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Original poster

To be confused as to why I am excluded?

999 replies

yesitssea · 05/02/2022 23:42

My friends 50th.

She was my best pal through uni. And afterwards. We lived together in a flat share too for a few years.

Saw her normally over the past year (2 or 3 times) text her happy birthday last week and she replied really friendly like 'thanks, hope we can meet up soon!'.

I go on Facebook today and her and all of our friends are away celebrating her 50th in a hotel. I am gobsmacked. There are even people there who are more my friends than hers. Our old work colleagues. Our joint friends.

I just can't understand it. It's bizarre. She's must have known about it for months. We caught up before christmas and nothing was mentioned.

She does have a history of occasionally singling one person out and excluding them for a while. She likes to be the organiser of weekends away etc.

Im wondering if it's my turn. She's done it to another of our friends and we all noticed and just purposefully made sure that person was forwarded on the invitation every event that was organised.

Can you help me understand what's gone on here? It's so weird. Am I the pariah this time?

Even my Mum said to me 'oh Kerry's 50th looks fab, why didn't you go?' As she had seen pics on Facebook. So awkward.

OP posts:
Fromthebirdsnest · 07/02/2022 11:00

She sounds horrible sorry op xxx

Theblacksheepandme · 07/02/2022 11:01

I was excluded from a big family gathering for a wedding anniversary. I knew nothing about it at all until the following day. My Mum, Sister and brother in law who's surprise anniversary it was for called to our house with cake. I asked what the cake was for and they said it was for the party last night. I was so hurt and my face said it all. My sister said she didn't know anything about it as it was all a surprise. I asked if she and others wondered where I was. She told me of course and sister in law and other sister said they text me but we replied that we were on holiday. I told my sister I received no text and if they thought we were on holiday why did they call to my house. My Mother started crying and said she cried all the way home from the party that we weren't there. My husband asked them to leave. It was the first time he decided to say anything after years of them treating me badly. I never received any answers and there were no consequences for my bad treatment. They all just wanted to sweep everything under the carpet and move on. I went no contact after that and it has been 10 years since I spoke with any of them. They knew there was something up the night of the party when I wasn't there but chose to ignore it and have a good time. Them bringing cake was covering their arses.

ISmellBurnings · 07/02/2022 11:06

I guarantee she’ll try and turn it around on you. ‘Oh she said she was busy’, ‘Oh I’m sure you said you weren’t around that weekend’. Which you know isn’t true, just keep shutting down the bullshit.

I lived with someone at uni who would somedays decide to not talk to me, or another of our friends. It was just so fucking childish. Haven’t seen her since. Can’t be arsed with that shit. And we were 19, not 50.

Bringonthesnowthen · 07/02/2022 11:16

@yesitssea

I don't think she was trying to hide it on social media. She's just uploaded the pictures from the weekend.

It's wild. It's literally our group from uni. And some people I introduced her too. Obviously some of her friends I don't know too. But not many.

Even a friend of a girl from uni was there- someone we didn't even really know that well.

I have been purposely excluded, she wants me to know and I do. And that's my cue to not give the satisfaction of saying anything.

I'm in a group chat with her and a few others, set up a while back for a night out. one woman said thanks to her for a great weekend but it looked like she (birthday girl) was replying then didn't.

One woman has liked my comment about having 'literally no idea it was going on' so I know they all know now.

By not replying, you're giving her what she wants! Her getting away with it, without confrontation or questioning, is what she wants!!
Bringonthesnowthen · 07/02/2022 11:25

@PaddleBoardingMomma How exactly is jokingly saying "Not rented accommodation how will you cope?!" being offended please?

user062648910 · 07/02/2022 11:31

@yesitssea is the person she excluded before at the hotel? Just curious

BlondeWidow · 07/02/2022 11:35

@PaddleBoardingMomma No need to be rude, she clearly meant her marriage broke down and she had to move out and rent? Honestly some people here just look for something to be annoyed about it's pathetic

3 people have commented on this. You seem to be the only person who disagrees. For those of us who have no choice but to rent, how that was written, using rented accommodation as an example of being at her lowest point, was extremely offensive!

czechitout · 07/02/2022 11:36

It's shocking some people behave this way when they are 50 not 5!

But maybe you may even thank her, to help you see who your real friends are.

pikapikapukachu · 07/02/2022 11:37

The is really horrid for you OP. I'd want to confront her, if I was you, though I'm not sure that's the best thing to do.

What I don't get is how you didn't hear about it before it happened? You've just mentioned a group chat where someone said thanks for the weekend. It sounds like lots of your friends were there. If it were me and my friends it would have been brought up in conversations, on WhatsApp group. About which hotel, what activities etc. Even about things like joint gifts. I just don't understand how you managed to be kept in that dark completely Confused

BruceAndNosh · 07/02/2022 11:47

If I were Queen Bee, planning to exclude OP, my method would be...
Set up new WhatsApp group "QB 50 birthday bash"
First Post "welcome to the chat for my upcoming Party of the Year. You should all have received my email invite, and I've already had lots of replies. Sadly can't join us because of so I haven't included her in this group as it would be unfair to make her feel worse about missing out on all the fun we're planning"

So Queen Bee "appears" to have invited OP, but hints that the event shouldn't be discussed in front of OP, as she is sad to be missing it.

