Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be confused as to why I am excluded?

999 replies

yesitssea · 05/02/2022 23:42

My friends 50th.

She was my best pal through uni. And afterwards. We lived together in a flat share too for a few years.

Saw her normally over the past year (2 or 3 times) text her happy birthday last week and she replied really friendly like 'thanks, hope we can meet up soon!'.

I go on Facebook today and her and all of our friends are away celebrating her 50th in a hotel. I am gobsmacked. There are even people there who are more my friends than hers. Our old work colleagues. Our joint friends.

I just can't understand it. It's bizarre. She's must have known about it for months. We caught up before christmas and nothing was mentioned.

She does have a history of occasionally singling one person out and excluding them for a while. She likes to be the organiser of weekends away etc.

Im wondering if it's my turn. She's done it to another of our friends and we all noticed and just purposefully made sure that person was forwarded on the invitation every event that was organised.

Can you help me understand what's gone on here? It's so weird. Am I the pariah this time?

Even my Mum said to me 'oh Kerry's 50th looks fab, why didn't you go?' As she had seen pics on Facebook. So awkward.

OP posts:
Flickflak · 06/02/2022 10:25

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

Blushinggerbil · 06/02/2022 10:25

Yeah right. Not everything is attachment style. Some people just get away with shitty behaviour that makes them feel good.

SmellyWellyWoo · 06/02/2022 10:28

Ghost her or quietly fade her out. Be civil and breezy if you have to see her in real life.

What's the point of asking her? She has purposely done it and if anything, asking her will give her satisfaction and make her feel powerful.

pictish · 06/02/2022 10:28

@ValancyRedfern

This is behaviour I'd expect from a 13 yr old (I still bear the scars) not a 50 yr old. Life is too short for this shit. Cut her out of your life from this second and you'll be much happier.
I don’t know why people say this. I don’t understand the relevance of age. It’s something we see when children go to school because that’s when they start forming social groups but we continue to form them throughout our lives as adults. The same dynamics apply, albeit in a more sophisticated way.

This shit happens whether you’re 5, 15 or 50. By the time you’re 50 you know to walk away.

Darhon · 06/02/2022 10:31

Happened to me over a 30th. Many years ago now. Hurt like hell for a year. Never said anything at the time. But emotionally downgraded her and never felt the same. Told her years later and she took it on the chin.

BorderlineHappy · 06/02/2022 10:32

I think in your shoes I'd be more hurt with my other friends.
To know she has form,but the others deliberately kept it from you.
That's a worse betrayel

roastingmichael · 06/02/2022 10:34

Definitely ask her. She needs to be called out on this shitty behaviour.

jytdtysrht · 06/02/2022 10:36

I’d ghost her.

zingally · 06/02/2022 10:36

@PyongyangKipperbang

I would keep stone cold silence.

It wil wind her right up as you are supposed to message and ask why you arent invited, what did you do wrong, beg for her attention. Thats what she loves.

She will be checking her phone for your message and she will be going wild when it doesnt come. She will contact you first and you should reply with a nice "how are you?" and when she will be unable to ask if you saw the photos of her 50th you reply "Yes I did, it looked great, I hope you enjoyed it!" Basically like you barely noticed and when you did, you didnt care.

This is exactly what I would do.

Some people just get off on having an emotional tug-o-war. And it drives them absolutely bonkers if you just... drop your end of the rope. Never acknowledge, never mention, never chase. Eventually they just boil over, like angry little teapots, and will come and tell YOU what the issue is.

My sister's DP used to get off on this sort of behaviour. He would hold carrots over people's heads to tempt them into leaping through all sorts of random hoops to try and please him. It was "do the un-named thing I like (but I won't tell you what it is!), and I'll give you/pay for that thing you like/want."
I dropped the rope on him, and it was the BEST thing ever. I just stopped playing. We went through about 2-3 years of him clearly hating my guts, but now we've reached some sort of impasse, where we can pretty much manage to be civil.

SillyBud · 06/02/2022 10:36

And yet none of them returned the courtesy to you

yea that's 1 of the worst parts of these situations-it's the collaboration.

dondon23 · 06/02/2022 10:36

I'd just distance myself completely, she's attention seeking..... THEN
In a few weeks or so once lockdown restrictions have eased further send a group message to everyone except her saying it was such a shame that you weren't able to do anything for her 50th due to COVID restrictions and suggest you all arrange a surprise belated 50th meal/night out/whatever and see what your other friends reactions are??

