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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be confused as to why I am excluded?

999 replies

yesitssea · 05/02/2022 23:42

My friends 50th.

She was my best pal through uni. And afterwards. We lived together in a flat share too for a few years.

Saw her normally over the past year (2 or 3 times) text her happy birthday last week and she replied really friendly like 'thanks, hope we can meet up soon!'.

I go on Facebook today and her and all of our friends are away celebrating her 50th in a hotel. I am gobsmacked. There are even people there who are more my friends than hers. Our old work colleagues. Our joint friends.

I just can't understand it. It's bizarre. She's must have known about it for months. We caught up before christmas and nothing was mentioned.

She does have a history of occasionally singling one person out and excluding them for a while. She likes to be the organiser of weekends away etc.

Im wondering if it's my turn. She's done it to another of our friends and we all noticed and just purposefully made sure that person was forwarded on the invitation every event that was organised.

Can you help me understand what's gone on here? It's so weird. Am I the pariah this time?

Even my Mum said to me 'oh Kerry's 50th looks fab, why didn't you go?' As she had seen pics on Facebook. So awkward.

OP posts:
Ddot · 08/02/2022 06:57

She is just one of those annoying nasty people, who get a kick from hurting someone, anyone and yes you were the chosen one. Ooh we had a lovely time ha you didnt. She will pick a person who she perceives to be happy and have the life she wants. It will backfire on her when people get the gist of her drama making antics (we are not 4) if anyone asks tell them what happened but dont give it oxygen otherwise. She is a very sad and unhappy individual and will stay stuck that way because of how she conducts herself. Keep her at arms length and if you have short arms, legs length. Then at an appropriate time cut her completely out of your being. You will find all your mates will do the same one by one

Juniper68 · 08/02/2022 07:05

@howtoleaveit

This happened to me. I introduced her to friends I’d made. Fast forward a couple of years and up pops an event on Facebook that they’re all invited to and I’m not. We were supposed to be best mates. It really really hurt and I was really upset. I vented that hurt and the result was that they all dropped me. Turns out she’d been laying the groundwork to exclude me for months and she won. They all chose her. I blocked the lot of them and moved on but it still hurts to be honest. I’ll never ever introduce someone to other friends again. It really hit my self esteem too. My advice is to get some dates in the diary one on one or small groups with your friends. Block her from social media and your life. She’s poison. Don’t speak to anyone about her. Only answer with a shrug and “I had no idea it was happening” if someone asks. Say “oh well can’t be invited to everything” “I thought we were friends but obviously not” that kind of thing. She’s been thinking about this for a while. She’s nasty and a game player. Don’t play her game. Stop her seeing your social media. She’ll be looking at and feeding off what you post. She’s a narc. Read up about narcissistic discard. That’s what she does. Time to cut her off. Don’t answer her messages again. Going silent on a narc is the only thing that gets to them. Take back control
I'm so sorry that happened to you. They did you a favour in the long run. Better off without poison.
Toanewstart23 · 08/02/2022 07:05

So there’s no real chat beforehand.

But there’s some

RussiasGreatestLoveMachine · 08/02/2022 07:08

Still not sure how it’s helping the OP to point it out.

Confusedpapoose · 08/02/2022 07:18

I think you’re well rid ❤️

Coffeepot72 · 08/02/2022 07:19

And then I went out and got myself some new friends. And they are wonderful.
Life is much better now I don't have to deal with such fuckwittery.

@booplefloof I’m so glad you managed to find some nicer friends, but how/where??

Toanewstart23 · 08/02/2022 07:20

@RussiasGreatestLoveMachine

Still not sure how it’s helping the OP to point it out.
Because we can all blow smoke up her area and blame this woman

But the reality is - not a single person contacted the OP before during or after the event. Not one. Supposedly closer friends to the op than the woman.

Toanewstart23 · 08/02/2022 07:20

Arse not area!

Takeitonthechin · 08/02/2022 07:22

I wouldn't ask her and give her the satisfaction she'd hurt your feelings. I'd just be the bigger person wish her well as you have done and go get on with your life. Just realise your friendship has changed. For a 'friend' to do this they're not really a true friend. She's obviously got issues and is quite childish for her age. Find friends who are kind and mature in attitude.

Ddot · 08/02/2022 07:38

Your friends were told you were busy so couldnt attend. Why would they question this. You have something else that clashes with that date, it happens. Please don't read too much into this, move on. Arrange tea and cake with a few of your close mates and forget the corrosive nasty one. Never existed did she

Toanewstart23 · 08/02/2022 07:40

@Ddot

Your friends were told you were busy so couldnt attend. Why would they question this. You have something else that clashes with that date, it happens. Please don't read too much into this, move on. Arrange tea and cake with a few of your close mates and forget the corrosive nasty one. Never existed did she
But the OP obviously has zero contact with these “friends”

It’s so strange that posters are ignoring the obvious
It wasn’t just the birthday girl. It was all the other attendees that the Op is supposedly closer to than the woman.