Tanith · 07/02/2022 11:50

You could start a Group poll for who will be "The Next Pariah" to be excluded by Bossy-britches Smile

CrimbleCrumble1 · 07/02/2022 11:51

Queen Bee sounds like the awful one in Motherland.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 07/02/2022 11:55

@yesitssea - very pleased to hear that some friends have found out the truth, that they missed you and now know that the loon who had the event lied about you not being able to attend.

It shows you have some true friends in that group, so should not abandon them all.

It will be interesting to see if the loon comes grovelling back, or tries to gaslight you into believing that she had, in fact, contacted you and believed you were unable to come.

But I wouldn't give her the time of day, or any further headspace. She's not worth it.

pikapikapukachu · 07/02/2022 12:01

@BruceAndNosh

If I were Queen Bee, planning to exclude OP, my method would be... Set up new WhatsApp group "QB 50 birthday bash" First Post "welcome to the chat for my upcoming Party of the Year. You should all have received my email invite, and I've already had lots of replies. Sadly can't join us because of so I haven't included her in this group as it would be unfair to make her feel worse about missing out on all the fun we're planning"

So Queen Bee "appears" to have invited OP, but hints that the event shouldn't be discussed in front of OP, as she is sad to be missing it.

But if she did that, surely someone from that group would have seen / spoken with the OP and said "oh isn't it a shame you're going miss..."?

Please do not see my questions as me not believing the OP, I absolutely do. I just find the whole thing very weird!

PeacheyPeach · 07/02/2022 12:03

Op I've had to learn this myself . It's hard when the ones we are supposedly close to let us down.
I think people like the power it gives them almost keeping people at different levels of friendship. I had a "friend" who use to really blow hot and cold with me. It was when she was discussing the planning of a big celebration party with me, asking me for my help and advice for it and yet never actually got an invitation to that or even to the smaller function she then held at her house the week later that I realised I don't need friends like that!! They are a waste of my oxygen!!! A quiet withdrawal is actually more powerful than a big row. You don't want them thinking you are begging for their friendship!

DirtyDancing · 07/02/2022 12:04

@billy1966

I think if you say anything, you tell your friends the truth.

You have no idea why you weren't invited.
You were in contact to wish her happy birthday.
You have no idea why she excluded you.
You have no idea why she lied and said you were working.
No idea at all.
But she has done this to X before, so she has form.
I wouldn't bother saying you are very upset.
Best to just say that she's made it clear that she no longer considers me a friend which is fine by me.

She is not a nice person so you have been wasting your time.

Best advice. Remain non emotional and factual.

Ignore Birthday Bitch. Ignore. Ignore forever.

Meet your other friends as normal. If you see BB at mutual stuff.. been cool but civil, engage little.

whynotwhatknot · 07/02/2022 12:08

I knew someone like this she was a friend of a friend but got into our group and started excluding people then lying about it

one of my friends started to believe her lies and we never spoke again-some people are justbitches

Bunnyfuller · 07/02/2022 12:15

What a fucked up bitch. Bloody power trip. Well, op, look back and the good times, forget her bullshit, and it’s fab to see the genuine friends totally get this and are proper friends.

It’s horrible when this is done, I always seem to be the left out one (I think I probably come across as stand-offish) but your situation is deliberately spiteful. I presume she waits for the begging messages from her latest victim? Or does this, leaves it and then acts like nothing happened?

UoMomster · 07/02/2022 12:26

That is awful OP. She’d have to be really ballsy now to not message you acknowledging/explaining. Whatever she does be gracious but back off forever. Not worth it, how immature.

ButWhereDidTheWindComeFrom · 07/02/2022 12:40

I also feel she will try and turn this around so that you are blamed. (Been in a similar position). Thing is, people DO know. They are either glad it is not them, or they are happy to be around for the good times and preapred to overlook the bad. Just be aware that she is much more practiced at playing this game than you are, and clearly gets off on it, so if you try and engage you need to be careful.

very best of luck.

(FWIW when my Queen Bee turned on me the number of people who came out of the woodwork to say it had happened to them was amazing. Turned out I had a whole new group of friends just waiting for me!)

babyjellyfish · 07/02/2022 12:41

OP, your "friend" sounds like a bitchy schoolgirl. If she hasn't grown up by the age of 50, she's never going to. I can't believe you have bothered with her for 30 years. Shock

Time to cut her loose, IMO.

Butterismylife · 07/02/2022 12:43

Rented accommodation -degrading.
Unmarried - degrading.
How pleasant. Pitting unmarried and married against one another.

Please ladies, stop pandering to the patriarchy cutting other women down. By doing so you put yourselves on this horrid woman’s level.

The woman is evidently a nasty piece 0f work, I highly doubt it is due to her not marrying or reproducing, Jesus Christ. And OP you seem too keen to use that excuse also, do give that some thought. She is evidently a bad egg, kids or no kids.

SNUG2022 · 07/02/2022 12:48

On the plus side, sounds like you're well thought of Smile.

diddl · 07/02/2022 12:57

@SNUG2022

On the plus side, sounds like you're well thought of Smile.
"But if she did that, surely someone from that group would have seen / spoken with the OP and said "oh isn't it a shame you're going miss..."?"

That's what I was also thinking.

Surely they weren't all keeping schtum about it to avoid upsetting Op at all?

guerrillagirl · 07/02/2022 12:58

It’s shit behaviour but I agree with a PP that it’s probably about the alcohol thing. She maybe wanted a wild and boozy time with a load of heavy drinkers and your moderated approach made her feel like crap. I’ve been excluded by ‘booze bullies’ before for not wanting to get wasted but I’m too old and wise for all that now Wink

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