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Original poster

To be confused as to why I am excluded?

999 replies

yesitssea · 05/02/2022 23:42

My friends 50th.

She was my best pal through uni. And afterwards. We lived together in a flat share too for a few years.

Saw her normally over the past year (2 or 3 times) text her happy birthday last week and she replied really friendly like 'thanks, hope we can meet up soon!'.

I go on Facebook today and her and all of our friends are away celebrating her 50th in a hotel. I am gobsmacked. There are even people there who are more my friends than hers. Our old work colleagues. Our joint friends.

I just can't understand it. It's bizarre. She's must have known about it for months. We caught up before christmas and nothing was mentioned.

She does have a history of occasionally singling one person out and excluding them for a while. She likes to be the organiser of weekends away etc.

Im wondering if it's my turn. She's done it to another of our friends and we all noticed and just purposefully made sure that person was forwarded on the invitation every event that was organised.

Can you help me understand what's gone on here? It's so weird. Am I the pariah this time?

Even my Mum said to me 'oh Kerry's 50th looks fab, why didn't you go?' As she had seen pics on Facebook. So awkward.

OP posts:
Benjispruce5 · 06/02/2022 10:51

Well I disagree. It’s the digital version of storming off.

UserBot9to5 · 06/02/2022 10:51

Yes, really calmly make it known that there was no falling out. No drama. You definitely weren't invited. That's it. No, no idea why.

Lovemattersmost · 06/02/2022 10:51

Drop your friend and come off fb?

TidyDancer · 06/02/2022 10:51

[quote blameless]@yesitssea

Some very judgemental comments here, it does sometimes take a long time before things 'slot into place' and we spot patterns of behaviour in those close to us - they are best placed to blindside us.

For some reason the reasonable feel obliged sometimes to protect the guilty - I didn't notice this until I jumped in to try to stop a friend from revealing her father's alcoholism to my mother who is a friend of his.

If you choose to be, you can be released and enjoy the rest of your days without this poisonous person in your life.
Good luck.[/quote]

I 100% agree with this take on it. It can be a long time before you realise what is happening if you're in this type of dynamic. And it's very easy to not want to see the truth either.

Theblacksheepandme · 06/02/2022 10:53

I find when you call these people out they soon play the victim.

Ronacorona · 06/02/2022 10:54

How much do you see of the mutual friends? Are you in contact with them regularly to see if they know why you were excluded.

I would drop her and make no contact ongoing. She's not a nice person.

rainrainraincamedowndowndown · 06/02/2022 10:56

It's not really weird or bizarre. You knew she was doing this to other people. Now it's your turn. I'm sure all those people she excluded in the past must have felt the same as you.
But no one actually challenged? That's more bizarre for me.

Candyss · 06/02/2022 10:56

@pictish because you would hope people would grow up. and if they dont - move on.

would rather be alone then deal with this juvenile bollocks.

HaveringWavering · 06/02/2022 11:02

Bloody hell she’s 50, you must be a similar age, you all sound like you are about 14.

user1493494961 · 06/02/2022 11:02

I hope her name's Kerry and she sees this.

HaveringWavering · 06/02/2022 11:03

You’ve repeatedly pointed out things about her you don’t like. What is the point of having her as a friend? Just forget about her and move on. Treasure your memories of when you had fun together but accept those days are over.

Eleganz · 06/02/2022 11:04

Why do friendship groups tolerate such toxic behaviour? OP, you don't need to confront you just need to tell her the outcome of her actions in that you were disappointed that she chose to exclude you from her 50th celebrations, and it is clear that your friendship is not what you thought it was so you will be taking a step back.

The I'd suggest you look to broaden your friendship circle and move on from her.

pictish · 06/02/2022 11:05

[quote Candyss]@pictish because you would hope people would grow up. and if they dont - move on.

would rather be alone then deal with this juvenile bollocks.[/quote]
On that we can be agreed.

longtompot · 06/02/2022 11:09

I would probably comment on the post saying something like hope they were having a great time and then mute them all so I wouldn't have to see anything else from them (but I would then be having sneaky looks at their pages). That is just such a hurtful thing they have done to you.

UsernameNotAvailableHmm · 06/02/2022 11:14

There's a lot of it about Sad
And it can be done by family too

DrSbaitso · 06/02/2022 11:14

@longtompot

I would probably comment on the post saying something like hope they were having a great time and then mute them all so I wouldn't have to see anything else from them (but I would then be having sneaky looks at their pages). That is just such a hurtful thing they have done to you.
You would do better just to ignore the whole thing rather than trying to make them chase you so you can pretend that you're ignoring them.
Flickflak · 06/02/2022 11:16

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

Crayfishforyou · 06/02/2022 11:18

@user1493494961

I hope her name's Kerry and she sees this.
🤣🤣

I would ignore the whole thing.
Flowers
I’ve lost my main long-standing friendship group after being left out of things. It really hurts. And I don’t have really have any friends outside of it.

AWOL66 · 06/02/2022 11:18

I really feel for you. This happened to me with a friend's 40th. We'd been friends for a few years and lived together but had since moved to different towns so didn't see each other very often but I'd made the effort to visit her now and then and she text me quite regularly saying hi and that we must meet up soon. She had organised a big themed event and never mentioned it to me. She only told me it was her 40th a few days before so I bent over backwards to send her a beautiful bunch of flowers thinking she was not making a massive thing of it as I knew she had a complex about getting older. When she said what she'd been up to, wounded and confused, I gracefully said I hoped she'd had a nice time and to send me pics (I was just awkward I didnt expect her to) -she did and everyone was dressed up to the nines. Some friend! Some people had pulled her up for being unkind to others in the past and I made so many allowances for her thinking she'd been stressed out and noones perfect. I had really been there for her in the past I just don't get to this day why she'd not invited me yet initiated texting me at other times! I didn't ever ask why, when she's text now and then since I responded 'non the wiser' style but saw it that I knew where I was with her then stopped responding altogether. Why would I want an insincere pen pal?! Just know you're not alone. 💖I'd just move on and not even ask personally as there'll always be that weight on your mind that she can't be trusted.

caranations · 06/02/2022 11:21

I used to have a friend like this.

Used to. She was a real queen bee, and the whole social circle and friendship group revolved around her. I got sick of it in the end.

Flyingbymypants · 06/02/2022 11:23

Friendship groups can be strange. Some people will tolerate all sorts of nonsense to keep the group together.

NETSRIK · 06/02/2022 11:23

Call her out and do it on social media.

Abbey0134 · 06/02/2022 11:23

The same thing has happened to me. It hurts a lot. But you have to move on, find it in yourself to say "their loss". It's not easy but you cannot change other people, only your reaction to those 'other people'.

trunktoes · 06/02/2022 11:24

That's just awful. I would ask one of the other friends what happened personally

Ceramide · 06/02/2022 11:27

Invite the nicest people in the group (if there are any) to a party of your own, but never contact the others again - why should you? Someone who excludes people and lies to cover their tracks is not a friend, nor are those who know what's going on but don't stand up for the excluded person.