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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be confused as to why I am excluded?

999 replies

yesitssea · 05/02/2022 23:42

My friends 50th.

She was my best pal through uni. And afterwards. We lived together in a flat share too for a few years.

Saw her normally over the past year (2 or 3 times) text her happy birthday last week and she replied really friendly like 'thanks, hope we can meet up soon!'.

I go on Facebook today and her and all of our friends are away celebrating her 50th in a hotel. I am gobsmacked. There are even people there who are more my friends than hers. Our old work colleagues. Our joint friends.

I just can't understand it. It's bizarre. She's must have known about it for months. We caught up before christmas and nothing was mentioned.

She does have a history of occasionally singling one person out and excluding them for a while. She likes to be the organiser of weekends away etc.

Im wondering if it's my turn. She's done it to another of our friends and we all noticed and just purposefully made sure that person was forwarded on the invitation every event that was organised.

Can you help me understand what's gone on here? It's so weird. Am I the pariah this time?

Even my Mum said to me 'oh Kerry's 50th looks fab, why didn't you go?' As she had seen pics on Facebook. So awkward.

OP posts:
Porcupineintherough · 06/02/2022 11:29

@rainrainraincamedowndowndown

It's not really weird or bizarre. You knew she was doing this to other people. Now it's your turn. I'm sure all those people she excluded in the past must have felt the same as you. But no one actually challenged? That's more bizarre for me.
^^This. I dont even know why you'd be surprised.
ChampagneLassie · 06/02/2022 11:32

Your both 50 and you're asking strangers why your so-called friend might be behaving like this? That she has form for this!?!? This all sounds like teenage behaviour. If you want to get to bottom and resolve ask her. I can't think why you'd want to be friends with someone who behaves like this if it is a deliberate cold shoulder rather than an admin error. Or why you'd think it's OK for them to treat others like this.

pictish · 06/02/2022 11:34

@BlackAmericanoNoSugar

I would ignore her and point what's happening in an understated way to your mutual friends, but only if they bring the topic up. "Oh, she didn't invite me. I've noticed before that she enjoys things a lot more when she has made sure that someone is missing out or envious, and this time it was me. She's clearly very insecure about something, but trying to hide it, and this is how the insecurity expresses itself."
No. It’s true but no. It’ll be taken straight back through the grapevine and made into OP’s problem. I would say, “I wasn’t invited, she never said why.” but I wouldn’t elaborate on it like that. Let people draw their own conclusion from it. Make yourself busy elsewhere.
Teaforme123 · 06/02/2022 11:48

She loves stupid power games that's why. You've said so yourself, you just don't like it now because she's finally targeting you. Don't even bother getting in touch. Block and move on you don't need friends like her.

2022sucksalready · 06/02/2022 11:53

Why are you going to quietly retreat? If she’s a friend you should be able to just ask her why she has done this, and let her know you feel upset about it.

MissMaple82 · 06/02/2022 11:54

She isn't your friend and quite obviously she doesn't consider you her friend. Cut her out

Whydoesthecatalwaysdothat · 06/02/2022 11:55

She did it because she is clearly a very nasty piece of work. I'm amazed you have tolerated it for so long.

I wouldn't say anything. I would view it as a good thing that I wasn't invited and didn't spend £££ on a card, present, night out and you now know where you stand.

If anyone does mention it then just pretend you didn't know about it and wouldn't have been able to attend as you were already busy/away. Don't ask for details and change the subject as soon as you can.

As soon as I get an inkling that someone is a bit of an arsehole I give them a very wide berth. I like to mix with people who treat me (and their friends) how I would treat people (i.e. nicely!).

I ended a friendship after 20 years last year. The reasons were different but I just decided that I didn't like that particular friend very much anymore and our lives were going in different directions. I don't miss her. Sometimes you need to know when to let go.

Forgothowmuchlhatehomeschoolin · 06/02/2022 12:04

@HaveringWavering

Bloody hell she’s 50, you must be a similar age, you all sound like you are about 14.
I disagree with this.....a 14 year old couldn't possibly know what it is like to be friends with someone for over 30 years so this is much worse.
FancySomeChips · 06/02/2022 12:10

If she does this regularly and no one pulls her up on it, I’m not sure why you are surprised that it’s now your turn.
The whole thing sounds toxic.

Gwenhwyfar · 06/02/2022 12:20

@Viviennemary

I'd exclude her from your life and see how she likes it.
Difficult to do if you have lots of friends in common and you need that joint social life.
Gonnagetgoing · 06/02/2022 12:21

I don’t get why so many people are comparing this to teenage girl dramas. Yes, most of us should’ve grown up and left this behaviour behind but peri/menopause am just plain psychological makeups mean some “Kerry’s” get away with it!

I used to be part of a friendship group, set up by another woman. Am still in touch with some of them. But a couple of women behave appallingly towards others (in 30s and 40s) and as others say rarely do people stand up for the person being excluded.

I’d speak to a couple of mutual friends in this scenario to double check if something was up, did I say something to Kerry etc.

