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Original poster

To be confused as to why I am excluded?

999 replies

yesitssea · 05/02/2022 23:42

My friends 50th.

She was my best pal through uni. And afterwards. We lived together in a flat share too for a few years.

Saw her normally over the past year (2 or 3 times) text her happy birthday last week and she replied really friendly like 'thanks, hope we can meet up soon!'.

I go on Facebook today and her and all of our friends are away celebrating her 50th in a hotel. I am gobsmacked. There are even people there who are more my friends than hers. Our old work colleagues. Our joint friends.

I just can't understand it. It's bizarre. She's must have known about it for months. We caught up before christmas and nothing was mentioned.

She does have a history of occasionally singling one person out and excluding them for a while. She likes to be the organiser of weekends away etc.

Im wondering if it's my turn. She's done it to another of our friends and we all noticed and just purposefully made sure that person was forwarded on the invitation every event that was organised.

Can you help me understand what's gone on here? It's so weird. Am I the pariah this time?

Even my Mum said to me 'oh Kerry's 50th looks fab, why didn't you go?' As she had seen pics on Facebook. So awkward.

OP posts:
Icepinkeskimo · 06/02/2022 19:11

@Lighthouseblue

I'd organise a big party, deliberately not invite her, post about it everywhere on social media and then drop her like a hot potato! Fuck the old bag! I had a 'friend' do this to me many moons ago and trust me, in this case 'revenge is sweet' and then you move on with your head held high! I know I certainly did! Wink
I love this!

Sorry, but sometimes to often we are told to be the 'better person' and rise above it, etc etc.

While we are all being the 'better person' the so called "Queen Bully Bee 🐝 " gets away with it time and time again. The power trip continues.

I'd love to see you throw a lovely gathering OP kind of like a celebration of freedom from "Queen Bully Bee"

nitsandwormsdodger · 06/02/2022 19:17

She must have a really compelling personality for so many to want keep in with her
From your updates I’d definitely withdraw with grace
I had a friend/enemy once and I’m so much happier with her out of my life bit of a warning however : these people do not let you leave them easily there may be more drama as you exit this toxic psychodrama , usually running you down to others and doing dramatic shit to get your attention so be warned and be ready personally I’d go for super polite nonchalance

BlueMongoose · 06/02/2022 19:20

@drpet49

** This is he most bizarre thread

The op has seen her do this multiple times to other people…. And yet she has watched it happen and remain friends with the woman

Then it happens to the op, and she’s confused. Well…. You saw it happening to others so why are you surprised

And finally… it wasn’t just her that excluded you. It was ALL the others.**

^This

I've been in a professional society where this has happened- though I am freelance it was one I could not just walk away from without losing both work and money. I have argued about it, stood up for the ones left out or marginalised, and in the end- guess what? Despite being a senior member in about the best standing possible, and someone who did a huge amount of work free for the society and had done over many years, in the end, I too started to be excluded from workshops and other events. By people who hadn't been around as long as I had. It's not always as easy as you might think to stop it. (I did leave for a while years ago because of what I objected to, but was persuaded back because 'we've changed'. It was after I'd been back a few years and it all flared up again and I objected to it that I became the target. I've now left again for good.)
booplefloof · 06/02/2022 19:22

@yesitssea

This is brilliant. One friend has commented underneath the photo 'Shame you couldn't make it Taz' (my nickname).

I've replied 'Literally didn't know it was going on! Hope you've had a good time.'

I feel this might kick off now. Oops.

That is a good response. Now walk away from these toxic people
jobsagudden · 06/02/2022 19:28

What a weird woman!!

Madge55 · 06/02/2022 19:37

Wonder if you sent a group message that said ...up to your usual tricks again isolating people ...wondered how long it would take to come round to me ... no invite...no friend... I'm out. Have a happy life. Bye.

IReallyLikeCrows · 06/02/2022 19:43

@yesitssea

This is brilliant. One friend has commented underneath the photo 'Shame you couldn't make it Taz' (my nickname).

I've replied 'Literally didn't know it was going on! Hope you've had a good time.'

I feel this might kick off now. Oops.

Your response is perfect. If it kicks off I hope that the right person is in the firing line, i.e. not you.
BlueMongoose · 06/02/2022 19:45

@Theblacksheepandme

It's all very well saying don't bother with her anymore but she will probably lose all the other friends also. They are very unlikely to join OP.

I have been the person that calls people out for bad behaviour. It is a lonely place to be. Not once did anyone ever back me up. I have no friends now at all. It makes me sad sometimes but it's better than getting hurt.

