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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be confused as to why I am excluded?

999 replies

yesitssea · 05/02/2022 23:42

My friends 50th.

She was my best pal through uni. And afterwards. We lived together in a flat share too for a few years.

Saw her normally over the past year (2 or 3 times) text her happy birthday last week and she replied really friendly like 'thanks, hope we can meet up soon!'.

I go on Facebook today and her and all of our friends are away celebrating her 50th in a hotel. I am gobsmacked. There are even people there who are more my friends than hers. Our old work colleagues. Our joint friends.

I just can't understand it. It's bizarre. She's must have known about it for months. We caught up before christmas and nothing was mentioned.

She does have a history of occasionally singling one person out and excluding them for a while. She likes to be the organiser of weekends away etc.

Im wondering if it's my turn. She's done it to another of our friends and we all noticed and just purposefully made sure that person was forwarded on the invitation every event that was organised.

Can you help me understand what's gone on here? It's so weird. Am I the pariah this time?

Even my Mum said to me 'oh Kerry's 50th looks fab, why didn't you go?' As she had seen pics on Facebook. So awkward.

OP posts:

SiobhanSharpe · 06/02/2022 13:01

@OnlyClothes

‘She's done it to another of our friends and we all noticed and just purposefully made sure that person was forwarded on the invitation every event that was organised.’

And yet none of them returned the courtesy to you?

Doesn't seem like any if them are your friends, really. I hope you haven't bought her a gift.

Staffy1 · 06/02/2022 13:08

I had something like this happen. I think an old school friend invited everyone by a private old class fb group, which I wasn’t a part of at the time. The first I knew of it was the fb photos, but I don’t think the person whose party it was realised I hadn’t seen the invite as one of the photos wrongly tagged me as one of the guests, instead of someone who had been a best friend. I was more hurt that the supposed good friend hadn’t mentioned it to me as I am sure she would have noticed I wasn’t part of the invite group and purposefully kept very quiet about it.

lightisnotwhite · 06/02/2022 13:12

I know she has form but actually Kerry may not realise the impact her actions have.
I’m an example of someone who didn’t get it until it was pointed out.
I hate people who are late or dick around with invites. I always thought I was really good about turning up to things. I called my friends out on meet up they were having without me .One of my friends mentioned on WhatsApp that she would but if was a quick meet up and they know how “ I’m always a bit unorganised”.
I was shocked but when I asked one of my other friends they sort of agreed. What I think is making sure we’re all on the same page, is other people thinking I’m a bit confused and disorganised.
So Kerry might not get she’s being a bitch as such.
Or she might.
I think it worth just asking though.

Fluffycloudland77 · 06/02/2022 13:14

The red flags were there though, you probably thought it wouldn’t happen to you because you were so close but they do this to everyone eventually.

There are those that spend years acting like this and then wonder why no one bothers with them. I work with the elderly and see it all the time.

Shortpoet · 06/02/2022 13:14

They probably don’t know that she wasn’t invited. OP doesn’t know what lies have been told about her.

Queen bee could have told them anything, from OP is flaky, to being a bitch, being weird / rude for no reason. Or like she did to a different friend say she’s having personal problems and wants to be left alone by the whole group.

Personally I’d arrange to meet up with some of the others I was closest too and find out what was said.

JohnStonesMissus · 06/02/2022 13:16

@DiddyHeck

I am going to quietly retreat, not going to confront. Going to mute her on socials though.

Oh for goodness sake why not buck the trend and be the one to break the news to her that she's a dick?

Then mute her

Because that's what "the friend" is hoping for, people like her LOVE drama....it's their life blood.

Hobnobswantshernameback · 06/02/2022 13:19

So this person has behaved appallingly for years
Plenty of other people have no doubt felt like shit due to her behaviour and yet everyone has allowed her to get away with it. Yet now you are the one at the wrong end of it you're upset.
Rightyho

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 06/02/2022 13:22

@Chloemol

By not confronting her and calling the behaviour out you are enabling her to carry on as she is

The friendship is over, so why not do something for everyone?

Iwould just post under the pictures something along the lines of I see it’s my turn to be excluded. I think it’s time your behaviour was called out, I am not the first, and won’t be the last as we have all collectively allowed you to get away with it. Well no more.

@Chloemol is spot on, @yesitssea. While I understand why you want to withdraw quietly, it means someone else will become her next target. She is a bully, and it would be good if you felt able to challenge her on it.

Seriously79 · 06/02/2022 13:23

I wouldn't be able to leave it. I would have to comment on the photos.

'Looks like you all had a great time. Where was my invite'

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 06/02/2022 13:32

@pictish

“Can we start a Call Out People’s Bullshit movement?!”

People are so…polite. We put up with a lot of shite in the name of being polite. No one wants to be viewed as the aggressor.

And interestingly, while I’m speaking out about group dynamics and people’s reluctance to rock the boat, I am one such ‘aggressor’. I have been caught up in this sort of bullshit and did confront.
Unsurprisingly, I was neatly ejected from the group. It had a devastating impact on me.

I’m 46 now, I spot these types and know to avoid. I’d love to see a Calling Out Bullshit movement but it takes a brave soul to crack that nut.

I have suggested a Mumsnet Hit Squad in the past, @pictish - a bunch of take-no-prisoners women travelling the length and breadth of the country, to tell people they are bang out of order - dads who have never changed a nappy or looked after the baby on their own, colleagues who steal food from the office fridge, or dump their work on the MNer, so-called friends like this, misbehaving MILs etc!

