Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be confused as to why I am excluded?

999 replies

yesitssea · 05/02/2022 23:42

My friends 50th.

She was my best pal through uni. And afterwards. We lived together in a flat share too for a few years.

Saw her normally over the past year (2 or 3 times) text her happy birthday last week and she replied really friendly like 'thanks, hope we can meet up soon!'.

I go on Facebook today and her and all of our friends are away celebrating her 50th in a hotel. I am gobsmacked. There are even people there who are more my friends than hers. Our old work colleagues. Our joint friends.

I just can't understand it. It's bizarre. She's must have known about it for months. We caught up before christmas and nothing was mentioned.

She does have a history of occasionally singling one person out and excluding them for a while. She likes to be the organiser of weekends away etc.

Im wondering if it's my turn. She's done it to another of our friends and we all noticed and just purposefully made sure that person was forwarded on the invitation every event that was organised.

Can you help me understand what's gone on here? It's so weird. Am I the pariah this time?

Even my Mum said to me 'oh Kerry's 50th looks fab, why didn't you go?' As she had seen pics on Facebook. So awkward.

OP posts:
Mary46 · 07/02/2022 22:30

Grown women can be nasty. Op I suit myself now with friends. One or two loyal thats it. I find the girls that went along with her antics are as much to blame too

turnaroundtime · 07/02/2022 22:39

OP please come back and update us if she ever says anything

Feeascotime · 07/02/2022 22:49

I can't believe we're talking about a 50 year old. She has issues. Sounds like when someone offends her in the slightest she seeks revenge, rather than sort it out like an adult should. That is why I would not bother to speak to her about it. You would be playing right into her hands and showing you felt her sting. I would just ignore it and move on - she is no friend.
As for your other friends, it could be that they thought you were invited but strange that you did not come up as this involved planning. Did they perhaps assume you could not attend for some reason?
Honestly, I am surprised the rest have put up with this meaness. Sorry you had to experience this from such a long time friendship Sad

BeenHereForAges · 07/02/2022 22:52

Cut her loose op.
She sounds like a proper dick.

Whattochoosenow · 07/02/2022 22:57

This person is not your friend. She is a manipulator and a bully.

LoisLane66 · 07/02/2022 23:00

Boy am I glad that I don't know anyone like that. Juvenile games and tittle tattle. Time to grow up and shed the social media slime. I can't, for the life of me, envisage any normal adult let alone women in their 30s-50s, playing mind games or asking strangers for advice on dealing with psychos.

Original poster
yesitssea · 07/02/2022 23:04

@turnaroundtime

OP please come back and update us if she ever says anything
I will do.

I doubt I'll hear anything from her.

I bet in a few months time she's going to text as if nothing wrong.

People have so many similar stories.

I didn't realise this behaviour was a common thing. Seems it is.

OP posts:
Theblacksheepandme · 07/02/2022 23:04

LoisLane66
Boy am I glad that I don't know anyone like that. Juvenile games and tittle tattle. Time to grow up and shed the social media slime. I can't, for the life of me, envisage any normal adult let alone women in their 30s-50s, playing mind games or asking strangers for advice on dealing with psychos.

I think OP is feeling terrible for what happened to her. She is asking strangers because sometimes it is good to get a stranger's perspective.

Theblacksheepandme · 07/02/2022 23:05

OP please don't let time allow you to forgive her. She is not a nice person and never will be.

n0shy · 07/02/2022 23:18

Don't stress about it she's clearly not worth it, but if I want to make her squirm a bit put her on the spot and ask her straight out.

Ijsbear · 07/02/2022 23:26

I think UniversalAunt at 18:59:49 had it down to a T.

Given that she was so close to you as a teen when times were tough and that she's turned on you now, if you do respond to her when she gets back in touch (and I can see why you would) .. then be aware it might happen more often.

The damage done when young can take decades to fully work itself out and unless her sort of mean behaviour is nipped in the bud, it grows. It's too late to nip it now, though.

vinoinveritas · 07/02/2022 23:42

@SillyBud

Eugh so sorry, I've being there and it stings and the truth is after this the friendship is never the same again and your memories of it will be tainted. Of course you'll be told here to ask which in theory is logical but in reality is difficult and for some people can be outright impossible to address. And even if you ask, which I did, the truth will not be given. The hardest things ime about these type of things is the aftershock in that you lose confidence and faith in all of your other relationships and in people in general. That's the lasting damage/scar that stays with you.
That’s so true - It’s definitely the general confidence knock that affects you & makes you question how you come across to others when something horrible like this happens. At age 50, you honestly would hope people would be more mature and kinder!! It’s really sad some people aren’t...
2018SoFarSoGreat · 07/02/2022 23:55

I'm sorry this happened, OP. I know how hurtful it is, especially when you know the history and how much you don't deserve her treatment - but then it sounds like nobody really does!

I'd find it so hard to say nothing to her, to be honest. I like the suggestions of 'oh, it is my turn now' kind of thing - that gets to the point, and you can send then block, without anything being lost.

sue20 · 08/02/2022 00:17

Yes cut ties. She’s got something going on but I’m sure you will be best off without her in the long run. She’s testing you she must have expected that you would see the fb page. Don’t ask sounds like you’ve got it right if she has often done before. Just drift away don’t respond to her let her realise she’s lost your friendship. Plenty more worthwhile people out there !

