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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be confused as to why I am excluded?

999 replies

yesitssea · 05/02/2022 23:42

My friends 50th.

She was my best pal through uni. And afterwards. We lived together in a flat share too for a few years.

Saw her normally over the past year (2 or 3 times) text her happy birthday last week and she replied really friendly like 'thanks, hope we can meet up soon!'.

I go on Facebook today and her and all of our friends are away celebrating her 50th in a hotel. I am gobsmacked. There are even people there who are more my friends than hers. Our old work colleagues. Our joint friends.

I just can't understand it. It's bizarre. She's must have known about it for months. We caught up before christmas and nothing was mentioned.

She does have a history of occasionally singling one person out and excluding them for a while. She likes to be the organiser of weekends away etc.

Im wondering if it's my turn. She's done it to another of our friends and we all noticed and just purposefully made sure that person was forwarded on the invitation every event that was organised.

Can you help me understand what's gone on here? It's so weird. Am I the pariah this time?

Even my Mum said to me 'oh Kerry's 50th looks fab, why didn't you go?' As she had seen pics on Facebook. So awkward.

OP posts:
Jeannie88 · 07/02/2022 18:03

Oh that's just too mean, who does that?! I would have to ask her and tell her what I think of her answer, which I'm sure could have no reasonable explanation, then lesson learnt and move on. Her loss. X

PurpleCatLady · 07/02/2022 18:05

I had a ‘friend’ like that - part of a group from uni with whom I was v close for over a decade. They all came to my (small) wedding, which occurred after a fairly whirlwind romance - we married a year after meeting (so not that rushed really!). I think they disliked the fact that I’d met someone lovely and was getting married more quickly - their partners had taken ages to propose. I had had a few disastrous relationships, one of which resulting in DC1, so I think my role in the group was to be the ‘unfortunate single mother’. After my wedding, we didn’t really have much contact - I was experiencing a difficult pregnancy with DC2, doing up a house, working full time and looking after DC1 age 4 - so didn’t really have time to socialise. But shortly after the birth of Dc2, Facebook revealed that one of them had got married to the man she brought to my wedding. She hadn’t even told me that they were engaged, not had any of the rest of the group. When I confronted her, she just wittered about it being a ‘small’ wedding and I wasn’t to take it “like that”. She asked in passing at that point whether I’d had a boy or a girl! As it happens, her wedding took place abroad and I wouldn’t have been able to go, but she never suggested this was the reason for not being invited. I think she just didn’t want me there, and clearly neither did the rest of the group. In fact none of the others asked after me or the baby. It was incredibly hurtful, so I simply told them I was cutting them off there and then - and I did. Haven’t spoken to any of them for over 8 years. To this day I don’t know what the reason was, though I suspect there was an element of jealousy. Who cares anyway?! No one needs arseholes like them in their lives!

UserBot9to5 · 07/02/2022 18:14

@purplecatlady, i know exactly what you mean. I left an abusive arse and didnt have a pot to piss in for years, but nearly 15 years later i have a v secure job, a house, my eldest got in to a v good university. 95% of people dont think anything. They know that my tough times were just a chapter, but there has been one or two people who not let me move on. Assumed my job was temporary. Assumed im battling for maintenance. Assumed we were so poor we got free dentistry (im in ireland). Just feel like a couple of people cant fathom that i have my own income, savings, pension..... and my DC are fine! How exasperating

Skone · 07/02/2022 18:15

This happened to me while I was going through a major life event. Posting photos on fb, talking to me about the events she organised and not 1 of them asking why I wasn't included.The sad thing is if no one confronts the person who does this so they carry on with this behaviour. I decided to cut ties with the toxic 'friend' but sadly realised that the others in the group were reluctant to see me separately in case she found out. No one in that group is a friend anymore. Tbh when this happens you realise they never were. Life's to short to bother with people like that.

AtomHeartMotherOfGod · 07/02/2022 18:15

What a bitch, but so pathetic and sad too. You sound really well adjusted - I agree that sadly, it will mean just walking away from all her dramas.

But I am still flabbergasted at how unkind and manipulative she has been about it. She's going to suffer so much more for this than you are.

Starryeyes65 · 07/02/2022 18:20

Hmm - sounds like she may be a sociopath and is her way of maintaining control . It’s very passive aggressive and I expect you are right that she has low self esteem and this makes her feel better. However you deserve better than that as do your friends who have allowed her to get away with all these years. How very British not to want to make a fuss. However she has made you feel bad and that isn’t friendship. I should not count her as a friend and keep any further contact on YOUR terms . Personally I would cut her out altogether. Life is too short to allow such negativity into your life

Lolamento · 07/02/2022 18:24

If she is like with others may be is that. However, just in case have politics or culture wars come between you? Sounds silly but on this divisive climate it may be possible.

Jux · 07/02/2022 18:26

Y''know, I couldn't resist calling her out on it. I'd have to post something like

"Looks great, glad you all had fun. It had to be my turn for the exclusion card at some point, I suppose. Happy birthday though!"

KeepingAnOpenMind · 07/02/2022 18:26

Definitely let this one go.
She sounds horrible.
Plenty of kind people in the world.

Flatwhitetostayin · 07/02/2022 18:29

The problem sounds as though because she's positioned herself as the main organiser, it gives her the narrative of what is done and who is invited.

The rest of you need to step up and take the reins a bit more. It's not a criticism, but a solution.

