Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be confused as to why I am excluded?

999 replies

yesitssea · 05/02/2022 23:42

My friends 50th.

She was my best pal through uni. And afterwards. We lived together in a flat share too for a few years.

Saw her normally over the past year (2 or 3 times) text her happy birthday last week and she replied really friendly like 'thanks, hope we can meet up soon!'.

I go on Facebook today and her and all of our friends are away celebrating her 50th in a hotel. I am gobsmacked. There are even people there who are more my friends than hers. Our old work colleagues. Our joint friends.

I just can't understand it. It's bizarre. She's must have known about it for months. We caught up before christmas and nothing was mentioned.

She does have a history of occasionally singling one person out and excluding them for a while. She likes to be the organiser of weekends away etc.

Im wondering if it's my turn. She's done it to another of our friends and we all noticed and just purposefully made sure that person was forwarded on the invitation every event that was organised.

Can you help me understand what's gone on here? It's so weird. Am I the pariah this time?

Even my Mum said to me 'oh Kerry's 50th looks fab, why didn't you go?' As she had seen pics on Facebook. So awkward.

OP posts:
Theblacksheepandme · 07/02/2022 00:00

*@Momijin*that is exactly what happened to me, we were friends for years during that time I was diagnosed with a chronic illness, marriage broke down, had to live in rented accommodation etc but as soon as life was on the up, new home, new job, new relationship (now DH) she lost interest in our friendship. Looking back she only ever wanted to be friends with people whose life wasn’t amazing and she was always telling me about latest new friends dramas. I knew her own life was crap and I think she’s used to like to feel a bit superior and did that by picking friends whose lives seemed worse somehow. It was something I had noticed but not focused on too much, until she deleted and blocked me on FB a few days before my wedding. That confirmed it for me, I was happy, settled and doing too well to be of interest anymore.

Not rented accommodation, how did you cope?

PaddleBoardingMomma · 07/02/2022 00:16

[quote Theblacksheepandme]**@Momijinthat is exactly what happened to me, we were friends for years during that time I was diagnosed with a chronic illness, marriage broke down, had to live in rented accommodation etc but as soon as life was on the up, new home, new job, new relationship (now DH) she lost interest in our friendship. Looking back she only ever wanted to be friends with people whose life wasn’t amazing and she was always telling me about latest new friends dramas. I knew her own life was crap and I think she’s used to like to feel a bit superior and did that by picking friends whose lives seemed worse somehow. It was something I had noticed but not focused on too much, until she deleted and blocked me on FB a few days before my wedding. That confirmed it for me, I was happy, settled and doing too well to be of interest anymore.

Not rented accommodation, how did you cope?[/quote]
No need to be rude, she clearly meant her marriage broke down and she had to move out and rent? Honestly some people here just look for something to be annoyed about it's pathetic

Theblacksheepandme · 07/02/2022 00:48

PaddleBoardingMomma
No need to be rude, she clearly meant her marriage broke down and she had to move out and rent? Honestly some people here just look for something to be annoyed about it's pathetic

Some people decide to pick on one person when other people picked up on what Momijin said also or did you miss that? Are you kidding me? Why am I the only rude pathetic one? Don't you think it's nasty to focus on one person when other people were offended by this?

Theblacksheepandme · 07/02/2022 01:04

I really wouldn't trust anyone from that group whatsoever. They knew way before that party you weren't going. Surely in a group like that you would be discussing lots of things a while beforehand. They are just covering themselves. They may act shocked and dismayed but I think they are full of shit. You could meet up with some of them but they are just going to lie. If it was me I think I would just leave the whole group. Chalk it down to experience and next time you're in a group of friends make sure you dont allow people to get treated like shit. Be the person to call these people out immediately.now you have been on the receiving end.