JacquelineCarlyle · 08/02/2022 00:27

What a horrible person and an awful way to behave. I agree she must be very sad as no regular happy person behaves in this way.

Glad you've decided to cut ties Op as she's not worth your time, energy or worry!

swampygirl · 08/02/2022 01:06

What a selfish bitch. She's not a true friend and by the sounds of it she never has been. If that was me, I wouldn't piss on her if she was on fire.
Cut all ties, don't look back, hold your head high and move forward. She's not worth your time.

Bortles · 08/02/2022 01:56

Id be going out individually with the friends that are more yours than hers. And also cutting back contact. And also saying nothing about it to her.

Chocomelon · 08/02/2022 02:20

It's odd and not very nice but it does sound like you were ok with this behaviour when you were not on the receiving end.

LaBellina · 08/02/2022 04:34

She’s the grown up version of a mean girl.
She has shown her true character before when it were other people that she deliberately excluded. When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time. Don’t make the mistake that when you see them treat others cruel without reason that they won’t do the same to you because you’re friends. Reason why I’ll never confide in anyone that gossips about their friends problems and secrets. Cut ties and don’t look back.

howtoleaveit · 08/02/2022 04:52

This happened to me. I introduced her to friends I’d made. Fast forward a couple of years and up pops an event on Facebook that they’re all invited to and I’m not. We were supposed to be best mates. It really really hurt and I was really upset. I vented that hurt and the result was that they all dropped me. Turns out she’d been laying the groundwork to exclude me for months and she won. They all chose her. I blocked the lot of them and moved on but it still hurts to be honest. I’ll never ever introduce someone to other friends again. It really hit my self esteem too. My advice is to get some dates in the diary one on one or small groups with your friends. Block her from social media and your life. She’s poison. Don’t speak to anyone about her. Only answer with a shrug and “I had no idea it was happening” if someone asks. Say “oh well can’t be invited to everything” “I thought we were friends but obviously not” that kind of thing. She’s been thinking about this for a while. She’s nasty and a game player. Don’t play her game. Stop her seeing your social media. She’ll be looking at and feeding off what you post. She’s a narc. Read up about narcissistic discard. That’s what she does. Time to cut her off. Don’t answer her messages again. Going silent on a narc is the only thing that gets to them. Take back control

Faevern · 08/02/2022 06:00

@Chocomelon

It's odd and not very nice but it does sound like you were ok with this behaviour when you were not on the receiving end.
Yep this in spades. And although OP may have had a few messages, it wasn't until the friends got home, no one actually challenged the birthday girl, just as the OP didn't in the past.
Toanewstart23 · 08/02/2022 06:05

And what continues to intrigue me
Is that not ONE of the fitness conte tee the OP BEFORE the weekend

When I go away with friends - there’s discussion beforehand about logistics, transport, activities, food arrangements

And yet NONE of them bothered about the OP

Speaks volumes

Toanewstart23 · 08/02/2022 06:05

Not ONE of the friends contacted

booplefloof · 08/02/2022 06:16

I just remembered I had a really similar thing happen but with school mums in the village.
It was a big 'clique', and they were not always so nice to me but I smiled because DD was good friends with their DC. But it really hurt and I felt like I was at school myself.

I walked past a friends garden one night (genuinely someone who I thought was a friend, our DH's were good friends and we did a lot together) and they were having a massive garden party. I didn't say anything to anyone but I was so surprised as I had organized a BBQ at mine the weekend before and no one said anything. Turns out it was her birthday.

Anyway, a couple of months later, the organizer needed a really big favour and I was the only person who could help. Of course, I did, I am not a spiteful person and it didn't affect me at all.
I remember at the end she said 'I'm sorry about the garden party.'
I said 'what? Why?'
She said 'for not inviting you.'
I said 'don't be daft. You are not obliged. You can invite whoever you want to your parties.'

And then I went out and got myself some new friends. And they are wonderful.
Life is much better now I don't have to deal with such fuckwittery.

RussiasGreatestLoveMachine · 08/02/2022 06:35

@Toanewstart23

And what continues to intrigue me Is that not ONE of the fitness conte tee the OP BEFORE the weekend

When I go away with friends - there’s discussion beforehand about logistics, transport, activities, food arrangements

And yet NONE of them bothered about the OP

Speaks volumes

I don’t think this is really helping the OP, is it? It’s just making her feel even more shit.

I don’t necessarily chat about events with friends beforehand, because I don’t know - for sure - exactly who’s been invited.

I’ve got a girls’ weekend in a couple of weeks - as a random example.

It’s not the full group by any stretch - because it’s a very rare event that absolutely everyone gets invited to.

So there’s no real chat beforehand.

Maybe that’s not a good example.

But I just don’t think the lack of chat necessarily means anything. And at worst, pointing it out is only going to make the OP feel worse.

Swipe left for the next trending thread