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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be confused as to why I am excluded?

999 replies

yesitssea · 05/02/2022 23:42

My friends 50th.

She was my best pal through uni. And afterwards. We lived together in a flat share too for a few years.

Saw her normally over the past year (2 or 3 times) text her happy birthday last week and she replied really friendly like 'thanks, hope we can meet up soon!'.

I go on Facebook today and her and all of our friends are away celebrating her 50th in a hotel. I am gobsmacked. There are even people there who are more my friends than hers. Our old work colleagues. Our joint friends.

I just can't understand it. It's bizarre. She's must have known about it for months. We caught up before christmas and nothing was mentioned.

She does have a history of occasionally singling one person out and excluding them for a while. She likes to be the organiser of weekends away etc.

Im wondering if it's my turn. She's done it to another of our friends and we all noticed and just purposefully made sure that person was forwarded on the invitation every event that was organised.

Can you help me understand what's gone on here? It's so weird. Am I the pariah this time?

Even my Mum said to me 'oh Kerry's 50th looks fab, why didn't you go?' As she had seen pics on Facebook. So awkward.

OP posts:
Original poster
yesitssea · 06/02/2022 14:57

@Lampzade

Op, you said that she tends to single out the confident people for exclusion. She is on a power trip and enjoys putting these people ‘ in their place’ because she is basically an insecure individual who envies those who are secure in themselves
That's my conclusion too.

It's often criticising a friends husband, or job, or kids. I don't engage as she has always been like this.

However when she is on form she is fun.

The last time we met up she got sloppy drunk and I stopped after 5 drinks and I think it put her nose out. I wonder if I'm being punished for that.

OP posts:
Sloth66 · 06/02/2022 15:02

She sounds more like a teenager. Obviously enjoys manipulating and playing games . I’d call it bullying. Block, ignore , move on?

Lampzade · 06/02/2022 15:03

@jytdtysrht

Ghosting is not morally reprehensible or cowardly when the person presenting problems gets off on confrontation and drama. If someone deliberately treats you like shit, it’s absolutely the right thing to do.
This
justmaybenot · 06/02/2022 15:04

Don't totally withdraw from all your friends though - that way her power trip has worked. Make sure you still see them, and in a group, and either do or don't invite her. But don't let this destroy your network. Something similar happened to me and I withdrew and felt so ashamed about being excluded that I lost touch with so many friends.

Powertoyou · 06/02/2022 15:06

Is there anyone in your group you could talk to? The Queen bee might have told them that she did ask you, but you couldn’t make it.
No great loss though.
Concentrate on better friends and don’t give this headspace.

AtrociousCircumstance · 06/02/2022 15:18

Five drinks wasn’t enough!? Jeez.

She sounds awful. It’s no surprise that she finally got around to doing her power trip exclusion thing on you. She must have got such a thrill from it. Ugh.

Some would have to be the funnest of the fun to balance out that shit OP. And even then - nah.

Original poster
yesitssea · 06/02/2022 15:19

This is brilliant. One friend has commented underneath the photo 'Shame you couldn't make it Taz' (my nickname).

I've replied 'Literally didn't know it was going on! Hope you've had a good time.'

I feel this might kick off now. Oops.

OP posts:
SudaneseHipHopFan · 06/02/2022 15:23

I know someone like this. She joined an established friendship group and created chaos. It was really only when she moved away that it became apparent how toxic she was. People would get excluded but in a subtle non-obvious way. At a formal event she changed around the name cards on the table so that the those who were in favour at that particular time were next to her and others out of favour were banished to the end of the table. She became the 'social organiser' of the group.

She has done you a massive favour really. You now have the perfect excuse to drop her from your life. Take it.

stripeyflowers · 06/02/2022 15:24
Biscuit
stripeyflowers · 06/02/2022 15:26

Just a thought - if the friend is saying 'shame you couldn't make it' has Queen Bee told other people who asked about you (someone must have done) a lie that you could not go for whatever reason?

Blinkingheckythump · 06/02/2022 15:30

@yesitssea

This is brilliant. One friend has commented underneath the photo 'Shame you couldn't make it Taz' (my nickname).

I've replied 'Literally didn't know it was going on! Hope you've had a good time.'

