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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be confused as to why I am excluded?

999 replies

yesitssea · 05/02/2022 23:42

My friends 50th.

She was my best pal through uni. And afterwards. We lived together in a flat share too for a few years.

Saw her normally over the past year (2 or 3 times) text her happy birthday last week and she replied really friendly like 'thanks, hope we can meet up soon!'.

I go on Facebook today and her and all of our friends are away celebrating her 50th in a hotel. I am gobsmacked. There are even people there who are more my friends than hers. Our old work colleagues. Our joint friends.

I just can't understand it. It's bizarre. She's must have known about it for months. We caught up before christmas and nothing was mentioned.

She does have a history of occasionally singling one person out and excluding them for a while. She likes to be the organiser of weekends away etc.

Im wondering if it's my turn. She's done it to another of our friends and we all noticed and just purposefully made sure that person was forwarded on the invitation every event that was organised.

Can you help me understand what's gone on here? It's so weird. Am I the pariah this time?

Even my Mum said to me 'oh Kerry's 50th looks fab, why didn't you go?' As she had seen pics on Facebook. So awkward.

OP posts:
howtoleaveit · 06/02/2022 17:52

Brilliant reply. Play the “confused” card. Be happy and polite and respectful and confused. Phrases like “such a shame as I would have loved to have celebrated my old mates birthday with you all” “shame I didn’t get the chance to give her this gift personally” and “hope I get to see you all soon” and “if I’d known about it I would have been there with bells on! You all know I love a knees up” keep it fun. Then quietly arrange to meet up with each person (other than her) individually. Keep it quiet. You’ve got to fortify now and dig in. She’s singling you out and loves the drama. Don’t converse with her. Don’t answer her messages. Silence annoys people like her more than anything. Keep your individual friendships going and strong. Time to dig in.

PatchworkElmer · 06/02/2022 18:07

Hahaha amazing reply!

WheresYourSnickers · 06/02/2022 18:21

@yesitssea

This is brilliant. One friend has commented underneath the photo 'Shame you couldn't make it Taz' (my nickname).

I've replied 'Literally didn't know it was going on! Hope you've had a good time.'

I feel this might kick off now. Oops.

Good for you, call her out on it. Don't let her lie to people that you "couldn't make it". I'm fuming on your behalf Angry
PoshPyjamas · 06/02/2022 18:22

I know - I’m loving the ‘I stopped after 5’ as a picture of restraint!

Wrongkindofovercoat · 06/02/2022 18:24

'shame you couldn't make it' sounds as though people have been told you weren't able to, doesn't it ?

Iamasingingtelegram · 06/02/2022 18:25

Place marking :)

nancyclancy123 · 06/02/2022 18:26

Place marking

MsWalterMitty · 06/02/2022 18:28

@yesitssea

This is brilliant. One friend has commented underneath the photo 'Shame you couldn't make it Taz' (my nickname).

I've replied 'Literally didn't know it was going on! Hope you've had a good time.'

I feel this might kick off now. Oops.

Amazing! 🤣
Juniper68 · 06/02/2022 18:29

@yesitssea

This is brilliant. One friend has commented underneath the photo 'Shame you couldn't make it Taz' (my nickname).

I've replied 'Literally didn't know it was going on! Hope you've had a good time.'

I feel this might kick off now. Oops.

Great reply. Hope you put laughing emoji??
Moonshine9 · 06/02/2022 18:35

Excellent, can't wait to see if there are any replies!

Dibbydoos · 06/02/2022 18:37

Im not normally judgey, but in this case...I'd confront her. What a disgusting thing to do. She sounds like a peach (not).

pompomseverywhere · 06/02/2022 18:40

@yesitssea

This is brilliant. One friend has commented underneath the photo 'Shame you couldn't make it Taz' (my nickname).

I've replied 'Literally didn't know it was going on! Hope you've had a good time.'

I feel this might kick off now. Oops.