PrincessNutella · 07/02/2022 01:09

I wouldn't bother with the drama of letting friends know you weren't invited. Let them know if they ask. I would just be done with the friend in every way possible. Freeze her and forget her and move on with your life. She does not deserve any more headspace, and the more you practice doing anything else with your one and only precious life, the better, whether it's flower arranging or emptying out your junk drawer.

UniversalAunt · 07/02/2022 04:21

‘… to be a sloppy sad middled-aged soak…’

I did caveat that whole statement with ‘Florid language for dramatic purpose’.

Obviously, I have not got a future as a dramatic playwright as the knack of describing a character’s inner thoughts is not my forte. Back to the day job.

diddl · 07/02/2022 08:29

What's the dynamic of the group Op?

I mean how friendly are you all really?

Do you always invite everyone to everything?

Leaving aside her gameplaying, if number for her bday were limited are you really one of the ones she would ask?

So odd (imo) that no one spoke to you about it before hand.

Idk, what were you going to buy her, how were you getting there...

Perhaps she's told them that she mentioned it to you & she's sure that you said you were busy that weekend??!!

Juniper68 · 07/02/2022 08:56

@billy1966

I think if you say anything, you tell your friends the truth.

You have no idea why you weren't invited.
You were in contact to wish her happy birthday.
You have no idea why she excluded you.
You have no idea why she lied and said you were working.
No idea at all.
But she has done this to X before, so she has form.
I wouldn't bother saying you are very upset.
Best to just say that she's made it clear that she no longer considers me a friend which is fine by me.

She is not a nice person so you have been wasting your time.

This and then fuck birthday bitch off big style
Star81 · 07/02/2022 09:12

I Can never understand how people like her don’t realise they can be so easily caught out these days, especially with social media !

SudaneseHipHopFan · 07/02/2022 09:23

As others have said i bet it is related to the last time you went out and she got embarrassingly drunk. She probably woke up with that horrible cringe, anxiety feeling where she couldn't really remember what she said and did but had awful flashbacks and wanted to distance herself from the entire thing, including you. Probably also worried you may have joked about it to others at the group gathering.

Totally no excuse for her behaviour and most people would have handled that by texting or calling and saying, god I was hammered and having a bit of a laugh about it. She sounds very insecure though and in reality is probably quite jealous of you.

I would take it as an opportunity to cool off the friendship.

Figgygal · 07/02/2022 09:23

The fact she has lied to people who asked about you will be her undoing
Silly cow

EmmaH2022 · 07/02/2022 09:31

@Star81

I Can never understand how people like her don’t realise they can be so easily caught out these days, especially with social media !
Again, they do know It's deliberate
YetAnotherUsernameToday · 07/02/2022 09:56

I'm really glad your friends are getting in contact. I think you are best ditching her are sticking with those that have been in touch.

Theblacksheepandme · 07/02/2022 09:57

Star81
I Can never understand how people like her don’t realise they can be so easily caught out these days, especially with social media !

They want to be found out. It is to make OP feel like shit.

Theblacksheepandme · 07/02/2022 10:00

YetAnotherUsernameToday
I'm really glad your friends are getting in contact. I think you are best ditching her are sticking with those that have been in touch.

These people you think OP is best sticking with knew. They are just getting in touch to cover their arses.

YetAnotherUsernameToday · 07/02/2022 10:13

@Theblacksheepandme

I don't think people are tagging her in Facebook posts asking why she didn't make it to cover their arses. I have been in a similar situation to the OP and the supporters of the queen bee never got in touch. If they had been involved in the exclusion of the OP they would surely feel some shame and awkwardness. Not everyone is a bad guy, sometimes people do get caught out. If these friends come to see the OP and do realise they have been manipulated and reconsider their friendship then actually that is a positive. The worst feeling is being cut off from a whole friendship group and I hope that this is not the case for OP.

NYnewstart · 07/02/2022 10:18

Id just respond to the group with an airy yes well we know she pulls these games as she's done with others. I cant say I'll be losing any sleep over the fact she decided it was my turn...... Then leave the ball in their court.

