about herself at all. You’ve created an entirely fictional character and chosen characteristics for her to have. I’m not sure what that adds or why you chose for her to loathe those aspects of herself. It’s odd at best?

I don’t understand your use of the word putative in this context though so maybe I’m missing something.

You're not missing anything at all except the stench of bullshit from UniversalAunt.

UniversalAunt
Too many of us have been through this hurt, sometimes deliberately inflicted, sometimes unintended. As a pp said ‘hurt people hurt people’.

I have been through so much hurt in my life that my counsellor cried for me on occasions. I can assure you I don't carry on like that. Oh and I'm also perimenopausal.

A friend was so proud when her quite stroppy 15 year old opted to go into town with friend x who had been purposefully excluded from a group party by a mini queen bee. My friends Dd wouldn’t even take part in the exclusion.

@MsTSwift

A friend was so proud when her quite stroppy 15 year old opted to go into town with friend x who had been purposefully excluded from a group party by a mini queen bee. My friends Dd wouldn’t even take part in the exclusion.

What a strong and wonderful young woman. No wonder your friend is proud! We need more people like this young woman in the world!

@booplefloof

I just remembered I had a really similar thing happen but with school mums in the village. It was a big 'clique', and they were not always so nice to me but I smiled because DD was good friends with their DC. But it really hurt and I felt like I was at school myself.

I walked past a friends garden one night (genuinely someone who I thought was a friend, our DH's were good friends and we did a lot together) and they were having a massive garden party. I didn't say anything to anyone but I was so surprised as I had organized a BBQ at mine the weekend before and no one said anything. Turns out it was her birthday.

Anyway, a couple of months later, the organizer needed a really big favour and I was the only person who could help. Of course, I did, I am not a spiteful person and it didn't affect me at all.
I remember at the end she said 'I'm sorry about the garden party.'
I said 'what? Why?'
She said 'for not inviting you.'
I said 'don't be daft. You are not obliged. You can invite whoever you want to your parties.'

And then I went out and got myself some new friends. And they are wonderful.
Life is much better now I don't have to deal with such fuckwittery.

Oh I wish you had said something like 'yes, I was surprised. Not the behaviour of a normal person at all. Told me all I needed to know about you really so you did me a favour thanks '

@Theblacksheepandme

UniversalAunt Too many of us have been through this hurt, sometimes deliberately inflicted, sometimes unintended. As a pp said ‘hurt people hurt people’.

I have been through so much hurt in my life that my counsellor cried for me on occasions. I can assure you I don't carry on like that. Oh and I'm also perimenopausal.

Sorry to hear that A lot of my friends have had horrendous lives and they're lovely people. It's just in some people to be wicked.

[quote fourandtwo]@billy1966 I think you’ve accidentally posted on the wrong thread![/quote]
Thank you

booplefloof
I just remembered I had a really similar thing happen but with school mums in the village.
It was a big 'clique', and they were not always so nice to me but I smiled because DD was good friends with their DC. But it really hurt and I felt like I was at school myself.

I walked past a friends garden one night (genuinely someone who I thought was a friend, our DH's were good friends and we did a lot together) and they were having a massive garden party. I didn't say anything to anyone but I was so surprised as I had organized a BBQ at mine the weekend before and no one said anything. Turns out it was her birthday.

Anyway, a couple of months later, the organizer needed a really big favour and I was the only person who could help. Of course, I did, I am not a spiteful person and it didn't affect me at all.
I remember at the end she said 'I'm sorry about the garden party.'
I said 'what? Why?'
She said 'for not inviting you.'
I said 'don't be daft. You are not obliged. You can invite whoever you want to your parties.'

And then I went out and got myself some new friends. And they are wonderful.
Life is much better now I don't have to deal with such fuckwittery.

I think you dealt with that situation so well. By doing what you did it made her look like a dick. I would have been petty but I wish I was more like you

She sounds similar to my sister who just likes to play head games and goes on little power trips. I've literally given up trying to figure her out and have cut ties as I spent too many years wondering why she did this or that. It sounds odd to normal people but I think people like your friend get off on being in total control of everything. I have a feeling that jealousy may be at the root of this. She obviously knew that it would be posted on fb and you would probably see it. I understand you really want an answer so I would ask her straight why you weren't invited. No excuse would be acceptable but at least you would get a definitive answer instead of always wondering why she did it. It doesn't matter how old we get - we still get hurt by acts of meanness. Get your answer and drop/block her as a friend. Who needs this crap.

@ChilledBeez

She sounds similar to my sister who just likes to play head games and goes on little power trips. I've literally given up trying to figure her out and have cut ties as I spent too many years wondering why she did this or that. It sounds odd to normal people but I think people like your friend get off on being in total control of everything. I have a feeling that jealousy may be at the root of this. She obviously knew that it would be posted on fb and you would probably see it. I understand you really want an answer so I would ask her straight why you weren't invited. No excuse would be acceptable but at least you would get a definitive answer instead of always wondering why she did it. It doesn't matter how old we get - we still get hurt by acts of meanness. Get your answer and drop/block her as a friend. Who needs this crap.

The answer will just be a lie though.

She’s not going to say because I am jealous and insecure and feel threatened by you.

Only do it for your own self assertion and closure - not for her to provide any rational, plausible or honest answers.

When i have come across people like the OP's "friend" I have found that they somehow manage to get queen bee status and have other women vying for their attention.
They tend to act like your bosom buddy, almost a sister then withdraw.
Somehow it's very difficult for people not to mind when they are the object of exclusion.
Of course the most effective thing to do is to not react at all and act like you don't care. Work on really not caring and spend time with people who are more genuine and don't play games.
It was good to let the others know that you weren't even aware of the party though.
It exposes her and some friends will recognise her behaviour as unpleasant.

@turnaroundtime
I am a big believer in the saying 'when someone shows who they are, listen.'
I knew that the others bitched about me (I asked people to stop telling me in the end as who would want to hear that?) and the fact that she invited all of them but not me spoke volumes. So I never bothered with any of them again. I feel I didn’t lower myself to their level and I certainly do not want to be part of a group that actively brings others down.

@Theblacksheepandme - thank you

@Coffeepot72
I found new friends quite easily, to be honest. This was pre Covid though. I am friendly and try to be nice. I am a teacher, and have a network of people from this, I have hobbies and of course, also just chatting to people. If someone asked if I fancied a drink (cuppa or wine) I said yes. And then kept the people that I really liked, in my life.
But I certainly don’t do big groups anymore and I don’t put my eggs all in one basket, so to speak. Lots of smaller groups and life is better for it.