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Original poster

To be confused as to why I am excluded?

999 replies

yesitssea · 05/02/2022 23:42

My friends 50th.

She was my best pal through uni. And afterwards. We lived together in a flat share too for a few years.

Saw her normally over the past year (2 or 3 times) text her happy birthday last week and she replied really friendly like 'thanks, hope we can meet up soon!'.

I go on Facebook today and her and all of our friends are away celebrating her 50th in a hotel. I am gobsmacked. There are even people there who are more my friends than hers. Our old work colleagues. Our joint friends.

I just can't understand it. It's bizarre. She's must have known about it for months. We caught up before christmas and nothing was mentioned.

She does have a history of occasionally singling one person out and excluding them for a while. She likes to be the organiser of weekends away etc.

Im wondering if it's my turn. She's done it to another of our friends and we all noticed and just purposefully made sure that person was forwarded on the invitation every event that was organised.

Can you help me understand what's gone on here? It's so weird. Am I the pariah this time?

Even my Mum said to me 'oh Kerry's 50th looks fab, why didn't you go?' As she had seen pics on Facebook. So awkward.

OP posts:
KarenTheGammonRemoaner · 07/02/2022 16:12

Who cares? Either she simply does not like you or, as you indicate, she has a strange hobby of excluding people, in which case you don't want to know her. So just reciprocate and hang out with your other friends and forget about this individual.

Busybusy2022 · 07/02/2022 16:15

I have a friend who’s exactly like that. Play her at her own game. Those friends she hangs out with who are also your friends/ colleagues - hang out with them and ignore her for a while. They may even like you better. xx

BobHadBitchTits · 07/02/2022 16:25

@Theblacksheepandme

I was excluded from a big family gathering for a wedding anniversary. I knew nothing about it at all until the following day. My Mum, Sister and brother in law who's surprise anniversary it was for called to our house with cake. I asked what the cake was for and they said it was for the party last night. I was so hurt and my face said it all. My sister said she didn't know anything about it as it was all a surprise. I asked if she and others wondered where I was. She told me of course and sister in law and other sister said they text me but we replied that we were on holiday. I told my sister I received no text and if they thought we were on holiday why did they call to my house. My Mother started crying and said she cried all the way home from the party that we weren't there. My husband asked them to leave. It was the first time he decided to say anything after years of them treating me badly. I never received any answers and there were no consequences for my bad treatment. They all just wanted to sweep everything under the carpet and move on. I went no contact after that and it has been 10 years since I spoke with any of them. They knew there was something up the night of the party when I wasn't there but chose to ignore it and have a good time. Them bringing cake was covering their arses.
Who was it that purposely excluded you?

Everyone?

debwong · 07/02/2022 16:26

@Theblacksheepandme

I was excluded from a big family gathering for a wedding anniversary. I knew nothing about it at all until the following day. My Mum, Sister and brother in law who's surprise anniversary it was for called to our house with cake. I asked what the cake was for and they said it was for the party last night. I was so hurt and my face said it all. My sister said she didn't know anything about it as it was all a surprise. I asked if she and others wondered where I was. She told me of course and sister in law and other sister said they text me but we replied that we were on holiday. I told my sister I received no text and if they thought we were on holiday why did they call to my house. My Mother started crying and said she cried all the way home from the party that we weren't there. My husband asked them to leave. It was the first time he decided to say anything after years of them treating me badly. I never received any answers and there were no consequences for my bad treatment. They all just wanted to sweep everything under the carpet and move on. I went no contact after that and it has been 10 years since I spoke with any of them. They knew there was something up the night of the party when I wasn't there but chose to ignore it and have a good time. Them bringing cake was covering their arses.
I am sorry to hear this. But you are better off without such cruel and hurtful people in your life.
FabriqueBelgique · 07/02/2022 16:43

@pictish

“Can we start a Call Out People’s Bullshit movement?!”

People are so…polite. We put up with a lot of shite in the name of being polite. No one wants to be viewed as the aggressor.

