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Original poster

To be confused as to why I am excluded?

999 replies

yesitssea · 05/02/2022 23:42

My friends 50th.

She was my best pal through uni. And afterwards. We lived together in a flat share too for a few years.

Saw her normally over the past year (2 or 3 times) text her happy birthday last week and she replied really friendly like 'thanks, hope we can meet up soon!'.

I go on Facebook today and her and all of our friends are away celebrating her 50th in a hotel. I am gobsmacked. There are even people there who are more my friends than hers. Our old work colleagues. Our joint friends.

I just can't understand it. It's bizarre. She's must have known about it for months. We caught up before christmas and nothing was mentioned.

She does have a history of occasionally singling one person out and excluding them for a while. She likes to be the organiser of weekends away etc.

Im wondering if it's my turn. She's done it to another of our friends and we all noticed and just purposefully made sure that person was forwarded on the invitation every event that was organised.

Can you help me understand what's gone on here? It's so weird. Am I the pariah this time?

Even my Mum said to me 'oh Kerry's 50th looks fab, why didn't you go?' As she had seen pics on Facebook. So awkward.

OP posts:
Shimmyshimmycocobop · 06/02/2022 20:48

I had a friend like this in my late teens, early 20's, she was quite domineering but also good fun and life and soul of the party type.
We used to joke about whose turn it would be next, I don't miss her at all.

UserBot9to5 · 06/02/2022 20:48

@diddl yeh, they like what they've seen so they cant make sense of her being so awful to her friend.

But that's the exact reason for the buzz they get from behaving like this.

Both of the women who set out to exclude me have one thing in common although they've never met. They both have two different personalities on the go. The nice (fawn) one for higher status people or people they've filed undrr "admirer". The other personality is cold, sneaky, contemptuous and dismissive.
They can easily be as nice as pie to most of the group and as cold as ice to "the threat".

VaizyCrazyDaizy · 06/02/2022 20:55

I would say move on and away and don’t dwell. Just block her if she ever contacts you, ignore - your feelings obviously don’t mean anything to that c##t so neither do you. Nothing to do with you she is just a psycho who takes delight in being a bitch. Your worker more than that!

VaizyCrazyDaizy · 06/02/2022 20:55

Worth!

diddl · 06/02/2022 21:00

"The nice (fawn) one for higher status people or people they've filed undrr "admirer"."

Of course that's another thing isn't it-acting differently with different people, so some genuinely wouldn't believe it of her.

So some could see her victim as the one at fault.

A kind of divide & conquer.

andysgirl22 · 06/02/2022 21:00

I'm sorry your going through this op she sounds a meanie!! As there are people there who are more your friends than hers i wonder if that is part of it and she is doing a jealous sort of excluding you and rubbing your nose in it that she's moving in on your friends thing?! I don't know tbh sounds weird. I'm sorry she's doing this op very hurtful xx

UserBot9to5 · 06/02/2022 21:05

Yeh, i read about a hybrid stress response in a pete walker book. It is wendying!! It isca stress response. The hybrid response of Fight-Fawn is where the person is simultaneously fawning and fighting to those above and below them.
Alrhough i used to think it was people they saw as above or below them in the hierarchy that exists in their head.

If you're a threat to them (because you dont admire them sufficiently) then you're on thin ice. Especially if you're a low status threat.

SheilaWilcox · 06/02/2022 21:05

So sorry OP. It's horrible when you realise you don't mean as much to a person as they mean to you.

DirtyDancing · 06/02/2022 21:06

But people never, ever call out manipulative queen bees. I've always assumed they are too scared, don't dare loose the QB friendship for some bizarre reason (I have yet to work out).

I don't have any QB friends... as soon as I spot on a mile off I run in the other direction! It's much nice not having to buzz around to their tune.

I really wouldn't bother to give her any satisfaction other than completely ignore her. Forever. Let the other friends work out their self worth. You might not find many follow you though.

UserBot9to5 · 06/02/2022 21:08

Yeh, queen bees hate me. Even if i do nothing worse than just hold back a bit, politely... they know i know.

🙈

FirstTimeSecondTime · 06/02/2022 21:14

Definitely let it be known you weren’t invited. Why wouldn’t you message her and ask why you weren’t invited @yesitssea

StarbucksSmarterSister · 06/02/2022 21:19

Ask her.

If anyone comments about you not being there, just tell them "well I was NFI, no idea why".

Then quietly drop her.

She sounds unpleasant.

StellaGibs · 06/02/2022 21:19

She wants the drama I think. To get a kick off making people fume over being left out. Unfortunately the tag and comment will have fed the beast.

CaMePlaitPas · 06/02/2022 21:24

This is hurtful, I'm sorry you're being put through this.

