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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be confused as to why I am excluded?

999 replies

yesitssea · 05/02/2022 23:42

My friends 50th.

She was my best pal through uni. And afterwards. We lived together in a flat share too for a few years.

Saw her normally over the past year (2 or 3 times) text her happy birthday last week and she replied really friendly like 'thanks, hope we can meet up soon!'.

I go on Facebook today and her and all of our friends are away celebrating her 50th in a hotel. I am gobsmacked. There are even people there who are more my friends than hers. Our old work colleagues. Our joint friends.

I just can't understand it. It's bizarre. She's must have known about it for months. We caught up before christmas and nothing was mentioned.

She does have a history of occasionally singling one person out and excluding them for a while. She likes to be the organiser of weekends away etc.

Im wondering if it's my turn. She's done it to another of our friends and we all noticed and just purposefully made sure that person was forwarded on the invitation every event that was organised.

Can you help me understand what's gone on here? It's so weird. Am I the pariah this time?

Even my Mum said to me 'oh Kerry's 50th looks fab, why didn't you go?' As she had seen pics on Facebook. So awkward.

OP posts:
Fleur405 · 06/02/2022 22:42

I had a friend a bit like this once. When I first met her I saw how she sometimes froze other people out (mainly if her attempts to manipulate them/control things failed). We had lots in common and would go out and have fun but I knew one day she would do the same to me. When she did I just moved on - I didn’t stop speaking to her exactly and would happily speak to her if I bumped into her tomorrow but I just didn’t make any effort to stay in touch. But your “friend” sounds much worse than mine ever was!

Original poster
yesitssea · 06/02/2022 22:42

Had another one! (Two really)

This pal actually said the birthday girl told us you couldn't make it because of a work commitment.

Then someone replied to my comment on the Facebook post with 'we missed you yesitssea ☹️'

Friend who originally text is now raging and has announced she will no longer bother with birthday girl. She was also told I was busy.

Fuck this is sinister!

OP posts:
user1464279374 · 06/02/2022 22:44

This is all wild! You definitely don't need this woman in your life.

Sadly some people never grow out of it, and I've experienced a narcissist like this before. She's thriving on the drama and power.

Don't speak to her again!!

cdba88 · 06/02/2022 22:47

She's evil! Maybe this will be her downfall. Enjoy it!

Original poster
yesitssea · 06/02/2022 22:47

I won't be bothering. I won't be responding to any messages (not that I think i shall get any).

Her usual MO is leave you hanging for a few months then creep back. I will be ignoring. Not worth my bother.

I am however keen for my friends to understand that I was not busy this weekend at all. So I have to work out how to share that with them without seeming like a dick.

OP posts:
Benjispruce5 · 06/02/2022 22:48

OP who posted the photos on Facebook? If it was her, she was a bit daft as the truth was always going to come out.

BlancheB · 06/02/2022 22:52

She said 'Are you serious? Did you really not know?'' And a monkey face emoji.*

How old are you all again? ConfusedJHC what a load of drama.

SwishSwishBisch · 06/02/2022 22:55

I can’t see any way you could come out of this looking like a dick @yesitssea, I’d just be honest! You didn’t know it was happening, and you had no other plans this weekend. You don’t need to add in anything about how it’s made you feel, just stick to the facts. People will (hopefully) draw their own conclusions about the birthday girl.

Mooloolabababy · 06/02/2022 22:59

@BlancheB

* She said 'Are you serious? Did you really not know?'' And a monkey face emoji.*

How old are you all again? ConfusedJHC what a load of drama.

That's an unnecessarily bitchy comment.
billy1966 · 06/02/2022 23:00

I think if you say anything, you tell your friends the truth.

You have no idea why you weren't invited.
You were in contact to wish her happy birthday.
You have no idea why she excluded you.
You have no idea why she lied and said you were working.
No idea at all.
But she has done this to X before, so she has form.
I wouldn't bother saying you are very upset.
Best to just say that she's made it clear that she no longer considers me a friend which is fine by me.

