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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be confused as to why I am excluded?

999 replies

yesitssea · 05/02/2022 23:42

My friends 50th.

She was my best pal through uni. And afterwards. We lived together in a flat share too for a few years.

Saw her normally over the past year (2 or 3 times) text her happy birthday last week and she replied really friendly like 'thanks, hope we can meet up soon!'.

I go on Facebook today and her and all of our friends are away celebrating her 50th in a hotel. I am gobsmacked. There are even people there who are more my friends than hers. Our old work colleagues. Our joint friends.

I just can't understand it. It's bizarre. She's must have known about it for months. We caught up before christmas and nothing was mentioned.

She does have a history of occasionally singling one person out and excluding them for a while. She likes to be the organiser of weekends away etc.

Im wondering if it's my turn. She's done it to another of our friends and we all noticed and just purposefully made sure that person was forwarded on the invitation every event that was organised.

Can you help me understand what's gone on here? It's so weird. Am I the pariah this time?

Even my Mum said to me 'oh Kerry's 50th looks fab, why didn't you go?' As she had seen pics on Facebook. So awkward.

OP posts:
StellaGibs · 06/02/2022 21:48

They may well have seen it and be chatting about it/deciding whether they should comment OP.

ESGdance · 06/02/2022 21:50

@Madge55

Wonder if you sent a group message that said ...up to your usual tricks again isolating people ...wondered how long it would take to come round to me ... no invite...no friend... I'm out. Have a happy life. Bye.
Love this - cut right to the core of the reality. Whether it will antagonise a dangerous, manipulative person to such a degree that it will ultimately back fire on you is a different question.

However might be interesting to use this sentiment directly and VERBALLY to some trust worthy members of the group.

Don’t put anything in writing.

pictish · 06/02/2022 21:50

@StellaGibs

They may well have seen it and be chatting about it/deciding whether they should comment OP.
I’d bet my last tenner on it. She’s holding court right now and the subject is you.
Mary46 · 06/02/2022 21:51

Thats horrible. But op do you want friends like that its so mean. Women can be horrible at times. I used eat lunch in group office. Colleague had her back to me she was well aware she was doing it

whirlycarly · 06/02/2022 21:54

@pictish I feel like you and I would get on Grin exactly same here re queen bees. I can't and won't do the fawning they require. Never have done, not at school nor since. It feels degrading.

I don't really have success in big groups - my experience is that something always happens to affect the balance and things become difficult.

Thankfully there is absolutely none of this with my oldest friendship group. We've never fallen out in nearly 30 years.

I would love if we could all call out this shit. Op, you are absolutely well rid of this woman even if the process has been painful.

Mellowyellow222 · 06/02/2022 21:56

@yesitssea

I haven't had a response to my comment reply that I didn't know it was going on.

I think some of them are still there, but some of the group are definitely home now.

I hope some of them see it soon 😂

They have seen it. There are probably a few text messages flying about deciding how to handle it.

Tbh you have been part of this yourself: it’s the dynamic of this group/. The queen bee and the mean girls which darent say a word incase they are targeted next.

I think it’s time to find some new friends

pictish · 06/02/2022 21:58

Yes it’s degrading.

KateMcCallister · 06/02/2022 21:58

She's about 35 years too late to be acting like this.

Don't stoop to her level with commenting etc, just block her and move on. Unless you're also still 15, which given your comments I believe you're not.

I'm sorry, op. It stings but it's really not you Thanks

Whatinthelord · 06/02/2022 21:59

I’m not sure I could put up with this. It’s purposely cruel and she sounds like a right arsehole.

Good on you for replying to the comment. Though odd they phrased it as you “ couldn’t make it” …..do you think she told people you were invited but couldn’t come.

She’s clearly done it on purpose. Thing is can you maintain ties with your other friends without contact with her?

Lougle · 06/02/2022 21:59

You have to decide where your line is and stay firm with it. I wouldn't go along with this behaviour from or too anyone.

LoisLane66 · 06/02/2022 22:07

NRWT but none of your friends mentioned it to you?

SingToTheSky · 06/02/2022 22:08

Perfect response to the photo comment.