It sounds as if Kerry is Queen Bee though and likes to be in control. For that I’d be tempted to just cut her off.

Loveisthere · 06/02/2022 12:22

Oh no op that is so nasty of her and of your other friends. Of course she told them not to mention the weekend to you and they all agreed and said nothing. It would be normal to say do you want to share a car to Kerry's birthday weekend or what are you wearing etc. Sorry they have all let you down none of them deserve a second. Find new friends that really care about youFlowers

Gonnagetgoing · 06/02/2022 12:23

@Gwenhwyfar - in this case you find out what has happened. Has OP upset Kerry or upset someone else or is it Kerry playing divide and conquer?

Most friends will mention if something has happened.

jytdtysrht · 06/02/2022 12:23

Ghosting is not morally reprehensible or cowardly when the person presenting problems gets off on confrontation and drama. If someone deliberately treats you like shit, it’s absolutely the right thing to do.

Dillydollydingdong · 06/02/2022 12:23

I'd send a message on the group chat asking why I hadn't been invited and what had you done wrong. Clearly she's a very strong character and people don't like to cross her.

CyberNan · 06/02/2022 12:28

its not just her though is it...? they must have all known about the plans for a while and didn't tell you.

you are mistaken if you think any of them are your friends; they are clearly not.

UnconditionalSurrender · 06/02/2022 12:29

I could've written this. Best friend from Uni. Always having to do the organising. Always someone cut out though it was often under the radar. Lots of new hangers on. Like a Queen Bee.
At her wedding it was me. Out of the blue. Not invited though we hadn't fallen out. I just sent a wedding present and didn't talk to her ever again. People kept asking where I was so she just made up some excuse about how flakey I was. I really didn't need that nonsense in my life. I was 40.
Within a few years anyone left had cut her off as well.
I figure shes some sort of narcissist.

CrimbleCrumble1 · 06/02/2022 12:37

Do the excluded ones get back in the group or are they gone forever?

Crimeismymiddlename · 06/02/2022 12:42

It’s a shame this lady has reached her fifties and still thinks this behaviour is ok. I don’t have a partner or children, but I don’t have time for this petty nonsense, I like my friends they are nice who don’t do horrible things like this, and honestly if they did I would probably not see them anymore. Clearly you have never, ever pulled her up on this and the inclusion of the other people she has excluded is strange-it seems like it is nice and decent but really you all ignored the horrible behaviour until it went away, inviting friends to events they could be unwelcome at, and also not giving them them the opportunity to see this meanness and make their own mind up over if they want to keep the friendship. Your friends have also not extended this to you.
You say that you have thought about cutting her off, but never did. Why not? Is it because you secretly liked being part of the ‘inner circle’ but now it’s your turn.
I wouldn’t message her or anything-she would love it and you would be the star of the group chat just ignore, mute on socials and when she gets back in touch just be non committal and busy. Never mention the party, she wants you to be sad about it.
Move on with other friends.

Notwithittoday · 06/02/2022 12:46

Awful unpleasant woman doesn’t deserve friends

mcmooberry · 06/02/2022 12:47

Don't be confused, it's deliberate, she absolutely knew you would see her post. From jealousy or reasons known only to herself.
Maybe write a cheery comment on it then cut her right off with a spring in your step that she isn't a friend after all.
I see posts like this from time to time, it's baffling but some people are just weird.

TiffanyBucksFizzRainbowBright · 06/02/2022 12:51

@Dillydollydingdong

I'd send a message on the group chat asking why I hadn't been invited and what had you done wrong. Clearly she's a very strong character and people don't like to cross her.
This absolutely. Not because you expect an answer or because you want to still have her in your life that ship sailed the minute she chose not to include you. What it does do is outs her if she's put it out there that you've done something wrong. See if the others contact you. Maybe they've been spun a web of lies. Either way you'll know who your friends are. Then leave it. Big hugs. This friendship is toxic in so many ways. There are good people out there don't settle for second best friends x
Iwonderifiwonderwhy · 06/02/2022 12:53

Well she’s a total cow and you’ve all danced to her tune for reasons I don’t understand.

Juniper68 · 06/02/2022 12:55

@yesitssea

She has a weird psychological hold over some members IoT the group who are like flying monkeys.

However the excluded people (which never lasts for long) are generally the more confident settled folk.

She's never married and doesn't have kids where as most of the group do. It's so weird from a psychodrama perspective.

I am going to quietly retreat, not going to confront. Going to mute her on socials though.

I wouldn't dream of confronting her you're doing the right thing. She's very weird. And immature.

Just laugh about it. You can treat yourself with the money you saved not going Smile

Changechangychange · 06/02/2022 12:58

@OnlyClothes

‘She's done it to another of our friends and we all noticed and just purposefully made sure that person was forwarded on the invitation every event that was organised.’

And yet none of them returned the courtesy to you?

You can’t invite other people to somebody else’s 50th birthday!

But yes it would have been nice if another friend had mentioned it - presumably they didn’t know you weren’t invited until the day of the party.

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