She is not a nice person so you have been wasting your time.

RampantIvy · 06/02/2022 23:03

What does a monkey face emoji signify?

Could you post on Facebook what a quiet weekend at home you have just had? Or would that be stirring it too much?

Longtime · 06/02/2022 23:03

If it’s really important to you that your friends who went know you weren’t invited, ask your friend to reply to your FB comment “I thought you couldn’t come because you had another commitment?” Then you can reply that that’s not true and that you weren’t invited.

Original poster
yesitssea · 06/02/2022 23:04

Oh and another one.

An ex colleague has texted me to say sorry. She said she assumed I was invited and declined. And that she would like to meet up for a cup of tea in the next few weeks.

It's very nice of her to apologise but it really is not her fault.

I'm actually surprised 3/4 people have acknowledged I wasn't there.

OP posts:
Mary46 · 06/02/2022 23:07

God I be so hurt over that op. Think I would have to call out her bad behaviour.

Phobiaphobic · 06/02/2022 23:07

Good luck, OP. Hope you manage to hang on to the nice friends. I think you will.

Shortpoet · 06/02/2022 23:11

I foresee some great nights out in the near future for you with the nice friends that have contacted you saying you were missed.

I’d be so tempted to compare notes about what they were told about you not being there, when they were invited and if this lines up with you’re feeling it was to do with her getting sloppy drunk.

But I actually think you’ll be having such a good time you’ll forget all about her.

EmmaH2022 · 06/02/2022 23:13

@yesitssea

I won't be bothering. I won't be responding to any messages (not that I think i shall get any).

Her usual MO is leave you hanging for a few months then creep back. I will be ignoring. Not worth my bother.

I am however keen for my friends to understand that I was not busy this weekend at all. So I have to work out how to share that with them without seeming like a dick.

You're not being a dick at all if you just say you weren't invited. You're telling the truth.
EmmaH2022 · 06/02/2022 23:20

@Benjispruce5

OP who posted the photos on Facebook? If it was her, she was a bit daft as the truth was always going to come out.
But the friend will have wanted OP to find out.
oatmilk4breakfast · 06/02/2022 23:26

I’m so sorry, this has happened to me, it’s shit

Original poster
yesitssea · 06/02/2022 23:32

It was a girl I sort of know who posted the pictures, of a cocktail making class they were doing. Abd a group shot outside the hotel.

OP posts:
lborgia · 06/02/2022 23:33

Maybe you don't need to tell the others? Those who have been in touch may say something to one or two of them (I'd put money on it), and also, if you're likely to be in touch with some of the others through natural chat, catch ups etc, just wait till then. At some point, I'd guarantee, the weekend will come up in conversation - sorry you couldn't make it/ it was a weird weekend ... just let it be. Assumed no one else was involved, and just block her.

FurbleSocks · 06/02/2022 23:37

At least your other friends are coming out in solidarity with you. That's a positive.

Fredshred · 06/02/2022 23:41

Seriously shocked by the nastiness of these two messages.!! Sloppy sad middle aged soak?? Seriously?

TheresSomebodyAtTheDoorNeil · 06/02/2022 23:47

Id just respond to the group with an airy yes well we know she pulls these games as she's done with others. I cant say I'll be losing any sleep over the fact she decided it was my turn...... Then leave the ball in their court.

Flying monkeys going to fly, but honestly I don't think people like that deserve friends, it's time she got a taste of her own medicine on a permanent basis. Hopefully the majority of the group will realise that.

BorderlineHappy · 06/02/2022 23:57

OP don’t you think it’s odd that your good friend that just messaged you never mentioned the hotel trip beforehand?
@CrimbleCrumble1 I thought the same
It's not an impromptu meal out.

It's a 50 th birthday,they knew about this for months.

@yesitssea So they talked to you,made plans with y and never once mentioned the party.
They are as bad as Queen B.