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Original poster

To be confused as to why I am excluded?

999 replies

yesitssea · 05/02/2022 23:42

My friends 50th.

She was my best pal through uni. And afterwards. We lived together in a flat share too for a few years.

Saw her normally over the past year (2 or 3 times) text her happy birthday last week and she replied really friendly like 'thanks, hope we can meet up soon!'.

I go on Facebook today and her and all of our friends are away celebrating her 50th in a hotel. I am gobsmacked. There are even people there who are more my friends than hers. Our old work colleagues. Our joint friends.

I just can't understand it. It's bizarre. She's must have known about it for months. We caught up before christmas and nothing was mentioned.

She does have a history of occasionally singling one person out and excluding them for a while. She likes to be the organiser of weekends away etc.

Im wondering if it's my turn. She's done it to another of our friends and we all noticed and just purposefully made sure that person was forwarded on the invitation every event that was organised.

Can you help me understand what's gone on here? It's so weird. Am I the pariah this time?

Even my Mum said to me 'oh Kerry's 50th looks fab, why didn't you go?' As she had seen pics on Facebook. So awkward.

OP posts:
UniversalAunt · 07/02/2022 18:59

Ah Bisto!! @yesitssea the gravy thickens.

From what you have said ‘ I also think posters are right about trouble in her childhood/life. Her parents were alcoholics, divorced acrimoniously after her mother had a very public affair. My mother pretty much took her in as well when this happened. She ate with us every night. Stayed over. These were the few years after uni in the 90's. ’

She is really rather sad.
You are more than just some friend, she is a proto sibling given how your mother very kindly took her under her wing.
Is she still in touch with your mum?

So, her nixxing you is more potent than any others who have gone before. Prolly your promotion & move to the country (plus you having a lovely mum, marriage, children & be able to manage your alcohol) are the proverbial straw on the Camelids’s hump. Maybe to her, you are the golden child/sibling & she needs to do you down at this time to feel acknowledged.

But you don’t really have familial relationships & any attachment she may have to your mum & you is skewed by her troubled disrupted childhood.

This saga is not really about you.

thesunwillout · 07/02/2022 19:01

Just wondering what someone else said up thread.

Have you been in touch with any of your other joint friends in the weeks/ months run up to this?

It seems odd that no-one mentioned it at all, even on social media?

Or did she invite people and tell people not to say anything because you couldn't make it and were upset you couldn't.

I'm probably over thinking but it's the sort of even surely someone would have brought up beforehand?

Mandyjack · 07/02/2022 19:03

If she's got a history of doing it why hasn't anyone called her out on it before? Maybe ask your friends who went if they know why you wasn't invited

Mojomarvel · 07/02/2022 19:08

You’ll never get a straight answer. Don’t block her on fb, just unfollow then in a few months delete. Enough time that news of your promotion and impending house move choke the horrible cow 😊

senua · 07/02/2022 19:11

She likes to be the organiser of weekends away etc.
Why is she still in charge of socialising? Why hasn't someone else taken control?

Lunificent · 07/02/2022 19:13

@Mojomarvel

You’ll never get a straight answer. Don’t block her on fb, just unfollow then in a few months delete. Enough time that news of your promotion and impending house move choke the horrible cow 😊
Good plan.
Cheesecakeandwineinasuitcase · 07/02/2022 19:13

Dishwashersaurous
For closure purposes you need to ask her.

Simply send her a message. HAPPY birthday, hope that you had a great weekend away. Is there a reason that I was excluded?

I would do what diswashersaurous has said and would be tempted to post it to her Facebook page for all to see.

Hollywolly1 · 07/02/2022 19:14

Well we do know one thing for sure---and it's that she made sure you knew about the party afterwards as she put it up on Facebook, what a sad petty self entitled rip she is.I think your silence will speak volumes so you don't need to say one word as I wouldn't give her the satisfaction.she wants confrontation because maybe in childhood that's all she knew but if it was me I certainly wouldn't be giving it to her. Congratulations on that promotion 👏

Madge55 · 07/02/2022 19:17

I used to work with someone like this. I had worked with her on my own qnd she would be funny with me on and off and I used to just straight up ask her to tell me straight if I'd done something. She never did tell me. When I left qnd came back to the same job 3 or 4 years later she was all over me like a rash. I thought it odd at the time. Eventually I realised she was love bombing me to ostracise a colleague. Took me years to realise all the games and mind f...s she was getting up to. A total narcissist. I felt incredibly stupid that I hadn't seen it for years, but the divide and conquer tactic was the mainstay of her armoury.

JMR185 · 07/02/2022 19:20

Suggest you don't give her the satisfaction of showing you care a hoot. Also never contact her again. When she contacts you be pleasant for three seconds but cut her short and say can't chat, with friends. Don't respond to any messages. If you bump into her, excuse yourself. She's poison. Wouldn't discuss it with friends as it may get back to her and fuel her damaged ego.

BlueMongoose · 07/02/2022 19:22

@Cheesecakeandwineinasuitcase

Dishwashersaurous For closure purposes you need to ask her.

Simply send her a message. HAPPY birthday, hope that you had a great weekend away. Is there a reason that I was excluded?

I would do what diswashersaurous has said and would be tempted to post it to her Facebook page for all to see.

I wouldn't ask. She is just in power play mode, and asking hands her more of it.