And interestingly, while I’m speaking out about group dynamics and people’s reluctance to rock the boat, I am one such ‘aggressor’. I have been caught up in this sort of bullshit and did confront.
Unsurprisingly, I was neatly ejected from the group. It had a devastating impact on me.

I’m 46 now, I spot these types and know to avoid. I’d love to see a Calling Out Bullshit movement but it takes a brave soul to crack that nut.

I agree! Much as I wish it was that simple, there’s a social game to play. No-one likes the truth teller, you’re right.
Theblacksheepandme · 07/02/2022 16:47

BobHadBitchTits
Theblacksheepandme
I was excluded from a big family gathering for a wedding anniversary. I knew nothing about it at all until the following day. My Mum, Sister and brother in law who's surprise anniversary it was for called to our house with cake. I asked what the cake was for and they said it was for the party last night. I was so hurt and my face said it all. My sister said she didn't know anything about it as it was all a surprise. I asked if she and others wondered where I was. She told me of course and sister in law and other sister said they text me but we replied that we were on holiday. I told my sister I received no text and if they thought we were on holiday why did they call to my house. My Mother started crying and said she cried all the way home from the party that we weren't there. My husband asked them to leave. It was the first time he decided to say anything after years of them treating me badly. I never received any answers and there were no consequences for my bad treatment. They all just wanted to sweep everything under the carpet and move on. I went no contact after that and it has been 10 years since I spoke with any of them. They knew there was something up the night of the party when I wasn't there but chose to ignore it and have a good time. Them bringing cake was covering their arses.

Who was it that purposely excluded you?

Everyone?

Not everyone but my other sister and sister in law organised the party at my sister in laws and brothers house. They never told me. When all the rest of my family showed up at the party they got numerous stories as to why I wasn't there. I was on holiday, a text was sent but I didn't respond. They all sussed at that stage that I was excluded hence calling to my house the following day with some of the celebration cake. Even the ones that weren't involved turned on me and said they don't know what happened, there must have just been a miscommunication. I just needed to get over it. I had years of similar that I just swept under the carpet. Family holidays where they would say they didn't think I'd like to go etc. Not any of the ones that weren't directly involved even questioned my sister or sister in law. I even thought I was going crazy and checked for text messages but there were none.

Theblacksheepandme · 07/02/2022 16:51

The sad thing was, my little girl was nearly 4 at the time and loved a party. All her cousins were there. I think that's why finally I had enough. It wasn't just me being targeted anymore, it was my lovely little girl.

UniversalAunt · 07/02/2022 16:58

@Theblacksheepandme sorry to how awful your family are.
Sometimes NC is the best thing to do, to step away from the tangles & lies. It can be so hurtful doing that but there comes a time when there is a limit to how much crap can be tolerated.

Lsquiggles · 07/02/2022 17:05

Wow what disgusting behaviour from someone who is meant to be your friend! Glad this has shown your other friends her true colours, although it seems you all already knew what she was like. What a strange woman!

Mamamia344 · 07/02/2022 17:19

I've known a couple of girls to do this over the years of many friendships. I always keep a bit of a distance now and if it's my turn to be excluded, I just think it's a bit pathetic and says more about them than me. Try not to let it get you x

NEUserNamesNotTakenJeez · 07/02/2022 17:24

Go enjoy yourself either by yourself or with a few friends and plaster it all over social media so she can see you're enjoying yourself and totally ignore that she blocked you out. If she or anyone else finally decides to mention the 50th to you, just act like you couldn't give a damn, you had sometjing else on that night anyway and wouldn't have cancelled for her anyway. Sounds like she likes to get a reaction out of people, cut your losses, cut your friendship and go have some fun, let her see she's not the puppet master.

Bongothellama · 07/02/2022 17:24

Why are any of you still friends with her? I would not stand by and watch someone get excluded. This whole group are aware it happens but are willing to keep meeting up with her. It should have been dealt with by the group the first time she did it to someone. She sounds like a nasty piece of work. If she did it to me she would not be given a second chance.

