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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be confused as to why I am excluded?

999 replies

yesitssea · 05/02/2022 23:42

My friends 50th.

She was my best pal through uni. And afterwards. We lived together in a flat share too for a few years.

Saw her normally over the past year (2 or 3 times) text her happy birthday last week and she replied really friendly like 'thanks, hope we can meet up soon!'.

I go on Facebook today and her and all of our friends are away celebrating her 50th in a hotel. I am gobsmacked. There are even people there who are more my friends than hers. Our old work colleagues. Our joint friends.

I just can't understand it. It's bizarre. She's must have known about it for months. We caught up before christmas and nothing was mentioned.

She does have a history of occasionally singling one person out and excluding them for a while. She likes to be the organiser of weekends away etc.

Im wondering if it's my turn. She's done it to another of our friends and we all noticed and just purposefully made sure that person was forwarded on the invitation every event that was organised.

Can you help me understand what's gone on here? It's so weird. Am I the pariah this time?

Even my Mum said to me 'oh Kerry's 50th looks fab, why didn't you go?' As she had seen pics on Facebook. So awkward.

OP posts:
Ddot · 07/02/2022 20:17

Some people are just mean

GCG1 · 07/02/2022 20:18

Her loss! Sounds like she gaslights people (if it were a husband the world would be outraged)

Move on. You have better friends out there. Ignore her calls, ignore her messages. You owe her nothing.
Friendship is a reciprocal arrangement

ESGdance · 07/02/2022 20:25

@Jux

Y''know, I couldn't resist calling her out on it. I'd have to post something like

"Looks great, glad you all had fun. It had to be my turn for the exclusion card at some point, I suppose. Happy birthday though!"

You could add in some detail “…had to be my turn for exclusion after x, y and z - who’s next out of a, b and c?”
Mumchumof2 · 07/02/2022 20:31

This happened to me recently with a bunch of school mum friends. One is particularly controlling and I have never really ‘confirmed’ like the others do. She recently got annoyed because my son sat a school entrance exam and I didn’t tell her (we didn’t tell anyone, it’s private) so she decided to plan a mutual school mums birthday, exclude me then post how brilliant it was on social media.... I began to distance my self and then she did it again, but bigger and better.... I took the power back, blocked and deleted from all social media and just don’t bother speaking to her or her little followers... I always find the people surrounding the person watching them be mean and say nothing aren’t my kind of people... OP find new friends, it’s hard but know your worth x

Mumchumof2 · 07/02/2022 20:31

Sorry ‘conformed’ not ‘confirmed’

JohnStonesMissus · 07/02/2022 20:34

@Jux

Y''know, I couldn't resist calling her out on it. I'd have to post something like

"Looks great, glad you all had fun. It had to be my turn for the exclusion card at some point, I suppose. Happy birthday though!"

You see I wouldn't bother because it would show that I actually gave a fuck, if the OP show she's bothered by the drama it would play right in to her hands, people like that love drama, they feed off it...cut off the supply by blocking and ignoring.
Londoncallingme · 07/02/2022 20:35

ASK HER!
A fairly close friend of mine excluded me from her bd party. I asked her and it turned out that her new BF used to work for my DH and really didn’t like him! So we didn’t get invited! She’s split with him now and I’m invited again but I’ve never attended, always have an excuse which we both know is not true, things will never be quite the same.

AgathaX · 07/02/2022 20:47

I hope she's feeling a bit embarrassed now, although I'm sure she'll have woven her own narrative in her head.

Meet up with your other friends. Tell them the truth if asked, including that you were hurt by it. I wouldn't let her back in ever though.

Lovely13 · 07/02/2022 20:48

@Dishwashersaurous

For closure purposes you need to ask her.

Simply send her a message. HAPPY birthday, hope that you had a great weekend away. Is there a reason that I was excluded?

This seems the best option. Head held high and walk away. Sorry your friend has hurt you like this. It’s her inadequacy making her behave like a di*k
Jewel52 · 07/02/2022 20:49

Depressing isn’t it that some people just never grow out of this? Used to make me feel sad and excluded but realised more recently that it’s on them and I have other friendship options. Don’t hang on to anything or anyone for the sake of past ties.

FabriqueBelgique · 07/02/2022 20:49

@Jux

Y''know, I couldn't resist calling her out on it. I'd have to post something like

"Looks great, glad you all had fun. It had to be my turn for the exclusion card at some point, I suppose. Happy birthday though!"

This is perfect!
Wearethechampionsmyfriend · 07/02/2022 20:54

How awful for you to have seen that on fb, just reading your post gave me a pit in my stomach. I've been there and like you gave her a wide birth, I was hurt and actually devastated but am so much happier now, I don't have to play to anyone else's tune. I would have put on fb in response to why you weren't there 'it's obviously my turn this time!'