I feel this might kick off now. Oops.

I wonder if she's on here and saw this thread
billy1966 · 06/02/2022 15:32

OP,

She has made a very big statement deliberately not inviting you, especially as you were in contact recently.

I hope you have the self respect to see her for who she clearly is and has been towards others and move on from the friendship without drama.

If it is said to her she may claim she simply forgot, which of course would be a lie.

She is not your friend and when you remain close to people who are unkind to others, you cannot really be surprised when they turn on you.

Have a hard look at the group as a whole and decide who you wish to remain in contact with, and go forward from there.

If the rest of the group ignore what she has done, then they really aren't a nice bunch of people, and you should perhaps look at the effort you want to invest.

diddl · 06/02/2022 15:35

@yesitssea

This is brilliant. One friend has commented underneath the photo 'Shame you couldn't make it Taz' (my nickname).

I've replied 'Literally didn't know it was going on! Hope you've had a good time.'

I feel this might kick off now. Oops.

I think it was a perfect opportunity to do that.

I suppose it's possible that they didn't know beforehand that you wouldn't be there?

Tara336 · 06/02/2022 15:42

@Momijin that is exactly what happened to me, we were friends for years during that time I was diagnosed with a chronic illness, marriage broke down, had to live in rented accommodation etc but as soon as life was on the up, new home, new job, new relationship (now DH) she lost interest in our friendship. Looking back she only ever wanted to be friends with people whose life wasn’t amazing and she was always telling me about latest new friends dramas. I knew her own life was crap and I think she’s used to like to feel a bit superior and did that by picking friends whose lives seemed worse somehow. It was something I had noticed but not focused on too much, until she deleted and blocked me on FB a few days before my wedding. That confirmed it for me, I was happy, settled and doing too well to be of interest anymore.

lockthedoor36 · 06/02/2022 15:45

She sounds more like a teenager. Obviously enjoys manipulating and playing games

but this is a myth; the idea that such behaviour is typical to teenagers or girls/females is a myth. It is common amongst all age groups and genders. I've seen groups of adult men do it to a man in their group.

2DogsOnMySofa · 06/02/2022 15:46

Well done for commenting back op

cruelladevill · 06/02/2022 15:46

Shamelessly place marking

JuergenSchwarzwald · 06/02/2022 15:47

It's really sad that 50 year old women are still acting like teenage girls.

Anyway OP, a chance opened up for you to say you weren't invited but take the moral high ground and say you hoped everyone had a good time. It will be interesting to see if she tries to justify not inviting you now. In your shoes I would now mute her on social media and get on with your life.

Thelnebriati · 06/02/2022 15:49

She's done it to another of our friends and we all noticed and just purposefully made sure that person was forwarded on the invitation every event that was organised.

When it came to be your 'turn' none of the others did that for you. They all know she does it and none of them checked up to make sure everyone was invited.
I don't know how you can be arsed to deal with any of them after this.

SugarAndSpiceIsNice · 06/02/2022 15:49

@yesitssea

This is brilliant. One friend has commented underneath the photo 'Shame you couldn't make it Taz' (my nickname).

I've replied 'Literally didn't know it was going on! Hope you've had a good time.'

I feel this might kick off now. Oops.

Brilliant!
whirlycarly · 06/02/2022 15:50

Great response. Factual and to the point.

Will be interesting to see what happens next. Hopefully anyone involved will squirm a little. I don't think you need to say anything further. It's bloody obvious what's happened. Keep the high ground.

Sportslady44 · 06/02/2022 15:55

Do not ask just get on with your life.

Fieldofflowers22 · 06/02/2022 15:56

Oh that's awful and really sneaky too. She knows you would have seen the post so it's almost like trying to hurt you without actually having to say anything. Ask her.

cakewench · 06/02/2022 15:59

@yesitssea

This is brilliant. One friend has commented underneath the photo 'Shame you couldn't make it Taz' (my nickname).

I've replied 'Literally didn't know it was going on! Hope you've had a good time.'

I feel this might kick off now. Oops.

Perfect response.

(however I hope that's a made up nickname as I'm surprised this hasn't been picked up by the S*n yet!)

ChocAH0l1kk2 · 06/02/2022 16:04

You should have received an invite