Citygirl2019 · 06/02/2022 21:25

Definitely odd no one mentioned the weekend away. We had a big birthday celebration this weekend for someone in our friendship group, it was mentioned numerous times in different conversations.

Original poster
yesitssea · 06/02/2022 21:25

@UniversalAunt

‘ The last time we met up she got sloppy drunk and I stopped after 5 drinks and I think it put her nose out. I wonder if I'm being punished for that.’

Oh yessssss!

Being shown-up by someone else’s good sense & simple wordless actions, to be a sloppy sad middled-aged soak with no man, no children, insecure & mean, menopausal & about to crash 50. Florid language for dramatic purpose.

Yes, she might wake up the next day & not like you very much for holding up a mirror to her pointless existence. Note that I am borrowing her emotional furniture rent free because this may be how she lives in her head. You know her well enough now to see right through her pathetic charade. She will want to keep you at arm’s length so that you are not there next time she has a significant booze-up - say her 50th - in case you see her falter & you being sober enough to see it happen…& remember/mention it.

Might she have taken against the sober-ish moderate drinking folk in your group before, or is being generally OK with life enough to set her off?

You’ll find many posts on MN referring to this dynamic around alcohol.

I was excluded from a small group after a restaurant dinner when I declined more booze as I’d had enough (other diners then said the same) & this exposed a couple of heavy boozers as they couldn’t order an extra bottle without revealing a) themselves to be heavier drinkers than the group who had all had a good slosh by then, b) they’d have to pay for the extra bottle & c) it was plain for any to see that they could not choose to stop & they needed more. Because of this exposure, they felt judged & shamed which in turn lead them to exclude from the group anyone they associated with this discomfort.

This may be right.

I had a wild 20's but settled down relatively young, started my career and had kids.

I stopped getting rolling drunk about 17 years ago (mainly because I can't handle the hangovers) but also because I just think it steals time from me.

Actually the women who have been excluded in the past are on the more sensible side of the spectrum.

She's never really stopped getting messy drunk. On the night in question she ended up kissing a man in a bar and I was a bit embarrassed and maybe I came across as snooty or snobby. I don't know.

Not sure I really care now. With this thread, there's been some excellent advice, particularly the stuff about bystander action, trauma bonds and power games.

I don't think I will speak to her again. Not on purpose. I will respond if she speaks to me.

OP posts:
Codswallopcurry · 06/02/2022 21:26

I would have to call her out on it. Then, just forget she exists. Toxic people don't deserve friends.

CaMePlaitPas · 06/02/2022 21:28

Imagine being 50 and still not knowing how to treat people. I'd be out OP.

pictish · 06/02/2022 21:31

@UserBot9to5

Yeh, queen bees hate me. Even if i do nothing worse than just hold back a bit, politely... they know i know. 🙈
Same here. Queen Bees often take against me. I’m outgoing and friendly but I’m not overly concerned by falling in with a crowd so I don’t kowtow sufficiently. They sense my independence so I don’t do well in social groups as a general thing…two or three will genuinely like me but the Queen Bee never does.

I do have a long standing social group of 20 years plus, who I don’t live in the same place as any more but still see regularly and value a lot. There’s never been any game-playing pecking-order drama like this among us though, which I’m really thankful for. I’ve seen plenty of it elsewhere.

pictish · 06/02/2022 21:35

Just fuck her and the weaklings off.

To be confused as to why I am excluded?
TolkiensFallow · 06/02/2022 21:38

I’ve known people like this. You’re better off without her.

Original poster
yesitssea · 06/02/2022 21:39

I haven't had a response to my comment reply that I didn't know it was going on.

I think some of them are still there, but some of the group are definitely home now.

I hope some of them see it soon 😂

OP posts:
Luciea19 · 06/02/2022 21:42

I guess you have a few options.
Message and apologise that you missed the party and must have missed the invite. Play naive.
Or ask her what the issue is and explain you are hurt and wondering what you have done to cause this?
Or block her and remove her from your life.
Sometimes people change and decide to change friendships etc but this was a really hurtful way to go about it! Maybe you need to plan a weekend away and see how she likes it in the future!

Dindundundundeeer · 06/02/2022 21:44

It’s hard not to hurt, but you know it’s her. Glad you’ve decided to dump her.

ESGdance · 06/02/2022 21:46

@StellaGibs

She wants the drama I think. To get a kick off making people fume over being left out. Unfortunately the tag and comment will have fed the beast.
Not necessarily - she has now lost control of the narrative.

That will cause her immense distress.

But when stressed she will likely flip straight into fight /attack mode - so don your tin hat - but chuckle away that her next comment / actions will be v telling and transparent. Don’t react to anything she does or says - let her sit for a loooooong time, exposed in discomfort. Be wise and dignified.,