Sorry you have gone through this. It's totally unnecessary and nasty. But may be it's the wake up call you all needed to stop this person from being the main organiser. X

browneyes77 · 07/02/2022 18:30

@Jux

Y''know, I couldn't resist calling her out on it. I'd have to post something like

"Looks great, glad you all had fun. It had to be my turn for the exclusion card at some point, I suppose. Happy birthday though!"

I’d totally do the same Grin
WitchWithoutChips · 07/02/2022 18:30

@Hellolittlestar

Maybe because seeing someone 2-3 times a year isn’t that close of a friendship?
Your friends must be local. My closest friends are scattered across the country and although we talk regularly we can’t physically meet up very often. A year where we all physically saw each other 2-3 times would be pretty good going.
Original poster
yesitssea · 07/02/2022 18:32

People are asking why be her friend anyway.

I suppose it's such a long term thing that we are (were) entwined with each other's lives. Friends, jobs together, spent a lot of time at each other's parents houses.

I also think that the drunken night out might have been the trigger. I just don't drink that much these days. I have to be up with my son. I also have a hard job, that requires lots of graft (not that she doesn't, but I like my sleep and drinking disturbs that).

I get the vibe that maybe I would be seen as a wet blanket. I'm not, just quiet and introverted. I also have news that I would have shared with those friends that she knows- I got a promotion and we are moving to the countryside. I am wondering if she thought I might dim her star (I definitely wouldn't ha ha but sometimes that's how her brain works).

I also think posters are right about trouble in her childhood/life. Her parents were alcoholics, divorced acrimoniously after her mother had a very public affair. My mother pretty much took her in as well when this happened. She ate with us every night. Stayed over. These were the few years after uni in the 90's.

She has never settled, never married, never really had relationships, never had kids. She seems sad. But I don't want her sadness to rub off on me so I think that's us done for a while.

OP posts:
Mirw · 07/02/2022 18:33

Had a mate who did similar things. Made her happy the rest of miserable. Finally we all grew up and said enough. Only one friend "stuck by her" and she really wishes she hadn't as all she gets now is bullied so "the one" can feel good about herself. Life is far too short...

Original poster
yesitssea · 07/02/2022 18:36

@Lolamento

If she is like with others may be is that. However, just in case have politics or culture wars come between you? Sounds silly but on this divisive climate it may be possible.
No but we are very different people.

She's not into politics or anything.

OP posts:
Chandimum · 07/02/2022 18:36

@Dishwashersaurous

For closure purposes you need to ask her.

Simply send her a message. HAPPY birthday, hope that you had a great weekend away. Is there a reason that I was excluded?

This
mugglenutmeg · 07/02/2022 18:40

OP did you call her up on her behaviour last time she excluded a mutual friend from your group, and were you comfortable staying friends with someone who has form for this hurtful behaviour?

Jumpingintomenopause · 07/02/2022 18:41

She sounds utterly pathetic!

lemonsorbetinthesun · 07/02/2022 18:41

@Jux

Y''know, I couldn't resist calling her out on it. I'd have to post something like

"Looks great, glad you all had fun. It had to be my turn for the exclusion card at some point, I suppose. Happy birthday though!"

This is the only real solution. It would be interesting to see what she says and why she also didn’t “forget” but told people you were busy. Perhaps because people put up with this, she won’t expect to be called out on it. Clear and honest question without emotion is probably the best way to go!

Sounds like your friends messaged saying “sorry” (although not their fault at all!) because they are now uncomfortable knowing you weren’t actually invited. Some of them may even worry that you may think they knew you weren’t invited etc. that’s not nice for her to put them in that position either.

Madjakelmum · 07/02/2022 18:42

Oh no! Don’t retreat! Message her and say “ hey looks like you had a fabulous birthday. Did my invite go missing? “ she won’t know what to say !! Please confront her.

Phobiaphobic · 07/02/2022 18:48

so I think that's us done for a while.

Honestly, OP, unless she goes into therapy and deals with her obvious issues, then apologises to you, I'd be done with her forever. She won't change otherwise.

AcrossthePond55 · 07/02/2022 18:51

You're best off just keeping in contact with others in the group and leaving her to herself.

Take up the offer of the cup of tea with the friend who messaged you. See the others as and when you wish. You don't have to include the 'excluder'.

Lunificent · 07/02/2022 18:55

Don’t you dare ever go back to her. Her behaviour to you has been shocking as it has in the past to others.
Either ask why then block or just block.

withoutawordofalie · 07/02/2022 18:55

This is bullying. My daughter had a friend at primary school who used to do this all the time. She would single out one person (usually my daughter) and exclude them. Then after a while she would be included and another girl she picked on would be excluded. I think she saw them as coming from nicer more stable homes than she did. Luckily my daughter was free of her when she moved to senior school but the bullying blighted her childhood. You are an adult drop her now, she isnt a very nice person why would you want to know her.

Shazamgenie · 07/02/2022 18:57

Just recently my sis who I fell out with a few years ago, organised a belated Xmas meal .
I wasn't invited but my other 3 sisters and brother were .
She had a family chat with them all & no- one questioned her at all as to why I was not invited but said they felt bad afterwards due to her not letting me know it was happening .
(I found out the day before it happened)
I know if I had done it there would have been uproar ..
So I really understand and sympathise with how you must feel .
She really is not a friend to exclude you as she did x

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