OhWhyNot · 07/02/2022 20:59

What a mean thing to do

And she does it over and over again

She isn’t a very nice person

ESGdance · 07/02/2022 21:04

@yesitssea

People are asking why be her friend anyway.

I suppose it's such a long term thing that we are (were) entwined with each other's lives. Friends, jobs together, spent a lot of time at each other's parents houses.

I also think that the drunken night out might have been the trigger. I just don't drink that much these days. I have to be up with my son. I also have a hard job, that requires lots of graft (not that she doesn't, but I like my sleep and drinking disturbs that).

I get the vibe that maybe I would be seen as a wet blanket. I'm not, just quiet and introverted. I also have news that I would have shared with those friends that she knows- I got a promotion and we are moving to the countryside. I am wondering if she thought I might dim her star (I definitely wouldn't ha ha but sometimes that's how her brain works).

I also think posters are right about trouble in her childhood/life. Her parents were alcoholics, divorced acrimoniously after her mother had a very public affair. My mother pretty much took her in as well when this happened. She ate with us every night. Stayed over. These were the few years after uni in the 90's.

She has never settled, never married, never really had relationships, never had kids. She seems sad. But I don't want her sadness to rub off on me so I think that's us done for a while.

I think this exposes a bit more maybe.

You are much more than Uni friends - as a PP said almost siblings at a very difficult time in her life.

You know too much about her toxic childhood background which is not her fault but means she is likely somewhat emotionally compromised and she likely hasn’t addressed that but hides it from herself and others - but you know the true her which makes her feel uneasy. She is clearly emotionally inadequate and has to discharge her internal chaos and helplessness through controlling the external world and wielding power in relationships. This is her maladaptive reactive coping mechanism. She’s a mess. Hurt people, hurt people…..and she will be very triggered and double down on her anger, resentment and manipulation if you call her out on it.

It’s a hard one. We get nowhere if a light is not shone on bullying and poor behaviour - and it doesn’t have to be a confrontation - it can be calm and assertive - posed as a question rather than a judgement which will flip her into rage.

Bit of a tight rope - you can be gentle and non emotional - asking a factual question - but if you think she is emotionally messy you are not likely to get a rational productive response…..but maybe that doesn’t matter and maybe that will just bring it all to a head and is necessary to expose it all - if you can stand calm in the face of someone’s rage and weather the storm.

Mummywifey · 07/02/2022 21:07

I’m the recipient of this recently - only they are not even hiding it! I went out for a meal with the group before Xmas and they were openly talking about a spa weekend and I wasn’t invited.

I was a bit hurt. But I realised that I am the one pushing to maintain the friendship. I liked all the social Media photos and just won’t bother in the future. I’m a nice person. Their loss!

PearPickingPorky · 07/02/2022 21:12

Just take the benefits, OP.

She's done something to let you off the hook, so to speak, so you don't have to endure any more of her drunken antics and selfish/spiteful behaviour. She's done you a favour.

Fuckaduck21 · 07/02/2022 21:18

I had this happen to me...except it was my mother's 60th birthday party. Woke up to FB posts from her with loads of pictures and the caption "amazing birthday party with all my wonderful family!". Except it wasn't all of them, I was never invited. No surprise that I'm NC with the lot of them now.

Lullab · 07/02/2022 21:19

Sounds like playground bullying. She wants to be in charge. Maybe just do it to back to her and say you forgot about her!

rebeccachoc · 07/02/2022 21:28

You need better, more mature friends. I'm sorry you were treated this way but I bet its her loss, not yours.

UniversalAunt · 07/02/2022 21:28

Quite @ESGdance.

Pinkfluff76 · 07/02/2022 21:33

So sorry OP that’s so sad for you. Hope you’re ok 💗

AgathaX · 07/02/2022 21:41

Fuckaduck21 that's awful. You're better off without them in your life.

ChooseYourUsernameWisely · 07/02/2022 21:42

How shameful that she would do this! I too have fallen victim to someone similar some years ago now. You are best without her, she’s no friend.

Fuckaduck21 · 07/02/2022 21:47

@AgathaX

Fuckaduck21 that's awful. You're better off without them in your life.
Absolutely! My mother has a long history of being an absolute twat putting it mildly and this was almost the straw that broke the camels back. She nearly ruined my wedding 6 months after that (slow learner) so went very LC...she blocked me when my dad died of covid nearly a year ago Confused at which point I let every single person on that side of my family go. So much more to the background but it's not my thread 😂
TheJade · 07/02/2022 22:19

This is sad. You must feel really hurt 😞. X