Burnamer · 08/02/2022 08:04

@UniversalAunt

Being shown-up by someone else’s good sense & simple wordless actions, to be a sloppy sad middled-aged soak with no man, no children, insecure & mean, menopausal & about to crash 50

Are you really judging a woman for being single, child-free and 50? That’s so sad. If women can’t rely on other women to not discriminate and judge, what hope is there?

I don’t think the OP’s “friend” sounds pleasant at all but judge her on her actions not on the above criteria fgs.

Lalliella · 08/02/2022 08:05

So she lied to her friends and now they’re finding out? Hope they all ditch her. And rally round you. And you all have lots of happy times together without birthday girl.

Original poster
yesitssea · 08/02/2022 08:07

@booplefloof

I just remembered I had a really similar thing happen but with school mums in the village. It was a big 'clique', and they were not always so nice to me but I smiled because DD was good friends with their DC. But it really hurt and I felt like I was at school myself.

I walked past a friends garden one night (genuinely someone who I thought was a friend, our DH's were good friends and we did a lot together) and they were having a massive garden party. I didn't say anything to anyone but I was so surprised as I had organized a BBQ at mine the weekend before and no one said anything. Turns out it was her birthday.

Anyway, a couple of months later, the organizer needed a really big favour and I was the only person who could help. Of course, I did, I am not a spiteful person and it didn't affect me at all.
I remember at the end she said 'I'm sorry about the garden party.'
I said 'what? Why?'
She said 'for not inviting you.'
I said 'don't be daft. You are not obliged. You can invite whoever you want to your parties.'

And then I went out and got myself some new friends. And they are wonderful.
Life is much better now I don't have to deal with such fuckwittery.

So sorry that happened to you. X
OP posts:
Sleepybumble · 08/02/2022 08:08

Sounds like you're well rid OP. I've had a similar experience and feel so much better without her around now

ESGdance · 08/02/2022 08:21

You said that they are now chatting on the standard group WA? They must have come off this weekend to arrange the weekend?

Was everyone from the group there except you? Or was it say 6 out or a group of 15?

UserBot9to5 · 08/02/2022 08:28

Yes, there was another whatsapp group do discuss.

When this happened to me it changed me. Never again will i be even casually party to excluding somebody. I had in the past gone to events not knowing or understanding why x or y was not invited

Fuck that now. Im 51. I want decent sound people as friends. I may not be a member of a big cool group but my friendships are good. Kind of given up on groups. I focus on one to one relationships now.

Mellowyellow222 · 08/02/2022 08:40

We have this is a large friendship group. I have moved to the periphery after breaking my heart over a baby shower about a decade ago.

To be honest now that I have accepted the queen bee for who she is I just find it amusing.

I have other friends - this group is from school and i do enjoy meeting up every few months. I know sometimes I am invited and sometimes not. I honestly don’t care now - but it used to really hurt.

I have a friend who has now had enough and is freezing the queen bee out - but she is so invested - waiting for contact. The contact this now forty year old woman has over the same group of girls from school is impressive.

She is good fun on a night out - and when you are in favour it is lovely. She totally live bombs you, takes you into her confidence, is kind and sweet and generous. Then bam - you find she has been bitching about you or you are suddenly excluded. Then six month later the cycle starts again.

nevertoooldforindie · 08/02/2022 08:58

I’m sorry this happened to you OP. People can be so cruel. I’ve had a similar experience with a friend . It still hurts now And really affected my mental health and confidence now Worse than any break up. I think it’s more difficult to talk about friend issues as well and there’s not as much support. You sound like a fab person concentrate on your other friends. It would be nice to think these people eventually get some kind of karmic downfall.

diddl · 08/02/2022 09:01

"But the OP obviously has zero contact with these “friends”

It’s so strange that posters are ignoring the obvious
It wasn’t just the birthday girl. It was all the other attendees that the Op is supposedly closer to than the woman."

It's hard to understand isn't it?

I have different friends who I would invite to different things-and not all to my bday unless it was a big party.

The thought the same group doing stuff together & all going to each others birthdays seems unusual to me.

Maybe the group is more fluid than I'm thinking and maybe not everyone went to the birthday thing?

UniversalAunt · 08/02/2022 09:04

Hi @Burnamer yes, I said that, but that is not my judgement of her or any other person. Those comments made as a fictional putative self-assessment of the protagonist’s internal dialogue.

I would not & do not make comments about other people, the comments are a window into her self-loathing.

The rest of the thread expands & MNetters share their own experiences. OP is not alone in this experience, that other people have been through the same form of ghosting & unfair treatment by their loved ones & ‘friends’.

Too many of us have been through this hurt, sometimes deliberately inflicted, sometimes unintended. As a pp said ‘hurt people hurt people’.

I’ll stick to the day job.

billy1966 · 08/02/2022 09:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fourandtwo · 08/02/2022 09:33

@booplefloof that was a fantastic, classy response and I think you’re great!

fourandtwo · 08/02/2022 09:34

@billy1966 I think you’ve accidentally posted on the wrong thread!

dee1969 · 08/02/2022 09:48

I don’t understand if your all such good friends why no one else mentioned it to you. Surely unless they were told not to they would presume you were going.