She sounds tiresome

GrannytoaUnicorn · 06/02/2022 22:08

[quote Tara336]@Momijin that is exactly what happened to me, we were friends for years during that time I was diagnosed with a chronic illness, marriage broke down, had to live in rented accommodation etc but as soon as life was on the up, new home, new job, new relationship (now DH) she lost interest in our friendship. Looking back she only ever wanted to be friends with people whose life wasn’t amazing and she was always telling me about latest new friends dramas. I knew her own life was crap and I think she’s used to like to feel a bit superior and did that by picking friends whose lives seemed worse somehow. It was something I had noticed but not focused on too much, until she deleted and blocked me on FB a few days before my wedding. That confirmed it for me, I was happy, settled and doing too well to be of interest anymore.[/quote]
Erm, living in 'rented accommodation' does not equal destitute thank you very much!!
For many of us it's a life choice and in many, many cases we pay more per month than the average mortgage payment!!

Before you pretend to not know what on earth I'm talking about, saying "...had to live in rented accommodation etc..." whilst describing a low point in your life, insinuates as much. Please educate yourself

Dancingsmile · 06/02/2022 22:09

I think it's great how you're responding to it.
I am confused, however, as to why the group and yourself have let her do it to others and now to you.
Has she been called out on this ?

Original poster
yesitssea · 06/02/2022 22:12

Ok, I've had a response.

One person has messaged my privately. She is one of the people who I would consider to be more my friend that the birthday girl's.

She said 'Are you serious? Did you really not know?'' And a monkey face emoji.

I've replied and said obviously not. I asked whether no one found it weird I wasn't there and she said she just assumed I couldn't make it for whatever reason. She has said she finds it very very odd.

She's not still at the hotel though. So there's a group of people who are having an extra night.

OP posts:
Bringonthesnowthen · 06/02/2022 22:14

marriage broke down, had to live in rented accommodation etc but as soon as life was on the up

BiscuitHmm

Mary46 · 06/02/2022 22:16

Horrible op you well rid of her she sounds nasty. Hope u ok

Seema002 · 06/02/2022 22:16

I'm not a big drinker. Never have been and it's caused so many issues for other people over the years. Mostly people who have a drink issue anyway.

Coconuttts · 06/02/2022 22:17

OP, I could have written your podt myself!! I had a "friend" like this, and she actually invited loads of people to her 50th garden party. Just not me. I had even been out with her a few days prior and she made no mention of it! Even though for the best part if 5 years we had been part of each others lives on a weekly basis, very good friends and I had supported her through thick and thin. I can still remember the dawning reality of what she had done. I kept trying to puzzle out why I wasn't invited. Until I realised, she had decided to drop me for a fresh face. She stopped answering any calls, and ghosted me. People like this collect people and drama their whole lives. They are cruel to the core.

CrimbleCrumble1 · 06/02/2022 22:19

OP don’t you think it’s odd that your good friend that just messaged you never mentioned the hotel trip beforehand?

Seema002 · 06/02/2022 22:24

This has just reminded me of the time my 'friend' did this to me about her wedding. Her son came over to see my son about 3 days before, and must have been told not to mention anything as most 10 year olds would say something. Fast forward a few weeks and she popped over and bought photos of her wedding. I just assumed it was family only, but turned out she'd hired a bus for her guests who had all travelled from various places. It was bizarre as we knew each other well. Been neighbours for years and regularly met up. No mutual friends though. People are odd.

Whatinthelord · 06/02/2022 22:24

Hmmmmm if you’re that close friends with the birthday “girl” and the friend that messaged surely they’d have actually spoken about your absence. Like why would she just assume you couldn’t make it….surely she’d have asked “ oh how come yesitssea isn’t here”?

Datgal · 06/02/2022 22:29

Yeah. All a bit odd. The strangest thing being nobody talking about it beforehand... things like, 'ooh, what are you wearing to bitch face's party?'

FajitaBonita · 06/02/2022 22:30

@Lighthouseblue

I'd organise a big party, deliberately not invite her, post about it everywhere on social media and then drop her like a hot potato! Fuck the old bag! I had a 'friend' do this to me many moons ago and trust me, in this case 'revenge is sweet' and then you move on with your head held high! I know I certainly did! Wink
Old Bag? Charming.

I get the friend hasn't acted well but plenty of us are in our 50s here, great to know that's how you think of us.

Harrysutton · 06/02/2022 22:31

Yes strange that no one else has mentioned a weekend away. I hope other friends respond to your comment soon.