Pretty much how it is for me, and for the same reasons. But I have been lucky, and I do have a few friends left- the 'keepers'. Not many, and none, sadly, close to where I live now, but they are there. Do try not to get stuck thinking that there are no good friends for you out there. There are people who will value you of your courage in standing up for others. They're harder to find than the 'friends' you've had before, but do try to be open to finding them. They can turn up in the strangest and most unexpected places.Flowers
PollyPepper · 06/02/2022 19:48

So she must have told them that you couldn't make it for whatever reason!? What a weirdo. Good for you for calling it out OP, she should be very very embarrassed.

HaggisBurger · 06/02/2022 19:51

@yesitssea

This is brilliant. One friend has commented underneath the photo 'Shame you couldn't make it Taz' (my nickname).

I've replied 'Literally didn't know it was going on! Hope you've had a good time.'

I feel this might kick off now. Oops.

Good for you. People need to be pulled on this kind of nonsense
TrufflesAndToast · 06/02/2022 19:51

Well done for being truthful and making it clear she excluded you. She sounds toxic and you should absolutely distance.

Cookiemonster2022 · 06/02/2022 19:58

If I am 50 I won't bother worrying about people being d*head. Forgive and forget

Cherrysoup · 06/02/2022 20:03

@yesitssea

This is brilliant. One friend has commented underneath the photo 'Shame you couldn't make it Taz' (my nickname).

I've replied 'Literally didn't know it was going on! Hope you've had a good time.'

I feel this might kick off now. Oops.

Good, but did nobody discuss the weekend with you? Odd group of friends!
MsTSwift · 06/02/2022 20:12

Stop saying it’s teenage girl behaviour my 15 year old and her group are very careful on how they treat each other and would never be this mean!

Stonerosie67 · 06/02/2022 20:14

Great response, but I would also be wondering why nobody mentioned it to me before now?

Benjispruce5 · 06/02/2022 20:14

@MsTSwift plenty do! But their brains aren’t fully developed.

MsTSwift · 06/02/2022 20:19

At least they have an excuse then! Unlike this 50 year old!

Benjispruce5 · 06/02/2022 20:23

That’s my point.

Oli5 · 06/02/2022 20:25

Wondering how many people here have actually experienced this type of thing! I definitely have but people’s reactions are making me think I am in the minority ! Along with OP!!

flashy44 · 06/02/2022 20:25

@DiddyHeck

Im wondering if it's my turn. She's done it to another of our friends and we all noticed and just purposefully made sure that person was forwarded on the invitation every event that was organised.

Can you help me understand what's gone on here? It's so weird. Am I the pariah this time?

What's going on here is that you and your friends have let her get away with this appalling behaviour so she's never had to stop it.

What I don't understand is why you all think it's ok?

This,she needs to hear from the friends that it is not ok to exclude when she feels like it,you have all talked about it but still let her get away with it
diddl · 06/02/2022 20:31

@Oli5

Wondering how many people here have actually experienced this type of thing! I definitely have but people’s reactions are making me think I am in the minority ! Along with OP!!
I haven't & I think it makes it hard to understand why people still see her even though they know that she has excluded someone on a whim.

She has a plausible excuse?

They like her too much to think it was deliberate?

They go along so it doesn't happen to them?

It's hard to understand why everyone else doesn't band together & kick her out of the group!

BlueMongoose · 06/02/2022 20:33

@Oli5

Wondering how many people here have actually experienced this type of thing! I definitely have but people’s reactions are making me think I am in the minority ! Along with OP!!
Oh I have. More than once. And I know others that have- a good many, in fact. I suspect a lot of people have. Some may not know they have, of course. But anyone who has never had it happen has been pretty lucky.

People who do it, as OP points out about her 'friend', are generally serial offenders. For every offender, there will be a string of victims. So, a lot.

ManicPixie · 06/02/2022 20:33

Reading this makes me relieved I don’t have any close friends who still act like teenagers. It must be exhausting.

Theblacksheepandme · 06/02/2022 20:36

BlueMongoose
Pretty much how it is for me, and for the same reasons. But I have been lucky, and I do have a few friends left- the 'keepers'. Not many, and none, sadly, close to where I live now, but they are there. Do try not to get stuck thinking that there are no good friends for you out there. Therearepeople who will value you of your courage in standing up for others. They're harder to find than the 'friends' you've had before, but do try to be open to finding them. They can turn up in the strangest and most unexpected places.

Thanks for the kind words. I'll try to keep an open mind about friendship.

thenightsky · 06/02/2022 20:45

@Madge55

Wonder if you sent a group message that said ...up to your usual tricks again isolating people ...wondered how long it would take to come round to me ... no invite...no friend... I'm out. Have a happy life. Bye.
I think I'd have gone this route too.