As a kid, being excluded hurt. I'd get angry and even on occasion confront the offender. As an adult I changed tactics- I just write the offender off. It's simpler, and costs less in energy and emotional capital. And in many ways it is altogether nastier, though not more than a liar deserves, which I have to admit gives me a little naughty satisfaction.

When someone does something like the offender here, what they are looking for is your hurt, and their opportunity for drama. Don't reward them by letting them have it.

littleorchard45 · 07/02/2022 19:22

Your ‘friend definitely has some issues op - and you really only have 2 routes from now. Call her out by asking why you were excluded and then lied about where you were to mutual acquaintances, then bid her a calm goodbye and find your peace. Or, put her at a distance without asking her (permanently I’d suggest) and hope to find inner peace without knowing her reasons. I can understand why you don’t want to confront, but I would always have that ‘why?’ forevermore.

RiverSkater · 07/02/2022 19:22

I don't see why you are confused. Your friendship group sounds very dysfunctional and you have all equally enabled this woman and her toxic behaviour.

WitchWithoutChips · 07/02/2022 19:29

I also wouldn’t engage. If she is as damaged and deeply unhappy as you suspect then she will be desperate for you to confront her and generate some drama so that she can feel something other than insecurity and sadness.

Confront her if you wish but only because you want to, not because a load of strangers on the internet want to rubberneck at the fallout.

ShowMeTheSugar · 07/02/2022 19:32

It's never nice being excluded so I'm sorry your friend upset you. That being said, I cant understanding why you're confused given you say she has a history of doing this? If you didn't challenge her behaviour when she started to treat others that way how can you be confused when she did it to you?
Also, how out of touch with your wider friendship group are you that not one person mentioned it to you? Again, since you say in the past your group has been aware that she excluded others is it really believable that they all took her word on why you weren't there and there was no mention of it on the group chat?

Kelly7889 · 07/02/2022 19:33

If you have seen her "2 or 3 times" in a whole year, and you sent her a text message for her landmark birthday, honestly, what is this friendship except for memories of being at university 30 years ago? I
t's now that matters - what does she bring to your life on a regular basis? Nothing.

Mermaid67 · 07/02/2022 19:33

@Shitandhills

Have you also turned 50 recently or are you about to and have talked to her about it? I wonder if she's feeling insecure about this milestone and perceives that you are handling it differently/better than her and is in some way punishing you for it?

I only think that because a very close friend turned utterly batshit when we got pregnant at the same time. She just vanished, replied to messages with one word answers and I didn't even know about her pregnancy til she was 30 weeks. She was then weird and snippy after the babies were born and got really angry with me because she 'couldn't relate to my approach to parenting', when actually we had barely spoken about our kids at all, and even then I was so confused that I was very careful not to be pushy about anything that we were doing with our baby. She eventually cut me off when i disagreed that I should have a c-section that she suggested I should have for my second birth following a traumatic first labour. I really think that she was massively insecure and it felt like if I did anything differently to what she did she took it as criticism. I wonder if there could be something similar going on with this 'friend' of yours?

I was thinking the same, maybe she’s very insecure and feels the need for validation by friends asking why they were left out, not sure what the answer is but just saying she might not eat to be bitchy, just searching for a way to feel important
wingsanddreams · 07/02/2022 19:33

I know someone like that. They just love the feeling of excluding someone. They enjoy it even more if you feel sad but still remain a friend as they love manipulating your relationship. Best thing I ever did was to stop my friendship and stop wondering why. It's their problem, not yours.

CallmeBadJanet · 07/02/2022 19:33

Life's too short for that crap.

Minionbums · 07/02/2022 19:37

Please, please make sure you aren’t ‘brought back into the fold’ like the last woman was. Otherwise you’ll just end up in a cycle of this bullshit for the rest of your life - do you want to be posting here again when you’re not invited to her retirement party?!

Bugbabe1970 · 07/02/2022 19:39

@Toanewstart23

This is he most bizarre thread

The op has seen her do this multiple times to other people…. And yet she has watched it happen and remain friends with the woman

Then it happens to the op, and she’s confused. Well…. You saw it happening to others so why are you surprised

And finally… it wasn’t just her that excluded you. It was ALL the others.

Odd thread responses to totally ignoring the detail

Spot on! You reap what you sow!
Dogmummy1980 · 07/02/2022 19:42

I agree - terrible ‘friend’ - I’d cut ties

I had a ‘friend’ like this once - she had a spa day with everyone for her birthday which wasn’t even mentioned to me, turns out it was a secret hen party which I also hadn’t been told about or even invited to the wedding either!! Everyone else was. We still speak in passing on social media but needless to say I have not seen her or indeed made an effort since.

BorderlineHappy · 07/02/2022 19:52

And whatever you do,don't wish her a happy birthday.

lemonsorbetinthesun · 07/02/2022 20:04

For some reason I didn’t read or see that she was 50!!! (It’s been one of those days!)

Her behaviour is really juvenile!! Why bother? Life is too short, even at its longest.
Spend your time and feelings with people less complicated that you care for, who care for you.

Theblacksheepandme · 07/02/2022 20:04

Mojomarvel
You’ll never get a straight answer. Don’t block her on fb, just unfollow then in a few months delete. Enough time that news of your promotion and impending house move choke the horrible cow

I like your thinking.