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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be confused as to why I am excluded?

999 replies

yesitssea · 05/02/2022 23:42

My friends 50th.

She was my best pal through uni. And afterwards. We lived together in a flat share too for a few years.

Saw her normally over the past year (2 or 3 times) text her happy birthday last week and she replied really friendly like 'thanks, hope we can meet up soon!'.

I go on Facebook today and her and all of our friends are away celebrating her 50th in a hotel. I am gobsmacked. There are even people there who are more my friends than hers. Our old work colleagues. Our joint friends.

I just can't understand it. It's bizarre. She's must have known about it for months. We caught up before christmas and nothing was mentioned.

She does have a history of occasionally singling one person out and excluding them for a while. She likes to be the organiser of weekends away etc.

Im wondering if it's my turn. She's done it to another of our friends and we all noticed and just purposefully made sure that person was forwarded on the invitation every event that was organised.

Can you help me understand what's gone on here? It's so weird. Am I the pariah this time?

Even my Mum said to me 'oh Kerry's 50th looks fab, why didn't you go?' As she had seen pics on Facebook. So awkward.

OP posts:

Original poster

yesitssea · 07/02/2022 13:02

[quote user062648910]@yesitssea is the person she excluded before at the hotel? Just curious[/quote]
Yes, she's back in the fold.

I never stopped seeing her to be honest- it's a very infrequent thing anyway, we always caught up once every 6m. But if there was an event organised by birthday girl then this woman invariably wouldn't be there.

I have to admit I didn't clock for a long time, I just assumed she was busy. She had babies and a young family at the time. But it was intentional exclusion. I think.

OP posts:

Allsorts1 · 07/02/2022 13:21

Take charge of the group now, set up a new WhatsApp for a specific reason (catch up dinner or something) and invite all your favs. Start your own new group full of the people you like best who aren’t excluders. Live your best life and don’t give her another thought!

Mary46 · 07/02/2022 13:24

I been left out of things op its crap. Hope u ok. Flights booked without me and that was sisters. Women a nightmare at times

Dillidalli · 07/02/2022 13:30

I was excluded from a group of friends when I was around 21, if just broken up from a long term relationship (well, 3 years) and I went a bit wild with the freedom. So instead of helping me and talking to me, they left me out for months. We are friends now, good friends , they slowly started readmitting me to the group. 2 of the 3 have never spoken about the fact they were total and utter bitches. One apologised a long time ago. 20 years have passed but I’ll never forget the way they made me feel, so hurtful.

Greyhop · 07/02/2022 13:37

@yesitssea

I am a very miserable person when it comes to socialising. It’s my 50th this year and I can’t think of anything worse than a big gathering. Maybe it’s Covid, but I feel I whittled my friendship group down to people I know and trust - and that I always have a brilliant time with, whatever I do.

I would say this is secondary school nonsense, except it then happens all over again at work and then friendship groups at the school gates.

I don’t like Facebook anymore for the same reason. Other people can post what they like and that’s fine - but I’m just not a fan of…humans. The whole ‘look at me, I’m having a great time and my life is amazing’ is just bleuuurgh.

Hellolittlestar · 07/02/2022 13:41

Maybe because seeing someone 2-3 times a year isn’t that close of a friendship?

SinisterBumFacedCat · 07/02/2022 13:44

Wow. What an absolute cold hearted cow. You are well off out of it OP.

Theblacksheepandme · 07/02/2022 13:48

Greyhop
I would say this is secondary school nonsense, except it then happens all over again at work and then friendship groups at the school gates.

I completely agree with this.

BlondeDogLady · 07/02/2022 13:52

She's never really stopped getting messy drunk. On the night in question she ended up kissing a man in a bar and I was a bit embarrassed and maybe I came across as snooty or snobby. I don't know

I think this might be something to do with it. Not condoning her at all, but have a think back as to what actually happened here.

To be honest, I don't think there's any way back for your friendship now. It's a shame, but she's crossed the line.

Gonnagetgoing · 07/02/2022 13:57

@Allsorts1

@Allsorts1 - totally agree with this! Just caught up as I was F the thread.

This woman honestly deserves little or none of your time or attention @yesitssea. I do think maybe if she gets drunk/gets off with a man etc - that's not really your issue and you shouldn't judge too much.

But for her to deliberately exclude and be nasty... nope. Its as I thought, the other friends would wonder why you weren't there and they have! Hold onto them and if you see her out and about or hear just ignore.

I had very similar with an ex-friend - knew her since mid 30's to mid 40s but she then behaved very very badly and I ditched her. Her mutual friends were the ones messaging me to ask how I was and even ask me out to drinks etc but I said no as they weren't really my friends, more hers. Another mutual friend of ours has distanced herself from us both but she was my ex-work colleague and also didn't help that ex-friend bitched about me to her on her FB wall. That was why I said you can get this behaviour with adults as well as teens!

Gonnagetgoing · 07/02/2022 13:58

@Theblacksheepandme

Greyhop I would say this is secondary school nonsense, except it then happens all over again at work and then friendship groups at the school gates.

I completely agree with this.

@Theblacksheepandme and @Greyhop - honestly why do some women behave like this? Baffled.