Great reply to let everyone know what's going on. Well done!
pompomseverywhere · 06/02/2022 18:41

Also you sound like you are taking the exclusion very well. It's awful to be left out by friends, really hurtful.

BlueMongoose · 06/02/2022 18:47

When I see people I know behave like that to other people, I take it as a warning, withdraw, and don't waste my time with them. I don't like being with mean people, it endorses their nastiness. I don't think she is worth investing much time and emotional energy over. I'd just quietly back away and find someone less mean to spend time with.

surreygirl1987 · 06/02/2022 18:50

Great response 😆

dondon23 · 06/02/2022 18:50

Eeee 😬 Go girl.
You need to keep us updated on how this all pans out.
Good luck xx

OverByYer · 06/02/2022 18:55

Cool response. Checkmate.What will 'friend' do next?

XiCi · 06/02/2022 19:00

What an awful woman. I wonder what lies she has told your friends to explain your absence

Lighthouseblue · 06/02/2022 19:01

I'd organise a big party, deliberately not invite her, post about it everywhere on social media and then drop her like a hot potato! Fuck the old bag! I had a 'friend' do this to me many moons ago and trust me, in this case 'revenge is sweet' and then you move on with your head held high! I know I certainly did! Wink

BlueMongoose · 06/02/2022 19:04

@pompomseverywhere

Also you sound like you are taking the exclusion very well. It's awful to be left out by friends, really hurtful.
It sounds like maybe some at least of the other friends didn't know the OP hadn't been asked. Which means that the offender was allowing them to think the OP had chosen not to be there, which stinks even more. It's happened to all of us at some point. And it's often compounded when the offender lies and claims to have 'forgotten' to ask you. Riiight. Happened to me a year or so ago with a workshop group, part of a (work) society I've been in for over 30 years- significantly longer than the person who I think was the main instigator. I was assured I'd definitely be asked next time. Of course, I wasn't; I only found out from FB that the meeting had taken place. But sod 'em, I'm not so short of things to do that it's a problem. I realised that I had been far less stressed since I'd stopped going there once every few months, too, so I left the organisation completely- they can find someone else now to do the difficult, unpopular and un-glamorous jobs and paperwork.... And TBH, I dare say more than one of the others would prefer me not being around, as though I'm quiet, there are reasons why they can't dominate and play Queen Bee as much when I'm there. Not least because I do my best to keep things fair towards other people- especially the less powerful and the absent (hence the stress for me). In the end, we have to know when to cut our losses with people. Knowing them for a long time is neither here nor there. It's called 'sunk cost' in economics. You have to accept the past, and not be hamstrung by it when you decide on things for the future..
Pigeonsdontliketrucks · 06/02/2022 19:05

Op, your ‘friend’ sounds like a very toxic and unhappy person. I really hope your other friends were not aware of the situation and genuinely did think that you just couldn’t make it. Good response from you, hope it opens everyone’s eyes to who she really is!

Towerofjoyless · 06/02/2022 19:05

I wonder if the friend who tagged you and commented on fb did this on purpose as she maybe had an idea that you had been excluded and didn't buy into the lie your 'friend' told her?

Mouldyfeet · 06/02/2022 19:06

I find it hard to believe that there was no mention of this from anyone?? Such a big event and nobody mentioned it to you……..

FurbleSocks · 06/02/2022 19:06

@yesitssea

This is brilliant. One friend has commented underneath the photo 'Shame you couldn't make it Taz' (my nickname).

I've replied 'Literally didn't know it was going on! Hope you've had a good time.'

I feel this might kick off now. Oops.

I'm pleased you called her out on it. There's no reason you'd want to be friends with her after this anyway and you need her to know that you know.
Pigeonsdontliketrucks · 06/02/2022 19:09

Ps, I wouldn’t be at all surprised if she tries to turn it around on you. Like saying to all your mutual friends that she did invite you but you didn’t respond/didn’t want to go because you’re upset at her got done thing or other/you really hurt her by not responding to the invite…..bla bla.
People like her are sneaky and will happily play the victim card if they feel people turning against them.

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