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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be confused as to why I am excluded?

999 replies

yesitssea · 05/02/2022 23:42

My friends 50th.

She was my best pal through uni. And afterwards. We lived together in a flat share too for a few years.

Saw her normally over the past year (2 or 3 times) text her happy birthday last week and she replied really friendly like 'thanks, hope we can meet up soon!'.

I go on Facebook today and her and all of our friends are away celebrating her 50th in a hotel. I am gobsmacked. There are even people there who are more my friends than hers. Our old work colleagues. Our joint friends.

I just can't understand it. It's bizarre. She's must have known about it for months. We caught up before christmas and nothing was mentioned.

She does have a history of occasionally singling one person out and excluding them for a while. She likes to be the organiser of weekends away etc.

Im wondering if it's my turn. She's done it to another of our friends and we all noticed and just purposefully made sure that person was forwarded on the invitation every event that was organised.

Can you help me understand what's gone on here? It's so weird. Am I the pariah this time?

Even my Mum said to me 'oh Kerry's 50th looks fab, why didn't you go?' As she had seen pics on Facebook. So awkward.

OP posts:
TurquoiseDragon · 06/02/2022 16:08

I'd be wondering about the rest of the friends as well.

Given how long it must have taken to set this weekend up, I am surprised none of them spoke about it with OP, in a sort of "looking forwards to the weekend" kind of way.

Sally872 · 06/02/2022 16:09

@yesitssea

This is brilliant. One friend has commented underneath the photo 'Shame you couldn't make it Taz' (my nickname).

I've replied 'Literally didn't know it was going on! Hope you've had a good time.'

I feel this might kick off now. Oops.

Perfect response OP.
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 06/02/2022 16:21

Hee hee - good response - let us know how it goes!

However, I would ask MNHQ to edit your post if that is your real nickname - too outing, and searchable too.

UserBot9to5 · 06/02/2022 16:24

@yesitssea

This is brilliant. One friend has commented underneath the photo 'Shame you couldn't make it Taz' (my nickname).

I've replied 'Literally didn't know it was going on! Hope you've had a good time.'

I feel this might kick off now. Oops.

Good. Her deliberate exclusion of you is clear now.

You couldnt make it!! Cheek of her!

Pipsquiggle · 06/02/2022 16:26

Good response OP. Makes it clear you were NFI; gracious in hoping they had a nice time.

Hopefully someone will get in touch and clarify what was said about your non-appearance

UniversalAunt · 06/02/2022 16:27

‘ The last time we met up she got sloppy drunk and I stopped after 5 drinks and I think it put her nose out. I wonder if I'm being punished for that.’

Oh yessssss!

Being shown-up by someone else’s good sense & simple wordless actions, to be a sloppy sad middled-aged soak with no man, no children, insecure & mean, menopausal & about to crash 50. Florid language for dramatic purpose.

Yes, she might wake up the next day & not like you very much for holding up a mirror to her pointless existence. Note that I am borrowing her emotional furniture rent free because this may be how she lives in her head. You know her well enough now to see right through her pathetic charade. She will want to keep you at arm’s length so that you are not there next time she has a significant booze-up - say her 50th - in case you see her falter & you being sober enough to see it happen…& remember/mention it.

Might she have taken against the sober-ish moderate drinking folk in your group before, or is being generally OK with life enough to set her off?

You’ll find many posts on MN referring to this dynamic around alcohol.

I was excluded from a small group after a restaurant dinner when I declined more booze as I’d had enough (other diners then said the same) & this exposed a couple of heavy boozers as they couldn’t order an extra bottle without revealing a) themselves to be heavier drinkers than the group who had all had a good slosh by then, b) they’d have to pay for the extra bottle & c) it was plain for any to see that they could not choose to stop & they needed more. Because of this exposure, they felt judged & shamed which in turn lead them to exclude from the group anyone they associated with this discomfort.

Faevern · 06/02/2022 16:29

Let’s hope it does kick off, I suspect it won’t and the friends will kowtow as per the norm.

SergeiL · 06/02/2022 16:30

This happened to me at uni. Very close friendship group or so I thought. One Queen Bee/Bully who was always being mean about or excluding others. Sorry to say I guess I was part of that. Until I was the one to be excluded. I learnt a lesson about treating others badly, I learnt a lesson about friendships and I never spoke to her or her tribe again. I had only been colluding with her for a couple of years so I am glad I walked away. Great response on the photo. You have had yours opened and hopefully some of her other friends have too now.