Theblacksheepandme · 06/02/2022 13:32

I worked in a particular department in my work one time. I really didn't like one of the managers. I felt she created a toxic atmosphere. At one stage at Christmas her manager was giving us half day off whenever we wanted to take it over Christmas. As I was new she asked me not to say anything about it to one person in my section. Other people in the section did this and didn't see anything wrong with it. I straight away told her that I certainly would be telling her and that she was a bully trying to exclude someone. She started crying but I was having none of it. It really surprised me of how many people didn't better an eyelid at being asked to do it. Young teenage bullies just grow up to be 50 year old bullies.

MrsBaublesDylan · 06/02/2022 13:33

I think you are right to go quietly but I wouldn't just put her on mute, I would block and delete.

People like her rely on people saying and doing nothing. The former is fine, the latter is not.

Cheeseboardandcrackers · 06/02/2022 13:52

@BorderlineHappy

I think in your shoes I'd be more hurt with my other friends. To know she has form,but the others deliberately kept it from you. That's a worse betrayel

Agreed.

writingonpaper · 06/02/2022 13:56

I realise in my 20s that if you see a friend of yours being shitty to another friend, its only a matter of time until they treat you like that too.
I cool off friendships with people I see behaving like that now. I have no interest in colluding with their unpleasantness to other people, nor in waiting for it to be 'my turn'.

As to, is it your turn? Yes. As PP have said, y'all have tolerated her treating others like this and now they are all tolerating her treating you like.

And I have to say, Goodness Gracious! A group of 50 year old women behaving like this!

JellyinaWelly · 06/02/2022 14:00

Unresolved childhood trauma

Oli5 · 06/02/2022 14:01

I’ve been in this situation on more than one occasion . I had friends organise to go to a concert years ago and they didn’t invite me even though we had been discussing us all going . More recently I have been left out of dinner parties. It’s very hurtful and I have found over the years I have withdrawn a bit. It’s very upsetting I’m sorry this has happened .

WhereYouLeftIt · 06/02/2022 14:04

I am conflicted.

There is something to be said for not giving her the pleasure of you being seen to be bothered by your exclusion. She must get something out of doing this to people, some thrill of power, being visibly unbothered would diminish that thrill for her.

There is also something to be said for pulling her up on her behaviour, something you and the rest of the group have consistently failed to do. And since she doesn't seem to have ever had to deal with being pulled up, she's probably going to be shit at handling it and unable to turn it around on you.

On balance - "If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always got". If everyone continues to take her crap, she'll keep handing it out. That's not a healthy dynamic for anyone, not even her.

So - I'd actually go for the nuclear option. Not just pull her up, but do so very loudly and very publicly. And to her face, none of this posting on Facebook where she can mute it and pretend to be all hurt and offended. Nope. To her face with the rest of the group as witnesses so that nobody (her) can spin it to the others as something it wasn't. I'd be pointing out that it was a shitty thing to do, that everyone has seen her do it before and I'd be very heavy on the what did she think she was doing and why did she do it and don't try and wriggle out of this by denying it we've all seen you do this time and time again.

But - you'll have to be prepared for the fallout. She won't be your friend afterwards (no loss, so meh) and neither will some of the others (possibly most, possibly all of them). But frankly, since every member of this group has colluded in this for years (and you, too - your hands are not clean here) I'm not sure I'd consider them a loss either. I think I'd be considering it a fresh start away from this unhealthy little clique that I'd become enmeshed in.

pikapikapukachu · 06/02/2022 14:12

I think you need to confront her, OP. Not inviting you to a big birthday bash when she seems to have invited everyone else and their dog is unforgivable. Don't let her get away with it, please.

PrincessNutella · 06/02/2022 14:18

I think it is also fine to block and delete. As far as closure goes, YOU can be the closure, as in, you can close the door because she is not fit for purpose to you.

Gwenhwyfar · 06/02/2022 14:19

[quote Gonnagetgoing]@Gwenhwyfar - in this case you find out what has happened. Has OP upset Kerry or upset someone else or is it Kerry playing divide and conquer?

Most friends will mention if something has happened.[/quote]
This is a woman who excludes people regularly. Nothing big will have happened.

Gwenhwyfar · 06/02/2022 14:20

@Iwonderifiwonderwhy

Well she’s a total cow and you’ve all danced to her tune for reasons I don’t understand.

These difficult people are often fun and charismatic.

Oli5 · 06/02/2022 14:40

I can understand why it’s not so simple to block etc . She is obviously a part of your friendship group so sometimes it’s not as simple as to cut one person off . I could understand why that would be difficult

lechatnoir · 06/02/2022 14:49

Op please don't quietly retreat - the friendship is over anyway so for the love of god call her out on this horrible behaviour. "Just seen all the Facebook photos of your big birthday bash. Have I done something to offend you? Can't say I wasn't hurt to be excluded so it would be good to know why"

Why shouldn't she know it hurts? Everyone pretending nothing has happened is why this behaviour has continued for so long. She might make excuses, she might blag it or she might give you a genuine reason - none of those mean you have to continue the friendship but at least you might make her think twice about doing it to the next person.

StEval · 06/02/2022 14:49

@NoSquirrels

Ugh.

I’d just wish her a happy birthday in whatever way you usually do - card, text, FB, whatever - and never EVER mention not being invited.

Not. A. Word.

Because you’re supposed to care. That’s the drama.

Don’t play.

This but also I would step away from this friendship. People who blow hot and cold and exclude are doing it to manipulate and maintain their hold over others. No one is considered on her level,she is top dog. Fear of exclusion means the others go along with it.

StEval · 06/02/2022 14:53

@lechatnoir

Dont do this. She will slate you from here to Lands End and enjoy it too. She knows she is being horrible, thats why she is doing it. To manipulate people, to ensure they are anxious and jump to her tune. These types never change. Walk away Op

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