SpinningTheSeedsOfLove · 07/02/2022 17:24

Even the ones that weren't involved turned on me and said they don't know what happened, there must have just been a miscommunication. I just needed to get over it. I had years of similar that I just swept under the carpet. Family holidays where they would say they didn't think I'd like to go etc

I think a lot of women will recognise that last bit, ''they would say they didn't think I'd like to go".

It's as though an inwardly-looking family start to form collective delusions about individual members and designate them a 'low status'. A lot of women only fight back when they see it all being transferred onto their own DC.

I'm glad you saw the light Flowers

UserBot9to5 · 07/02/2022 17:25

@theblacksheepandme i sympathise
I had a similar falling out with my family who instead of saying "ok we didnt intend to hurr you" (they cannot say sorry) they have spent the last two y3ars getting more and more furious with me that i told them that they hurt me. How dare i.

FurbleSocks · 07/02/2022 17:34

@Theblacksheepandme

The sad thing was, my little girl was nearly 4 at the time and loved a party. All her cousins were there. I think that's why finally I had enough. It wasn't just me being targeted anymore, it was my lovely little girl.
A similar thing happened to me. It was a significant birthday for one of my parents and I wasn't invited. I had even suggested the exact celebration 6 months before (required annual leave booking) but none of my family responded. I later found out it went ahead without me. I am now LC with my whole family because they tried to make out I shouldn't have been so bothered about being excluded. 5 years on and I can count on one hand the number of times I've seen my family since then. Thank heavens for Covid!
FurbleSocks · 07/02/2022 17:34

@UserBot9to5 mine did the same. As if it was my fault for being hurt!

ElvinBoys · 07/02/2022 17:40

Tbh if you choose to be friends with someone like that who singles people out then I have no sympathy for you.

MomOfCritters · 07/02/2022 17:42

Personally I would message her saying it's look like she had a great time and your glad she had a nice birthday, nothing else, then she'll wonder why your not bothered 🤷🏻‍♀️

UserBot9to5 · 07/02/2022 17:43

Yes, how sensitive and unreasonable of you to have expected an invitation to yr parent' big birthday!

I have to give up now for my sanity. My mother who has given me silent treatment after silent treatment until she tried to summons me back to play the part of daughter while making it clear i had no voice in the family, so, now im only being stonewalled i think.... my mother qnd father blame me for "what you"ve (sic) done to this family".

I never wanted to be estranged, but your family can give you so much anxiety.
I have to choose peace over anxiety

bananaleafy · 07/02/2022 17:43

Wow! Primary school level bullying and divisive behaviour

Only one thing for it! Arrange a meet up without her

Cazzoh · 07/02/2022 17:44

There would be part of me that would want to post on FB - Happy 50th xxx - hope you are all having a great time.

finished31 · 07/02/2022 17:46

What a horrible nasty thing to do. She clearly doesn't give a shit about you finding out.

I hope you haven't got her a present.

StargazerAli · 07/02/2022 17:51

The fact that she has history in this department doesn't make it any better or excuse her behaviour.
You may as well confront her as your relationship has now changed anyway.

Personally, I wouldn't want a friend who could do something so blatantly hurtful and would cut all contact.

4boyz1234 · 07/02/2022 17:59

My 'Friend' who asked me to ferry her children, put her bins out and go for dog walks, would regularly tell me about the fantastic parties and dinners she had had with her clique all the time. I have now ended the relationship, as it seemed all I was good for was putting out the bins and entertaining her when she was bored.

Theblacksheepandme · 07/02/2022 18:00

Thanks for your kind words and so sorry you have been through similar. Sometimes it makes you appreciate what you do have though.

OP I would definitely organise a night out but only because you deserve something nice to look forward to. Do not do it for her benefit. She doesn't deserve your thoughts anymore.