Toanewstart23 · 06/02/2022 16:30

@yesitssea

This is brilliant. One friend has commented underneath the photo 'Shame you couldn't make it Taz' (my nickname).

I've replied 'Literally didn't know it was going on! Hope you've had a good time.'

I feel this might kick off now. Oops.

Not one of your “friends” mentioned this weekend away in the preceding months?

Not one?

Toanewstart23 · 06/02/2022 16:31

When my friends and I are going
There’s messaging beforehand… re transport, activities, general chit chat

DreamerSeven · 06/02/2022 16:36

@yesitssea

This is brilliant. One friend has commented underneath the photo 'Shame you couldn't make it Taz' (my nickname).

I've replied 'Literally didn't know it was going on! Hope you've had a good time.'

I feel this might kick off now. Oops.

Good for you, mean “girls” get away with this sort of crap as people are to scared to say anything!
whynotwhatknot · 06/02/2022 16:36

Shes obviously lied about why youre not there and it does seem its your turn to be ousted

thats no friend

debwong · 06/02/2022 16:38

@yesitssea

This is brilliant. One friend has commented underneath the photo 'Shame you couldn't make it Taz' (my nickname).

I've replied 'Literally didn't know it was going on! Hope you've had a good time.'

I feel this might kick off now. Oops.

Good for you!
ESGdance · 06/02/2022 16:44

“Op, you said that she tends to single out the confident people for exclusion. She is on a power trip and enjoys putting these people ‘ in their place’ because she is basically an insecure individual who envies those who are secure in themselves”

“To manipulate people, to ensure they are anxious and jump to her tune.
These types never change.
Walk away Op”

“People who blow hot and cold and exclude are doing it to manipulate and maintain their hold over others.
No one is considered on her level,she is top dog.
Fear of exclusion means the others go along with it.”

I also agree with PPs since your recent post about drinking - she doesn’t like that you have control over your drinking when she doesn’t have control over yours.

She is a bully and pushes others out and then ropes them back in to maintain a hierarchy of fear. That’s why no one stands up to her or for anyone else.

But I think the person who just tagged you - knows this and is calling her out subtly and publicly. Well done on your response - but leave it there - don’t get involved in a bun fight online. Let the silence echo loudly and be very uncomfortable for Kerry.

Take it off line and ask the tagger what was said.

Itsalmostanaccessory · 06/02/2022 16:50

She sounds like a bit of a dick.

Has no one ever said, "You're behaving like a little bit of a dick," when she does stuff like this?

Mydogmylife · 06/02/2022 16:55

I'm sorry this has happened, hurtful I know, but as pp have said I'm confused as to why you're confused about this happening. She's got form, she's done it before and your entire friendship group , including yourself, has been complicit to a degree in her behaviour. Did you really think that one day it wouldn't be your turn?

Thelnebriati · 06/02/2022 17:01

They always turn on the person that calls them out, and there's always one in the group that pretends its not them its everyone else. Leave them to it.

Toanewstart23 · 06/02/2022 17:11

@Thelnebriati

They always turn on the person that calls them out, and there's always one in the group that pretends its not them its everyone else. Leave them to it.
But she didn’t call her up on it!
Dasher789 · 06/02/2022 17:12

Great reply. Here for what happens next Grin

Theblacksheepandme · 06/02/2022 17:14

I really dont believe that there wasn't lots of pre party discussions. If they were told you couldn't make it they surely would have mentioned it to you.

MadMadMadamMim · 06/02/2022 17:14

Good response.

I would phone her after the weekend and say bluntly I'd really like to know why you decided to deliberately not invite me to your 50th weekend away. Particularly as you invited everyone else. I think you owe me an honest explanation after 30 years of friendship.

I would absolutely put her on the spot. And I'd tell her it was such a shitty thing to do that I wouldn't be having any more to do with her.

I can't bear this kind of game playing and manipulation and I'd be very direct.

suchabitch · 06/02/2022 17:20

She’s on a power trip. Unless you’ve done something really awful you’ve forgotten about which seems unlikely…

Detach and find new friends.

Fluffycloudland77 · 06/02/2022 17:31

Obviously the groups noticed and didn’t buy the excuse you were tie dying your poodle this week or plaiting your husky.

JuergenSchwarzwald · 06/02/2022 17:32

The last time we met up she got sloppy drunk and I stopped after 5 drinks and I think it put her nose out. I wonder if I'm being punished for that

she'd hate me, I'd have to stop after 2!

polavary · 06/02/2022 17:34

Great response OP