Don't even acknowledge to any of them that you saw the FB posts.

GrandRapids · 06/02/2022 10:37

There really is no point in confronting her. She will hardly be apologetic seeing as she did it deliberately! In fact she will probably imply it was somehow your fault.

I also agree with others that by confronting her you run the risk of being ostracised by the whole group. Unless you're not bothered by that in which case, yes absolutely tell her she's an arsehole

WonderfulYou · 06/02/2022 10:37

I thought that most 50ths are organised by other people so it would be them that dropped the ball. And she assumed you were asked and couldn’t make it.

What did she say when you texted her happy birthday?

Cherrysoup · 06/02/2022 10:40

I wouldn’t just mute her on social media, I’d remove her. What’s the point of having her on there? Make your point, cut off the dead wood.

Oblomov22 · 06/02/2022 10:41

Don't ever ghost. It's morally reprehensible and cowardly.

Benjispruce5 · 06/02/2022 10:43

I think you’re between off without her and her games.

SmellyWellyWoo · 06/02/2022 10:43

@Oblomov22 what her friend has done is also morally reprehensible and cowardly. This is not the OP's fault and she owes nothing to her so-called "friend". When people are toxic or abusive, ghosting is a perfectly legitimate way of dealing with someone.

SueSaid · 06/02/2022 10:44

I'm in 2 minds really. On the one hand just ghost her, don't give her the satisfaction of a reaction but on the other people pulling stunts like this do need calling out or else they think they can get away with their silly games.

So I would calmly and quite coolly message and say so disappointed to be treated like this then block.

whysonasty · 06/02/2022 10:45

@Darhon

Happened to me over a 30th. Many years ago now. Hurt like hell for a year. Never said anything at the time. But emotionally downgraded her and never felt the same. Told her years later and she took it on the chin.
What does that mean? What did you tell her and what did she say? What was her reasoning?
Benjispruce5 · 06/02/2022 10:46

@JaniieJones messaging them blocking is childish. Message and get her response. In the long term it’s better to have a this out for OP’s well-being. Horrible carrying that feeling around.

NYnewstart · 06/02/2022 10:48

I would totally ignore her, maybe mute but not delete as I wouldn’t want to give her the satisfaction of any response whatsoever.

What I would do though is contact one of your other friends and then just drop into the conversation “ did you have a lovely weekend at x? Kerry was playing her usual game and didn’t invite me for some reason. I’m just ignoring it, but wanted to let you know that it’s not any of your faults. So childish”
You might find out what she said about your absence to them and you can put the record straight.

Hopefully your friendship with the others can be saved and you can be civil with her for future meet-ups so it’s not awkward for anyone, but your actual friendship with her would be absolutely over. That would be my objective anyway.

I would not be reacting to her whatsoever though and I’d be acting unconcerned with the others. A calm “it is what it is, it’s a shame she’s chosen to make a point about whatever it is she’s making a point about but I’m not playing games.”

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 06/02/2022 10:48

I would ignore her and point what's happening in an understated way to your mutual friends, but only if they bring the topic up. "Oh, she didn't invite me. I've noticed before that she enjoys things a lot more when she has made sure that someone is missing out or envious, and this time it was me. She's clearly very insecure about something, but trying to hide it, and this is how the insecurity expresses itself."

PugInTheHouse · 06/02/2022 10:49

If I wasn't worried about continuing the friendship then I'd definitely call her out on it. It may make her realise what she's doing. Everyone has enabled her to continue this behaviour. She sounds horrible!

SueSaid · 06/02/2022 10:49

'messaging them blocking is childish. Message and get her response'

You get into a dialogue then, the weird friend will either be defensive of faux apologetic. Far better to say that isn't ok and leave it.

NYnewstart · 06/02/2022 10:50

@BlackAmericanoNoSugar

I would ignore her and point what's happening in an understated way to your mutual friends, but only if they bring the topic up. "Oh, she didn't invite me. I've noticed before that she enjoys things a lot more when she has made sure that someone is missing out or envious, and this time it was me. She's clearly very insecure about something, but trying to hide it, and this is how the insecurity expresses itself."
Actually yes this too.