This is good advice.

Shortpoet · 07/02/2022 10:20

Also I don’t think it’s suspicious that there wasn’t chatter about it beforehand. People haven’t been meeting up as much. Unless someone was organising a group gift why would they contact you about it? Also if they’d been previously told you couldn’t make it they might not think to mention it.

I went to a 50th party this weekend. I didn’t contact anyone I thought would be going beforehand or check who was going / had been invited. I just turned up on the night.

Original poster
yesitssea · 07/02/2022 10:30

I don't think she was trying to hide it on social media. She's just uploaded the pictures from the weekend.

It's wild. It's literally our group from uni. And some people I introduced her too. Obviously some of her friends I don't know too. But not many.

Even a friend of a girl from uni was there- someone we didn't even really know that well.

I have been purposely excluded, she wants me to know and I do. And that's my cue to not give the satisfaction of saying anything.

I'm in a group chat with her and a few others, set up a while back for a night out. one woman said thanks to her for a great weekend but it looked like she (birthday girl) was replying then didn't.

One woman has liked my comment about having 'literally no idea it was going on' so I know they all know now.

OP posts:
GrandRapids · 07/02/2022 10:41

Guarantee she will cover her tracks if called out by the rest of the group by insisting you told her you were busy and couldn't come.

She will shift the blame on to you somehow!

Oli5 · 07/02/2022 10:42

In my experience they all knew what was happening anyway I’m afraid . They just didn’t want to be the one to speak up and have it happen to them . Sorry this has happened it really is a horrible feeling x

ESGdance · 07/02/2022 10:43

The tag from your friend was the gift that will keep on giving.

Don’t proactively post anything on FB or the WA.

Don’t ask why you weren’t invited - you know why - it was to deliberately hurt and isolate you - don’t let her know she achieved that.

Instead let her squirm in front of the others - don’t get in her way of showing herself to be a bully. Don’t fall into the trap of it turning into a public dialogue / altercation.

Play a better game and pick off members of this group (maybe all of them!) and socialise with them without her.

How many has she already fucked over over the years ? … start with them - you will be pushing on an open door.

ESGdance · 07/02/2022 10:44

@GrandRapids

Guarantee she will cover her tracks if called out by the rest of the group by insisting you told her you were busy and couldn't come.

She will shift the blame on to you somehow!

100% she will lie and obfuscate - that’s how she operates day to day.

You’ll never get truth from a liar - they double down - and you don’t need it - move on.

Whatisthepointinthis · 07/02/2022 10:49

It’s rubbish, I have no idea at all what makes people do this. How sad their lives must be to find pleasure in it. For normal people, the guilt at doing this would tarnish the celebration.

Sadly it makes you question all of your other friendships and makes you feel like withdrawing completely from everyone.

In my experience, even though the other friends may know it is wrong (even if they didn’t find out until after the event), very few will stand up for you in front of her. They may be understanding and sympathetic to your face but very few will risk their own position in the group and many will just want to stay out of it, believing that you must have brought it on yourself somehow.

I’m totally done with friends, I will keep them on a superficial level only nowadays so that I have people to socialise with, but will never expect anything more of them. It’s sad really.

IntermittentParps · 07/02/2022 10:57

Had this sort of happen to me (divide and conquer/exclusions/lies) by one 'friend'. Very much the life and soul but it covered some real issues of abandonment and insecurity etc.
While I'm not unsympathetic (I was a listening ear for quite a long time), eventually I realised life was too short.
She now has a very few of the 'flying monkey' types still talking to her. Everyone else has moved on and is still friends with each other.
Some people, it just isn't worth the hassle.
Sounds like you have a fair few people on your side. I like your approach of 'she wants me to know and I do. And that's my cue to not give the satisfaction of saying anything.' People like that just want the attention and don't like it if you won't give it to them.
More power to you, OP Thanks Brew