Gonnagetgoing · 07/02/2022 14:01

@BlondeDogLady

She's never really stopped getting messy drunk. On the night in question she ended up kissing a man in a bar and I was a bit embarrassed and maybe I came across as snooty or snobby. I don't know

I think this might be something to do with it. Not condoning her at all, but have a think back as to what actually happened here.

To be honest, I don't think there's any way back for your friendship now. It's a shame, but she's crossed the line.

@BlondeDogLady - messy drunk - it happens to us all. Sloppily kissing a man whilst messy drunk - happens to us all.

I agree that if OP came across as snooty or snobby re this - e.g. think Bridget Jones' Diary 'smug marrieds' then her 'friend' might be upset re this but for the friend to hold onto this and then omit OP from this birthday party is petty and childish. At best if you behave drunkenly and fall out you laugh/cry about it and it doesn't happen again. At worst you fall out. Or fall out for a while. Friend shouldn't be a bitch about it and hold onto it.

StellaGibs · 07/02/2022 14:01

@Hellolittlestar

Maybe because seeing someone 2-3 times a year isn’t that close of a friendship?

Then why invite everyone else from uni? Have you not been to uni yourself? They are usually friendships for life. When I got married I invited uni friends and hadnt seen them for years because we live scattered across the UK. It was like nothing had changed. If I had a big birthday I would invite them too.

StellaGibs · 07/02/2022 14:27

I wonder if she'll now try to say she got you confused with someone else she invited and thought you had declined, or some other such BS. She knows she can get away with doing this if she's not making a group chat... it really just shows how conniving she is doesn't it?

huffyhufferson · 07/02/2022 14:33

What bizarre behaviour! She's not a friend - block & ignore her. You sound a lovely person, with true friends. You definitely do not need her in your life.

Greyhop · 07/02/2022 14:34

Nah. Radio silence is the winner. Every single time. And then finding something better/more positive/productive to occupy your thoughts.

Juniper68 · 07/02/2022 14:36

@Mary46

I been left out of things op its crap. Hope u ok. Flights booked without me and that was sisters. Women a nightmare at times

That's awful ☹

Whatisthepointinthis · 07/02/2022 14:40

@PeacheyPeach

Op I've had to learn this myself . It's hard when the ones we are supposedly close to let us down. I think people like the power it gives them almost keeping people at different levels of friendship. I had a "friend" who use to really blow hot and cold with me. It was when she was discussing the planning of a big celebration party with me, asking me for my help and advice for it and yet never actually got an invitation to that or even to the smaller function she then held at her house the week later that I realised I don't need friends like that!! They are a waste of my oxygen!!! A quiet withdrawal is actually more powerful than a big row. You don't want them thinking you are begging for their friendship!

I think you’re right about them keeps people at different level of friendship.

I’ve had similar with a friend who had a new extension and said she was going to invite dh and me and her other friend and her dh for dinner to see it.

Well the invite didn’t come but the others were invited and the obligatory photos on Facebook just to rub it in that little bit more.

We had hosted them (including dh’s And kids) here on at least 3 prior occasions, including 2 New Year’s Eve parties. My dh has never been inside their house!

It’s so weird to promise an invite then not include someone. My dh says that we shouldn’t invite them here any more.

Monr0e · 07/02/2022 14:41

OP, I'm sorry, it must hurt to have been left out thus way.
But I have to agree with others, it seems extremely unlikely, especially if you ate all in a group chat, that there has been no mention at all from anyone of the event.

So either she set up another chat and told them specifically not to mention it to you on the other one, or everyone knew she hadn't invited you and deliberately hid it from you.

SpinningTheSeedsOfLove · 07/02/2022 14:42

It's the lying that's really telling.

I mean, it's her party, I guess she can invite who she wants - but the lying is creepy. It means she'll lie again about why she lied.

I think she's covering up a very deep-seated sense of shame about that pub episode (and possibly more) and is feeling unstable around even the idea of your close presence as a result. I agree that you should steer well clear of her, permanently, unless you want to get drawn into a complete car-crash. She needs to work out what help she needs herself, and then go and seek it out.

I cannot overestimate how powerful an emotion shame is in humans. It's a cross-cultural biggie.

Citygirl2019 · 07/02/2022 14:48

I think the whole group doesn't sound particularly friendly or nice to be honest.

None of you called out the organiser for excluding the previous person. You were all happy to let it drift so long as it wasn't you.

No one organised anything where the excluded person was invited? I also find that odd.

My guess is the group will continue to behave as they did towards the other person and no one will call out the organiser. They will continue to meet up without you.

Mary46 · 07/02/2022 14:56

@juniper yes I was very hurt at the time. Then I got oh x was booking it not me.! So like the op they just pass the blame on. Op they not nice friends who needs friends like that.

momtoboys · 07/02/2022 15:14

I think I would be tempted to text her and say "message received". You don't need her childish antics in your life!

Theblacksheepandme · 07/02/2022 15:19

I remember when what happened to me happened, I felt hurt, humiliated and embarrassed. I just wanted to go into hiding and not deal with my family at all. It felt so stupid of me to be embarrassed when I did nothing wrong.

Hollywolly1 · 07/02/2022 15:33

I think she excluded you to try get power over you so you will behave yourself in future but her little silly plan maybe about to backfire,if I were you I'd not even bother to reply to her ever again and she soundsckinda sick in the head

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